Psychic

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“You know you're a bad psychic when your crystal ball has three holes in it and the Bowlaroo logo.”
~ Jeff Foxworthy on lame attempt at comedy
“"Psychic Gets Struck By Lightning"? Wow, you'd think she'd have seen it coming.”
~ That guy on a better attempt at comedy
Fortune-top

I know you are looking at this.

The fact is, I knew that you were going to click on that link. I am also very much aware that you are currently sitting in a chair, reading this. You see, you came here for a reason, and that reason is ectoplasmic jelly will cost you $19.99 for me to reveal. Of course, I knew your credit card number, but the spirits took my short term memory o.O

If this be not proof enough for you of the stunning, almost house-like reality of the awesome realm of psychic mystery, then let me say that you must certainly work in a fish canning factory, somewhere in Iceland, and that you have an uncle called Rudy who is very hairy and almost eight feet tall. Yes? No?

And I can also tell you that you did not know that I was using analogies in that last prediction. For by Iceland I meant New York and by fish canning factory I meant Corporate lawyer. You are a dynamic, highly strung corporate lawyer called Willard Woogley carving out a career for yourself in the core of the Big Apple, but fighting against the cynicism which threatens to overwhelm you and destroy forever your youthful enthusiams for corporate law - hence the interest in the realm of the psychic!

No?

Well, ok buddy, I'm still getting strong signals on the fish front. I can say with some confidence that you have at least seen at least one fish at some point in your life. Maybe you even touched one. Without realising it, you probably have a strong psychic bond with fish. Your girlfriend smells like the fish market. Indeed - look behind you at that fishbowl - do you see Lochlan swimming in there? He tells me that...

The fee

Sorry to interrupt, but I am going to have to ask for your credit card details at this point. As you know, this psychic business is rather taxing, and I need to make sure that I'm strong enough to continue. Master Card or Visa? .... .... .... .... .... Thank you very much. I'll deduct my fee from your account. Next, I will need you to strip down and grab your genitals. ... There we go. ... Now make some up and down motions. Thaaaat's it... Oh yeah, before I forget, because I have no genitals, I must ask you: is that a penis or a vagina? Really? OK, thank you. Let us proceed.

The Methods

Cold Reading

Most people who claim to be psychic are really using an old con called 'cold reading'. This technique involves turning down all the radiators so that the subject of a so-called 'psychic investigation' is not in fact being contacted by the spirit world, but is merely cold. However, this lends itself nicely to predictions of "cold shivers down your spine", being "touched by the hands of the dead", and "thinking about coffee or tea".

Shotgunning

Shotgunningbeer01

DIY Shotgunning if you can't afford a psychic.

"Shotgunning" is a common cold reading technique, often used by purported psychics and mediums. The psychic offers a huge quantity of information (some of which is certain to be correct, near correct or just amusing), observes the (by now very cold) subject's reactions, and then refines the original statements according to those reactions. If the subject starts to question the authority of the psychic, the psychic will produce a large shotgun from under the table. This often helps the subject to concentrate wonderfully.

Shotgunning might include questions such as:

  • "I sense that you are sometimes insecure, especially with people you don't know very well."
  • "I sense that you are insecure about having your fortunes read. In fact, you are feeling very insecure right now, right?"
  • "I see an elderly lady that's close to you, and is holding a shotgun. Can you make any sense of that?"
  • "I have a sensation that sometimes you go into the kitchen and completely forget what you went in there for, what does this mean to you?"
  • "Do you have an older relative or friend with a 'J', 'G', 'S', 'Q', E', 'T', 'L', 'O', 'V' or an 'I' in their name, or who wears shoes on a regular basis?"
  • "Does this sawn-off help you to recall any relatives by that description?"

Famous Psychics

See also

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