Python (programming language)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Python (programming language).

Python, also known as compilable pseudocode, is a toy programming language notable for its lack of tail recursion, which makes it completely useless for any real world software which is primarily written in Lisp. It emphasizes programmer efficiency over runtime efficiency which makes it unsuitable to run on modern computers like the Commodore 64. Python is near as awfull as C#, being roughly equally so popular (see Tiobe index).


Python was developed by El Guido del Rosario at the University of Schlonkgingenderhoffderwess in order to catalogue El Guido's personal collection of Dutch cheeses. It was named after famous English writer Montague Python Shakespeare, whose iambic pentameter poetry inspired the language's syntax. Other researchers eventually realized that El Guido's pet language Python was a lot better than the language they were developing, ABC, and kicked El Guido out for being a general smartypants and "taking the piss."

Dejected, El Guido almost gave up on the language until a strange, foul smelling Japanese researcher named matz encouraged him to continue. matz' motives were not pure, however, for as soon as Python released a stable version matz stole the code, added a bunch of question marks, and called the new language Ruby.

El Guido continued to develop his language while working for upscale soap manufacturer Zoape. Moving vats of boiling lye and animal fat by day, and coding long into the night, El Guido finally got his language working well enough that one or two newsgroup trolls noticed it. El Guido knew the language was going places when the complaints started. He eventually was dubbed BDFL (Bloodthirsty Dictator For Life) by newsgroup trolls who used Python to code Slashdot hacking scripts.

El Guido currently works for and spends 50% of his time developing Python, the other 50% hauling loads of fresh produce up to Bill Gates' mansion.

Getting started

In fact, it's very easy, REALLY very very easy to start programming in Python. Here are the steps:

1. Download ~30 MB installer of the latest version from Python's official website.[1]

2. Realize that you need some more libraries, download ~10 MB GTK installer, PyGTK, etc.

3. Fry few eggs.

4. Realize that PyGTK requires earlier version of Python, go back to download site, download that version (another chunk of 30 MB).

5. Download more and more libraries, BTW downgrading your Python version step by step, until... you understand Micro$oft Window$ is so insuFREAKINGfficient for your tasks!

6. Install Microsoft Visual.NET Studio 2015 President Edition with .NET framework and some managed cheerless crap addons code (~100 GB, and moar AND MOAR!).

7. Try to install IronPython so you can write less lines because there are no brackets, but runs 1.7e+5 slower compared to Brainfuck.

8. Install Linux or something X like, download Linux versions of all that stuff.[2]

9. ??????


11. Migrate to Lua.


Python is notable for its use of indentation which confuses the lay man but is actually quite logical. In particular, an indent of three spaces represents an 'if' block, and five spaces represents a 'for' loop-- provided there are no tabs in the file in which case one tab is the 'if' block and the 'for' loop is 1/2 tab.

def do_some_python():
 if your_mum:
    for person in your_mum.who_did_her?():
         if person is self:
            print "I did your mum!"
            print idiot!

I would like to point out that to print the line "idiot!" you would need to either remove the exclamation mark and previously declare it as a variable or enclose it in quotation marks.

One also notes that semicolons are absent. In fact, developers can use semicolons but use is discouraged because every semicolon adds a 0.5 second delay to the code. The reasons for this are esoteric, but El Guido assures us they are useful.

Python is also well known for its standard library which has a function for everything you can imagine. El Guido has lately taken to saying "we've got a function for that" when confronted with any programming question. Unfortunately, controversy over the deprecation of gopherlib-- which led to a violent riot at PyCon 2009-- underscores the fragility and frustration with the standard library's mutant growth and the fact that anyone can add code to it whenever they want.

Real-life code example

Here is a simple example useful IRL as an evil tool to kill everyone MP3-player.

import ao
import mad
MyDevice = ao.AudioDevice('triPod')
MyFile = mad.MadFile('Destroy humanity.mp3')
while (MyFile.current_time() < MyFile.total_time()):


One major problem with Python is its dependence on The GIL-- a nasty little homonculous that lives in every Python program. The GIL's supreme arrogance (demanding capitalization of his name and the prefix 'The') represents a challenge to every programmer. The GIL's arrogance extends to ensuring that there is only one GIL-- himself-- in the system at any given time. This means that Python threads suck and your eight-core Mac Pro won't run Python any better than an Atari 800XL.

Recent research has looked at removing The GIL but work is slow because GIL cries like a whiny girl and eventually is put back in the system when the developers get tired of his tantrum. Nobody has the guts to slap The GIL upside the head except El Guido but lately he's been too drunk to care, mumbling at The GIL "you're the reason daddy drinks."


  1. Non-Windows users may skip these steps and go directly to step 8.
  2. We would recommend you to spend a very little bit of time and money and download 5 now even 8 DVD images of Debian distro.
  3. OK, I'll tell you why. The 99% probability of your fail is that you forgot to do the step 3 properly - it's the most essential part of the process, because fried albumine contained in omelette stimulates your brains to find the way how to put that fucking DRM on your source-based program so that it could not be opened and would run only under EULA after the user gets the serial number and activa... OH SHI~!



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