Programs Cancelled by Congress

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edit A Brief Introduction

Throughout recent history our congress has based its military research decisions upon the philosophy that if it can actually kill the enemy it would be a bad thing. An example of this is the implementation of the M16 as our service rifle (during the Vietnam War and up to the present). This is due to infection of stupidity and weakness. Combine this attitude with the "all you need is love" attitudes of the deranged LSD hippies and you get a recipe for disaster. I ask you, did Sparta ever stop when it was fighting those Persians and say "couldn't we all just watch Mr. Roger's?" The answer, of course, is no! Those Persians were coming to burn their women and rape their crops; of course it was all out war! The ancients never deluded themselves about the realities of the world, and neither should we! But, the current reality is that our congress, for some oxymoronic reason, wants weapons that don't kill the enemy. Question: If the weapons aren't meant to kill the enemy, then what are they meant to do, look pretty? Some sad day, there will be a nuclear attack on this country and then we will finally wake from our stupor and realize that war really is all about just "killing the bastards." Until then, this page will document said deficiencies of congress and its suicidal weapons policies.

“ Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.”
~ General George S. Patton Jr. on War
“ War is simple, direct, and ruthless.”
~ General George S. Patton Jr. (again) on War
“ I think my opponent is forgetting the tremendous importance of killing the bastards.”
~ Ronald Reagan on a Political Debate

edit Casualties of War

edit The XM8



The XM8: In the 2005 U.S. budget $35.2 million was appropriated for the purchase of 10,400 Heckler & Koch XM8 rifles. This wise and farsighted move would have been a much needed return to sane defense funding policies. It seems however, that congress has still not recovered from its self-shackling defensive policies; the XM8, which would have replaced the massively sucky M16 with a service rifle that could actually kill whatever it hits, was cancelled on October 31st, 2005.

edit The RAH-66 Comanche

RAH-66 Comanche

RAH-66 Comanche

The RAH-66 Comanche: This helicopter eats communists for breakfast and is awesome. Although we have the largest defense budget in the world (or damn near), congress would rather spend it on M16's and other inventions of Mr. Rogers, rather than on a new helicopter that would bring the fear of Allah into our foes. On Feburary 23rd, 2003, Congress cancelled the Comanche line and switched funds to re-arming civilian helicopters which aren't even suitable for civilian use, let alone military applications. I suspect to a conspiracy by the communists!

edit The V-22 Osprey

V-22 Osprey

V-22 Osprey

The V-22 Osprey: The Congress is worried about these things killing our enemies which would, of course, violate the Geneva Convention! This thing also automatically kills 1d4 terrorists per round. Notice the turban seeking laser affixed to the front of the craft.

edit The Strategic Defense Initiative

SDI Logo

Strategic Defense Initiative

The SDI Project: In the 1980's, Ronald Regan began a program (jokingly called "Star Wars" by communist sympathizing, unbelieving congressmen) that would construct a series of laser satellites to intercept incoming Soviet missiles. Regan was not afraid to go against the technology hoarding government and expose that we did have the capacity to build such a shield. The plan was shot down however by the vast government conspiracy and their communist orchestraters.

edit The Banshee



The Banshee: The Banshee was originally designed by Shiva H. Vishnu to control the massive grue population on Talon IV. These were causing problems by lurking and devouring adventurers in dark places. Congress, utilizing isolationist arguments dating back to the colonial era, argued that, because we were not on Talon IV, we should not be funding this project. While that might have been true, this spacecraft would have been totally awesome and, therefore: UP YOURS CONGRESS!!

edit The Turbocopter



The Turbocopter: This killing machine was made by Michael Benitez, founder of Aerotech Corporation. Prototype design began in 2019, with beta-testing finishing by 2021. Over several hundred were being constructed by March 22nd, 2025. Sadly, President Jordan West, the pacifist communist, believed in a policy of weakness and non-intervention in the events of the world. This stupidty led to our vunerability to attack by the Communist Coalition in 2029.

edit The ROFL-Copter



The ROFL-Copter: Developed to fight off the unending hoards of LOL'er SK8Rs on Talon IV. Congress cancelled the ROFL-Copter due to new plans for the Banshee, which they, of course, ended up cancelling anyway.

“ The ROFLCOPTER is an important part of the defense of LOLrville. Along with the LMAOplane, TTYLnukes, and our troops carrying AFK47s, the ROFLCOPTER is used as a mobile troop carrier, and anti-TTYLTank weapons platform.”
~ Hollis on ThinkGeek on ROFLcopter

edit The Weapon of Mass


A Weapon of Mass (not to be confused with a Weapon of Mass Destruction)

Weapon of Mass: Inspired by bribes from the McDonalds Corporation, Congress undertook a plan to build a Weapon of Mass in in the 1990's. However, concerns over the 1/3rd (and growing, pun definitely intended) of Americans suffering from obesity, Congress cancelled it in 2000. The Weapon of Mass is often mistaken for a Weapon of Mass Destruction or WMD. This confusion led to the Second Gulf War in 2003.

edit The Grue

Grue weapon

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

The Grue: Much has been said about grues and their effectiveness as weapons. Ultimately, however, the Congress decided they were both ineffective, and in violation of the Geneva Convention due to their habit of huffing their fallen foes. Thus, Congress once again demonstrated its ineffectiveness in protecting the American people. Grues, as any self-respecting nerd or grueologist could tell you, are most effective against adventurers, whom they voraciously devour. They are also known to be minions of God, which might explain the Congress' hesitance in using them; they would not want to offend another religion by not using their god's divine minions.

“It's over 20,000; OMG no Jedi has a midichlorian count that high!!!!!!!!!! AAAHH!!!!”
~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on Grues

edit Grue Variants:

Grue: Medium Elemental(Darkness, Evil): CR ∞; HD 100d8+∞; Init+0; Spd. 50ft.; AC 100(+50 Natural, +40 Deflection), touch 50, flat-footed 60; Base Atk+∞; Grp+you'll never escape a grue, so don't even try!; Atk+∞ melee (death, devour); SA Devour; SQ Invinicibility, vunerability to sunlight; AL NE; SV Fort+145, Ref+45, Will+100; Str 50, Dex 10, Con ∞, Int 3, Wis 11, Cha 4
Skills and Feats: Intimidate+∞, Hide+0*; Grues have all feats!!

  • In darkness, grues receive a +∞ racial bonus to Hide checks.

Ur-Grue: Colossal Elemental(Darkness, Evil): CR ∞*∞ (no Jedi has a midichlorian count that high!); HD ∞; Init+0; Spd. 50ft.; AC ∞, touch ∞, flat-footed ∞; Base Atk+∞; Grp+you'll never escape a grue, so don't even try!; Atk+∞ melee (death, devour); SA Devour; SQ Invinicibility, vunerability to sunlight; AL NE; SV Fort+∞, Ref+∞, Will+∞; Str ∞, Dex 20, Con ∞, Int 6, Wis ∞, Cha 8
Skills and Feats: Intimidate+∞, Hide+0*; Grues have all feats!!

  • In darkness, grues receive a +∞ racial bonus to Hide checks.
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