Protestant Reformation

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If you're looking for an article that actually makes any sense of this event, see Protestant. Or not, I'm not sure. Who the fuck found the religion!?

“Wow, the Reformation is one of the best events in history, if you don't count the Crusades and the Black Death.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Reformation

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Luther

Martin Luther:The first Prot.

The Protestant Reformation began in 1517 when Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of a prominent mind control center in Wittenburg, Germany. This began a process from which eventually came a new franchise of Christianity, i.e. Protestantationalism, whose followers later became known as Protestants. They knew what they didn't like (the Pope) but never agree what to replace it with, which is why you have 1,000 Protestant denominations but only one Catholic church today.

95Theses

Martin Luther later published his whinge in a book to get the message out further.

I Have A Whinge

Martin Luther was a monk at a local monastery near Wittenberg when he decided to write the Pope with a list of suggestions to improve the Catholic church. However as he started to write them all down, Luther got angrier and angrier and by item 95 (or 'abuse') , he had enough and marched round to the cathedral with a hammer and box of nails. There he pinned up the list for everyone to read and signed it Lex (Lexis) Luthor to confuse the authorities.

The list was a long ramble of various things that had irked Luther. Like the day his bran flakes had been prepared by a woman or the time he was forced to share a shower with a horse. However it did include these following points:-

  • Paying money to release your soul from eternal damnation doesn't work
  • The Pope knows Jack Shit
  • The Catholic Church is big business dressed up as a religion
  • The Jews are to blame for everything
  • Monasteries and nunneries are full of sin. I know, I've done it
  • Please cancel the milk delivery today

When Pope Leo X heard about the list he said Martin Luther was a 'fat German drunk' and ordered the list destroyed. He also asked the Inquisition if they could bring in Luther for a light burning (first offence).

Spread of Protestantism

When Luther heard he was in for a toasting, he fled to the castle of the local lord, Duke Frederick of Saxony. When the papal representatives turned up at the door with a bundle of faggots, rope and a funny hat for Luther to wear, Frederick told them to get lost. Luther was allowed to stay and started to write out more of his complaints which eventually formed the basis of Lutheranism.

Pope Leo X next wrote to the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V to put the bollock squeezers on Luther. Now fully worked up and hoping to gain extra publicity, Luther agreed to go to a meeting in Germany where he was told to recant and eat a plate of worms to mark his humiliation. Luther said he could 'eat and chew the worms as he was on a diet' but refused to back down. Charles V told him to grow up and to stop 'protesting like a cheap date'. Luther (who had been eating bags of worms whilst he listened to Charles) made his famous speech - 'Here I stand. I can't move. I've eaten too many worms'.

The Catholics now called the supporters of Luther 'Protestants' and the name stuck. Others now followed Luther's example and started to paste up their complaints on churches or passing bishops. Like wildfire, the more extreme protestants now claimed the end of the world was just round the corner and began sack and loot holy places. Luther disowned these other protestants and said they were communists.

In England Henry VIII joined in the struggle and wrote a book denouncing the Protestants and called it The Pope is a good bloke. Later on when he had a problem with the Catholic Church as regards the legality of his marriages, Henry ordered his own book be withdrawn and replaced by Piss off you Papist.

Catholic Response

Faced by the growing spread of 'heresy', the Catholic Church decided it needed to jazz up its act and get more competitive. These measures included robes with funny hats to impress the faithful, and booze and crackers and stick some stronger drugs in the incense bottles. It worked up to a point but within fifty years of Luther's rant list, the Protestant Reformation was here to stay.

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