Quantum flux

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Quantum flux.

Quantum flux is some advance science mumbo jumbo. It has many applications and can account for any strange phenomenon you care to think of. In fact, it's probably doing you over right now.

According to one formulation of the principle, energy and time can be related by the relation[Actually we're just screwing with you.]

edit Definition

In quantum mechanics, everything is quantised, in the same way as everything being relative in the theory of relativity. So, flux (whatever that is) must be quantised, too. So there you have it: quantum flux is flux divided in tiny little pieces.

edit Uses

Quantum flux, and especially fluctuations in quantum flux, can be used by spaceship engineers to explain some kind of weird phenomenon that sensors pick up. Example: "Captain, this army of triple-breasted women must be the result of variations in the quantum flux field caused by not returning your empties".

edit Measurement

Quantum flux can be measured by a fluxometer, provided the instrument is suffiently accurate due to the minute size of flux quanta. The housing of the fluxometer must also be red and the instrument must at least have one blinking light.

edit Applicable Benefits of Quantum Flux

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A thesis from the Cambridge University.

Provided your fluxometer is calibrated correctly, it can be attached to a vacuum cleaner and used to collect said flux. Scientists are working round the clock to provide a useful application for an accumulation of quantum flux, other than helping them sound really technical that is. However, here at the place where we apparently have way too much time on our hands, [ie,work] we have uncovered some fascinating uses for quantum flux. These include:

  • greasing the hamster wheel [finally silences that damn squeaking!]
  • creating small wormholes for instant travel in time
  • opening doors in the 4th Wall
  • sending messages to your past self [WARNING, doing this can create some real weird shit to happen]
  • my personal favorite, making traffic disappear. Caution should be used with this last one as I can't quite figure out how to bring them back, and the police Really want to know why I have a vacuum on the roof of my car.
  • preserving huffable kittens

edit How to Store Quantum Flux

Preferably as far away from anything valuable to you or your significant other as possible. Why? Just sounds like a good plan, I don't want flux of any kind near my stuff. On the other hand, if you have nothing valuable, or you're a nihilist, I suppose you could sleep with the damn stuff. Why you'd want to is beyond me but hey, try it out, let us know what works.

edit How to Care for your Flux

Obviously, quantum flux is unstable, so caring for it is essential. Start by storing somewhere with an accurate clock, this creates a sense of continuum for your flux and keeps it somewhat stable. Imagine what could happen if you suddenly had quantum flux destabilization............... uh-oh.

edit See also

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