Pwntang

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Pwn

A poster concerning pwntang addiction, featuring Oscar Wilde.

“I can't wait for my first shore-leave so I can get myself some fucking Pwntang”
~ Mr Garrison on pwning enemy soldiers in war

Pwntang (not to be confused with Poontang) is a Class A Drug made from the juice of pure pwnage. Pwntang is the most addictive drug known to man, which the army use to their advantage.

edit Brewing pwntang

Pwntang is a chemical that is made naturally in the brains of soldiers. When soldiers pwn someone, a little bit of pwntang is made and stored in a small pouch at the back of their brain. Then, when the soldiers get their next shore-leave and have sex with a girl, the pwntang is released from the pouch and gives the soldier an intense orgasm. However, pwntang is highly addictive and so encourages soldiers to pwn more enemy soldiers to get a bigger rush. Side effects of pwntang addiction include, but are not limited to:

  • buddy fetishes
  • Intense psychedelic hallucinations involving staplers, cream buns and a buddy.
  • Genuinely enjoying the music of Scooter.
  • Obsession with Naruto
  • Nausea, vomiting and explosive diarrhea.
  • Fucking, skinning, eating and fracking rabbits.

edit The dangers of pwntang

Because of the highly addictive properties of pwntang, soldiers are absolutely distraught when their service is up. So they sign up for the army again. And again. And again.

Army veteran Oscar Wilde was once so addicted to pwntang that he signed up to the army over 500 times and pwned over 9,000,000 enemy soldiers. When the army said he couldn't sign up to the army again, withdrawal symptoms soon set in and he was reduced to pwning innocent strangers and then raping them just to feed his addiction.

edit Illegal pwntang

Because this was happening to many soldiers, an illegal variant of pwntang popped up, as with everything else that is enjoyable. This is made by setting up fake armies, often referred to as "pwntang farms" as the inhabitants needlessly butcher things that have no feelings and/or have no way of defending themselves. This done by setting up a base camp in a baron wasteland somewhere and throwing your mom in front of the soldiers in the attire of an enemy soldier. The addicts will murder the bitch and then are gassed and taken to a lab where the pwntang is extracted from their brains. The pwntang is then sold on the streets in the form of a powder which can be smoked, snorted, licked, huffed or dissolved into water and injected straight into your motherfucking veins. It is often supplied by Rico on 33rd street.


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