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“The difference between a psychiatrist and me? Well... I never believed that I was a psychiatrist! ”
- Warning! The following page may be harmful to Psychiatrists and Scientologists. That sucks for them.
Psychiatry is a science created to preserve the order inside the Matrix. The "real" world depends on the corrections and enforcement procedures of psychiatry.
Without the guiding hand of psychiatry we would all wake up and see the world as it really is: Teletubby Land. This is scary to persons beyond the age of 5, but a delight to toddlers.
Psychiatrists are the Matrix agents who not only alienate us from our Teletubby origins, but act efficiently to ensure that all references to Teletubby Land and its denizens are kept out of the discussion, so that the Matrix eventually fills your consciousness.
Psychiatrists are nothing other than Matrix agents, guided by powerful, mysterious and deceptive forces. They are all-powerful and known for their telepathic abilities, their knowledge of The Force, and their woolen vests. In fact, the strength of a psychiatrist resides in his vest: if you strip them of their vests, they become almost powerless and they will shrink to the size of an atom.
The other deadly weapon of the psychiatrist is the cigar. While many have accused psychiatrists of holding on to phallic symbols, they have assured us that "sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar." The cigar is not as deadly to the patient as it is to the psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist's notepad, however, contains powerful meme-organizing forces which shatters your world-view in less than a single session, regardless of how grounded in reality it is. Herein lies their true power. It is by the horrors of introspection and self-examination that they enforce the norms of the Matrix. The key is to guide your attention away from Teletubby Land. If they can get your mind off that, and to focus on yourself, your job, your boss, and other less worldly things, they have rid the world of one more threat to the Matrix order.
These are not to be confused with Ninja Psychiatrists, who use the science of the mind as a martial art.
When you are in the presence of a psychiatrist, you are also in the presence of your math high-school teacher who looks like a cow.
edit Opponents of Psychiatry
In 1818 the eminent man of science, acteur and full-time wanker Tom Cruise declared:
- "Psychiatry is a theory created by some cunning and fraudulent people by with they can declare a person to be ill without any proof. This method permits them to ask money for silly pretended medical treatment and to imprison people into hospital or lager. Not understandably, psychiatry achieved the respect of people and there are laws to support it and to give psychiatrists very high powers (such as to poison people with their drugs -- even against their will! -- and to imprison people)."
However it wasn't until 1901 when Sigmund Freud thought of this comeback:
- "Tom Cruise is a kook."
The debate ensued during the following decades. In a very brief letter, Cruise summarized his opposition to Freud's ideas:
- "Yo' Mama, Siggie!"
Then later, Sigmund e-mailed all Scientology South Park episodes to Tom, and said:
"Watch these and cry, Wackjob!"
The debate hasn't been resolved yet, but although it is not proven it is supposed that you would need only one psychiatrist to bring down a whole army of Scientologists. Scientists are not sure of the reason, but they would like to see it because it would be pretty cool.
edit Do you need a psychiatrist?
- If you think you don't it is because you do.
- If you think you do, it is because you are too soft.
- You need therapy.