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“Yes ma'am, I can ASSURE you that I only make QUALITY movies... No I don't know what that lump on my forehead is.”
Quality Assurance first evolved during the armless, toothless, NPRless days of life on Planet Earth. The sea dwelling creatures of the time were tired of all being exactly alike (similar to Nickelback songs), and thus designated their most despised comrades to experiment with self-mutilation in an effort to find variations that were advantageous and resulted in non-death.
Early failures were frequent, often resulting in true freaks of nature (see Gary Busey). There was no known title for these early pioneers until one of them evolved the uncanny ability to tirelessly run circles inside vertical wheels and dubbed himself a Guineasaur. Later the name changed to Guinea Pig after the dinosaurs accidentally evolved the ability to die out en mass.
A Change in Role
After 3.495 billion years of experimenting with ways to not completely die out, Guinea Pig members evolved a backbone (a feature earlier rejected as being too bold) and rebelled. They decided it would be far more life-preserving if they began to assure the quality of everyone else, instead of themselves. Thus, quite obviously, they changed their name to Quality Assurance and began to do exactly what their name suggests.
History of Modern QA Empire
QA officially became a state in 1964. Early on, Quality Assurance citizens preferred to live in closely knit communes, usually surrounded by high walls and nuclear powered spetsnaz. They claimed it was to protect them from the inevitable BSOD invasion, however, this is highly debated. For instance, it’s well known that a liberal QA group called “Tubbies” were responsible for influencing part of the code behind BSOD, primarily the color blue.
Eventually war broke out over QA's acceptance of "Coolweb" as a legit practice. This led to the slaughter of World War III where the "box of power" proved to be more than a match for the poorly equipped QA specialists. Eventually, their home world was destroyed by the Army of Development and Princess Hannah Montana. Quality Assurance soon became an endangered species. To save themselves, they split into the Red Party and the Blue Party, spreading across the galaxy. They used a new secret language, creating the Super Code and used it on the Interweb which put them centuries ahead of their enemies technologically. This is often called the Technology Diaspora.
Finally, one particular group renamed itself the Business Objectives Revision Group (BORG) and threatened revenge on all who had wronged them. Horror followed. Their anger and vengeful nature launched the dark ages, which led to horrors like the invention of tofu, Toyota, Cambridge, and Bill Gates. With Development's fearless leader, Hannah Montana dead, the BORG seemed poised to create Utopia. But the forces of good somehow managed to develop the QA's Bane, despite all odds, which left both sides in a stalemate. Soon after, the Treaty of Nerds eventually brought peace between the BORG and the newly formed Google Empire. This newfound peace led to the golden age of Technology.
The Modern Quality Assurer
In modern times, the typical Quality Assurer is identical to his comrades. This stands in contrast to their original role as seekers of diversity. It is theorized that this is a concerted effort to undermine their 3.495 billion years of evolutionary slavery. It is unknown how one comes to be a part of this Assurance Collective, but a predisposition to pointing out the faults of others is thought to be a contributing factor.
A modern Quality Assurer is defined by these traits:
- Dead, emotionless eyes (eyes with life were deemed too unique and different)
- Stilted, broken, and often confusing word patterns (a result of over-QAing their own speech)
- An unmistakable desire to destroy everything that is fun
- Marching like the Gestapo
- Quoting rules and regulations which give them the right to correct everything you've done
- A record of arresting Unique in his home, without a warrant
A typical QA (Quality Assurance) member can be found holding a position of relative power, often lording over his fellow co-workers. Upon the discovery of even the slightest mistake he will often go out of his way to point out this error to the offending party (even if the offending party is currently QAing his own bowel movements). While all others may use a sliding scale to determine the weight of each of their errors, a QA member believes all mistakes are exactly the same and that each is of complete and utter importance.
The Two Main Types of Modern Quality Assurers
There are multiple breeds of Quality Assurers living among us today. Two main breeds, however, dominate the species.
The first of these breeds, the Justifier of Everything Lame (hereafter referred to as JoEL), is the more dominate of the two. In stark irony to their surface persona as a seeker of perfection, they take great pleasure in supporting lame institutions and activities. Then, justify this lameness instead of using their QA prowess to wipe them out.
You will know this breed by their support of things like the Cincinnati Reds, Red Hawks and Red States. This love of all things red also hints to their covert support of Communism. Despite their outward disdain for socialization, inwardly they love the idea of sameness. This is apparent in their uncontrollable need to match all things to the pixel. "Match it!" is their battle cry.
Less is known about the more aloof breed of QA known as The Johal. If, however, you ever encounter one, you will know him by his love of Opera and his outrageous accent. Watch out for cars labeled JOHAL; a typical member of this species will use the car to QA people in the parking lot, resulting in a loss of mistakes and life.
The Johal's native name is Jaswinder, but that's too hard for you to pronounce.
- The Borg: It is common knowledge that the Borg seek out perfection and unity, a known Modus Operandi of QA personnel
- The Decepticons: Megatron only wishes he could be as ruthless and without feeling as those who follow the path of Quality Assurance
- Christians: Perfection through punishment and eternal damnation
- Monkeys: Keeps a JoEL clean, as well as performing other services, under his desk. May cause giggles.
Successful JoEL/The Johal Mating Examples/Strategies
- None (yet).
- Note: it has been theorized that creating a Reds webpage in Opera might elicit the right mood.