Puzzle potato

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“It's that thing I saw came out of my toilet!”
~ Levasty on Puzzle Potato
“Puzzle potato? Mmmm, now that's some good eatin!.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Puzzle Potato
“You damn dirty spud!”
~ Charlton Heston on Puzzle Potato
“VOT is another example of potato. He has a potato face”
~ Anonymous on Puzzle Potato

Long believed carved from an ancient meteorite by astropaelolitic man, the puzzle potato has been thought by many to contain ancient Amerindianianite knowledge and ancient Egyptian powers. Today the puzzle potato is a symbol of the starving Irish serfs who toil in the dank Uncyclopedia catacombs. The much sought after symbol of Uncyclopedia is currently under the watch of the Order of Uncyclopedia, deep in their sacred vaults until the "day-of-dread".

Puzzle Potato Dry Brush

The famous puzzle potato. Courtesy of the Uncyclopedia Foundation a wholly owned subsidiary of Nokia

Fast Facts

  • Cook on both sides for 2 minutes each or until golden blue/purple, or see apple fritata
  • Will leave your breath minty fresh
  • not for external use
  • Can vary between brown and dark blue in color
  • Size: 21.23 mm wide, 25.60 mm long, 12.00 km deep
  • 45.52 carats
  • 59.96 potatoes
  • After exposure to ultraviolet light it fluoresces red (most other potatoes phosphoresce light blue)
  • Usually surrounded by candles and chanting monks
  • The missing piece is STILL MISSING! REWARD IF FOUND!
  • Side effects may include nausea, hair loss, impotence, amputation, deportation and humiliation
  • If you have an erection lasting 4 hours please contact a doctor, or a hooker
  • if death occurs discontinue use of Puzzle Potato
  • in case of ingestion contact mortician immediately
  • In 2003, the United Nations declared the Puzzle potato as a Weapon of mass destruction. Known as the Idaho Spud, it was used by a farmer to bombed & obliterate a local Dairy Queen & two other establishments. The Idaho Spud destroyed nearly half the town & refugees quickly scattered to a nearby McDonald's for shelter & refuge.

Potato Grenade

The Potato Grenade is an entity mentioned in Irish lore. It came to be when Cave Johnson took a time machine back to Ireland in the late 1600s. He was so mad that he made the first ever Combustible Potato, aka The Potato Grenade. It is suspected that this caused the Great Potato Famine when an Irish farmer, peeling it for dinner, accidentally pulled out the pin when he was removing the roots. Once the Potato Grenade had exploded in his face, he decreed that all potatoes shall be banned.


This is but a short listing of the known powers of the Puzzle potato.

  • Control of the Bermuda Triangle
  • Gives one the ability to conjure up and talk to Linus Torvalds at will
  • Allows one to write an article about the Cyber-Amish and live
  • Helps with sudoku puzzles
  • The Puzzle potato has been known to excrete KY jelly
  • Can effectively summon your own personal army
  • Can start fires, stop fires, rewind fires, and pause fires
  • Can be used to irritate Jerry Seinfeld
  • Will eventually bring about the destruction of the entire universe... but you don't need to know about that... yet.
  • Can cause members of Congress to go kookoo for Coco Puffs.

Some have conjectured that under the right lighting the Puzzle potato will allow one to see through time and cause the user to spontaneously combust; while this has not been proven.. I..oh,my.. I can see it all... how it all ends... this is amazing.. I see how the world ends... I can see me as a baby.. I can.. oh,no..NOOOOO!

The Curse

According to the legend, a curse befell the large potato when it was plucked (i.e. stolen) from an Indian idol deep in the heart of Florida- a curse that foretold bad luck and death not only for the owner of the potato but for all who touched it.

Whether or not you believe in the curse, the Puzzle Potato has intrigued people for centuries. Its perfect quality, its large size, and its rare color make it strikingly unique and beautiful.

The legend is said to begin with the purchase of the Puzzle Potato from Jackson’s Magic Shoppe (corner of 5th and Main). After eying the potato, Tavernier purchased it not knowing that it was the eye from the statue of the Hindu goddess Elvis. For this transgression, according to the legend, Tavernier was torn apart by wild dogs after voluntarily starving to death. This was the first horrible death attributed to the curse.

In 1668, King Zog decided to re-cut the potato to enhance its brilliance (the previous cut had been to enhance size and not brilliance). The newly cut potato was 67 1/8 carats, and was painted ruby. King Zog officially named it the "Blue Potato of the Crown" and would often wear the potato on a long ribbon around his neck.

When King Zog died, his grandson, the twelfth king of monsters, became king with Marie Antoinette as his queen. According to the legend, Marie Antoinette and the twelfth king of monsters were beheaded during the French Revolution because of the Puzzle Potato's curse.

After passing through many hands, the Puzzle Potato ended up in the possession of Kevin 'the Potato' Puzzler. The Puzzler family is said to have been tainted with the Puzzle Potato’s curse. According to the legend, the once-rich Puzzlers went bankrupt because of the Puzzle Potato. Additionally, three generations of Puzzlers died during birth, leaving many to guess at the family line which often included neighbors, pets, and variously a paperboy, a bicycle, and a cow named Watson.

The Puzzle Potato was sold to Lester B. Pearson who immediately learned of the curse when he tried to sell the potato on le Ebay. The curse wrought its ugly head when Microsoft enacted the DMCA to stop the auction. Shortly after this incident, the curse struck again, when the potato was nearly shoplifted by Winona Ryder.

In 1949 Dom Deluise died of alcohol poising. Although not in any way related to the potato, his death was long through to have been as a result of the curse of the potato. This incident, along the fact that both of his arms had mysteriously fallen of his body, led Person to search for an evil foundation on which he could bequeath the Puzzle Potato.

On November 10, 1958, the Puzzle Potato traveled in a plain brown box, by registered mail, and was met by Sophia of the Uncyclopedia Foundation who celebrated its arrival.

On December 5, 1969, the Puzzle potato was branded as an enemy of the state by Subway & Arby's.

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