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“Puppies are nice in batter, its more fun if you lower them slowly into boiling batter mix when still alive!”
“I like to think about puppies... About slowly crushing them”
“Torture them, then kill them, and cook them up with barbecue sauce on an open flame. Delicious!”
Puppies(scientifically called Puppywuppy nuppywuppy), native to equatorial regions, are the fruit of the widespread Puppy Tree. Renowned for its juicy texture and meaty undertones, the puppy fruit is highly sought after by both young and old alike. Puppy Tree seeds can be found in various places in the black market as well, yet only for a considerable price.
Puppies are fun and infectiously cute. As a result they can get away with almost anything. Some say O.J. Simpson was part puppy. Puppies at a small age can actually sing. It is a widespread belief if you hear a puppy sing, however, that your heart will explode within your chest, and your eye sockets will become vaccuums.
Some puppies are good for consumption. However, the species Baddous Bitchous which is found often in the black market, when huffed, releases a poisonous gas that (literally in some cases, because it may ignite) burns the inside of your lungs, causing a rather unpleasant experience. Puppy poisoning may also cause: Nose bleeding, deafness, strong William Shatner hallucinations, raising the undead, gastritis, cirrhosis, acid reflux, the shits, a permanently limp and shrivelled dick, shrunken testicles, bruises all over your face, anal prolapse, meningitis, lung cancer, scurvy, having Admins huff cockroaches, making bad Uncyclopedia articles, conviction that one is the Chosen one to lead the Oprians to Zion, the Chosen land in where Oprah will perform mahic tricks with Carrot Top.
To identify a poisonous puppy one must check behind their ears, inside their noses, the roof of their snouts, and the inside of their liver if necessary. The poisonous puppy mark is a small red spot in the form of what can be interpreted either as the Grim Reaper awaiting for you, or Miley Cyrus. Either way, it's a traumatizing experience for those of all ages. Except for Chuck Norris.
Invention of the Puppy
Puppies are believed to be invented by Dr. Frankenstein in the bronze age to ward off villagers from his apple orchard. Puppies were later used by Alexander II in WW1 to fight the evil mutant zombies of planet Neverland. The puppies were fed explosives and then strapped to the end of sticks. When the zombies saw the puppies (a zombie delicacy) they would eat them and explode.
Nigerian Puppy Scam
The Nigerian Puppy Scam occurs when your puppy becomes a scam artist and begins using your computer to send spam to unsuspecting Nigerians, who then subsequently blame you, have you arrested by the FBI, an organization that will feed you copious amounts of trout and Viagra until you are ready to face Osama bin Laden, founder of Microsoft and put an end to the new blood-borne edition of Windows Vista (illegal in airports), after which you will join Dream Theater and die. This is why Samuel L. Jackson is laughing at you and calling you a bitch. One day a man walked down the road and saw there were no dogs, he started crying, then he realised he was not on the street at all, but was in a hotel lobby and he had wet himself, he was drunk!!!
How to tend to your Puppy Tree
Leave your tree in a dark, moist and oxygen free closet. Every 3 days pee through the crack at the bottom of the door and shove matchbox cars into the crack. Occasionally tell your puppy tree through the door what it is missing on the outside and tell it when it gets out you are going to beat it to hell. If your puppy tree gets big enough chop it down and shit on its remains, then set it on fire, repeat. After doing all of this several times you should have a strong puppy tree worthy of your torture.
Cultivating Puppies for Sale
Though Puppy Tree orchards are the main avenue for commercial wholesale puppy rearing, it is also possible to take an individual puppy, or 'seed puppy' to start your own business. Before this puppy can mature and grow into a full puppy tree, there are six important steps to take:
1: Feed puppy some Puppy Chow.
2: Give puppy a hug for exactly 743.582394513684 seconds.
3: Pet puppy until puppy is happy.
4: Let puppy have a nice drink of hard liquor.
5: Make sure puppy gets a nice belly rub for exactly 3 hours and 23 minutes.
6: Wait until puppy is fully grown then squeeze it until little puppies come out its ass.
If done correctly you should have little puppies in a few months. If done incorrectly, your puppy might swell up and explode.
Puppies Waging War on Bigfoot
The Clan of Puppies (1489) has been at war with Bigfoot since the year 1490 A.D. It started with a bark and a growl and the war was on. The puppies were totally offensive; the Bigfoot League (1200 B.C.) took massive losses, until they were nearly extinct. Then the Bigfoot League had no other option but to hide in caves and become incestuous. Bob Dole. While the Clan of Puppies prospered, the League of Bigfoot became more increasingly retarded, and grew many more limbs because of their incest. The Clan of Puppies found the legendary Bigfoot Cave one day, and the Bigfoot League took charge, and the puppies were forced to do hard time working as Bigfoot sex slaves from 1890-1900. The Clan of Puppies had a massive rebellion, in which the Zombies from planet Netherland became allies with the Bigfoot League and made a War Pact. Secretly, behind their backs, the Clan Of Puppies became affiliated with the Mole Guild. Bob Dole. One fine day in 1950, the Four Clans met in battle, and the zombies and mole-men killed themselves off with bombs, but the Clan of Puppies out-fought the League of Bigfoot, and the League of Bigfoot fled to the Incestuous Caves once again, while the Evil Puppy, to this day is befriending man.
12 years later in the year 1977, the puppies decided to overthrow the world human leaders, but they needed a leader. One puppy stood up, and the overlord's name was Air Bud. Air Bud's extreme basketball skills astounded the humans, and he made several crappy movies while the Puppy Clan collected the profits for their nuclear weapons of mass destruction. In the year 1999 the Puppy Empire built a giant Death Star with their movie funds and blew up the moon and in 2013 the Human Race was enslaved ,they were forced to make infinite amounts of dogfood, which was consumed by Puppy.Vader (who then died of his Dogfood alergy).
Puppies as a Source of Love
Puppies can be milked for the love that they naturally create inside of them. Milking a puppy is simply done by manually wagging its tail for it; the milk of love is expressed through the tear ducts. Some Third World countries, such as China, prefer to mince the milk out, but that is considered very wasteful by the Puppy Milk Board Of Canada, the ruling body on matters of puppy love-milk which is commonly named ass milk, because of the taste that you are licking a cows ass while he shits in your mouth. This milk is great for whipping on your *one time sex goddess!* And then having sex YAY! Puppies can be used as the following: dart board, hockey pucks, gun powder, footballs, etc. if you are Tom Cruise, use it as a baby substitute.
Puppies in Technology
In early electronic computers, each bit (or "kibble") of information was made from a vacuum tube the size of Minot, North Dakota. Unlike puppies, these devices were extremely disloyal, prone to overheat and explode with a force of up to 10 megatons. (Puppies also spontaneously explode, but this is less of a problem because everything they do is soooooo cute.)
So some unknown person — all that is known for sure is that that it wasn't Arnold Palmer — invented the puppy computer. Instead of electronic pulses flowing through a network of wires, relays, switches, and tubes, a pack (or "fleet") of puppies was sent through an actual network made of cardboard boxes duct-taped together. Each puppy carried a single "bit" of information in its memory, which is pretty much par for the course for a dog. The puppies were dispatched to the desired memory location by releasing a cat, which the puppy would chase. When two puppies collided at an intersection, a new byte (kibble) of information was created. The information created was this: Hey, those puppies just bumped into each other. However, this information was found to be of limited practical use.
Puppies can be trained to program in Visual BASIC, as well as play video games with awe-inspiring speed. Criminal organizations such as Mary Alice have been known to make them 'gold-farm' for several well-known online video games, including Warcraft and Bejeweled.
Puppies invented blogging as a means of attempting to pressure J. K. Rowling into eating a large number of bagels, thus delaying the release of the final volume of the Harry Potter series. However, blogging technology gained enormous popularity among wankers, asshats, and douchebags, and has proven to be the single most effective means ever of keeping such individuals under control, superior even to heroin, which requires occasional journeys out of one's home and a life of petty crime in order to support one's habit. PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD PUPPIES!!!
What kind of sick website do you think this is?! PUPPY huffing?! No. Really. We don't have an article on that. Yet. Well we still do hate dogs more than cats. However, I believe a man I met named Carl can give you a good deal on them, ask me after work...
The Human Puppy
Some humans are actually puppies in disguise. British-born Indian actor Dev Patel, is really a bunch of puppies strapped together. One way you can spot these impostors is by testing their knees. Walk up to someone you think might be a puppy in disguise and smear pineapple jam on their knees. As all puppies hate pineapple jam, they will protest or even try to kill you. If the person is actually a human, they will not be affected by the pineapple jam and you wont have to worry about human puppies sleeping with your women and stealing your jobs. Contradictory to popular belief Justin Bieber is not a puppy in disguise and loves it when people smear pineapple jam on his knees. He will even let you punch him for a good pineapple jam smearing. All people named Rahil Gomes are actually puppies in disguise and will steal your women and jobs. One way of stopping a human puppy is to stop making real dogs dress up in human costumes because, other than the fact that it is the stupidest thing after Pokemon, it insults them on their capabilities, thus making themselves look like humans in order to punish them by stealing thir jobs and sleeping with their women.