Puddle of shit

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White powder mud diving

Puddles of shit are a fetish magnet. They say you come up three times for air, then go under for the duration. Here Michael Phelps proves there's always an exception to the rule.

Puddles of shit are quite rare and precious. Many members of the general public have never even heard of a puddle of shit, let alone seen one. But those who have experienced them in all their glory are as one in the opinion that the fecal chocolate puddle is far superior to its distant cousin, a piece of shit.

Everyone also agrees that puddles of shit are much more culturally and artistically relevant than pieces. They are simply more French, more couture, and contain foodstuffs which delight the eye as well as refresh the palate for a second-go at the exotically liquefied gastric particulates. And even though they are made up of many of the same elements, the puddle exists on a higher level than a piece, as the shimmering surface is so much easier on the eye and contains multiple aspects of classical beauty. Like the difference between expensive sparkling water and corner-bar sparkling ice, a puddle of shit moves onlookers to tears as they witness the graceful and eternal dance of the tide gently influenced by the presence of the moon, while a piece of shit just lays about looking pretty but remains essentially a paperweight.

Habitat

Critics make it abundantly clear that puddles of shit are not those naturally found in bathroom toilets. No, that human-excreted semi-solid waste - by common name, "sloppy poo" - is a completely different kettle of fish, as it always contains solid chunks, some very small but solid nonetheless. The true puddle is made of pure poo in a viscous form down to a microscopic level, a flowing liquid material that is quite aesthetic and sometimes opaque. The most coveted puddles of shit are almost clear, and take on the colors of their surroundings.

Very few people are known to excrete puddles of shit, and the few who do are surrounded by idolizing admirers. Throughout the years they've earned great respect, not to mention lots of money and other amenuties from the artistic community. In a true show of culture and glamour, most of the great puddle excreters do not perform into ordinary toilet bowls. They achieve sweet relief in more extravagant ways, and express themselves on canvas, onto a mural, or even directly upon the art-gallery floor itself. Prices of these works at auction have risen of late, supply and demand being what it is, and sales of this artwork over the internet have increased as fast as the artists' fortune.

Courting ritual

ChoccyBar16

Artfully crafted containers used in courting rituals demand a steady carving hand and a knack for detail. These boxes, known as wunderhammocks, are then filled with a puddle of shit and presented to ones beloved.

Those who have been exposed to, or who have actually owned, a puddle of shit, trumpet its benefits and primitive beauty. One major use for these puddles - known, naturally, to the "in crowd" more than to the general population - is their use in courting rituals by the rich and famous. For example, the high-profile celebrity Tom Cruise was said to have presented a beautiful and hypnotic puddle of shit to his former wife, Nicole Kidman, on their third date. This tradition continued with Cruise's courtship of the cute little snugglebunny Katie Holmes who, upon receiving the exceptional gooey dowry on their first date, likened it to the feeling of lovingly holding and suckling a newborn infant while being orally pleasured by a team of tantric masters.

In ancient times

In Atlantis, puddles of shit were treated as pets, and they and their containers were often walked by their owners alongside their girafes, red pandas, and something that looked like a sand cat with large retractable wings. When Atlantis got too fat and sunk, the only things that floated to the surface were puddles of shit.

In Ancient Egypt, puddles of shit were sacred, and were often studded with floating diamonds and used as sacrifices in holy occult rituals dedicated to the Gods and Goddesses inhabiting the Nile Valley. The sitting pharaoh (and thank Isis he was sitting) was said to be the only one capable of excreting a pure and worthy puddle. Anyone else who claimed they could do the same was immediately escorted to the mush room, where they were mushed to death. The Egyptians made a sport out of preserving the corpses of these dead fools by filling their canopic jars with the sacred substance itself, which has a tedious side-effect of being an excellent tissue preservative.

In Mayan culture, puddles of shit were stored away, only to ritualistically emerge in times of war. When the need arose the puddle was taken out by the holy man and used by the tribe as body paint. Historians agree that it gave the Mayans a mysterious supernatural strength, most evident during downwind charges and as they engaged in hand-to-hand combat.

In Aztec culture, on the other hand, puddles of shit were used as seasoning in sauces of the purest delicacy. Raisins, spices, and cocoa were added to the basic recipe for a taste treat shared later with the conguering Europeans, who, historians agree, didn't take to it so kindly, and may have overreacted.

In present-day culture

Chocmilk

Hiding from eagle-eyed custom officials, an Asian puddle sneaks its way through a small tube until it once again emerges into the light of day.

The people of India discovered that not only were their cows sacred, but that their shit puddles were even more so. A lucky few bovine puddles are considered the most loved by Rama, Hanuman, and Vishnu, and these puddles were used by the leading female swamis of the day as both make-up and in elaborate ceremonies to ward off evil spirits.

Among Eskimoes of the extreme northern climate, frozen puddles of shit were traditionally used as primative decorative art. Many frozen still-life statues of beautiful eskimo women and of grandmothers set adrift on ice floes - sculpted with a keen eye, salivating tongue, and a sharpened walrus rib - adorn the Great White North.

Mormons, on the other hand, were instructed by a book dictated by an angel to bathe in puddles of shit, which explains their excellent skin, hearty laughter, open-minded acceptance, and friendly dispositions.

Playing with shit

One particular popular current fad is the "My Pet Puddle of Shit" line sold by both Toys Я Us and John Scherer's outfit. The product is not actually a real puddle, but a synthetic replica which has most but not all of the features of the real thing. Я Us's version is said to have a softer texture than Scherer's, but Scherer seems to have gotten the shimmer and smell right.

And then there's this...

Historians agree that this story is true:

In 1935, unknown to the wandering masses, a Puddle of Shit was obtained by the German high command. "Number Two Transparent", as the puddle was soon named, was inserted into a perfect crystal ball brought in from Bavaria, and for the next 10 years every decision made by the German government was passed through the Puddle of Shit.

Triva

Chocalate Cake

A puddle of shit in captivity, decorated, and ready to receive visitors. Oh look, a gentlemen caller!

  • Puddles of shit cannot be found in Singapore, due to the air pressure at sea level.
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