From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Quakers were a particularly ferocious group of blood thirsty Nietzschean vampire Pirates who spent the majority of their time sailing around the arctic in winter. They lived a very Spartan lifestyle, wrestling polar bears in their prime using their bare hands, seal clubbing and whaling with high powered Chinese machine guns. Their most prized prey however is Sasquatch, for as the missing evolutionary link, Big Foot and other animals are not quite human enough to be deserving of the pacifism afforded to humans.
They would ordain women as clan mothers, binding the crew together as blood brothers; they did not believe in religious symbols or baptism as they caused their vampire flesh to burn. Although never endorsed openly by any nation, Canada has always been particularly tolerant of Quakers, and their murderous tendencies. Quakers left an ever-lasting scar upon the earth when they stormed Pennsylvania and took the entire state by force.
edit A Brief History of Crime
The Quaker history has been a particularly violent one. Many famous pirates have sailed under the dreaded Quaker banner, each more loathsome that the last. Over the millennium Quakers have sailed under many names, such as the "Society of Fiends". Quaker, as it were, is derived from the uncontrollable shaking from fear they instilled in animals, and from how how their bodies would recoil firing their machine guns, lighting up the perpetual night sky of the cold arctic winters.
After their invasion of Pennsylvania in 1681, led by count William Penn, the Quakers established their base of operations in Pittsburgh. Shakers were a clan skilled at crafting clockwork contraptions and fine furniture of wood and bone; they eschewed sex for combat with their cybernetic circular saws.
edit The Golden Age of Quaking
edit Famous Quaker captains
edit Billy "Bilge Rat" Penn
William Penn was born in 1644 to Bic Penn and Mary Penn in a two-room cottage in rural Derbyshire. Although from a poor background, young William found his calling early in life after visiting a busy port in Liverpool and witnessing longshoremen wrestling captive polar bears down at the docks. Penn went through town, looking for able-bodied men to join him on a quest for gory glory.
edit George "Bloodbath" Fox
George Fox is responsible for the technological advances that turned Quakers from a small group of virtually unarmed hooligans into the scourge of the seven seas. He, along with "Beretta" Barclay, got the technologically superior Chinese addicted to Cadbury, Rowntree and Fry's and extorted them of their automatic weapons. From that day forth the oceans and rivers would red run with the blood of their enemies.
edit John Wilbur
John Wilbur preached a return to traditional Quaker values. He wanted everyone to forget the use of Machine guns, and return to more primal knife fighting. Unfortunately, in his late life, he lapsed into a case of dementia, hearing voices from God. He was confined to his cabin and spent his days complaining about poor sportsmanship and the unavailability of the traditional Quaker diet of oatmeal, grog and virgin blood.
edit Bobby "Beretta" Barclay
Born Robert Barclay, Beretta Barclay would grow up to commit the single greatest act of any Quaker. He took it upon himself to kidnap the Bohemian princess-abbess of Herford Abbey Elisabeth of the Palatinate and hold her for ransom. Strangely enough Barclay was never convicted of the crime, even though it was common knowledge that he did it. He later released a book "Barclay's Apology: If I did it".
edit Mary "Liar Liar" Dyer
Mary Dyer's husband was a notorious Boston gangster and member of the Hutchinson gang involved in the had the misfortune of miscarrying, birth defects being a sure sign of demonic possession and cause for her exile from Boston. On a trip to England her ship was hijacked and she was impressed into service with the Quakers. She was captured by the Puritan authorities and hung for her faith based piracy.
edit Quaker philosophy
From an early age, all Quakers are taught according to the principles of Quakerism:
- Refuse to take oaths. (They never tell the truth.)
- Treat all people equally. (They all taste like pork.)
- Wear only what is needed. (Red clothes were good; the bloodstains didn't show.)
- All life is sacred. (Like the Velociraptors they evolved from, Quakers started as scavengers.)
- There are no creeds. (Some people like William Pen just deserve more money than others.)
Quakers however do have a god. His name is Charles Darwin and they satisfy his insatiable hunger for oatmeal by churning for him. Quakers are historically a very superstitious breed. They thought that to sail under any banner but their own was to draw the ire of the ocean. It was because on the rare occasion they were captured alive, they would immediately jump overboard, with whatever chains or shackles they wore at the time. Quakers believed Darwin had chosen them as his ubermensch and promised them the arctic as their holy land.
In later years Quakers returned to their scavenger roots. They plumped up from sweets and refused to do their hunting themselves, instead serving as paramedics in the world wars, preying off the lifeblood of dying soldiers that they'd mix into their oats.