Québec

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{{VFH|nompage=Québec}}
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[[File:quebecsnow.jpg|thumb|250px|Quebecers are friendly and hard workers.]]
[[File:quebecsnow.jpg|thumb|320px|Quebecers are friendly and hard workers.]]
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{{Q|Vive le Québec... Vive le Québec LIBRE!|Charles de Gaulle, shouting at thousands of half-drunk, raging Quebecers}}
{{Q|Vive le Québec... Vive le Québec LIBRE!|Charles de Gaulle shouting at thousands of half-drunk raging Quebecers}}
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{{Q|The problem with Québec is that it is full of Quebecers|P.-E. Trudeau, in a moment of self-doubt with his analyst}}
{{Q|The problem with Québec is that it is full of Quebecers|P.-E. Trudeau, admitting he is a problem. (Quebecers agree)}}
 
{{Q|Get the hell out of my ancestral lands!|Quebecers addressing the rest of Canada}}
 
   
'''Québec''' (pronounciation /kəˈbɛk/ or /kwɪˈbɛk/), is a province situated in Eastern [[Canada]] whose population always had a rebellious attitude. From the day the [[English]] conquered them in 1759 (because the poor blokes were not used to the indigens' "tobacco" and stumbled around the battle field like errands) to this day, they tend to see themselves as a distinct society, thanks to their particularity of being the only North Americans to predominantly use French. Truth be told, Québec sports a lot of outstanding traits. For example, it is the sole location in the world where you need to actually speak to someone before you know if you are going to be [[Racism|racist]] towards your interlocutor.
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'''Québec''' (pronounciation /kəˈbɛk/ or /kwɪˈbɛk/), is a province in Eastern [[Canada]] whose population always had a rebellious attitude. Ever since the [[English]] conquered them in 1759 (because the Natives' tobacco made them cough and [[Barf|vomit]] during key battles), they see themselves as a distinct society, thanks to their affectation of being the only North Americans outside Ivy-League universities to mostly speak [[French]]. In fact, Québec sports a lot of outstanding traits. For example, it is the sole location in the world where you need to actually speak to someone before you know if you are going to be a [[Racism|racist]] towards him.
   
The province could also be labeled as [[Communism|communist]] due to its free health care system, government policies actually caring about the poor and the tendency to share STDs. The overwhelming majority of the population is against the [[Taliban|Afghan]] war, unlike their Canadian counterparts. They are however quite favorable to camel imports from said country.
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Quebecers are proudly defined by the province's system of free health care. And it's too bad about your father, but if he thought he really needed a [[Dianalysis|lithotripter]], he could always have traveled to [[British Columbia]] or claimed to be a [[dog]].
   
The [[Marijuana|pot]] produced in Québec is a National pride (Québec Gold). A single puff will cause you to laugh at a light pole for hours.
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[[File:Je m'oublie.jpg|thumb|right|The province's license plates contain the motto that celebrates the history of smoking Québec Gold.]]
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Most Quebecers are opposed to the [[Taliban|Afghan]] war, unlike their counterparts elsewhere in Canada. They are, however, quite favorable to [[camel]] imports from said country. They don't smoke Camels, though, as the [[Marijuana|pot]] produced in Québec is a source of national pride (Québec Gold). A single puff will make you laugh at a light pole for hours.
It is to be noted that the renegade attitude of the inhabitants is certainly derived from the fact that a considerable amount of their ancestors were prisoners in [[France]] who were presented with 2 choices: [[Prisoner's dilemma|either go and settle New France or rot in jail.]] Tough choice to make indeed.
 
 
The amazing healthy curves the women are exhibiting can be explained by the fact that France's King sent his most beautiful and healthy concubines (the "''Filles du Roi''") in order for the settlers to produce the strongest and mightiest offspring possible so that they could endure the harsh conditions of the new land. The end result of this wholesome [[Make love|mix]] is your modern-day Quebecer.[[File:fillesduroi.jpg|thumb|400px|The ''Filles du Roi's'' arrival sparked heated debates among the first settlers: "I take the one on the right!" "No, me!" "I saw her first!" "She's MINE!" "She looked at ME first!" "NO WAY!" "You're too ugly for her!" "Come here you %$*%@¤£!!!" '''*GENERAL BATTLE*''']]
 
   
 
==History/La Fantastique épopée==
 
==History/La Fantastique épopée==
 
===First contact/Premier contact===
 
===First contact/Premier contact===
In 1534, Jacques Cartier managed to find the Gaspesian peninsula and planted a [[Cross (disambiguation)|cross]] there. He was greeted by a flock of arrows shot by the Natives, who obviously thought his crew were demons from an unknown world. Cartier finally gained their sympathy by offering them mirrors and knives. Feeling a little bit guilty for the "THIS IS [[Sparta|AMERICAAA!!!]]" welcome, the Amerindians showered the strangers with beaver and bear furs as gifts. A relationship of friendship and trust was born. Upon their arrival back to [[Europe]], Cartier and his sailors were almost shot on sight when disembarking because the Europeans mistook them for unknown animals thanks to their new furs.
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[[File:amerindian.jpg|thumb|left|200px|The pioneers were greeted by Chief Itchy Scalp, modeling his new ''Côte-de-Liesse'' (Coat of Lice)]]
[[File:amerindian.jpg|thumb|left|240px|"Sorry about all those arrows, bro. I hope we didn't scare you."]]
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In 1534, Jacques Cartier naturally took the Macdonald-Cartier Freeway all the way to the Gaspé peninsula and planted a [[Cross (disambiguation)|cross]] there. He quickly came to understand the place name as the party was greeted by (gaspe!) a flock of arrows shot by the Natives, who understand what happens to a neighborhood when swells in foppish dress start to arrive. But Cartier won them over by offering them mirrors, trinkets, and microbes, a technique that would prove successful for buying off brave warriors up and down the coast. The Natives felt guilty for their harsh welcome earlier and showered the explorers with beaver and bear furs. Cartier's men, for their part, got rid of the ruffles, put on the furs, and developed what the Natives called "street cred," even though, upon their return to [[Europe]], they were thus mistaken for fierce animals and almost shot on sight.
   
 
===Québec City founded/Ville de Québec fondée===
 
===Québec City founded/Ville de Québec fondée===
In 1608, Champlain founded Québec City. He was compelled to spend the winter there by a young, very promiscuous Amerindian damsel. However, his crew and himself were soon plagued by a new illness: the scurvy. That's when the Natives' herbal knowledge came into play. After smoking the weed with a calumet, all illnesses were gone, and the supplementary benefit which consisted of seeing little Pink [[Elephant]]s was not displeasing at all. They spent the winter high as hell and returned home in the spring with a great load of the herb. Champlain and his remaining crew got lost numerous times on the way back to Europe, wandering in [[circle]]s in the Atlantic Ocean and even mistakenly coming back to Québec (they put that mishap to profit by replenishing their herb stock). They convened to make a little detour on their returning trip, stopping in Maya, where they hoarded crates full of chocolate to satisfy their munchies. Some argue that it is a [[Miracle on Ice|miracle]] that they finally managed to land on Europe's shores safely.
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In 1608, Champlain founded Québec City. He received another welcoming shower of beaver and bear furs, but was compelled to winter there by a particularly compelling beaver. When he and his crew were plagued by a new illness—the scurvy—the Natives' herbal lore came to the rescue. After smoking the said herb with a calumet, the men were better than cured, and the coincidental sight of little pink [[elephant]]s was not displeasing at all. They set sail for home in the spring with a great load of the herb on board. Champlain and his remaining crew got lost numerous times on the way back to Europe, often sailing in [[circle]]s and once returning to Québec (a mistake that they put to profit by replenishing their herb stock). An impromptu side trip to Maya let them hoard crates of chocolate, with which to fight the Munchies. The mere fact that they reached Europe safely is now referred to with veneration as the "Miracle on Ice."
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The King of France (''Le king de France'') sent his most beautiful and healthiest concubines—the fabled ''Filles du Roi''—so that the settlers might produce the mightiest offspring possible, to endure the harsh conditions of the new land. This accounts for the amazingly healthy curves of modern-day Quebec women, while their rebellious [[Bitch|attitude]] derives from the fact that many of the male ancestors were prisoners in [[France]] who were presented with two choices: [[Dilemma|either go and settle New France or rot in jail.]] Tough choice indeed.
   
 
===The British victory/La crosse britannique===
 
===The British victory/La crosse britannique===
In 1759, the greedy [[Britain|British]] Army had their sights on the land [[Theft|rightfully appropriated from the Amerindians]] by the happy people of Québec city. General Wolfe urged the French people to surrender the town. Not one to capitulate without a fight, (this will baffle all French historians) the leader of the Resistance, [[Fact|Montcalm, famously retorted]]:
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[[File:fillesduroi.jpg|thumb|400px|At a pageant, the ''Filles du Roi'' continue the Natives' hospitable tradition of regaling visitors with beaver and bear furs. (There are no bear furs in this photograph.)]]
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In 1759, the [[Britain|British]] Army began to fancy liberating the land that the Quebecers had previously [[Theft|liberated]] from the Natives. General Wolfe urged his French adversaries to surrender and leave. Montcalm, the leader of ''la Resistance,'' surprised no one more than himself (except every French historian since then), by famously [[Fact|retorting]]:
   
{{Q|I'll answer you by my cannons' mouths!|Montcalm, exhibiting a little too much self-confidence}}
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{{Q|I'll answer you by my cannons' mouths!|Montcalm, exhibiting great self-confidence}}
   
The battle raged on for days when in a surprising turn of events, the cannons' mouths ultimately stopped shouting due to a cannonball shortage. After using all the city's [[bowling]] balls in a desperate maneuver, a bitter and demoralized (and dead) Montcalm had to concede defeat.
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The battle raged on for days when, in a surprising turn of events, the cannons' mouths all stopped shouting, due to the unexpected end of the supply of cannonballs. After a brief period of frenzied warfare using [[bowling]] balls, which also ran out, Montcalm—bitter, demoralized, and dead—conceded defeat.
   
Since that time, the English people have tried by all means possible to subdue Québec's population into abandoning the melodious French language and take up English: mass deportations, discrimination, playing [[Celine Dion|Céline Dion]]'s songs in the cities at night, etc. Some 250 years later, those efforts have proved to be in vain: the stubborn Quebecers still speak ''La Langue de [[Moliere|Molière]]''.
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Since that time, the English have tried everything to push the Quebecers into taking up English: subtle disapproval, mass deportations, and playing [[Celine Dion|Céline Dion]]'s songs in the cities at night. Sadly, some 250 years later, success is still somewhere around the next bend, as the stubborn Quebecers still speak ''La Langue de [[Moliere|Audjjourdjj'hui]]''.
   
 
===The Patriots/Les Patriotes===
 
===The Patriots/Les Patriotes===
In an event that is still talked about today in the province as the most [[hero]]ic act to have graced the Land, an uprising orchestrated by a group calling themselves ''The Patriots'' led to the adoption of a Declaration of Independence that granted equality to the exploited French people and affordable poutine prices. In 1838, Papineau led his renegade companions to an overwhelming victory in what would go down in history as "''The Battle of Saint-Denis''". Armed with pitchforks and slingshots against rifles and cannons, they managed to hold on to their positions until the British finally sent all their forces in the mosh pit, outnumbering the rebels 246 to one. In an incredible act of cruelty, they set ablaze the [[church]] of St-Eustache where the last Patriots were hiding, turning those poor souls into BBQ'd martyrs. Quebecers will NEVER forget the Patriots, unless of course [[Apathy|there's a good sitcom on TV tonight.]]
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In 1838, in what is still the most [[hero]]ic act to grace the land, an uprising orchestrated by ''Les'' so-called ''Patriotes'' led to the adoption of a Declaration of Independence that guaranteed the exploited French equal rights—and affordable [[poutine]]. Papineau led his renegades to an overwhelming victory in the famous ''"The Battle of Saint-Denis."'' Armed with pitchforks and slingshots against rifles and cannons, they held their positions until the British finally stormed the mosh pit, outnumbering them 246 to one. The British cruelly set ablaze the [[church]] of St-Eustache where the last Patriots were hiding, turning them into crispened martyrs and establishing overcooked meat rescued with a dash of store-brand barbecue sauce as the regional [[breakfast]]. All that remains of this national landmark is the underground catacombs—the so-called Eustachian Tubes. Quebecers will '''never''' forget the Patriots, unless of course [[Apathy|there's a good sitcom on TV tonight.]]
   
 
==Notorious cities in Québec/Célèbres patelins du Québec==
 
==Notorious cities in Québec/Célèbres patelins du Québec==
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The major cities of Québec began as simple lumber camps and bunches of hunting shacks, and strive to retain their historical character.
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===Montreal/Montréal===
 
[[File:Polarbear.gif|thumb|right|500px|Bears chillin' in a Montreal park]]
 
[[File:Polarbear.gif|thumb|right|500px|Bears chillin' in a Montreal park]]
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{{Main|Montreal}}
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The largest French-speaking city outside [[Paris]], Montreal was named after the solid waste disposal area in the center of the island, euphemistically called "Mount Royal". The city's inhabitants are called ''Montréalais'' (literally: "Heirs of the Great Flying [[Moose]]"). One of the city's greatest attractions is the ''Oratoire Saint-Joseph,'' a religious landmark where vendors will sell you the authentic Shroud of Turin for a mere $200. (Two for $350!)
   
Here is a sample of hunting shack agglomerations and lumber camps you can find up there:
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Montreal is the home of the Big Owe (in French, ''le "gros bol de toilette"''), a baseball stadium that is now as useful as a refrigerator in [[Antarctica]], except that it would be inaccessible due to ice in the opposite months. It was home to the financial disaster known as the 1976 Summer [[Olympics]], followed by the financial disaster known as the Montreal Expos. An attempt by city workers to search underneath the concrete foundation for sinkholes that might have been swallowing the revenues was ineffective. The Expos became the Nationals, but unfortunately of a somewhat sunnier nation. The stadium now hosts the annual North American horseshoe-throwing contest. The building is quickly decaying to rubble, though there are hopes that the municipal union will soon determine whose job it is to maintain it.
   
===[[Montreal]]/Montréal===
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In 2008, Formula One pulled out of Montreal because gigantic potholes were more than the drivers bargained for. Because of this, the only slalom sport remaining in the city limits is pedestrians swerving around [[hobo]]s on the East side before the hobos can pick their pockets. This is also an endurance sport, as competitors who swoon before completing the course will awaken stripped of their possessions and clothes. (Though walking around naked is ''de rigueur'' in the evening in clubs on Stuart Street, most of us want to see qualified professionals do it, and not you.)
The largest French-speaking city outside [[Paris]], [[Montreal]] was named after the soil elevation in its center called "Mount Royal". Its inhabitants are called ''Montréalais'', which in English roughly translates to "heirs of the Great Flying [[Moose]]". One of the metropolis' greatest attractions is the ''Oratoire Saint-Joseph'', a religious landmark where the vendors will attempt to sell you the authentic Shroud of Turin for a mere $200. Two for $350!
 
   
Montreal is the home of the Big Owe (''le "gros bol de toilette"''), a baseball stadium that is now as useful as a refrigerator in [[Antarctica]]. It was home to the financial disaster known as the 1976 Summer [[Olympics]] and the now-defunct Montreal Expos baseball club. It now hosts the annual North American horseshoe throwing contest. The building is quickly falling to rubble thanks to the overly lazy city workers.
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Key Montreal exports include smoked meat, [[beer]] and hockey players. Imports mostly include bottle openers, flip-flops and, alas, Englishmen.
   
In 2008, [[Formula One]] swiftly left the place since the potholes in the racing circuit were getting out of control. Once again, the idleness of city workers is to blame. While much of the city is nice, a walk to the city's East side will traumatize you: going around the [[hobo]]s who try to rip you of your money can qualify as an endurance sport and stopping your dodge-and-walk maneuvers to contemplate the ugliness of the place will cause you to faint (and then wake up stripped of your possessions and clothes).
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'''Did you know?''' ...that there are more pedestrians hit by [[car]]s on the Island of Montreal than anywhere else in the province? Many of the city's drivers seem to view the walkers as [[ball]]s in a [[pinball]] machine, and their cars as the flippers.
 
It is also worth mentioning that key Montreal exports include smoked meat, [[beer]] and hockey players. Imports mostly include can openers, flip-flops and very sadly, English people.
 
 
'''Did you know?''' ...that there are more pedestrians hit by [[car]]s on the Island of Montreal than anywhere else in the province? It is believed that the city's drivers see the walkers as [[ball]]s in a [[pinball]] machine, and think their cars are the flippers.
 
 
[[File:Quebecsmile.png|thumb|Quebecer's face when an American, Asian or European tourist asks him for directions. He'll happily help!]]
 
[[File:Quebecsmile.png|thumb|Quebecer's face when an American, Asian or European tourist asks him for directions. He'll happily help!]]
 
[[File:Quebecneutral.jpg|thumb|Quebecer's face when an English-Canadian tourist asks him for directions. He'll pretend he doesn't understand English or send him the opposite way.]]
 
[[File:Quebecneutral.jpg|thumb|Quebecer's face when an English-Canadian tourist asks him for directions. He'll pretend he doesn't understand English or send him the opposite way.]]
 
[[File:Quebecangry.jpg|thumb|Quebecer's face when you tell him you've been in Québec for 2 years and still don't speak French. '''RUN!''']]
 
[[File:Quebecangry.jpg|thumb|Quebecer's face when you tell him you've been in Québec for 2 years and still don't speak French. '''RUN!''']]
   
===Québec City/Ville de Québec===
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===Quebec City/Ville de Québec===
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{{Main|Quebec City}}
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The oldest city in North America (founded [[1608]]), Québec City is known as "''La Vieille Capitale''" (The Old Hag). The [[architecture]] and cuisine remind visitors of Europe without smelly people. The chilly temperatures are compensated for by the women, who are so hot that they keep the city virtually [[snow]]-free, though they sometimes cause flooding in the dead of winter.
   
The oldest city in North America (founded [[1608]]), Québec City is known as "''La Vieille Capitale''" (The Old Hag). The [[architecture]] and cuisine will remind the visitors of Europe, minus the smelly people. The chilly temperatures are compensated by the hotness of the women. They radiate so much heat that they virtually keep the city [[snow]]-free. A downside to this is that they sometimes cause flooding right in the middle of winter.
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The city is also known for its narrow, awkward [[road]]s which mostly run vertically, as the place was built with walled fortifications by Montcalm to repel the English. You'll need a V12, 1000 hp [[Racecar Bed Racing|engine]] to climb some of the National Capital's steepest streets—and a parachute for the return trip.
   
The city is also known for its narrow, awkward [[road]]s which mostly run vertically as the place was built with walled fortifications by Montcalm to keep the English invaders out. You'll need a V12, 1000 hp [[Racecar Bed Racing|engine]] to climb some of the National Capital's steepest streets. A parachute is heavily recommended for the downhill ride.
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The only industries are "''la function publique''" (as nearly all the population is employed in the bureaucracy) and tourism. The latter is a necessary evil, as the locals have to endure the English-Canadians who keep invading every year. Quebecers smile, take their cash, and laugh at them only after they leave.
   
The only industries are "''la function publique''" (it is estimated that 107% of the population works for the [[Communism|communist]] government) and [[tourism]]; the citizens have to endure the English-Canadians that keep invading every year. Quebecers smile, take their cash and laugh at their stupid superficial manners when they are gone.
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In 2008, the citizens of Québec City invested gobs of tax dollars to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the glorious Motherland. During this year of celebrations, the city's [[mayor]] (a dictator with a notorious, posthumous man-crush on Napoleon) kidnapped Sir [[Paul McCartney]] and forced him to sing in the middle of a grassy field, thus attracting half of the entire province's population.
 
Lately, in 2008, the citizens of Québec City invested tremendous amounts of their tax dollars in order to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the glorious Motherland. During this year of celebrations, the city's [[mayor]] (a notorious dictator whose idolisation of Napoleon is well-known) kidnapped Sir [[Paul McCartney]] and forced him to sing in the middle of a grassy field, thus attracting half of the entire province's population.
 
   
 
'''Did you know?''' ...that there is a city law protecting poutine? There is a violation charge of $200 for anybody that wastes poutine or expresses a mild dislike for it. A second offence will get you deported at best. The worst (but plausible) scenario is that you'll never make it out of the restaurant alive.
 
'''Did you know?''' ...that there is a city law protecting poutine? There is a violation charge of $200 for anybody that wastes poutine or expresses a mild dislike for it. A second offence will get you deported at best. The worst (but plausible) scenario is that you'll never make it out of the restaurant alive.
   
===[[Ottawa]]-Gatineau===
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===Ottawa-Gatineau===
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{{Main|Ottawa}}
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Ottawa is basically an [[Hole|abandoned lumber camp]]. It has some pretty historic buildings and reportedly hosts a few [[Ottawa Senators|important meetings]]. However, Ottawa is not in Québec, but Gatineau is.
   
It basically is an [[Hole|abandoned lumber camp]]. Home of Scott Paper and Domtar (2 paper-making companies that will please the toilet enthusiast), the population of Gatineau is mostly composed of government English Canadian double agents who try to infiltrate the populace to assess the threat of rebellion but fail miserably thanks to the innate ability of a Quebecer to sniff a phony from a mile away.
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Gatineau has equally historic paper mills, as Scott Paper and Domtar compete for access to the nation's bottoms. It has such seamless [[planning]] and zoning that the visitor gets the impression that there are no gas stations or convenience stores at all. This is not always what you want.
   
Don't bother asking asking a Quebecer for directions to "la région de la [[Capital]]e Nationale"; [[truth|they don't have any idea where in the hell is Ottawa, or if it even exists]] (or any English city for that matter). They will most likely misdirect you to Quebec City. Montrealers will look at you strangely, yawn and get on their way.
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Gatineau is lousy with English-speaking employees of the Canadian government. They are on-site to detect any hints of rebellion. They never do, thanks to the innate ability of a Quebecer to sniff a phony a mile away.
   
Gatineau was forever immortalized in the song "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" by [[Lenny Kravitz]] with the chorus [[lyrics]] "But what I really want to know is: Are you gonna go my way? And I got to... Gatineau!"
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Remarkably, asking any resident of Gatineau for directions to the national capital does not induce him to simply point across the river but to draw detailed directions—to Québec City. Who says [[practical jokes]] are out of fashion?
   
'''Did you know?''' ...that Ottawa is the capital of a country named "Canada"?
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===Sherbrooke===
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{{Main|Sherbrooke}}
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Sherbrooke, also known as [[Shrek|Shrekbrooke]] as it is situated in the middle of a fantasy land called the "Eastern townships," is a way for Quebecers to nestle up near the warmth of the [[United States]], and sometimes to sneak in a few furtive phrases of English. Sherbrooke has an International Airport with everything the traveler would want, except scheduled service to anywhere. There is no train service, either, but buses run to several large Quebec cities for that occasional shopping trip.
   
 
===Chicoutimi===
 
===Chicoutimi===
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[[Image:New Wyatt Junction Bridge.jpg|thumb|left|400px|The Chicoutimi bridge also serves as a huge radio antenna to help Canada detect extraterrestrial life that may help it solve the "budget impasse."]]
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On the Saguenay River near Lac St-Jean, near the home of the [[chocolate]]-covered blueberry, Chicoutimi is the proud home of the world's only aluminium bridge. The bridge is lightweight and requires no maintenance, as aluminum's huge thermal expansion is worked around by making the riverbanks change locations, occasionally moving to the other side of the downtown. The bridge is a hallmark of environmentally correct engineering, except for the annoying fact that it took Quebec's entire electricity production for six years to produce the aluminum.
   
Located amongst the Saguenay River fjords near Lac St-Jean (home of the [[chocolate]]-covered blueberry), Chicoutimi exists to produce aluminium. Now named Saguenay, it is the proud home of the first and only aluminium bridge in the world. While the bridge is lightweight and requires no maintenance, the high cost of electricity that was required to produce the material needed to build the structure in the first place is astonishing. It is a useful tool to perform [[CIA|mind-control experiments]] on the population, since the electro-magnetic field created by the bridge can penetrate the sturdiest of tinfoil [[hats]].
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The bridge facilitates [[MKULTRA|mind-control experiments]] on the population, as it creates an electromagnetic field that penetrates the sturdiest of tinfoil [[hats]]. One of the first thoughts implanted in the minds of the inhabitants is that only one Saguenay blueberry is required to make a whole [[pie]]. This does not mean it isn't true, though, as mutant blueberries are another effect of the bridge.
   
One of the first thoughts that were implanted in the minds of the inhabitants via the bridge is that only one Saguenay's blueberry is required to make a whole [[pie]]. The poor ''Saguenéens'' now roam the land mindlessly professing that fact, much to the [[What|dismay]] of their fellow countrymen.
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[[File:Saguenay pyramid.jpg|thumb|right|281px|Saguenay's Ha! Ha! pyramid, which commemorates the local sense of humor, is pictured on the reverse of the [[U.S.]] [[Dollar|dollar bill]], though unfortunately after [[New World Order|vandals]] scrawled an eyeball on one side.]]
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Chicoutimi is an example of "municipal amalgamation" in Quebec, in which redrawing boundaries takes the place of providing municipal services. Thus in 1976, it annexed the suburb of Chicoutimi-Nord, whereas in 2002 it met a bigger fish and itself became a minor administrative district of Saguenay. Reportedly, in the next round it will become a single ward of [[Quebec City]], though it may take some time for fire trucks to arrive. Now, when you ask a Quebecer where Chicoutimi is, he will merely glance at your license plate, mutter ''chez pas,'' and look away. Chicoutimi, however, remains the seat of the [[Catholicism|Catholic Diocese of Chicoutimi]], as well as the Chicoutimi Sales Region of [[Hyundai]], and of course the Chicoutimi [[McDonald's]].
   
 
'''Did you know?''' ...that back in the New France days, the Saguenay forts were defended by magically-enhanced [[User:Frosty|snowmen]] and beavers?
 
'''Did you know?''' ...that back in the New France days, the Saguenay forts were defended by magically-enhanced [[User:Frosty|snowmen]] and beavers?
   
 
===Laval===
 
===Laval===
[[File:Quebecpothole.jpg|right|thumb|left|220px|Typical Québec pothole.]]
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Laval is a large city on an island in the St. Lawrence River, just like Montreal. Only, it isn't Montreal, it's Laval. The island itself is named "Île Jésus," and Jesus! it is settling fast. Laval is known not only for its warm people but for its [[9/11|falling viaducts and buildings]].
   
Laval is a Montreal's suburb known for its warm people and [[9/11|falling viaducts and buildings]]. Unfortunately, the latter tends to claim the lives of said warm people. A great pastime for the citizens is to bet illegally on which infrastructure is going to [[WTC7|crumble without warning next.]] Last year's winner Jean Tremblay successfully predicted the collapse of 2 major bridges. He was just a little off about the total casualties (39). When joined by phone, the happy winner said he'll use the [[money]] to get the hell out of Laval before the whole city caves in and becomes a part of the St. Lawrence River.
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While the latter tends to claim the lives of the former, in the mean time it lets the former place bets on which piece of the latter is next going to [[WTC7|crumble without warning]]. Last year's winner, Jean Tremblay, successfully predicted the collapse of 2 major bridges, though he would have lost the tie-breaker as he was just a little off about the total casualties (39). Tremblay intends to use the [[money]] to get the hell out of Laval before the whole city caves in and becomes a part of the St. Lawrence River.
   
'''Did you know?''' ...that a ''Lavallois'' has a greater chance of dying as a result of a major building/infrastructure falling on or under him/her than one day having the common sense to actually move out of town?
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==Economy/Économie==
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[[File:Quebecpothole.jpg|right|thumb|left|220px|'''"Dive! Dive!"''' [[GPS]] units sold in the "crumbling city" must allow for navigation in three dimensions.]]
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The diversified economy of Québec takes substances that Quebecers refer to as "rezources" and produces the following commercial products:
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{| class="wikitable" style="margin-left: 1in"
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! Rezource [sic]
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! End product
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|-
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| [[Potato]] || [[Poutine]]
  +
|-
  +
| [[Bean]]s || [[Fart|Natural gas]]
  +
|-
  +
| [[Corn|Wheat]] || [[Alcohol|Distilled spirits]]
  +
|-
  +
| [[Tree]]s || [[Maple syrup]]
  +
|-
  +
| [[Marijuana|"Quebec gold"]] || [[Pothead|"I forget"]]
  +
|}
  +
  +
;Careers
  +
{{Q|Learned how to skate, 'fore I could eat|The [[Blues Brothers]] singing ''Soul Man'' (Canadian-content version)}}
  +
[[Image:Axeman.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Young Quebecers doing household chores often imagine that they are skating down the ice, set to commit a "high-sticking" penalty.]]
   
===Chibougamau===
 
   
It is not yet confirmed whether this town exists or not. It's been rumoured that some people live somewhere North of ''Lac St-Jean'' and Val-d'Or, yet the [[geography|geographical]] remoteness and the inhumane climate those people would have to endure make this whole allegation more of an urban [[legend]] than a real town. Furthermore, people living in such a place would necessarily be born with a [[Hillbilly|disease]] which would cause them to hate, or fear [[civilization]]. Because nobody is willing to travel up there to verify the presence of human lifeforms, and the hypothetical inhabitants being genetically too shy to come down South, Chibougamau is likely to remain a mystery...
+
Québec's most sought-after [[Work|job]] is to become a professional [[hockey]] player. From a tender age, Quebecer parents pressure their children to excel at this sport. They attend all Junior's matches and teach him, from the stands, the ropes of drinking, insulting the opposition, provoking the referees, and instigating brawls that make urban riots look like ballets. Actually, <u>the</u> most sought-after job is being the third-man-in.
  +
{{-}}
  +
  +
[[File:Bonhommecarnaval.jpg|300px|thumb|''Bonhomme Carnaval'' is a well-known ladies' man.]]
  +
Another glamorous occupation is impersonating the ''Bonhomme Carnaval'' at the Québec Carnival. "B.C." is as outgoing and garrulous as all Quebecers could be, if only they had a full-length costume and a mask as he does. His job is to salute the crowd, perform ridiculous foot-to-hand movements, dodge snowballs and empty beer bottles thrown in bunches by Carnival participants while riding a moving float and wearing a 150-pound costume; all leading up to the climax, when five hundred drunks begin their annual midwinter swim across the St. Lawrence River, hoping not to be swept downriver and out to the sea.
  +
{{-}}
   
 
==Politics/Les Mensonges==
 
==Politics/Les Mensonges==
[[File:Montreal Canadians.jpg|thumb|left|The 2 national pastimes united: hockey and swearing.]]
+
[[File:Montreal Canadians.jpg|thumb|left|The two national pastimes united: hockey and swearing.]]
   
Historically, Québec's most popular [[politics|politician]] was Maurice «[[Rocket]]» Richard of the «Habs» Party. The fact that he was once excluded from the playoffs sparked riots which ultimately led to "''La Révolution Tranquille''". He reigned from [[1940]]-[[1975]], when he was killed by a flying hockey puck. The most extreme Quebecers mourn the pain their messiah endured each year by being nailed to hockey goals, carried to a downtown ice rink in a religious-type procession and then ruthlessly being slapped-shot on by the crowd.
+
Historically, Québec's most popular [[politics|politician]] was Maurice «[[Rocket]]» Richard of the «Habs» Party. One notorious exclusion from the playoffs sparked riots that ultimately led to ''"La Révolution Tranquille."'' He reigned from 1940-1975, when he was killed by a flying hockey puck. Each year, his ''devotés'' mourn the pain their Messiah endured, much like people do in the [[Philippines]] for obscure reasons, by nailing themselves to crossed hockey sticks and being carried to a downtown rink in a religious procession, where the crowd then ruthlessly slap-shots them.
   
Since that time, some other politicians took the throne with mixed results. There has been two major events in "recent" political history: the referendums asking the citizens for the sovereignty of the Motherland.
+
Since then, other politicians have taken the throne, always revolving around one single theme: Québec's uneasy relationship with the remainder of Canada. The results have been mixed but independence has never resulted.
   
 
===1980 Referendum/Référendum de 1980===
 
===1980 Referendum/Référendum de 1980===
[[Rene Levesque|René Lévesque]], a funny [[cigarette butt|chain-smoking]] pygmy, was elected to bear the weight of the power in Quebec's Kingdom. He was however recognized as far more than a likeable living chemney when he had the balls to create Bill 101, a law that would make any English-speaking person within Quebec's territory a [[Tourism|terrorist]]. Furthermore, he held a referendum to ask the population if the incestuous relationship with Canada was beginning to bore them and if they wanted to play solo. A well-known traitor to the Nation, Pierre-Elliot Trudeau ([[fart|Pet]]), promised to re-open the Constitution if Québec voted to remain in Canada and save the ailing marriage. Lévesque was so nervous in the weeks leading to the big poll that he started producing more smoke than a [[dragon]].
+
Once [[Rene Levesque|René Lévesque]] was elected premier of Québec, he became known as more than merely an affable but odd, [[cigarette butt|chain-smoking]] pygmy, when he unveiled Bill 101, which declared the speaking of English anywhere within Québec to be an act of [[terrorist|terrorism]]. Further pursing [[Threat|Homeland Security]], he used a referendum to ask the population if the love affair with Canada was beginning to bore them and if they wanted to play solo.
   
The referendum was ultimately lost for the separatists who were [[pwned|stabbed in the back]] when a "new" Constitution (even worse for Québec than the previous one) was signed by the other provinces after they distracted Lévesque with call girls. This went down in history as "''La Nuit des Longs Couteaux''" ("The Night Québec got screwed"). After dragging himself out of bed the next morning, Quebec's ruler was faced with the accomplished facts. This led the poor René Levesque to the brink of a deep [[depression]], and he fired everybody around him before starting to smoke twice as much, turning out more ashes than an erupting [[volcano]].
+
The referendum failed when [[Prime Minister]] Pierre-Elliot Trudeau (known by the monogram of [[fart|Pet]]), promised to re-open the Constitution if Québec would stick around. The other provinces indeed ratified a "new" Constitution, only slightly less favorable to Québec than the previous one. This stratagem was achieved by distracting Lévesque with call girls, an event now known as ''"La Nuit des Longs Couteaux"'' (literally, "The Night Québec got screwed"). After dragging himself out of bed and seeing the results, Lévesque reacted, primarily by starting to smoke twice as much, churning out more ashes than an erupting [[volcano]].
   
 
===1995 Referendum/Référendum de 1995===
 
===1995 Referendum/Référendum de 1995===
[[File:Jeanchrétienchokes.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien shows his love and appreciation to a separatist Quebecer.]]
+
[[File:Jeanchrétienchokes.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien shows his love and appreciation to a separatist.]]
On October 1995, a slightly obese moustachioed man going by the name Jacques Parizeau rolled the dice again. He had the advantage of being a non-smoker, which meant he was actually able to pronounce his speeches from start to finish without choking, unlike Lévesque. He could also be seen clearly on the TV screen.
+
On October 1995, a slightly obese moustachioed man named Jacques Parizeau rolled the dice again. A non-smoker, unlike Lévesque, Parizeau was actually able to deliver speeches without any fits of choking nor thick haze of smoke. Otherwise, he could have passed for him.
   
With the strong probability of a sovereigntist's victory on the horizon, the Canadian governement started to panic: they promised a [[Maple syrup]] can and a free Canadian flag in exchange for a "No" vote. They also sent 100 000 crazed fanatics from [[Ontario]] whose job was to attempt desperately to convince Quebecers into remaining a part of Canada; "We love you! We need you! Please don't go!" Quebecers stared at them with a puzzled look; they didn't understand a word they said.
+
Parizeau delivered the message of provincial sovereignty so persuasively that the Canadian governement started to panic. It promised a [[Maple syrup]] can and a free Canadian flag in exchange for a "No" vote. It also sent 100,000 crazed fanatics from [[Ontario]] to beg Québec to stay in the confederacy. Unfortunately, this occurred during a home-and-home match against the Maple Leafs and their message was largely lost.
   
Panicking more than ever, Canada's Prime Minister Jean Chrétien gave it all the national GDP could withstand and bonified his previous promise by adding 25 coupons for free poutine per citizen if the "No" camp was to be victorious. On the fateful night, Quebecers had to choose between their [[Yes|passion for freedom]] or their love affair with poutine. The result: 49,5% Yes and 50,5% No. Civil war immediately erupted, shop windows were smashed, there is even reports about half-full beer bottles being thrown. Jean Chrétien then honored his offer and compensated the costs via [[thief|tax increases for Québec exclusively.]]
+
But Prime Minister Jean Chrétien upped the ante by promising 25 coupons for free poutine per citizen if the "No" camp prevailed. Caught between their passion for independence and their [[addiction]] to poutine, the vote was 49.5% for independence and 50.5% for staying in the union. Riots erupted, shop windows were smashed, and beer bottles were thrown, but the damage was minimized as they had not been full. Chrétien kept his promise, paid for by [[tax]] increases [[Revenge|directed]] at Québec.
   
{{Q|We've been beaten. By whom? The rich and the English!?|Jacques Parizeau| the truth about the 1995 Referendum}}
+
===Bill 101/Loi 101===
  +
Lévesque is gone except for the faint whiff of tobacco smoke, Trudeau is reduced to cranking out Doonesbury [[comics]], but Bill 101 lives on. Like [[deaf]] parents who opt for surgery so their newborn will fit into the Disabled Community, Québec's legal requirement that all business and all signage be in its quaint [[AAAAAAAA|replica]] of French has induced English speakers, and English teachers, to move to other provinces. English is now taught in the province by Frenchmen, which has transformed Québec from a member of the bilingual federation where people speak French and sometimes English—into a place where people speak French and sometimes '''bad''' English. As Québec French is something in which the rest of North America does not want to do business, as France doesn't either, the province is now the world's proudest linguistic leper colony.
   
==Québec-France relationships/Relations Québec-France==
+
==See also/Voir aussi==
[[Image:Axeman.jpg|thumb|left|300px|Typical Quebecer earning his living.]]
+
* [[Montreal]]
  +
* [[Quebec City]]
  +
* [[Ottawa]]
  +
* [[Sherbrooke]]
  +
* [[Canada|<s>Canada</s>]]
   
Québec always had a love-hate relationship with their European cousins. Some argue that it is because France discarded Quebec like an old sock when things got intense during the New France's wars. Others say there is resentment in France since Québec has a limited French wine importation because quebecers would rather get drunk with their own booze.
+
{{FA|date=31 July 2011|revision=5238918}}
 
===How [[France|Frenchies]] see Quebecers/Comment les français trouvent les québécois===
 
*They believe Quebecers are a bunch of funny hillbillies that make a living from hunting and fur trading.
 
*They really think Québec's artists who export their craft over the pond are fleeing constant moose and bear attacks. The aforementionned artists' obvious goal is to take the Frenchies' [[Euro]]s while trying not to catch the local accent (or fleas for that matter).
 
*Upon their arrival in "''la Belle Province''", France's tourists always spark off a laugh [[RollerCoaster Tycoon 3|rollercoaster]] thanks to the 2 rifles and trapper gear they are sporting.
 
 
===How Quebecers see Frenchies/Comment les québécois trouvent les français===
 
*Incredibly annoying accent.
 
*They consider them to be pretentious, snooty narcissists who would do anything to put forth their own self to the detriment of other, more deserving individuals than their self-centered, egotistical person.
 
*They like them anyway.
 
 
==Economy/Économie==
 
[[File:Bonhommecarnaval.jpg|350px|thumb|''Bonhomme Carnaval'' is a well-known ladies' man]]
 
 
The economy is pretty diversified, with of course a strong emphasis on various agricultural productions:
 
#Potato--->End product: [[Poutine]]
 
#Beans---->End product: [[Farting contest|Farts]]
 
#Wheat---->End product: [[Alcohol|Booze]]
 
#Pot------>End product: [[Pothead]]
 
#Trees---->End product: [[Maple syrup]]
 
 
Québec's most sought after [[job]] is without a shadow of a doubt becoming a professional [[hockey]] player. From a tender age, pressure is bestowed upon the children to perform at this sport while the parents are drinking in the stands, insulting their children's opposite team and teammates and fighting one another in brawls that make a riot look like ''ballet''.
 
 
Another glamorous occupation is impersonating the ''Bonhomme Carnaval'' at the Québec Carnival. His main job consists in saluting the crowd, performing [[ridiculous]] foot-to-hand movements and dodging snowballs and empty beer bottles thrown in bunches by Carnival participants ''while'' riding a moving float ''and'' wearing a 150 pounds costume. Hardcore athletes only.
 
 
A sample of more traditional [[Career implant chip|career]]s include lumberjack/lumberjill, maple syrup producer, and beret-maker.
 
 
In conclusion, Quebecers will welcome English speaking people with open arms! (as long as they keep their return ticket.)
 
 
 
 
{{Canada}}
 
{{Canada}}
 
{{France}}
 
{{France}}
 
   
 
[[Category:Places that think they are countries]]
 
[[Category:Places that think they are countries]]
 
[[Category:Greatest Places on Earth]]
 
[[Category:Greatest Places on Earth]]
 
[[Category:Provinces and territories of Canada]]
 
[[Category:Provinces and territories of Canada]]
  +
[[Category:Québec]]
   
 
[[fr:Québec]]
 
[[fr:Québec]]

Latest revision as of 15:33, August 1, 2012

Quebecsnow

Quebecers are friendly and hard workers.

“Vive le Québec... Vive le Québec LIBRE!”
~ Charles de Gaulle, shouting at thousands of half-drunk, raging Quebecers
“The problem with Québec is that it is full of Quebecers”
~ P.-E. Trudeau, in a moment of self-doubt with his analyst

Québec (pronounciation /kəˈbɛk/ or /kwɪˈbɛk/), is a province in Eastern Canada whose population always had a rebellious attitude. Ever since the English conquered them in 1759 (because the Natives' tobacco made them cough and vomit during key battles), they see themselves as a distinct society, thanks to their affectation of being the only North Americans outside Ivy-League universities to mostly speak French. In fact, Québec sports a lot of outstanding traits. For example, it is the sole location in the world where you need to actually speak to someone before you know if you are going to be a racist towards him.

Quebecers are proudly defined by the province's system of free health care. And it's too bad about your father, but if he thought he really needed a lithotripter, he could always have traveled to British Columbia or claimed to be a dog.

Je m'oublie

The province's license plates contain the motto that celebrates the history of smoking Québec Gold.

Most Quebecers are opposed to the Afghan war, unlike their counterparts elsewhere in Canada. They are, however, quite favorable to camel imports from said country. They don't smoke Camels, though, as the pot produced in Québec is a source of national pride (Québec Gold). A single puff will make you laugh at a light pole for hours.

edit History/La Fantastique épopée

edit First contact/Premier contact

Amerindian

The pioneers were greeted by Chief Itchy Scalp, modeling his new Côte-de-Liesse (Coat of Lice)

In 1534, Jacques Cartier naturally took the Macdonald-Cartier Freeway all the way to the Gaspé peninsula and planted a cross there. He quickly came to understand the place name as the party was greeted by (gaspe!) a flock of arrows shot by the Natives, who understand what happens to a neighborhood when swells in foppish dress start to arrive. But Cartier won them over by offering them mirrors, trinkets, and microbes, a technique that would prove successful for buying off brave warriors up and down the coast. The Natives felt guilty for their harsh welcome earlier and showered the explorers with beaver and bear furs. Cartier's men, for their part, got rid of the ruffles, put on the furs, and developed what the Natives called "street cred," even though, upon their return to Europe, they were thus mistaken for fierce animals and almost shot on sight.

edit Québec City founded/Ville de Québec fondée

In 1608, Champlain founded Québec City. He received another welcoming shower of beaver and bear furs, but was compelled to winter there by a particularly compelling beaver. When he and his crew were plagued by a new illness—the scurvy—the Natives' herbal lore came to the rescue. After smoking the said herb with a calumet, the men were better than cured, and the coincidental sight of little pink elephants was not displeasing at all. They set sail for home in the spring with a great load of the herb on board. Champlain and his remaining crew got lost numerous times on the way back to Europe, often sailing in circles and once returning to Québec (a mistake that they put to profit by replenishing their herb stock). An impromptu side trip to Maya let them hoard crates of chocolate, with which to fight the Munchies. The mere fact that they reached Europe safely is now referred to with veneration as the "Miracle on Ice."

The King of France (Le king de France) sent his most beautiful and healthiest concubines—the fabled Filles du Roi—so that the settlers might produce the mightiest offspring possible, to endure the harsh conditions of the new land. This accounts for the amazingly healthy curves of modern-day Quebec women, while their rebellious attitude derives from the fact that many of the male ancestors were prisoners in France who were presented with two choices: either go and settle New France or rot in jail. Tough choice indeed.

edit The British victory/La crosse britannique

Fillesduroi

At a pageant, the Filles du Roi continue the Natives' hospitable tradition of regaling visitors with beaver and bear furs. (There are no bear furs in this photograph.)

In 1759, the British Army began to fancy liberating the land that the Quebecers had previously liberated from the Natives. General Wolfe urged his French adversaries to surrender and leave. Montcalm, the leader of la Resistance, surprised no one more than himself (except every French historian since then), by famously retorting:

“I'll answer you by my cannons' mouths!”
~ Montcalm, exhibiting great self-confidence

The battle raged on for days when, in a surprising turn of events, the cannons' mouths all stopped shouting, due to the unexpected end of the supply of cannonballs. After a brief period of frenzied warfare using bowling balls, which also ran out, Montcalm—bitter, demoralized, and dead—conceded defeat.

Since that time, the English have tried everything to push the Quebecers into taking up English: subtle disapproval, mass deportations, and playing Céline Dion's songs in the cities at night. Sadly, some 250 years later, success is still somewhere around the next bend, as the stubborn Quebecers still speak La Langue de Audjjourdjj'hui.

edit The Patriots/Les Patriotes

In 1838, in what is still the most heroic act to grace the land, an uprising orchestrated by Les so-called Patriotes led to the adoption of a Declaration of Independence that guaranteed the exploited French equal rights—and affordable poutine. Papineau led his renegades to an overwhelming victory in the famous "The Battle of Saint-Denis." Armed with pitchforks and slingshots against rifles and cannons, they held their positions until the British finally stormed the mosh pit, outnumbering them 246 to one. The British cruelly set ablaze the church of St-Eustache where the last Patriots were hiding, turning them into crispened martyrs and establishing overcooked meat rescued with a dash of store-brand barbecue sauce as the regional breakfast. All that remains of this national landmark is the underground catacombs—the so-called Eustachian Tubes. Quebecers will never forget the Patriots, unless of course there's a good sitcom on TV tonight.

edit Notorious cities in Québec/Célèbres patelins du Québec

The major cities of Québec began as simple lumber camps and bunches of hunting shacks, and strive to retain their historical character.

edit Montreal/Montréal

Polarbear

Bears chillin' in a Montreal park

Main article: Montreal

The largest French-speaking city outside Paris, Montreal was named after the solid waste disposal area in the center of the island, euphemistically called "Mount Royal". The city's inhabitants are called Montréalais (literally: "Heirs of the Great Flying Moose"). One of the city's greatest attractions is the Oratoire Saint-Joseph, a religious landmark where vendors will sell you the authentic Shroud of Turin for a mere $200. (Two for $350!)

Montreal is the home of the Big Owe (in French, le "gros bol de toilette"), a baseball stadium that is now as useful as a refrigerator in Antarctica, except that it would be inaccessible due to ice in the opposite months. It was home to the financial disaster known as the 1976 Summer Olympics, followed by the financial disaster known as the Montreal Expos. An attempt by city workers to search underneath the concrete foundation for sinkholes that might have been swallowing the revenues was ineffective. The Expos became the Nationals, but unfortunately of a somewhat sunnier nation. The stadium now hosts the annual North American horseshoe-throwing contest. The building is quickly decaying to rubble, though there are hopes that the municipal union will soon determine whose job it is to maintain it.

In 2008, Formula One pulled out of Montreal because gigantic potholes were more than the drivers bargained for. Because of this, the only slalom sport remaining in the city limits is pedestrians swerving around hobos on the East side before the hobos can pick their pockets. This is also an endurance sport, as competitors who swoon before completing the course will awaken stripped of their possessions and clothes. (Though walking around naked is de rigueur in the evening in clubs on Stuart Street, most of us want to see qualified professionals do it, and not you.)

Key Montreal exports include smoked meat, beer and hockey players. Imports mostly include bottle openers, flip-flops and, alas, Englishmen.

Did you know? ...that there are more pedestrians hit by cars on the Island of Montreal than anywhere else in the province? Many of the city's drivers seem to view the walkers as balls in a pinball machine, and their cars as the flippers.

Quebecsmile

Quebecer's face when an American, Asian or European tourist asks him for directions. He'll happily help!

Quebecneutral

Quebecer's face when an English-Canadian tourist asks him for directions. He'll pretend he doesn't understand English or send him the opposite way.

Quebecangry

Quebecer's face when you tell him you've been in Québec for 2 years and still don't speak French. RUN!

edit Quebec City/Ville de Québec

Main article: Quebec City

The oldest city in North America (founded 1608), Québec City is known as "La Vieille Capitale" (The Old Hag). The architecture and cuisine remind visitors of Europe without smelly people. The chilly temperatures are compensated for by the women, who are so hot that they keep the city virtually snow-free, though they sometimes cause flooding in the dead of winter.

The city is also known for its narrow, awkward roads which mostly run vertically, as the place was built with walled fortifications by Montcalm to repel the English. You'll need a V12, 1000 hp engine to climb some of the National Capital's steepest streets—and a parachute for the return trip.

The only industries are "la function publique" (as nearly all the population is employed in the bureaucracy) and tourism. The latter is a necessary evil, as the locals have to endure the English-Canadians who keep invading every year. Quebecers smile, take their cash, and laugh at them only after they leave.

In 2008, the citizens of Québec City invested gobs of tax dollars to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the glorious Motherland. During this year of celebrations, the city's mayor (a dictator with a notorious, posthumous man-crush on Napoleon) kidnapped Sir Paul McCartney and forced him to sing in the middle of a grassy field, thus attracting half of the entire province's population.

Did you know? ...that there is a city law protecting poutine? There is a violation charge of $200 for anybody that wastes poutine or expresses a mild dislike for it. A second offence will get you deported at best. The worst (but plausible) scenario is that you'll never make it out of the restaurant alive.

edit Ottawa-Gatineau

Main article: Ottawa

Ottawa is basically an abandoned lumber camp. It has some pretty historic buildings and reportedly hosts a few important meetings. However, Ottawa is not in Québec, but Gatineau is.

Gatineau has equally historic paper mills, as Scott Paper and Domtar compete for access to the nation's bottoms. It has such seamless planning and zoning that the visitor gets the impression that there are no gas stations or convenience stores at all. This is not always what you want.

Gatineau is lousy with English-speaking employees of the Canadian government. They are on-site to detect any hints of rebellion. They never do, thanks to the innate ability of a Quebecer to sniff a phony a mile away.

Remarkably, asking any resident of Gatineau for directions to the national capital does not induce him to simply point across the river but to draw detailed directions—to Québec City. Who says practical jokes are out of fashion?

edit Sherbrooke

Main article: Sherbrooke

Sherbrooke, also known as Shrekbrooke as it is situated in the middle of a fantasy land called the "Eastern townships," is a way for Quebecers to nestle up near the warmth of the United States, and sometimes to sneak in a few furtive phrases of English. Sherbrooke has an International Airport with everything the traveler would want, except scheduled service to anywhere. There is no train service, either, but buses run to several large Quebec cities for that occasional shopping trip.

edit Chicoutimi

New Wyatt Junction Bridge

The Chicoutimi bridge also serves as a huge radio antenna to help Canada detect extraterrestrial life that may help it solve the "budget impasse."

On the Saguenay River near Lac St-Jean, near the home of the chocolate-covered blueberry, Chicoutimi is the proud home of the world's only aluminium bridge. The bridge is lightweight and requires no maintenance, as aluminum's huge thermal expansion is worked around by making the riverbanks change locations, occasionally moving to the other side of the downtown. The bridge is a hallmark of environmentally correct engineering, except for the annoying fact that it took Quebec's entire electricity production for six years to produce the aluminum.

The bridge facilitates mind-control experiments on the population, as it creates an electromagnetic field that penetrates the sturdiest of tinfoil hats. One of the first thoughts implanted in the minds of the inhabitants is that only one Saguenay blueberry is required to make a whole pie. This does not mean it isn't true, though, as mutant blueberries are another effect of the bridge.

Saguenay pyramid

Saguenay's Ha! Ha! pyramid, which commemorates the local sense of humor, is pictured on the reverse of the U.S. dollar bill, though unfortunately after vandals scrawled an eyeball on one side.

Chicoutimi is an example of "municipal amalgamation" in Quebec, in which redrawing boundaries takes the place of providing municipal services. Thus in 1976, it annexed the suburb of Chicoutimi-Nord, whereas in 2002 it met a bigger fish and itself became a minor administrative district of Saguenay. Reportedly, in the next round it will become a single ward of Quebec City, though it may take some time for fire trucks to arrive. Now, when you ask a Quebecer where Chicoutimi is, he will merely glance at your license plate, mutter chez pas, and look away. Chicoutimi, however, remains the seat of the Catholic Diocese of Chicoutimi, as well as the Chicoutimi Sales Region of Hyundai, and of course the Chicoutimi McDonald's.

Did you know? ...that back in the New France days, the Saguenay forts were defended by magically-enhanced snowmen and beavers?

edit Laval

Laval is a large city on an island in the St. Lawrence River, just like Montreal. Only, it isn't Montreal, it's Laval. The island itself is named "Île Jésus," and Jesus! it is settling fast. Laval is known not only for its warm people but for its falling viaducts and buildings.

While the latter tends to claim the lives of the former, in the mean time it lets the former place bets on which piece of the latter is next going to crumble without warning. Last year's winner, Jean Tremblay, successfully predicted the collapse of 2 major bridges, though he would have lost the tie-breaker as he was just a little off about the total casualties (39). Tremblay intends to use the money to get the hell out of Laval before the whole city caves in and becomes a part of the St. Lawrence River.

edit Economy/Économie

Quebecpothole

"Dive! Dive!" GPS units sold in the "crumbling city" must allow for navigation in three dimensions.

The diversified economy of Québec takes substances that Quebecers refer to as "rezources" and produces the following commercial products:

Rezource [sic] End product
Potato Poutine
Beans Natural gas
Wheat Distilled spirits
Trees Maple syrup
"Quebec gold" "I forget"
Careers
“Learned how to skate, 'fore I could eat”
~ The Blues Brothers singing Soul Man (Canadian-content version)
Axeman

Young Quebecers doing household chores often imagine that they are skating down the ice, set to commit a "high-sticking" penalty.


Québec's most sought-after job is to become a professional hockey player. From a tender age, Quebecer parents pressure their children to excel at this sport. They attend all Junior's matches and teach him, from the stands, the ropes of drinking, insulting the opposition, provoking the referees, and instigating brawls that make urban riots look like ballets. Actually, the most sought-after job is being the third-man-in.

Bonhommecarnaval

Bonhomme Carnaval is a well-known ladies' man.

Another glamorous occupation is impersonating the Bonhomme Carnaval at the Québec Carnival. "B.C." is as outgoing and garrulous as all Quebecers could be, if only they had a full-length costume and a mask as he does. His job is to salute the crowd, perform ridiculous foot-to-hand movements, dodge snowballs and empty beer bottles thrown in bunches by Carnival participants while riding a moving float and wearing a 150-pound costume; all leading up to the climax, when five hundred drunks begin their annual midwinter swim across the St. Lawrence River, hoping not to be swept downriver and out to the sea.

edit Politics/Les Mensonges

Montreal Canadians

The two national pastimes united: hockey and swearing.

Historically, Québec's most popular politician was Maurice «Rocket» Richard of the «Habs» Party. One notorious exclusion from the playoffs sparked riots that ultimately led to "La Révolution Tranquille." He reigned from 1940-1975, when he was killed by a flying hockey puck. Each year, his devotés mourn the pain their Messiah endured, much like people do in the Philippines for obscure reasons, by nailing themselves to crossed hockey sticks and being carried to a downtown rink in a religious procession, where the crowd then ruthlessly slap-shots them.

Since then, other politicians have taken the throne, always revolving around one single theme: Québec's uneasy relationship with the remainder of Canada. The results have been mixed but independence has never resulted.

edit 1980 Referendum/Référendum de 1980

Once René Lévesque was elected premier of Québec, he became known as more than merely an affable but odd, chain-smoking pygmy, when he unveiled Bill 101, which declared the speaking of English anywhere within Québec to be an act of terrorism. Further pursing Homeland Security, he used a referendum to ask the population if the love affair with Canada was beginning to bore them and if they wanted to play solo.

The referendum failed when Prime Minister Pierre-Elliot Trudeau (known by the monogram of Pet), promised to re-open the Constitution if Québec would stick around. The other provinces indeed ratified a "new" Constitution, only slightly less favorable to Québec than the previous one. This stratagem was achieved by distracting Lévesque with call girls, an event now known as "La Nuit des Longs Couteaux" (literally, "The Night Québec got screwed"). After dragging himself out of bed and seeing the results, Lévesque reacted, primarily by starting to smoke twice as much, churning out more ashes than an erupting volcano.

edit 1995 Referendum/Référendum de 1995

Jeanchrétienchokes

Former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien shows his love and appreciation to a separatist.

On October 1995, a slightly obese moustachioed man named Jacques Parizeau rolled the dice again. A non-smoker, unlike Lévesque, Parizeau was actually able to deliver speeches without any fits of choking nor thick haze of smoke. Otherwise, he could have passed for him.

Parizeau delivered the message of provincial sovereignty so persuasively that the Canadian governement started to panic. It promised a Maple syrup can and a free Canadian flag in exchange for a "No" vote. It also sent 100,000 crazed fanatics from Ontario to beg Québec to stay in the confederacy. Unfortunately, this occurred during a home-and-home match against the Maple Leafs and their message was largely lost.

But Prime Minister Jean Chrétien upped the ante by promising 25 coupons for free poutine per citizen if the "No" camp prevailed. Caught between their passion for independence and their addiction to poutine, the vote was 49.5% for independence and 50.5% for staying in the union. Riots erupted, shop windows were smashed, and beer bottles were thrown, but the damage was minimized as they had not been full. Chrétien kept his promise, paid for by tax increases directed at Québec.

edit Bill 101/Loi 101

Lévesque is gone except for the faint whiff of tobacco smoke, Trudeau is reduced to cranking out Doonesbury comics, but Bill 101 lives on. Like deaf parents who opt for surgery so their newborn will fit into the Disabled Community, Québec's legal requirement that all business and all signage be in its quaint replica of French has induced English speakers, and English teachers, to move to other provinces. English is now taught in the province by Frenchmen, which has transformed Québec from a member of the bilingual federation where people speak French and sometimes English—into a place where people speak French and sometimes bad English. As Québec French is something in which the rest of North America does not want to do business, as France doesn't either, the province is now the world's proudest linguistic leper colony.

edit See also/Voir aussi

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