Muammar Gaddafi

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“If it wasn't for electricity, we would all be watching TV in the dark.”
~ Gaddafi on electricity
Gaddafi
Gaddafi looking stoically at a bird, contemplating whether or not to have it executed for treason.

Moammar Kadhafi (Arabic: مُعَمَّر ٱلْقَذَّافِيّ) (born 7 June 1942 - died 20 October 2011), known as The Daffy Duck to his friends, was the longest-serving Great President Forever of Libya. Despite being only sixty-nine-years old young he claimed to have been the acting President of Libya for the last seventy, having taken the presidency by force simply walking in and taking it in an effortless 1969 coup.

His long-term political platform had helped to keep Libya in a state of suspended animation, all while acting as the United States' regional marionette. With strong private ties to a wide range of businesspersons and politicians, and with Libya being the 18th largest oil producing country, Gadaffi amassed a fortune (some of it legally) in the tens of billions. Ninety percent of his money was spent on his wardrobe, which was the largest, and therefore gayest, in the world. Unfortunately, all of his Burberry scarves were seized following the 2011 Libyan Civil War.

The Libyan protests in the Arab Spring, which then escalated into a full-blown civil war, ultimately overthrew Gaddafi from power in late 2011. But minus the whole dictator thing, he was a fine man who knew how to have a good time.[1]

Early life

He was spawned from the hairy arse of a camel in a Bedouin tent in the desert near Dirt, Libya in 1942.[citation needed] His family belonged to a small tribe known as Al-Frankhen. The Qaddadfa (ٱلْقَذَّافِيّ, which is Arabic for 'shitcake') are stock herders with holdings in the Hun Oasis, which they stole from the Germans during World War II. His mother, Moussa Qaddafa, was a well-known prostitute, mechanic, and apparently, camel. Gaddafi's paternity remained disputed, though Moussa Gaddafi claimed his father was most likely an "unfortunately-sized Spanish officer named Franco."

He then was subject to many years of rape and beatings at the military academy in Benghazi (now a rebel stronghold), mainly at the hands of an American tutor known only as 'Ronald'. Some argue this may have been the cause of his extreme fondness for corporal punishment and men in leather boots. Others argue that it explained his fondness for rape and beatings.

After his studies in Libya Gaddafi pursued further studies in Europe. The rumors circulating that he studied at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst are entirely true. The Academy denies this as they don't want it to be known that Gaddafi wrote a professional recommendation for Prince Harry to attend there.

Url
Gaddafi took this picture, hoping it'd become an iconic piece of pop-art like Che Guevara's. Unfortunately, Gaddafi banned pop-art in Libya three months before he had this picture taken.

Libyan coup

On 1 September 1969, a small group of junior military officers led by Gaddafi staged a bloodless (except for a painfully scratched knee) coup d'etat against King ShitPiss while he was in Turkey for medical treatment, having needed his scrotum reattached after a troublesome acquisition of some small boys in Morocco. The Libyan people had grown weary of the despotic King and his tyrannic style of rule and wanted to give a chance to a league of despotic colonels and their tyrannic style of rule.

The King's nephew, the Crown Prince Sayyid Al-kyder, had been formally deposed by the revolutionary army officers and was personally forced by Gaddafi to be publicly spanked while wearing a dress. They abolished the monarchy and proclaimed the new Great Libyan Socialist People's Democratic Republic. Only the British sent their condolences to King ShitPiss since he had been their guy in the African theatre of World War II. Nobody else cared.

Moammar Kadhafi in power

After attempting to export his shitty revolution to the Arab countries around him in 1977, Gaddafi decided it would be best to bomb some huts across the border in Egypt. When that failed to elicit a response, he decided it would be a good idea to then order his troops and tanks to drive across the border, which quickly turned into a sandy reenactment of the Battle of France.

Egypt ordered thirty times the amount of troops Gaddafi sent across the border to blitzkrieg into Libya and hang Gaddafi from a lamppost. However, the Jews soon realized that the warring between US-supported dictators could ignite a regional powder keg and strain their ties with Washington. Israel quickly bribed Arab representatives to suck Egypt's dick. With the reluctant support of the Arab League, and Algeria wanting to mediate an armistice agreement, Egypt could place its troops back on its side of the border. It's unclear how they tell where the border is, as the United Nations Security Council declared the area "a desert shithole" in 1976. The "war" lasted three days and was an unsatisfying victory for Egypt.

After this utter failure, Gaddafi decided to instead declare himself the "King of Africa" and promptly invaded Chad to expand his now pan-African ideology to whatever African countries he deemed the least threatening. After over a decade of on and off war, French leaders grew uncomfortable with Gaddafi's flamboyant attire and sent troops to Chad to hang him by a lamppost. In a mockery of the French Army, Gaddafi began appointing only sexy female virgins as his personal bodyguards. In response, the French military obliterated Chad, making it undesirable for Gaddafi and somehow more desirable for the people of Chad.

Having failed to spread his revolution by invasion, Gaddafi adopted a more Western political philosophy and began to murder his own people and blaming others for it. Gaddafi had always said that the one he grudgingly admired about America was its ability to make dissenters vanish properly, and not having their bodies turn up in a hotel room somewhere in Eastern Europe with a shoddy two-tap in the base of the brain and some used kebab wrappings nearby. Understandably, his antics have attracted popular musicians and artists such as Wham!, Barry Manilow, and Boy George, who regularly visit Libya and perform at Gaddafi's Nuremburg-like military parades. In 2011 the conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart released the following footage of typical performances at one of Gaddafi's private parties:

TONETTA GADHAFI(02:28)
Muammar Gaddafi - Zenga Zenga Song - Noy Alooshe Remix(02:02)
Brotherleader
Gaddafi, attending a public hanging in 2009, tells journalists that he finds polo shirts to be comfortable so long as the collar doesn't fit too snugly around the neck.

Lockerbie bombing

In Lockerbie, Scotland, 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 had asplode, killing all 243 passengers, 16 crew members, and 40 mentally disabled persons as it crashed at a city council meeting in Lockerbie. Gaddafi had secretly ordered and financially supported the bombing and opposed the trying of Libyan nationals. One trial led to the prison gang raping, and eventual release after pretending to have cancer, of perpetrator Abdelbaset al-Megrahi. After the bombing, Gaddafi stated that he was now "uncomfortable with ... if not afraid of ... flying." This fear has since alleviated, as Gaddafi stated he was "not afraid to fly, and no else should be either" on September 14th, 2001.

For most of the 1990s, Libya was under economic and diplomatic sanctions which limited the number of Madonna records which could be exported to his country. One of the reasons for this was Gaddafi's refusal to allow the extradition to the United States or Britain of two Libyans accused of conspiring in the attack. At first, Gaddafi has promised he would extradite the men. He later retracted the statement and confessed that he halfheartedly told this to then US Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney after drunk-dialing him at four in the morning. He expressed his refusal to diplomats by calling them while intoxicated at four in the morning and cursing at them. Nelson Mandela eventually approached Gaddafi in 1997 at a mutually favored Johannesburg strip club and persuaded him to allow the extradition.

2011 Civil War

In early 2011, Al-Qaeda thought it would be a good idea to send some troublemakers to "rebel" a bit and give people psychoactive, brainwashing drugs. According to Moammar Kadhafi, these efforts were supported by the United States, N.A.T.O., the U.N., Israel, and The Red Cross. The amount of drugs given to normal, Gaddafi-loving people was enormous, as half the country fell to drug-crazed protesters overnight. Anti-Gaddafi protesters, high on drugs and led by Al-Qaeda, eventually broke into armories and declared "AYY KAY FORTEE SEFFEN FOR EFFERYBUDDY!!!" in typical Muslim fashion, at which point Gaddafi met his supporters and dictated that they take arms.

Lybia2
Anti-Gaddafi protesters used this flag. Very badass.

Libya's fabulous leader stifled the rebellion in less than a week until the U.N., seeing its plan failing, decided to lobby Protocol 1973, known as "Resolution: Let’s Bomb The Shit Out Of Libya And Overthrow Gaddafi By Helping Our Drugged, Batshit Crazy Rebel Minions." A no-fly zone was immediately established over Libya.[2] Gaddafi thought himself to have gained the underhand by having a pathetic air force to begin with, which made up only 20% of his military forces. The Libyan Air Force was also notorious for its embarrassing fratricide rates, suggesting that Libyan pilots cannot afford radios, radar systems, or glasses. In an attempt at propaganda on Libyan television, Gaddafi stood before news cameras and pointed to "Libyan fighter jets" flying over Tripoli. The fighter jets were later identified as US Tomahawk missiles.

With his air force obliterated, Gaddafi then focused on using his army to wrestle control of Eastern Libya from the rebels. The civil war was then in a stalemate, as both sides were equally incompetent and therefore unable to destroy each other. Despite strong international pressure for him to stop publicly spanking POWs, Gaddafi vehemently vowed to continue spanking the asses of rebel scum.

By Aug. 20th, Libyan rebels had reached Tripoli and arrested one of Gadaffi's sons and the head of his personal security detail, forcing Gaddafi to flee Libya. He then went off to hide in Abbtobad, Pakistan, reasoning that he could probably avoid detection from the US military there for at least a decade. However, evidently something went wrong with his flight plans and Gaddafi ended up in his home town, shot dead for the benefit of YouTube. He was reportedly sodomized with a bayonet prior to death, much to his own enjoyment.[3]

Qaddafi-crop
Colonel Moammar Kadhafi, saluting a camera.

Personal life

Gaddafi did openly state since 1958, "I'm pretty sure I'm gay", and still holds the Guinness World Record for longest-serving gay dictator at 69 years, 11 months and 4 seconds. Gaddafi was so gay that in 1999 he proposed changing the Libyan flag's colors from red, black, green, and white to all of them. This was rejected by the United Nations because the rainbow flag was already the war flag of Quebec.

Moammar Kadhafi never married because he made gay marriage illegal in Libya in 1972. He stated on his Facebook that his favorite alcoholic beverage was "never enough",[4] and his favorite television show was The Tyra Banks Show.

He also owned several properties in and outside of Libya, including several mansions and a Chuck E. Cheese in Clearwater, Michigan.

Beliefs

Gaddafi was a gifted orator, and has no difficulty with clearly expressing his beliefs. Gaddafi often criticized American culture, having on more than one occasion stated that Bo Bice, not Carrie Underwood, should have won the fourth season of American Idol. His disgust with both season four and democracy made him vow to never watch another episode again.

He had also advocated AIDS acceptance, particularly with his unpopular belief that HIV is "a peaceful virus, not an aggressive virus." At the 2003 African Union summit, Gaddafi quelled some fears among heterosexuals in Libya and abroad by informing them that "If you are straight you have nothing to fear from AIDS." When asked if he is afraid of contracting HIV because he is gay, Gaddafi said, "At this point, I can only advise to all fellow submissive bottoms out there: always put condoms over broom handles before using them. That is all I can say on this matter."

When not talking about American Idol or AIDS, Gaddafi enjoyed talking about his well-thought out economic policy. The wealth disparity between Gaddafi and his people could only be achieved by creating a socialist welfare state, which Gaddafi aimed to keep stagnant until Libya runs out of oil. Gaddafi promised not to cash his 401K until that happens.

On the matter of religion, Gaddafi was a Muslim of the Sunni faith, and was a registered member of the Islamic Mosque of Latter Day Terrorists. Like a good Muslim, Gaddafi visited Mecca often, prayed religiously, and adored Keynesian economics.

Sources

See also

People whose names rhyme with "Gaddafi"

Citations

  1. From TMZ, "Gaddafi throws crazy Ramadan kegger at Karachi nightclub", circa 2010.
  2. Led by the French who were already fond of bombing him.
  3. Seriously.
  4. Which I think is a brand of wine coolers.

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