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Life not going your way? Bank foreclosed on your house? Girlfriend left you? Never been a success at anything in your life? Well finally here's a chance for all you losers out there in loserland to genuinely succeed at something.
Why don't you just go ahead and give up? In fact, if you're not convinced already, let me explain it to you in degrading, debilitating, depressing detail.
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Reasons to Give Up
Life sucks. Lets face it, do you really think you have what it takes to get that promotion with the corner office, or retire at 65 and live your dreams sailing around the world in your private yacht? Do you really think you have any potential? Giving up is a very liberating experience.
It's a great way to get sympathy. Don't you want girls/guys looking at you and saying "He (probably he)'s like a hurt seagull on his way to the ocean. I CAN CHANGE HIM!" Girls like that. Guys... don't care. They already gave up.
The world is way the hell too hard to keep on going. You should probably give up before it gets the better of you. The world won't care if you give up! It'll keep spinning whether you're trying or not. For example, why write an article on giving up? Why even try? Nobody's gonna read this, and I'll still have to get up tomorrow morning and give my grampa a sponge bath either way!
Face it, the odds are against you, and when I say "odds" I don't mean only abstract representations of chance, I mean a bunch of weirdos. If you try, you will get beaten up by all sortsa weirdos. I don't know how-- don't ask me to explain-- but you will get beaten up eventually. Just by trying. I know, isn't that just awful?
Imagine if you didn't give up. Not only would you fail (duh), but you would make yourself look like a douche. You would just look like a big ol' bag o' douche. You would just look like a loser if you kept trying. You'll fail. Look in my eyes:
It's nearly a guarantee that most, if not all, life on Earth gave up at one point in their existence in order to rest and ignore that insatiable hunger for a while. If people didn't give up, how else would they have dry, mechanical sex every other week?
In Medieval times, or at least the Medieval times that Shrek has brainwashed us into to believing, knights that didn't give up were soon to be dragon lunch. Dragon lunch = bad. Giving up =/= Dragon lunch. Especially during the more intense battles in Medieval times, like the Crusades, or when those English comedians from the 1970's went looking for that grail of holiness, giving up sounded like such a great idea. Everyone in Medieval times gave up. Just look at the great plague: if it didn't give up, what made it so great? That's right, it didn't.
Of course this wouldn't be an article without mentioning the french and their brave war surrender tactics.
Famous people, like God, gave up long ago on both people and existence. He got pretty lazy writing that bible. Because of His noted absence, Nietzsche falsely believed God was dead. In reality, God is just kicking back, doing absolutely nothing, throwing in an occasional natural disaster or school shooting whenever he feels lonely just to stir things up and raise his popularity a bit. Unfortunately, he's still as unpopular as ever.
The most versatile giver-upper was Charlie Brown, who gave up on everything. He was the perennial puppy to the world's velociraptor, if you will (unless you gave up on that metaphor). He gave up on so many hilarious things that the cartoon ran for 40 years! He gave up on ever getting that damn kite out of the tree. He gave up on ever kicking that football. He gave up on ever kissing that red-headed girl, and he gave up on his much needed prescription for Prozac. I think all the great heroes could learn something from ol' Charlie Brown, including how to go on and on and on without ever getting to the point.
Other famous giver uppers include the South during the war of Northern Agreshun, America during the Vietnam War, and, perhaps most famously, Santa Claus after he disappeared from your childish imagination. Currently, Congress is trying to get George W. Bush to give up on the war. It's not going well, and now Congress themselves are giving up on getting him to give up.
What You Should Give Up On
You're still not convinced? All right, fine. Fine. That's just perfect. I wanted to spend this time with my family, but I'll spend time writing this, instead.
First of all, give up on your hopes from your childhood. Do you remember those? Your hope to be a supermodel? Your hope to be in the Olympics? Your hope that mommy and daddy will get back together? The hope that you'll be able to fit into that prom tuxedo again some time in your life? That you'll be able to live with the dolphins in harmony? Well forget it. Remember Santa? Yeah. No presents for you. Give up.
Second of all, give up on your dreams. You're not gonna get that cheerleader. You're not gonna ever get an A in calculus. You're never gonna be able to walk again. You'll never figure out time travel. You aren't gonna be able to beat the damn Japs at hot dog eating, either. You won't even get to that lame excuse of a dream. You're just too lame.
Give up on other people. And animals. And inanimate objects. Give up on ol' Bessie: she ain't gonna milk again. Give up on Aunt Margret: those parasites are gonna bore straight through her brain, and there's nothing Dr. House can do to save her. Give up on the water heater: it's gonna leak and leak until you're paddling your way around the kitchen. Give up on your arthritis: your hand will fall off. Oh... oh man I'm depressed! LET'S CONTINUE.
Give up on abstract ideals. Nobody's gonna get justice, and all the criminals, as well as their victims, will get away scott-free. See? Even the criminals can't do anything right! As long as you're giving up on justice, give up on all the tagalong ideals, like freedom and shit like that. Take John Lennon for example: "You say you want a revolution, yeah you know..." Was there any revolution? No! But John didn't give up... and he got shot for all his trouble. You wanna live, then give up! Oh, and optimism. Give up on being optimistic.
What you should do instead of doing stuff and/or things
Giving up is actually pretty easy. Just stop. Stop! Just stop whatever it is you're doing. If you are in the middle of the freeway or in an intersection, pull over right now and stop. If whateveritis you're doing has taken this long to do, then they aren't convinced, they never will be. Just stop. Stop it, just stop.
While you're stopping, take a load off and relax. Instead of doing stuff and having a job and worrying about those bills-- which you'll never pay-- just stop. Put those feet up and watch midget wrestling. Oh sure, the kids will eventually starve and those bills will keep coming, but why fight it? Working down at the Meat Packing District sure as hell wasn't paying those bills. It's better that your family find out that you're a lazy slob this way than actually failing and becoming a lazy slob by default. Aaaah, sweet release.
First of all, timing is critical. If you're going to give up make sure it's soon, preferably now. By reading this you have already taken the most important step of admitting that giving up might be a good idea, and the worst thing you can do now is maintain any ideas of your possible success. If you're in any doubt at all, it's always best to give up just to be on the safe side.
Give up already. You have already lost. Giving up is simple. All you need to do is either be French or simply quit doing what you're doing. Like reading this article. Or living. You might as well give up that too. Why don't you believe me? Oh, that's right. Yeah, you probably have given up by now. If you haven't then, well, damn. I give up.
| This page is a work in progress|
We should give up on it immediately. The author will never return.
Now, go away!