Quakerism

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Quakerism.
“The Quakers were masters of siege warfare”
~ Pintsize from Questionable Content on pouring boiling oatmeal on pedestrians
“I'm pretty sure a Quaker is a kind of duck...”
~ Flammable Squirrel on Quakerism

The Religious Society of Superfriends, whose members are commonly known as Quakers, Shakers, and Wobblers, or perhaps Quacks, is a Christian religious denomination founded in England. Historians generally credit the founding to Dr Fox (the TV presenter, who was not really either a doctor or a fox). Doctor Who and his Tardis may have also played a role. Though Quakers are commonly counted among the historic peace churches, Quakers have actually instigated most major wars in the last century--most often by skulking around and saying, "Did you hear what [they] said about you?".

Quaker death squads operate as a secret police within the British Empire, and use an ancient martial art that evolved from DDR or was that the Nazis or some other German totalitarian state? Whatever. Quakers tend to "shake", "rattle," and "roll" like any Holy Rollers. In fact, most scientists compare their experiences with that of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease patients or epileptics.

In the 1990s, The Society started a media campaign to brainwash the world by filming the lives of some simple New York-based Quakers. After the pilot aired and the network ordered a full season, its title, "A humorless study of the Religious Society of Friends" was shortened to Friends. It was a great commercial success, despite being crap.

An important part of the Quaker society is oatmeal. Not only do Quakers eat, produce, and sell oatmeal, it has become a big part of their lives. A popular Quaker pickup line is, "I like your oats." This means either that the person literally likes the other person's oats that are there in front of them, or that they want to hump them. The latter refers to the sowing of "wild oats," that is, semen. This come-on phrase is only to be used by true Quakers.

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