Ambient noise. Gravel getting crunched. Restrained canine moaning. Metal shifts. Cardoor slams. Distorted guitar being played by seven mariachi surfers on bikes.
The son of Kelsey Grammer and Robin Williams. Quentin "Fucking" Tarantino is a fucking film director, alright? He's probably most fucking famous for being a lame-ass that appears in every single one of his own movies, including Reservoir Dogs (as Mr. Virgin), Pulp Fiction (as the guy with the dead niggah storage), Jackie Brown (as Jackie Browns' brother, Brown Jackie, a downtown hustler who will mess you up) and Kill Bill (as Pai Mei). Tarantino first got his big break when Rodman Rodriguez asked him to co-direct Sin City. Because he still sucked, his shots was cut down to 5 minutes and released separately as "300". He also did that one fuckin' movie with a fuckload of homages to some old fuckin' movies, and motherfuckin Death Proof, alright?! Now sit down, shut the fuck up, and read the fuckin article before I execute every motherfuckin last one of you!
and Quentin TarantinoWritten by Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary
Chapter Fucking One: Death
Tarantino was fucking killed when he was fucking set up by his fucking prick of a partner when it fucking turned out he was really a fucking cop, alright? The fucker performed the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique on him, and plucked out his fucking eyeball. Basically proving that Tarantino's a fucking douchebag, straight-up, with a side of shit.
Chapter Fucking Six: The Drop Off (For Real this Time)
...learned that his anus and balls were being sold for abusive butthole pleasures, and that the fucking suitcase with his scripts had been fucking stolen. So did you know what the fucker did after that? I said, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCKER DID AFTER THAT?" What country you from? What ain't no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in What? ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT! So where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, so any fucking way, there were some fucking closeups of bare fucking feet... lovely bare fucking feet... with such perfectly round fucking toes... A-a-anyway, he fucking needed to find the niggers responsible for doing this, so he blackmailed Samuel L. Fucking Jackson and John fucking Travolta to get the fucking suitcase, and they sat in the fucking car talking about fuckin' "Casino-Royale-Avec-Frommage", alright? So anyway, they went to go find the fuckers who did this to him. It turned out is was a group of some fuckers named Blond and White, and Orange and that kind of fucking stuff. (Contrary to unpopular belief, not Mr. Pink, but Mr. Rainbow was the gay one) So anyway, their fucking leader was a gun runner, who was partners with some fucking bank robbers/vampire hunters. Then there were more bare feet... Lovely, dirty bare fucking feet... W-w-with lots of fucking toe rings... So any way, the fuckers all met up in Cloud fucking city to fight Darth Vader's balls in a jar! So they all go to Cloud City, and find out that Beavis and Butthead have stolen the Ark of the Covenant from James Bond, and were hiding deep in the heart of the batcave, with the Terminator as a bodyguard! (Hey! I can use fucking elements from other movies! It's not a ripoff, it's an homage!) So anyway, it ends with a fucking Mexican standoff with samurai swords, guns, and ass rapings and everybody fucking dies, alright?
Chapter Fucking Two: Massacre during Tarantino's Career
Alright, so Tarantino's first fucking film, called My Boyfriend's Birthday, or something to that fucking extent was burned down when the fucking warehouse it was stored in caught on fire. So anyway, later, he got together with some fucking niggers, alright, and began to write his first fucking film Reservoir Dogs, about some dumb fuckers who try to rob a bank and all die at the ending, alright? So then, he went off to fucking Amsterdam or some place like that, and the fucker got baked. You know that hash is legal in Amsterdam? (But you can't just walk into a bar, roll a joint, and start puffin' away...) So anyway, when he was in fucking Amsterdam, some niggers ambushed him, and left him for dead. He was in a fucking coma for 4 years, and when he woke up, he picked up a sword and he...
Chapter Fucking Eighty nine: The Quentin Situation
Alright so this guy, like, he's waking into this bar, you know? And he's getting out of this fucking awesome sweet Cadillac, right? This motherfucking car is LAYED OUT, I mean shit! Ok, so this dude has like, fifteen guns on him, right? No, wait- twenty guns. This motherfucker is armed to the teeth like he's fucking Mannix and all that shit, ok? Right, so this guy is walking into this bar, you know? And he's walking really cool like he's in the fucking Rat Pack or some shit, okay? So this sweet fucking chick with the hottest feet, I mean the hottest feet - THESE FEET ARE FUCKING SPILLING OUT OF HER SHOES, MAN - she's checking out this dude, and she's like, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin," right. Okay, so this dude, he pulls all twenty fucking guns on her, and starts firing, alright? No, wait first he's all, "Fuck you Mr. Whipple," because that would be cool. Then the chick runs up the wall with her hot feet, okay?
Chapter Fucking Five: Filmography
Fucking Director & Fucking Screenplay
- Pulp Non-Fiction (Beginning of Time)
- It's A Wonderful Life: Alternate Killing Spree Ending (1946)
- World War I (1984)
- Mary Poppins (1987)
- My Best Friend's Wedding (1987)
- Revoir Dogs (1992)
- Sperm Reservoir Dogs (1992)
- Reservoir Bitches (1992)
- "Killing Dogs" (1993)
- Papier Mache Fiction (1994)
- The Wizard of Oz (1994)
- Four and a half Rooms (segment "The Man from Vinewood" now destroyed apart from one frame) (1995) (directed in sleep)
- The Gooder, The Uglier, The Badder-Bigger-And-Fuckin'-Uncutter' (1996) (homage to Sergio Leone, with the now legendary trigintiello scene, a duel of 30 duelists with chainguns and katanas)
- Sugar Punch Brown (1997) (filmed in six hours)
- The Birth of Eli Roth (2002))
- Ensure That Bill No Longer Lives (Vol. 1 2003, Vol. 2 2004)
- CLSB: Childish Life of Sawney Bean (2005) (Guest Writer and Director)
- Inglorious Brownies (2006) - not yet released.
- Sesame Street Characters Play Hopscotch (2006)
- Anal Foot Inserting' 5 (2006)
- Dr. Tran Doles Out The Harshness (2006)
- Terminator 4: How To Talk To A Mormon Child (2006)
- House Grind (available at Starbucks, 2007)
- Star Wars: Episode VII - The Quest for More Money (????)
- New Chinese Movie That I Didn't Really Have Anything To Do With.
- Oil Rig Cats (1991)
- False Romance (1993)
- Natural Bjorn Kickers (1994) (written with a Norwegian in Norwegia, directed by a Swede)
- Win a Date with Tad Hamilton (2003)
- That Weird Vampire Movie with George Clooney (1996)
- FOX News (2025)
Chapter Fucking Six: The Penthouse
...Bruce Willis loses a finger, but saves Ving Rhames from getting raped while Christopher Walken gives him some fucking watch, alright? We should go. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would be a good idea.
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