Qui-Gon Jinn

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QuiGonJ

Jinn 15 minutes before being killed.

Qui-Gon Jinn is a fictional character in the Star Wars saga, portrayed by the ever-awesome Liam Neeson and one of the few redeeming factors in Episode I: The Phantom Menace. A prolific heavyweight boxer and a Jedi Knight, Jinn was most famous for training Obi-Wan Kenobi, and less famous for being killed by Darth Maul in a televised Naboo championship.

edit Early Life

Jinn was born to parents Shaft and Mariah Carey on the planet Dantooine in a galaxy far, far away. His force powers were first noticed by itinerant Jedi salesman Count Dooku. Dooku was impressed with Jinn’s space mullet and took him in to train him a Jedi.

Jinn spent much of his early years of Jedi training standing around uselessly holding light sabres and learning very little. However, his talent for boxing was recognised when he won the Under-13 temple boxing tournament. The Jedi, sensing a chance to raise revenue, began training Jinn as a boxer. He won a major victory over Mason Dixon via a knockout in the 7th round of the championship bout. This fight drew much needed attention to the Jedi order and boosted enrollment.

edit Adventures

Qui-Gon Jinn

Qui-Gon Jinn facing Professor Subtle (Professor Subtle is so subtle you can't see his face).

Due to his service to the order, the council made him an official Jedi Knight. He gained much prestige around the known universe, tackling such mighty threats to the greater good such as Professor Subtle (pictured), fascism, Donkey Kong, and massive swarms of Zombies. His most famous battle teamed him up with the A-Team to take down L. Ron Hubbard. Unfortunately, this brave action only slowed the rise of Scientology, but it did secure for Jinn the rank of Master.

edit Gambling

Jinn had a little-known gambling problem. He rigged everything from dice to Russian Roulette, often winning the entire property of the game's losers, including their families. As he acquired wealth, he worked his way up to betting other people's lives on races and duels. When the Black Plague arrived, he took bets on who would die on any given day. His winnings sustained him for the rest of his life.

However, years of having super-cool adventures left Jinn feeling hollow. He set his sights on taking on an apprentice. The Council granted his wish, and Jinn was given Rocky Balboa to mold into a model Jedi and crime-fighter. Balboa and Jinn developed an instant rapport and helped each other to ever-higher levels of skill, travelling the Universe, battling evil where ever they found it, and finally liberating America from the tyranny of Unicron.

Unfortunately, the council grew wary of Jinn and Balboa’s increasing prowess, and sent a strike force of 68 Jedi to trap and kill them in an ancient temple on Korriban. The strike force succeeded in the trapping part of their mission. Regarding the killing part, there were only two survivors and they don’t discuss it much. This one-sided battle became known as the Temple Massacre.

Fearing for their safety, Jinn and Balboa parted ways. Balboa went to live on earth and pursue a career as a loan officer for a major credit union. Jinn went back to wandering the galaxy fighting evil in the darkest corners of the universe.

edit Death

Finally, Jinn met Kenobi and agreed to train him on the condition that he never talked, like Jedi master's Link and Mario. The two had many adventures eventually leading to Jinn's betting his reputation to the Jedi council that the boy who lived through pod racing must be the chosen one who would lead them against the CGI machines. Qui-Gon would bet the Jedi temple treasury on a Sith plot against Naboo; so he went all in, betting his soul for a golden lightsaber and fighting the championship match against the devil. Jinn thus became the first of many martyrs for the emerging religion of Vaderism. Many however think he was was paid off by kid Jabba to take a dive, which is why Jinn has yet to be indoctrinated into the major league Jedi hall of fame despite his impressive record.

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