Pune

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Pune is a little city next to Mumbai where mumbai-kars, as they call themselves, buy cheap land[1] on the excuse of "getting out of the city to a quieter place". The city is well known for being infected by three kinds of diseases - H1N1, students and bachelors. There was a fourth- Suresh Kalmadi, but he got relocated to Delhi. Auto drivers, were earlier classified under diseases as well, but they are now labelled under in-born defects, those to which there is no cure.

edit Toponomy

Pune is derived from the word "pun", with the accented 'e' added later when the french first heard of the city. Why this place was called the city of puns was due to the liberal use of sexual innuendoes by Pune's municipal body when it comes to naming local areas. Pimpri, Lavale and Bhosari being prime examples. While Pimpri can be passed off as an occupation related name, the name Bhosari, [2] seems to be well accepted by the locals who take pride in claiming ownership of a residential apartment in Bhosari.

edit Culture

Pune seems to have a bad reputation amongst parents whose kids are within the age group of 2 to 89. This bad reputation can be accredited mostly to the award winning daily, Pune Mirror, which keeps a constant tab on which rave party is happening where in Pune. This newspaper is widely read by policemen who on the lookout for a bribe grabbing opportunity, they only thing they can grab since their huge pompous bellies come in the way and prevent them from grabbing anything else. This is in sharp contrast to policemen in Bihar, where they are starved thin and hence are able to grab a few women as side dishes, when they are on the look-out for bribes and other sources for daily wages.

This practice has led to a widely spread misconception in the west about India, that policemen double up as tax collectors and collect taxes from people.

A "rave" party in Pune has two definitions - one is what a young adult male with raging hormones expects it to be before going to the party, and two, what the party actually is. You must have already got the clue that these are two different things.

Elaborating on point one (and two) - firstly, let us define what an average young adult male in Pune is[3] - A "man" with the cherry blossom shine on every strand of hair that stands (spikes) on his head, and an equally glossy shirt to go along with the jeans. His arrival is marked by the sound of a blasting silencer of a cheaply modified motorcycle and his exit is marked by a sigh of relief. If you spot an average young adult male (YAAM) and get the feeling that you have probably seen him somewhere before - you are mostly correct, because the YAAM believes in advertising of himself and his bunch of ugly friends using hoardings which block road signals, traffic signals, and even the roads sometimes. These advertisements are to attract the young average adult female (YAAF) on the pretext of "mitr mandal" , which literally means, group of friends. Social networking in pune, hence, has donned a new avatar, way beyond the scope of Facebook. YAAM is well aware about the existence of Facebook though, and attends rave parties to supplement his constant need for changing his display picture on the same. A photograph with a girl (less clothed) is preferred, but this is a rarity as YAAF itself is a rarity and is in fact reduced to being just a concept, a hope a dream and an aspiration, which YAAM fulfill later in life by going to Mumbai or the internet. The "rave" parties referred to earlier, are hence, attended by YAAMs, and them alone, who pay their tribute to 50 Cent, Akon and other obscure artists by a constant shake of their herds and pelvic thrusts. The usage of drugs and other consumables is mostly because there is a dire need for the YAAMs to imagine the presence of YAAFs, and this they achieve by doing drugs and hallucinating. This effect can not be produced by doing alcohol, which in Pune is so sharply priced that any high can be brought down by taking just a glance at the bill.

But their hopes of imaginary boobs are shattered as well as they encounter mobs belonging to overfed policemen, who read The Pune Mirror and decided that "rave" party to be the source of their that night's income.

edit Education

The diseases - students- is one which Pune seems to have invited on its own and is now well spread, much to the displeasure of "locals". These students are un-welcome everywhere throughout the city limits and housing societies here take pride and advertise the fact that they are free of the two common household pests- cockroaches and students. An international university - Dimbiosis, is a prime cause due to which the city has got this infection.

Here a special mention needs to made about the other kind of YAAMs which exist. Those which do not belong to the city, but are students from elsewhere and after visiting the city, never claim to belong to this city. These YAAMs are divided into two categories - Delhi-ites and rest of the nation.[4] The first group (delhi-ite) YAAM consists of several, exactly identical, BigBerry wielding, collars raised, half sleeves folded!, slick haired, eyes hidden with aviators, car driving men. The second very diversified in their language, culture and hair styles, but are all united in their hate against Delhi and their love for Rajnikanth jokes.

Unlike the local variety of YAAFs, the imported variety of YAAFs actually exist, but mostly in the confines of the hostels of the colleges they belong, as the primitive men of this very primitive city often hurl stones at them, for absolutely no reason, just like how stray dogs run behind cars. The some YAAFs which do go out are under the special protection and care of the YAAMs.

edit Transport

edit Auto Rickshaws

The auto drivers of the city of pune have taken the special responsibility of making the city's flawed bus transport system run well. They charge passengers so high that they are forced to take buses instead.

edit Traffic Signals and Discipline

The traffic system in Pune is meant for the high IQ level pedestrians who solve the daily sums of probability to survive as they cross the roads. The municipal body has also gone on an , critically acclaimed and much appreciated, electricity saving drive as they switch off all traffic signals during the peak hours of traffic. It was observed by the Traffic department of India that the number of one ways and no entry exceed the number of roads in Pune. Hence, it usually takes more time to travel to reach your desired destination, in Pune than to travel internationally, however the locals manage it quite easily.

edit Air Travel

The Airport Authority, in association with the Annoying Mothers Foundation, have jointly collaborated in formulating the "wake up" program, where MIGs and other really loud combat aircrafts are employed to wake up children early in the mornings, so that they reach school on time.

edit River Navigation

There is a river running through the city which is rumored to be a constant flow of urine from Goa, up north, from the beer guzzling crowd of Goa.[5]. In order to address this issue the city has decided to fill in the river and build a road over the river.

edit Walking

Walking is highly discouraged in the city as official policy. Footpaths are required by law to be one foot (12 inches) or less (hence "foot" path). In spite of this many people insist on walking, thus reducing India's carbon footprint, in direct violation of the country's well known stand at the international level to "match and exceed the carbon emissions of the U.S". This has already caused China to beat India. To counter this the PMC (Project Mismanagement Consultants) have now installed street lamp poles, electricity boxes and other items to prevent people from using footpaths where they exist. This has met with some success.

edit Employment

Besides being a policeman, other occupations also are equally earning during the nights, like prostitution, which is primarily prevalent in heart of Pune city- Budhwar Peth. Actually, Budhwar Peth was formed first, Pune relocated its heart there later. Mastani, a thick milkshake containing dried fruit, is a speciality of the city. It is named after Mastani, the controversial mistress of the Peshwa Baji Rao I in the 17th century. Shows how lucrative this employment opportunity really is.

edit References

  1. Compared to Mumbai, anything is cheap.
  2. Which directly referres to female genitalia.
  3. Referring, for time being, only those males who have been living in Pune for their entire lives and not those males who come to pune as students and never claim to belong to the city.
  4. The rest of the nation, mostly being from Bombay.
  5. Which mostly consists of Pune-ites, frustrated of paying so high for alcohol.
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