Pump Clip

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Hop-Thief-Blackbird

Hop Thief Blackbird is the current holder of the Real Ale of Great Britain Award 2013.

A pump clip is a badge or sign which securely clips to the handle of a booze robot. They often feature a delightful illustration or graphic and are commonly found in pubs, restaurants and beer festivals across Great Britain. Although amusing and artistic, the primary purpose of a pump clip is to represent the ale contained within the booze robot below, although some malicious designers and illustrators often try to include subliminal messages within their artwork in an attempt to baffle or confuse the consumer. This has contributed to the rise of Pump Clip Stupefaction (PCS).

edit Origin

The origin of the pump clip can be dated back to 1644, which is around 50 years after the invention of real ale. Quakers from the Valiant Sixty are credited with having created the first pump clip after advertising their home brew: ‘Thy Holy Discharge’ to weary travelling pilgrims. The pump clip is described in George Umlaut’s: 'Earth-Quakers: The Facts and the Friction' as a: "crude but amusing illustration of Jesus floating above a wooden cask, pewter tankard in hand, with piss shooting from his crotch into a open hole in the top of the barrel". Human and dog urine were common ingredients in early Quaker ale and the image of the 'pissing Jesus' is now said to be complimentary as it signifies the ale as 'blessed beer'; something we should all consume. Amen.

edit History

During the past 400 years since the original Quaker clip design, over 83 billion different pump clips are known to have been made. The materials used for making pump clips have rarely changed over the years with modern manufacturers favouring biopolymers, sandpaper and stone over the traditional wax suet and ghost linen. Unfortunately, true appreciation and preservation of ancient pump clips was non existent until The Royal Nation Pump Clip Museum was established the 1940s.

edit The Royal National Pump Clip Museum

Thy-Holy-Discharge

George Umlaut's modern rendition of Thy Holy Discharge printed on ghost linen.

The Royal National Pump Clip Museum is a charity-based organisation which is run by The Duke of Edinburgh. It is based in Balls Cross, West Sussex and was established in the 1940s in an attempt to preserve the art and history of British pump clips and currently exhibits over 20,000 old and new pump clips.

edit Utilising pump clips

Service and how to order a drink can differ from county to county in Great Britain, but there are many ways in which the pump clip can be used to summon a drink. The the most popular and wide spread is The Point.

edit The Point

The Point is the most common and wide-spread procedure used within pub culture.

  • A typical scenario: Half cut, the beer user leans into the bar cross-eyed and attempts to catch the attention of the ugly wench behind the bar. After catching one of her watery bulbous eyes, the beer user immediately points to the pump clip indicating from which robot he would like his beer to originate from; cleverly avoiding having to converse with the wench which would highlight his psychological incompetence. The wench then shuffles forward ala Conan The Disabled Barbarian and pours the pint. Job done.

edit The Stroke

The Stroke is an unsettling manoeuvre only hardened beer users perform when ordering a pint of filth.

  • A typical scenario: A man so pissed he’s on the verge of filling his already soiled Y-fronts, hides mysteriously behind a very fat woman at the bar enabling him to avoid complete eye contact with the troll behind the counter. Ever-thirsty and waiting for the opportune moment, the beer user finally focusses enough to see the blurry wench as she encroaches his end of the bar. As she approaches he menacingly extends his arm towards his choice of ale and gently strokes the pump clip, being careful to stay hidden behind the blob. The wench, stupid and confused, assumes the fat woman has a third thinner arm and to avoid a debate about equal opportunities and equality and diversity, she pours the ale without hesitation. Pint poured, the wench then asks the fat woman for payment, who understandably argues the toss, giving the piss can a window of opportunity to slide the pint his way and sneak off with a free one. Job done (until you’re barred).

edit The Exclamation

The Exclamation is a common method of utilising the pump clip in order to get served at a busy bar.

  • A typical scenario: A man, fresh from a days work, squeezes into a busy smelly pub in search of some filth. Having spent 20 minutes merely getting to bar his thirst has multiplied in nature to the tune of three kilowatts. He needs immediate refreshment. To avoid having to wait any longer, the gentlemen then aggressively extends his right arm vertically into the air before bellowing on top note: "I would like a pint of this filthy fucking broth please" then points violently, but with purpose, at the clip from which his ale should emerge. He is immediately served by the hideous terrified wench behind the bar for fear of her life. Job done.

edit Necropumping

  • Classified.

edit Popular pump clips

No Wikipedia

Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Pump Clips. We are sorry they are this lame.

  • Marstons: Egg Salad
  • Joseph Holts: Wigwam
  • Fullers: The Sunday Shiznit Express
  • Coachhouse: Our Mistake
  • Robinsons: Fifth Goose
  • Caledonian: Hop Scotch
  • Everards: Pint of Grass

edit See also

Personal tools
projects