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Students who attend public schools have measurable forms of retardation similar to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. However, some scientists contend this is to be expected, because the poor spend all the money they don't send to televangelists on booze. Public school students are unkempt, rowdy, oversexed and out of control. Private school kids are needless to say very jealous.
A public school can easily be identified by the strong smell of grain alcohol and semen that wafts from its doors.
Public school students are subjected to constant violence. They begin their day by being smacked around by the principal for fumbling the ball on the last play against White Prep High School. They go to class, where they are assaulted by members of a rival gang. They are then threatened by their attractive blonde female teachers and forced into depraved sex acts.
During gym class, many male students are brutally gang-raped, with the encouragement of their teacher in the hope it will "make a man out of you... while I film it." Female students are often filmed undressing. Sometimes, if the teacher is a dyke, they will be "asked" to perform oral.
Once the school day is over, they are forced to play sports in order to avoid being sold into the Asian sex slave trade. After practice is over, they go home and are chained to a radiator by their dad until supper time. After dinner, their uncle may come by to molest them.
By bedtime, the average public school student has been subject to 13.2 acts of violence and sexual depravity.
Kids who attend public school are maladjusted. They've been raised by drunken fathers who burn them with cigarettes while they force the mother-figure of the household to turn tricks for a living.
Consequently, many kids in public schools eventually decide to murder everyone around them. This is OK. They're just expressing themselves. Besides, how would we know whether the music is really working if we stopped kids from killing people at school?
Every year in the United States over 15,000 students are the victims of school shootings. This accounts for nearly 33% of all crime in the US.
Many school shootings are misattributed to too much TV, rap music, or that damn Roger Ebert. However, numerous studies have shown that most school shootings can be traced back to a lack of sex and drugs among a group of students who mostly play Facebook and Myspace. A noticeable uptick in school shootings occurred following the cancellation of Farscape.