Purdue University

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Purdue University.

Purdue University, also known as Campus Indianae, is the Roman fort housing LEGIO AMERICANVS XII (the 12th American Legion). The fort was besieged in 1816 by Injuns during the Roman conquest of America. The Romans were able to defeat the Injuns rather easily by loading their onagers with dead clinjas. The dead clinjas carried the disease syphilis which quickly decimated the Injuns, who had no immunity to it.

The fort was converted into a higher learning institution when the Roman colonies rebelled against the Roman Empire and became sovereign on December 25, 1864. In 1901 it became a mid-range learning center, and in 1917 a lower learning center, until finally suspending teaching all together in 1935.

The former campus is now filled with drunken hobos and hookers. Nerds often use the remains of the fort to perform bizarre experiments on the degenerates there since nobody cares if they die.

After languishing as a center for minor research in railroad technology, the institution was magically reformed in the year 1969. Although the government and the president of the university denies it, it is widely known to those of higher intellect that Purdue University was made what it is now by squirrels who use it to observe human behavior more covertly. The Squirrels are believed to be highly intelligent and the only people who know about their dealings are the aforementioned Nerds who serve as a go-between between the Squirrels and the Illuminati. The squirrels of Purdue University are only rivaled by those of Wabash College, a small, all male squirrel college in Crawfordsville, Indiana.

Right in the center, somehow, is a very popular British pub. Why it is in the middle of an ancient Roman fort now home to nerds and hookers is unknown. Scientists now believe that it has something to do with the cosmic relationship between random chance and telephone numbers, particularly 555-1337.

The primary religion of the nerdy inhabitants of the University is a form of Presbyterian Reform Engineering known as Aeroism, founded in 1969 by "Pappa Bear" Neil Armstrong (himself created by God in 1508 to prove his power by creating something useful out of the state of Ohio ). In that same year, during a National Geographic Special, the Holy Neil lept into the sky and seized the moon on behalf of this dank corner of the dank state of Indiana to prove Humphrey Bogart was full of it when he said, "If I can't walk on the moon, no one can!", as it was written strangely enough in a cryptic holy book written by two hooded prophets known only as the Wrights. Purdue annexed the moon the next fall, but had to give it up when its barren surface, devoid of any intelligent life, kept being mistaken for the OSU campus. The pious nerds recently erected a massive cathedral in his honor filled with religious artifacts such as the Holy Pebble, and an unknown cone-shaped relic believed to mimic the tip of the mighty phallic shaped vehicle used by the Holy Neil in his Holy Leap for mankind. The Holy Neil is believed to reside in the cathedral erected to honor him. The only access to his secret residence is a door marked "Penthouse Stair." Further, it is believed this is where the Holly Neil takes the virginity of all the foxy ladies whom come to adore him. It was blessed sometime in late 2007 by Neil's mortal brother Stretch Armstrong who also blessed the lowly denizens in the open-air megachurch later that afternoon. Legend has it that if you spit three times and scream "Back it up, or pee your pants!" the souls of countless miserable, virginal students sacrificed near one of the many ruined Roman aqueducts will appear.

However, if we ignore all the degeneracy and the nerdiness of its denizens, and not to mention the grand apocalyptic conspiracy of the scheming and menacing squirrels, Purdue University can be a mildly pleasant place. Among it's attractions are the fountain of youth which is located around the engineering facilities (thus explaining the ancient appearance of many of the professors who purportedly teach there); the now-infamous Pavlov's bell tower which serves as the primary means of pavlovian conditioning of the supposed students; and John Purdue's grave which was robbed in 1939 by Indiana Jones, ultimately the founder of a Purdue satellite campus known as Indiana University.

To defend itself against Indiana Jones' University (the two often compete in drunken bar brawls and grossly mismatched football games where the coveted trophy is nothing more than a crummy old wooden piss-bucket), Purdue University has created an elite league of superheroes called "The Breakfast Club". The Breakfast Club can be credited as the discoverers of the complicated chemical reaction for converting alcohol into kryptonite. A subclass of Purdue, Notre Dame football fans are known for their fondness of cheap rubber products, and are sometimes known to wander into town by donkey-back, though they are generally pre-occupied with the local Steak 'n Shake and indoor plumbing.

The current president of Purdue is Optimus Prime who, when not fighting Megatron, masquerades as a locamotive shaped truck that the locals refer to as the "Boilermaker Special". Optimus Prime succeeded the previous president, Elmer Fudd, who used the pseudonym "Steven Beering," but didn't fool anyone.

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