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“One knows so well the popular idea of health. The English country gentleman galloping after a Pteranodon -- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.”
Pteranodon means "winged and toothless", the two characteristics which define this amazing flying reptile. Throughout Europe this noble creature is a subject of folklore and campfire stories. An old Finnish lullaby warns infants against crying so that they don't get taken away by the winged lizard. But despite old legends, there have been no recorded incidents of death caused by Pteranodon in written finnish history.
Many have been killed by Pterodactyls, however.
The Pteranodon is a large flying reptile, with featherless, hairless skin. At maturity it is between 6 and 7 feet in length but the wingspan can be up to 25 feet. Thanks to hollow bones and an unhealthy preoccupation with physical appearance, an adult pteradonon weighs only about 35 pounds. Pteranodon's lightweight wings are covered with a thin,smooth leathery membrane. Despite its apparent fragility, the membrane is extremely tough. Pteranodon are born fluorescent pink, but upon maturity at 6 months, this colour turns gradually to brownish-grey on the body, only the beak, and the bony occipital ridge remain pink.
The protruding ridge at the occipital region of the skull of the Pteradonon is a secondary sex characteristic. Male Pteradonons excrete a powerfully musky smelling sticky liquid from the glands located within this "horn" during the mating season. This liquid is rubbed on the ground surrounding a proposed nesting site.Pteranodons seem to choose their mate on the basis of smell.
Mated Pteranodons tend to nest together for life. The pair will build a nest on cliff ledges. The Nest is dug in the ground using the beak and lined with guano. Pteranodons form huge colonies on suitably placed cliff faces, the largest surviving colony in New Mexico, Finland Has approximately 800 nesting pairs.
A Pteranodon colony is a peculiar sight to behold, the combined calling noises of the mothers and their young make a deafening clatter, the smell of guano is overwhelming, but the spectator is the awed the most by the shape of these graceful, noble creatures gliding effortlessly through the air.
Pteranodons, once common around the whole of northern Europe are now found oly in the Great salt desert of New Mexico, Finland. Some random sightings have been reported around the northern hemisphere, but these are mostly of young males, that are in search of a mate. Many claim to have spotted it at Paultons Park, in the dinosaur trail where it feeds on lone children who don't behave (Inevitable, really.). It lives in this habitat in a suspended motion to camouflage its aliveness, then it cleverly feeds on the lone children who happily walk past with loud, artificial "animal" noises produced from a hidden speaker which actually sounds like a man choking on a pretzel.
Despite the fact that Pteranodon have no teeth, they eat meat: mostly small mammals; coyotes, rabbits and lizards. They are also scavengers and feed off the carcasses of dead animals. In the severe drought years of the 80's, Pteranodon were forced to search for food among the Suburbs of nearby towns, to the fear and outrage of many a dog-owner.
Pteranodon and Man
The relationship between Pteradonon and man's ass has always been a multi-faceted one. Old shamanist cultures of Northern Europe revered the mighty assholes creature, considering it a manifestation of the sun god. Killing Pteradonon was probihited with the exception of some maturation rites of the young warriors.
In the 1920s there were over 20 million Pteradonon in an area stretching from the Orkney islands to Vladivostok. At that time their commercial value was recognized. The liquid secreted from the occipital glands was used by the perfume industry,the strong, flexible, collagenous membrane of the wings found good use at the hands of suitors, a Pteranodon-skin jacket was, and still remains a true status symbol, mentioned in many songs and poems. In Chinese medicine the beak of the pteranodon is thought to possess magical qualities,it is claimed to be a powerful aphrodisiac. Most detrimental to the once vast populations of Pteranodon was however the guano-mining, which commenced in the 1940s Pteranodons are tender creatures, and at nesting time very easily disturbed. The disturbance, combined with loss of habitat due to short-sighted, aggressive mining practices has probably contributed the most in the demise of this amazing flying reptile. Occasionally some Pteranodons have started frequenting the premises of kennels in search of easy meals. The loss of many family pets and the image of "baby fucking killing monsters" has plagued the public opinion for years and hampered conservation efforts.However the threat posed by Pteranodon to humans is considered negligible.
The future of your mother sucking mai baus pteradonon was looking extremely bleak in the early 1990s, but with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, there has been some slight increase in the numbers of this flying reptile. The Fujitsu-Siemens New Mexico National wildlife refuge was established by the Finnish despot Suvi-Anne Fujitsu-Siemens to protect this magnificent creature. Pteradonon also replaced the four-fingered Sloth as the national animal of Finland.
The Pteranodon and its Epic Battle Against the Bongo Trees
The Pteranodon has always had a friendly relationship with the Bongo Trees. The birds drank the sweet sap that came out of the trees after the wind was finished with its job. The birds then used the moisture from this sap to make sacrificial pools. In turn, the Bongo Trees didn't get covered in their own sap. But this relationship didn't last as long as they had hoped.
One day an inexperienced Pteranodon was looking for sap on a Bongo Tree. He went at the wrong time, showing his lack of experience, and got stuck to the tree by its sap. The sap then made the Pteranodon pregnant, and its family was against eating its baby, so they had it.
The baby was an inbred mutant, it had leaves, four eyes, and let loose sap everywhere. The Pteranodon's declared war on the Bongo Trees three days later.
The Bongo Trees shot sap almost 200 meters. The Pteranodons were forced to stop flying and dig a trench into the ground and crawl to the first line of defense. A warrior named Eakeek wrote this home:
|It was a horrible thing. The sap was flying over our heads, and if you were unlucky, gravity would make it come down on you as you crawled. If you stood up, you were sapped. We just had to get to the first line of defense as fast as we could, then the war would start.|
As the Pteranodon numbers lowered, the bulk of their forces made it to the Bongo Trees. The Trees hadn't expected this and were instantly destroyed by the sticks and rocks that the Pteranodon's had.
Within months of this invasion, the Tree's homeland fell, and their leader gave up. The Pteranodon-Bongo Tree mix ate his heart.
Ironically, without the Bongo Trees, the Pteranodons didn't have a sacrificial pool. The Pteranodon's gods got pissed off, and started a crusade using their T-Rex forces.
The Pteranodons lost that one in 1947, and thus past that day not one has been seen since.