Queen Mary I of England

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Queen Mary1

Princess Mary in her eternally irritable state.

Queen Mary I was the most evil deranged monarch queen to take the English throne. The supposed reason for this title is that she executed thousands of people. However, the title mentioned above, is probably irrelevant, seeing as there was only one other female monarch to ever take the English throne; her sister, Elizabeth I.

Early Life

The whole disaster that was Queen Mary I started when Princess Catherine of Aragon's "precious" sick betrothed Prince Arthur died, and left a "healthier" "more manly" kid brother, Henry, behind to marry. Catherine, having always had the hots for this kid, immediately leapt upon the opportunity, allowing Henry to give her syphilis, and her to give it congenitally to her future daughter Mary I herself. Apparently, syphilis was spreading like a bull on beer in those days.

Due to her congenital syphilis, and other health problems of the day, little Mary could never stay healthy, which, making her eternally irritable, possessed her to take for granted all the gifts, riches, and territories that King Henry VIII bestowed upon her. Some historians say Henry was still a "good guy", at this stage, but this matter is up for debate.

Anne Boleyn causes insanity

Because Catherine married Henry when he was still a kid, she ended up much older than him upon adulthood. Getting bored with his aging wife, and being too "manly" to control himself, King Henry immediately courted the first Evil Seduction Witch he saw, a semi pretty whore named Anne Boleyn. This Witch, being evil, took away the royal status of Mary by seducing Henry into adopting Lutheranism as the imperial religion, so that he could divorce Catherine and make Anne consort queen herself. Somehow, this removed Mary's royal status and turned her into a bastard in the eyes of the people. After this Anne hypnotized Henry into not noticing when she enslaved Mary, and locked her up in a dungeon.

Mary, having had always took everything she had for granted, went insane upon Anne Boleyn's evil acts. Being very religious, Mary "looked deeply into her faith" and convinced herself that all non-catholics deserved to be killed. This part of the story, however, is only half of the water in the great putrid Drink of fate. [1]

Henry Rejects Anne

456px-Anthonis Mor 001

Queen Mary I, as seen on the throne. As you can see, she is still in her eternal state of irritability, with an extra touch of ugliness. No one is quite sure why Prince Philip agreed to marry this Hag...

Although Mary's existence cooled him for a while, King Henry VIII was still an evil posterity craving misogynist at heart, and his love for evil Anne, drew that quality back out. Desperate to satisfy Henry's desperate desire for a surviving legitimate male heir, (he had already had plenty of sons, but none of them fit the above criteria), Anne frequently binged on carrots, thinking that they would raise her chances of bearing a male. Alas, all this carrot binging caused her to give birth to a disgusting female monster made out of carrot vomit. The monster was named Elizapuke after Henry's mother Elizabeth, and Elizapuke's puke like appearance.

Although Henry frequently doted on his little vomit monster, he was still not satisfied with Anne, because the monster was not male, and Henry wanted a male heir. More desperate than ever, Anne tried several times to carry out a successful pregnancy. Unfortunately, Henry's intense "manliness" had exhausted her childbearing abilities, and all the pregnancies ended in miscarriages. This finally got Henry angry with Anne, which broke her hypnotic bind on him. Suddenly realizing the huge mistake he had made by marrying her, Henry ordered Anne's execution, and freed Mary from slavery, with the small compensation of having to baby-sit the vomit monster Elizapuke, who Mary is said to have considered cute before she became a threat to Mary's upcoming Queen Hood.

Queen Hood

After rejecting Anne, Henry was careful to marry an Earthbound Angel rather than an Evil Seduction Witch, named Jane Seymour. Although Jane succeeded in bearing Henry a son, the son, named Edward, contracted congenital syphilis himself, and died on the throne at age sixteen.[2]

Now that Edward was out of the way, Mary was finally able to take the throne, and kill every protestant in sight. Some bitch named Lady Jane Grey usurped the throne before Mary and ruled for nine pathetic days, but she was fucking decapitated taken care of. She would have killed her protestant sister Elizapuke too if it were not for the fact that such a deed would stir up a huge rebellion. Instead, she imprisoned Elizapuke, until the event of Mary's death, which was imminent.

Death

Although she was aged and eternally irritable, Mary was still capable of love, and married Prince Phillip of Spain. Desperate, but unable to get pregnant, Mary had one or two hysterical pregnancies, and an onset of Edema in her stomach which killed her. Finally, Elizapuke was able to take the throne, and became known as the best and wisest queen of england but, like Mary's title, this title is probably irrelevant seeing, as the only other queen to take the throne was Mary herself.

Major Accomplishments

She killed people.


Footnotes

  1. Which can only be drunk by a Richard. Or a Steve, but Richards are less likely to choke on it.
  2. Henry died of chronic obesity eight years after Edward was born due to anxiety over lacking a legitimate male heir, and it was too late to save him once Edward was born.

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