Quorthon

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Quorthon was a Swedish viking bard who told heroic tales around Scandinavia to inspire young children to become warriors and dedicate their lives to Odin. Formerly, he worshiped a monster called Satan, but he gave up those foolish beliefs when the monster was impaled by Odin's spear. He made a band called Bathory to spread the words of Satan, and later Odin.

Quorthon

The Q man himself

edit Music Career

edit Satanism and music

Quorthon got a group of maniacs together to start a black metal band called Bathory. The sound was totally revolutionary at the time and Quorthon and his friends were considered dangerous to the children. Cults of metalheads started to worship Bathory and they supported them on their non-existant tours. A total of three albums were released in this period and they coined several new words formerly unknown in Sweden such as Necromansey, Reaper (as in the grim one), Armagheddon, Bestial, Mayhem, Darkness, and Evil. But above all else, Black Fucking Metal. Satan was very pleased with Quorthon and Bathory, but little did he know that Odin was preparing for a demon-slaying.

edit Odin vs. Satan

While Quorthon and friends were writing and recording songs for their fourth album, Blood Fire Death, they felt a cataclysmic explosion from outside their cave headquarters. They ran out to discover that Odin had went to Satan and threw him out of hell, causing a gigantic explosion. An epic battle ensued lasting 100 days. The Bathory songs "The Golden Walls of Heaven", "Pace till Death", Holocaust", "For All those Who Died", and "Dies Irae" were written for Satan. Towards the end of the 100 days fight, Quorthon noticed Satan's power draining while Odin's power remained constant. Quorthon was inspired by his power and wrote 2 epic and long songs to wrap up the Blood Fire Death album. When Odin finally slew Satan with his mighty spear, Gungnir, Quorthon went to him and dedicated the rest of his musical career to him.

edit Paganism and music

Bathory bloodfiredeath

This? Fucking Epic

After Odin gave Blood fire Death his blessing, he recomended that Quorthon and his gang of warriors start another genre called "Viking Metal". Quorthon liked the idea and started writing songs for a totally epic release titled Hammerheart. Elsewhere, metalheads everywhere began embracing the concept of Viking Metal after hearing parts of the Blood Fire Death album. Hammerheart and Twilight of the Gods resulted in the construction of many pagan altars. Odin was very pleased indeed and gave each member of Bathory two of his favorite whores each. Quorthon, who never had such great sex before, promised to honor Odin with more great music. However, dark days lay ahead.

edit Post-Thrashsafuck

To the dismay of metalheads and outrage to Odin, Quorthon thought it would be wise to "experiment" with his music. The results Requiem and Octagon became known as "painful", "broken", and "stupid" with unintellegent song titles such as "33 Something". Odin punished Quorthon by taking his whores back from the band members and stealing their instruments for the duration of 50 days before returning them.

edit Waning Years and Death

After reclaiming their instuments, Bathory started writing viking metal again. Quorthon was originally going to title his new album blood but after seeing some of his faithful metalheads ice skating, he decided to make a play out of the music titled Blood on Ice. The outcome was one of the most ridiculous things anyone ever saw, but Odin gave the music itself his blessing and thus sold well. Quorthon returned to his cave one day to discover some weed growing inside. After giving the plant a few huffs, Quorthon wrote some more mediocre Post-Thrash songs for Bathory to secretly record. He also risked his reputation to metalheads by writing alternative rock music under his own name which he also secretly published. After discovering Quorthon high on weed one day, all the other members of Bathory left the band because they didn't want their leader to be under the influence of Loki's evil plant. Quorthon eventually ran out of marajuana and carried on with Bathory by himself. He began writing a four part epic poem about the Nordland titled Nordland. He argued that the title was totally original, and most of his remaining metalhead fanbase agreed with him. He released the first two parts to Odin and the humans. Odin himself was driven to tears by the words of the chapter "The Wheel of the Sun". Quorthon however was suffering from a heart ailment and couldn't release the two other books of Nordland. Odin felt remorseful and agreed to let Quorthon present the last two parts of the poem to him personally in Asgard. Quorthon died and was given a proper viking cremation. Today he is Odin's personal court musician in the realm of Valhalla in order to help train the vikings for Ragnarok. Most metalheads today don't believe Quorthon is actually dead.

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