Qin Shi Huang

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Qin Shi Huang was a true artist and potter.

Qin Shi Huang (AKA Zhao Zheng or Shi Huangdi and should really pick one) was the king of the Chinese state (kingdom) of Qin from 246 to 221 BC, during the Warring States Period. He snobbishly unified China into a shiny new nation and became the legendary first emperor of the unified land. He ruled into a his unfortunate death at the young age of 49.

He was selfish, calling himself the "First Emperor" and "Chinese Jesus". He was a big figure within Chinese history, ushering in a fresh two millennia of imperial communism. His chief advisor, Li Si (pronounced Lee See, sharp and fast) passed a series of economic, political, and communistic reforms.

All sex jokes aside, he undertook gigantic projects, including building and connecting China's forcefield, the Great Wall of China, (proving he had unusual amounts of free time on his hands) the city-sized playground where he erected his army of Terracotta dolls and made national road system. All was created at the currency of several millions of lives. Nobody currently knows why Qin Shi Huang ensured so-called stability of his erections by burning the books and burying his scholars alive. Numerous archaeologists debate whether it was due to anger management issues, or maybe even perhaps for the sake of it. However it is noted in the Diary of Emperor, where upon Qin Shi Huang wrote "I buried my scholars, burned my stories, all for stability assurance." However, even though being a first hand source, this doesn't solve anything.

Name of Shi Huangdi

Title meaning

From the birth of the the Zhou in 1045 BC to the time of yours truly, rulers were unoriginal and always called themselves Wang, which means "big monster". Many thought that the term and its meaning was quite easily an inappropriate term. After a quick consensus the term's meaning was changed from "big monster" to "chief" or "king". When King Zheng (Qin Shi Huang) unified the country under his own rule, he dubbed himself a title that was shortened to Qin Shi Huang. Under these terms:

  1. The character shi (始) means "I beat you". Thus, the successors to the throne became "I came in second", "I thirded", "May the fourth be with me", and so on.
  2. The term Huangdi (Chinese: 皇帝; Wade–Giles: Huang-ti) comes from the mythical Three Sovereigns and Five Emperors Era, where upon the terms were taken as Huang meant "sovereign" and di meant "emperor". The terms are quite unnecessary as they mean the same thing.
  3. The term Huang also means "shining" and "splendid". We can only assume Qin Shi Huang was a splendid shining man, as his name suggests.

Naming taboo

An ancient Chinese tradition back when Emperors were hip up until the 1900s was a practice called naming taboos. This states when Chinese royalty or evil is used as a name, a factor must be changed within one side of the source. When Zhao Zheng was born in the first month of the year Zhengyue, since his royal highness was better than the likes of the year, a name change had to have taken place. Zhao Zheng was more important than the year, so Zhengyue was changed to Ouchiyue.

King of the Qin State

Teenage years

In 246 BC, when King Zhu-something passed away following a pathetic disgraceful three year reign of ruling China, his heir that succeeded him and would be next to rule and sit on the throne was none only than his 13-year-old little fucker. During this time, Zhao Zheng was still young and sexually active, thus making Loo Booway the regent prime minister of the Holy state (not to be confused with a United State) of Qin, which was currently at war against six other kingdoms, or "states".

Terracotta Army

Okaaaayy... I think he has a little too much passion for art and pottery.

Chengjiao, Lord of Chang'an Rings, was none other than Zhao Zheng's legit half brother from another mother. After Zhao Zheng hopped onto the throne Chengjiao decided to tear the family apart and surrender to the state of Zhao, claiming that it "was unfair". However, this did not matter because Zhao Zheng killed Chengjiao's family.

An attempted coup

As Qin Shi Huang/King Zheng grew older and more wise, Loo Booway became scared that his highness Zheng would discover that Loo Booway was secretly having bloody sex with his mother Zhào Jī, because having sex with the king's mother is no laughing matter. In panic, he decided to keep away from the king and quickly find a replacement for the queen dowager so he wasn't tempted anymore. He found a man by the name of Lao Ai, who was disguised as a eunuch by plucking his hairs from every single part of his body. However, the replacement didn't help. He also had sex with the king's mother and they even had cute little Asian babies.

So Lao Ai became Marquis and literally showered with money, money, money. Loo Booway's actual plot to was to get one of the cute little secret Asian babies to replace King Zheng in favorable means, but Lao Ai couldn't keep his loud mouth shut when he was drunk once, so the whole plot was uncovered.

A price of one million dollhairs was placed on Lao Ai's capture if he was alive. If he was dead it was double the money. Lao Ai's supporters were captured and sent to the dungeon, Lao Ai was was tied up and torn up to five pieces by horse carriages. His entire family instead were executed by being burned over an open fire. Certainly, Qin Shi Huang's ideas of execution were "creative" and "the new yellow".

With the rest of the masterful executions, the Asian babies were eaten, Qin Shi Huang's mother was put under house arrest until she died tragically, and Loo Booway downed some roofies. Replacements were arranged quickly.

Assassination attempt

King Zheng and his crushing troops continued to dominate the different kingdoms. The state of Yan was laughably small, weak, and was harassed by soldiers. (Even their own soldiers) It was obviously no match for the Qin. However, the Qin almost were defeated by the Yan so that was considered pretty weird. However, the Qin did end up getting the better of the Yan and conquered them.


Okay dude... you're starting to creep me out!

However, before the Yan were defeated by the Qin while everyone else was busy committing mass suicide and exchanging goodbyes to one another, Prince Daniel of Yan plotted an assassination to kill King Zheng until he died. However, Prince Daniel was too afraid to carry out the assassination attempt and asked a man by the name of Jingkey to attempt to rid King Zheng off the face of the earth. Jingkey agreed to this one one condition, he received a partner to help. Qin Wuyang was forced into the plot, which consisted of them both presenting a gift to King Zheng. Them being; a map of Dookang and the bloody fresh sliced head of Fan Woojee. Qin Wuyang first tried to give the map case gift to Qin Shi Huang but he frightened like a girl and became frozen on spot. Nothing could move him. Jingkey was manlier and continued to make way to the King Zheng, even using corny lines like "My friend has never set eyes on the Son of Heaven", which was an excuse to why Qin Wuyang was refusing to move. Jingkey was forced to present the two gifts all by himself, as when he looked back Qin Wuyang was already off and long gone, raising suspicions. While unrolling the map, a pistol was revealed. The king drew back on his feet, but struggled to pull out (his sword) to defend his precious body. After multiple rounds were fired, King Zheng's martial arts beat the fire from the pistol, as the gun ran out of ammunition. Surprisingly, everyone failed to realize the first use of a gun and it would not be "discovered" again until later times. However, Zhuge Liang does end up inventing gunpowder as many historians believe. This triggered an "avenge" attempt to assassinate King Zheng by a close friend of Jingkey, but it failed epically also.

Soon the Qin conquered the Yan, as stated above.

The country unifies

With no doubt before the happenings actually occurred, King Zheng quickly stomped upon the other remaining states like little bugs. Excluding the Zhao and the Yan, the first to go (and before the two exclusions) was the Hán, (often called the Hann to distinguish them with the much worthier to be called Han, the Hàn, which was brought down unfortunately by the Three Kingdoms era warriors. Also notice the switch in direction with the accent marks. It is a taboo if you misname them) Wei (also a taboo if you confuse them with the other Wei's in Chinese history) the Chu, (not a taboo if you confuse them with the Jews), and finally the Qi.



The Imperial Seal

To celebrate unification, the Emperor had arranged the forging of the "Imperial Seal" or "Hairless Seal". This seal was sacred and was almost lost by a fat tyrant called Dong Zhuo when he burned the Han capital of Luoyang in 191 CE during his flee from a battle against the Anti-Dong Zhuo Coalition. A popular fictional battle based of the battle which was basically forgotten, the [[Battle of Hulao Pass], states that Sun Jian found the seal while happening to have been taking a stroll through the charcol of the burnt royalty. However, it is not known where Sun Jian found the seal. To what we know, he could have stole the damn thing for. When Sun Jian died when he was receiving death threats from jealous other warlords for hiding the seal, he passed it on to his son Sun Ce. Who exchanged it for men with Yuan Shu. Yuan Shu died and the seal managed to make its way into the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms Period around the 900s AD. There are are three theories on how the seal was lost:

  1. At the collapse of the Later Tang Dynasty, when the last emperor burned himself and maybe the seal along with it. Many disagree and say that this would be way too selfish.
  2. When the Emperor Tyzong of Lee-ow captured the Last Emperor of Jin in the 900s. Many disbeliefs state that this doesn't state anything about the seal. Which it doesn't.
  3. When the Yuan emperors came to their defeat by the Ming, who lazily only took one of the eleven fancy seals of the Yuan. The Seal was announced missing and a problem. When the Ming armies invaded Mongolia (in revenge for their interference with many of ancient Chinese histories such as the Three Kingdoms and the Han Dynasty) the treasures brought there by retreating Yuan royalty were not found in the Ming's booty.

However, the seal is most thought to be lost around the time of the Ming. So many blame them. The Ming and Qing were unlucky and never did have the seal, so they made 25 nifty seals of their own-- for the Emperors' own needs within the Forbidden City, thus reducing the value of the Imperial Seal. Many don't care about these 25 seals, however, and still want to find the missing Imperial Seal that the great Qin Shi Huang crafted with tears, sweat, blood, and time.

As the Emperor

The Great Lavatory

Very clever Shi Huangdi, you sick dog! Always making everyone put a little effort in daily tasks, like a good ruler does.

As the new Emperor of China, he decided to do some things to make him known throughout history. He had the Great Wall invented and also had potters make the Terracotta Army. Some rather questionable things he did consisted of, for example, considering ending the running of one hundred schools in one thought. Luckily, he reconsidered. Another thing he did was as mentioned in the beginning, the burning of the books and the burying of the scholars.

No doubt was Qin Shi Huang a hero and dominance within the human race and a true Chinese hero.

See also

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