Quake (video game series)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
"QUAKES AND DOOMS!!" - George Lovegrove and Joe Stileman on Quake and other popular video game, Doom.
Not to be confused with the equally popular, cake.
Quake is a series of 4 video games inspired by the scientific principle called Quad Damage. Scientists discovered that driving a railroad peg through a crescent blade caused a chemical reaction that makes weapons do double damage. To oversell the idea, they referred to it as Quad Damage, even though the damage was only doubled. Subsequent video games in the series resulted from the discovery that adding more pegs to the device increases the damage level, thus the only true Quad Damage can be found in Quake 4.
edit The Games
Quake began as the next NIN album. Realizing that his music was way too boring, Trent Reznor came up with the concept of a game album. He did all the development and programing himself then sold the album to id Software. Quake is important because it is the first 3D FPS. No Doom wasn't 3D. No. No. Shut the fuck up! You don't even know what your talking about! Doom is at best 2.7D. There weren't even rooms over rooms. No there wasn't! Look for yourself!
The album was released free of charge to all players in 1993. An error upon it's release caused only the first episode to be accessible. id Software fixed the bug, but was forced to charge players $49.99 to patch their games due to excessive costs.
It was also the first game to be made entirely of brown.
edit Quake 2
Quake 2 plays exactly the same as Quake, with the exception of 2 very important additions: The BFG10K, the Railgun, the Hyperblaster, the Chaingun, and Hand Grenades. The railgun allows the player to simply point at an enemy and click to kill them. A vector is drawn between the muzzle and the victim after the death to attempt to fool the player into believing that this is actually possible. The BFG is a very awesome gun. It emits a Green Sphere which kills everything in the room before exiting the computer through the monitor and killing everyone in the house. Hand Grenades are very useful because the game understands that you might forget to throw it after you pull the pin out, and thus rewards you with a health bonus after 3 seconds. The chaingun fires bullets at an extremely rapid pace but takes some time to fully speed up. The hyperblaster shoots little droplets of pure lava which burn an idiot up.
Besides the new weapons, Quake 2 adds a completely different story line. It offers an alternate history theory where Jesus is the leader of an alien world called the Strogg who lead an attack on earth to harvest the human race and convert them so that they can be born again into cybernetic organisms. John Carmack of id Software comments that "the idea of respawns in the multiplayer game was inspired by Jesus, who respawned 3 days after he saw the pretty lights from 1337_h4x0r's BFG." Anyway, a lone marine kills the entire strogg race with his super shotgun including the final boss, Optimus Prime, leaving absolutely no room for a sequel.
edit Quake 4
Quake 4, also known as Quake 2 2, is a direct sequel to Quake 2. Some of the Stroggs have respawned and built more Strogg in Strogg Factories. To make matters worse, the Strogg have joined forces with The Borg, realizing that their goals were roughly the same. The player controls Kathryn Janeway as she must once again kill every last strogg with a shotgun and pick up a few Data CDs and Security Passes along the way. Raven Software made a cheap knockoff of this game called Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force, ironically using the Quake 3 graphics engine. Quake 4 has roughly the same guns as Quake 2, with new skins for the Railgun, BFG, Grenade Launcher, Shotgun, Shit Pistol, Rocket Launcher, and Machinegun. Quake 4 also adds a rapidly firing staple gun which is eventually modified to fire homing staples.
The story line of quake 4 adds some very new elements. One of which is having to watch your player be hacked to pieces in the most brutal way possible to become a Strogg. However the damage is not fully done because you still retain your mind and are trusted by the Humans. This modification allows the player to walk faster, jump higher, use Strogg Gatorade stations to replenish electrolytes, and read all signs that are written in Strogg 1337-Speak.
edit Quake 3
Quake 3 is at the end because it is not actually a video game. It is an instant messaging client that allows users to kill each other in a virtual 3D environment with devices that resemble weapons. Those without an internet connection can have in-depth conversations with chat bots using one of the best AIs ever created (called id tech 3).
edit Quake LIVE
A remake of the above one, where a modernized HUD and browser compatibility is obliterated upon an old game. There is also the minor addition of it being 10$. Great for Retro Gamers who liked the above one, but hated the gore.
edit Quad Damage
Quad Damage is id's revolutionary gaming powerup that started in Quake 1 and has been the one uniting element of every subsequent Quake title.