Prog Rock

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Wilhelmscream

A late addition to the Prog Rock scene, Germany's Wilhelm Scream featured traditional airbrushed artwork on their gatefold double album covers, as well as a 38 minute opus to the Battle of Thermopylae.

Atomheart101

The Pink Floyds 1978 Album was panned by PETA.

“I much prefer Brighton Rock, or Blackpool if I can't get any of that”
~ Noel Coward on Prog Rock

Prog Rock (not to be confused with Prod rock) was a particularly widespread, mainly airborne, virus, which is thought to be mostly under control now in the civilised world. Strains such as Genesis, King Crimson and the much later Marillion were rife amongst the disaffected, Pseudointellectual (mainly male) youth, much as the Grunge virus of the early 90's became to deadly effect. Most Prog Rock bands only lasted a limited time, band members often breaking up due to musical similarities.

Sometimes referred to as "Prague Rock" due to its roots in Czechloslovakian Folk Music, progressive rock rebelled against the more popular regressive rock, in which artists would work backwards, from material about self actualization and to political philosophy, to songs like "Work Sucks", "School Sucks", "I Want My Mommy" and finally "Gurgle Gurgle". In short, progressive rock groups decided to stop writing three-minute songs about sex and instead wrote ten-minute songs about nothing at all.

And remember: if we'd had CDs in 1967, "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida" would have been seventy-five goddamn minutes long.

Origins of Prog Rock

Prog rock was first founded when some racist Europeans decided they had it with that rock music based on nigger blues and decided to create rock music based on Aryan classical music. Just like Hitler they were hugely popular at their heyday, but as soon as they tried too hard they were thrown in the trashcan, only to be talked about with shame.

With their love for the flamboyant and theatrical Prog Rock soon cut a colourful swave through the music scene, as long haired youths nodded knowingly into pints of guinness and light ales worldwide, whilst discussing the musical virtuosity of Karn Evil 9, or the sheer genius of a 27 minute Mellotron solo.

Symptoms of Prog Rock

Symptoms include -

  • 27 minute song composition
  • keyboard solos
  • "creative" hairstylings
  • ability to understand EXACTLY what Peter Gabriel was talking about

If you feel you may be suffering from any of these symptoms we advise you to seek medical help immediately.

WARNING: Latest Research has shown possible links between the spread of Prog Rock and Kitten Huffing. Remember kids, JUST SAY NO!

The Progressive Rock Article Suite I-III

Part I: The Definition

Progressive Rock
What It Is?
It Can't Really Be Defined
Which Leads to Long Battles Boring As Hell Battles Between Nerds
"What Is Prog
And What Is Not"

The Truth Lies
Beyond
The Faraway Galaxies

There's Something On The Loose
Yesterday I Found A Moose... Or Should It Be Goose?
Or Geese Or Meese, Caboose Or Cabeese,
The Mice In The Hice, And The Grouse In The House
Your mother Jumped Over a Fence
Yes, This Doesn't Make any Fuckin' Sense

Anyways, 'Does Anyone Have Any Good Pot Around Here?'
Will Be My Epitaph
Right On! Pizza's Here!!

In other words Progressive Rock is like Drugs, Drugs, Rock & Roll, Drugs and Spam! (see Jethro Tull for more)

Part II: We Are the Children of Eternal Light / The Author Still Doesn't Have Any Imagination to Come Up With Something Funny, Including 'The Cleaning of the Underwear Drawer', and 'Cthulhu's Lament (in $ flat Sergeant-Major, with change)' (The Development section) in 11/8, 9/8, 5/4, π/7, 9/16, 16mm and acid

guitar solo (about ten minutes)
synth solo (about ten minutes)

Well, At Least the Keyboardist Must Wear a Cape.

bass solo (about two seconds/five notes)
drum solo (two minutes, nineteen seconds, by law)
other guitar solo (about fifteen more minutes)
random jamming w/ incoherent lyrics about quantum panties, and audible snoring of the Sound Engineer in the background (about twenty minutes)

Part III: The Definition (Reprise in Five)


Progr     essiv     eRock     WhatI     tIs?I

tCan'     tReal     lyBeD     efine     dWhic

hLead     stoLo     ngBat     tlesB     oring

AsHel     lBatt     lesBe     tween     Nerds

"What     IsPro     gAndW     hatIs     Not"


Coda: T-T-T-T-T-That's All Folks! (featuring vocalist: Porky Pig)

expressionistic soundscapes (or: the Sound Engineer yawns, farts, scratches his stomach, walks into the playing room, missteps on the dwarfed flutist of the band because of thick smoke covering the room and falls on the drum set cursing like a seaman)

"Well At Least It's Fucking Boring And Corny!" - Mr. Obvious (1974)

(fanfares and fade out)

(unfortunately (or not, depending on your preference,) the recorder ran out of tape 17 minutes before the band stopped playing)

Tabulature

Band: Uncyclopediarium
Song:  The Progressive Rock Article Suite Intro

.  - palm mute           /  - slide up to
\  - slide down to       ~  - vibrato
h  - hammer on           b  - Bend
p  - pull off               Suffixes for bend
t  - tap                    f  - full bend     h - half bend  
ph - pinched harmonic       q  - quarter bend  t - tap bend   
*  - see comment            ^  - Hold bend     r - release bend
x  - Stuccatto              ~  - vibrato bend  e - bend with string breaking
S  - Stutter                g  - get bent
,  - slight palm mute     () - ghost note, sustained note
"  - tremolo note         <> - Trill
%  - pose                 &  - pluck with an eyebrow 
U  - unintentional action Y  - really unintentional action
@  - bang the guitar against the monitor
!  - run in circles, waving the guitar in the air 
     while uncontrollably picking the strings
u  - untie vocalist's hair from strings
T  - try to tune the string, unsuccessfully
s  - soil yourself on cue and call it avant-garde
F  - set fire to drummer

WARNING: Do not try playing the guitar by banging the strings with your nuts!

       (silence actually due to the fact that the guitarist is missing)
e ||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|

                                           sound eng: snorting 
e ||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|

        drums: rabadabadam bamdam
e ||-------------------|---------U0--------|-0-----------0-----|-0------------0----|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|---6-----6----6----|---6bf^^^^^r-------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-----0-----0----0--|-----565-65--------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------7----------7|--------4----------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-8-----------8-----|-8-----------Y9----|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|------------U0-----|-------------------|

                          drums: dumdurum dumdum           vocal: D A Ab Wb Щ#
e ||-6\0/7-------------|-5\4---------------|-0-----------%-----|----2--3\2---3-5---|
B#||-------3\0/4\pi----|---4/5-------------|-2U,-3h22Y,--%-----|-----3--4\3-2------|
Hb||-------------------|-----3\i-----------|-0U,----3Y,--%-----|------2----3--4----|
Db||-------------------|--------&5\&4------|-2U.---------%-----|--0-------4---5---T|
A#||-------------------|-------------&3h2--|-0U.---------%-----|---1---------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-0U,---------%-----|-------------------|

                sixth string: Zb J# µb @!^#* ouch, it hurts [goes to her mom]
e ||-1\2---4--4--------|-3---5-3-3\2-------|-16h14---10\2------|-24h23-----23h20---|
B#||---2--3-2----------|--4-4-34----3\4----|----15h10---3h4----|-----16h12---------|
Hb||---3\2--3----------|---2--4-------24h23|--------------14h5-|---------7h5--8h6--|
Cb||------4----2-------|----4-5------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||---------5--2------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-----------2-2be   |                   |                   |                   |

        drums: undistinguishable from line noise    audience: [wakes up]
e ||-24-----------!--!-|-!20--------@6--@-@|@Googol@--@--0-----|--Y8--7h3----------|
B#||--23h20---23---!-!-|---!---------@3-@--|-@                 |                   |
Hb||--22---22h20----!--|---!-!!!u----@4@-@4|--@8--@-@          |                  F|
Cb||---------------!---|-!--!---u---@-2@@2-|--@5-@-@-@---0-----|--Y9h5---7b~e      |
A#||---------------!-!-|-!--!---u-----@69--|----@20@-----------|-------------------|
Bb||                   |                   |                   |                   |

Bankruptcy

One common side effect of Progressive Rock is bankruptcy. This can be caused by the following:

  • Touring with a 50/9 - piece orchestra
  • Utilizing 37 studio musicians
  • Why does your keyboard player have 27 keyboards and an electronic percussion set-up? Why does your guitar player have 15 guitars up on stage? Why does your singer need to play the Mandolin? Can't he just sing? And why is your drummer using a set that would make Neil Peart hold a garage sale?
  • Roger Waters
  • Holding a concert on a floating stage in Venice.

Most of this can be alleviated by contracting a different virus such as Punk or Indie.

See Also

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