Prog Archives

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“WTF? A whole site for the WHOLE thing?? Damn!”
“the whole point of this website is to receive comments from noobs and conquer the minds of stupid people”
~ User number #34567 on Himself
“ There is no thing such as The Oscar Wilde Blood-Sucking Metal Band, no, wait...there is!It just slip my mind for a second”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Oscar Wilde Blood-Sucking Metal Band
“In Soviet Russia Prog Rock plays You!”
~ Russian reversal on You
“The Most Prolific Top 100 Reviewer List MUST STAY!!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde


Prog Archives is a page dedicated to mind blowing, awesome, Roger Waters, Prog Rock. As we know, prog rock is a style that includes weird tempo changes, dark chords, mellotrons, voices in the background, as well as walls, furry animals, may queens, octavariums, hot rats and 21st Century schizoid men.

This site shows the main characteristics of Prog Rock, links to different bands, albums, ratings and other stuff like forums discusing topics such as "Why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972" or "Are frogs considered primates?" It includes variated styles of blowing people's heads out to the sky.

Famous Archives Users in the Shred Thread

Eyeii2
Ricochet's AVATAR
GayEllis
AtomicCrimsonRush's AVATAR is a purple haired vixen

If you hunt you will find obscure users such as those who frequent THE SHRED, such as A Person, Slartibartfast, colorofmoney91, aginor, rushfan4, Lizzy, Vompatti, Henry Plainview, AtomicCrimsonRush, KoS, Triceratopsoil, darkshade, Anthony H, Polo, The Truth (more important than DisgruntledPorcupine, despite later comments), SaltyJon, SolarLuna96, Epignosis, Deathrabbit, Ricochet, progkidjoel, irrelevant, Horizons, The Gazzardian, CCVP, NecronCommander, and most notably, DisgruntledPorcupine. A new comer, Smartpatrol attacted the forums in April. His attack continued for several months, and most of the aforementioned users left or reduced their use of the site drastically. If you want to know how to speak to these strange progfreaks just mention that the bands Magma, Kayo Dot, and Frank Zappa suck. Sooner or later one of them will bite.

Now if you log on you may be surprised that there is a thread dedicated to this very website entry and the comments are rather, shall we say, interesting...

If you visit this website make sure to send a Private Message to "Equality 7-2521" saying how a chunk of his income comes from tax payers, and you are proud he is such a noble government employee.

SunflowerwithTeeth
A Flower?

Survivors

Survivors are a special kind of poll where you vote your least favourite song off albums, and eventually by the band, to determining what is their OBJECTIVE best song. They were introduced to the forum by DisgruntledPorcupine (with help from darkshade, Epignosis and geneyesontle) in mid February of 2012, and within a week made up for 95.6% of the forums total polls. DP introduced them in an attempt to control the poll section, in which the tournament would spread like a virus to other sections until DP's influence was known and he would have control over the entire forum. He would then change progarchives into a site dedicated to conversing about porcupines and the feeling of disgruntlement (with some room for darkness and shades as well).

Prog Archives creative section

Gary Numan - 1980 - Telekon - front
Numan is PROG but nobody will believe him.


It is well known that the members of the website do get together often in the Just For Fun section and occasionally come up with some fun stuff. An example is the thread where they created their own song one verse at a time. The final result was a very strange piece as follows in this extract. The entire song is over 75 pages long over the duration of the thread.

By EPICOLUCULOUS O)))

Track 2 “THE AMAZING WONDEROUS STORY” 



This epic includes Robots, male and female choirs, weird eclectic experimental solos and of course loads of characters including the Minstrel, Wombats, multi coloured Queens, Beavers, Turkeys, Mad Max characters, Magma voices, Gnomes, Court Jester, Fiddler, Nerd, Girl in Berlin, Black Knight, White Knight, The Fireman, and others!


By EPICOLUCULOUS O)))

THE AMAZING WONDEROUS STORY

(fade in very slow mellotron)

She awakened as the dawn was breakin' She went outside and started rakin' Choir: As she raked the leaves did shake! (Low organ pedal-point, making the ground shake)

Robotic Voice:

        SHAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
      SHAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
    SHAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
  SHAKE!

SHAKE!

Huge bombastic choir with metallic voices: Here come the Robots and they will destroy you Here come the Robots and they will annoy you And the Anabaptists they will employ you And the atheists they will encoil you

And the cannibals will boil you!

Choir: In Boiling oil in boiling oil they will boil they will boil In Boiling oil in boiling oil they will boil they will boil In Boiling oil in boiling oil they will boil they will boil In Boiling oil in boiling oil they will boil they will booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooil!!!!!!!!!!!

Weeping willows, mourning flowers tremble in the morning hours Watch the giant serpents coiling Terror! Hark! The soil is boiling!

Incandescent neon lights brighten up my winter nights the fire has burnt a lonely mark upon my unrepentant dark I look above and see a shining light and it is beckoning

My underwhelming institution understands the reckoning

Tells me where i need to go and now i need to take control

And as i bite the hand that feeds me she’s about to break her hold


Let go! And leave it all behind? I have been deaf, I have been blind I’m loosening the nuts, and she slips back to unreality

tragedy follows me to an eternity inside the flight of insecurity is nothing more than i can hide i must be blind she is leaving me for an existence dark and as i fade awy to tears the spell of love has burned its mark


When is the final song posted?

This is the second song (Choir: The second soooonnnggg!!!) The first one was posted on Page 20 (Choir: Twenty!!!)

(echo voiced backmasked): Turn Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack the music is reversible but time is noooooooooooooooooooooot tuuuuuuuuuurn baaaaaaaaaaaaaack! tuuuuuuuuuuuuurn baaaaaaaaaaaaaccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot turn back! I must go forward!

Female Soprano Choir: He must go forward! Forward he must! Ashes to Ashes Fun to Dust Try as he might, try as he must! He must go forward and never to rust!

I will start the first song soon enough.

Chorus: hooooow can you start the first song wheeeeeen it's already finiiiiiiiiished?!

Feasting on the introspective moon Hailing August after June Making this a disaster Seeing time moving faster

Arriving at the gates of dawn I rise and shine and yawn It’s time to mow the lawn!

I turn on the mower and it roars to life The grass is annihilated Cut with a knife

Choir (whispering): Sssslasssshhhhh

The blades of the mower go gradually slower The grass is all gone, The battle is won.

Choir: Hail the mighty blades of death Cutting faster, sinking depth Engine churns defeating grass (female spoken): What’s the next verse, may I ask?

I look above and I see a glider swooping by, a hypnotic spider the land is frozen, crops are dusted spraying poison, eyes adjusted

In this dark hour I await the eternal plague of fate as poison enters in my brain I cry out but it’s all in vein


Female Choir: He adjusted his eyes, and to his surprise he saw a glider, looking like a spider

Male Choir: making shadows on the land, Taking life into his hands Feeling death crawl into him, Then he faded to nothing

Female and Male Choir together: Noooooooooooothiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiiiing Noooooooooooothiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiiiing awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I see the most disturbing things: Monster pigs with crimson wings A bible black angel arises and sings:

Choir: Hail the mighty blades of death They met their mark they found their depth The mower a weapon, now blood is shed

(female spoken): What do we do now that we’re dead?


choir: WTF UR SPOSED TO POUST UN LAIN ATTATAIM!1!!1

The bible black angel emerges and cries:

"The Lord of the Rings is the Lord of the Flies! The Lord of the Skies is the Lord of the Rings!"

A crimson-winged pig’s moving upwards and sings:

ALL CHANGE!

(a sudden jump from F# minor to Eb major)

The Minstrel: The piper takes his fife The looter takes his wife The girl is young and cute The piper plays his flute The looter plays his loot

(lute solo)

The sinner takes it all, the looter standing tall


choir: It's really not a question of how long it is, the only thing that matters is that it's exactly one (1) line and not any more which basically means that you're not supposed to cut it like that . . . or else.

(Two percussion quartets (one with tuned instruments and the other with drums) do musical battle on opposite sides of the stage)

Prog + Star Trek + Screams = I don't get how the next lyric isn't

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN


Choir: (all) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! (men) Oh (all, with Eb major chord on church organ) KHAAAAAAA....AAAAAAAN!!!

(Meatloaf voice) Well, as I'm recording it, let me at least pick the scale, mr. fail. I'm the father of all living things, all awesome stuff, the hope I bring, NOW you're envying!

'He's STILL recording it?' said the man in white

Choir: Still recording it, still affording it, day and night

In Day time your pyramid of love, In night time your spirit shows that i love And I looooove, Oh I love.... you to show..... me the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!


Let’s count!

One-lining wombats, two-timing tomcats

Let’s count!

One-lining wombats, two-timing tomcats

Five: men with high hats, six: jazzy sextets

Sexy jazz pets!

Messy mad rats!


Messy mad rats poopin' all o'er 'cos they can!

Choir: Yes they caaaaaaaaaaaan! Oh, yes they can!

It's because they eat alotof fibre drink alotof water & exercise regularly.

But wombats don’t!

choir: Rats do, rats do, rats dooooooooo, but wombats doooooooon't!

Sludgy guitar break)

the wombat: Those filthy, healthy( Censored) I feel like slaughtering them all!

The rats: Come here little wombat, and we'll take you deep into the sewers and abuse you!

The wombats: Come here, little rat, and we’ll take you to the fairground to amuse you!

choir: HE WAS TOO LATE!!!

(Interlude: Yodeling and the sound of 100,000 marching ants.)

Well well well that's just swell! I have to record 100,000 marching ants down by the wishing well...

You can record one ant and multiply it by 100,000.

Male choir: Gone Chopin, Bach in a minute! Female choir: Tried Handel, thought you were Haydn!

Shemale choir: Shostakovich ftw!!!

Morten Harket: Count on me Count me on I'll be gone In a day or 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 trumpets blowin’ 8 rolling stones.

No, not at all.

I hate you.

Choir: We luv ya!

Wombat: me?

You.

And the wombat shied away and softly mumbled something that nobody could hear.

I NEAD TO GOU TO TEH UNIVRESITI NAU ALTHUGH TEH MUSLES OF MY STOMACH R STIL A BIT SOOR FROM AL TEH DEFCETON ATEMPS K?

James LaBrie: Goodbye (sampled from ACOS)

I tremble and dance as the boojums advance

[Fairlight Synthesizer bottle-blowing sounds]

(A voice from void) -This is the most LOL game I have ever seen!

Choir: That he has ever seen!

If it’s pop, it must be LOL-ee-pop.

Choir: but you always hear them saaaaaaay, OH MY GNOME!!!!!!

Funny, I don't.

I should murder you.

You're doing it all the time . . . so slowly that it hurts.

Wombat, I'm sorry but I just can't resist!

One day I will find you and make you suffer.

As if you could reach me... you can't reach anything in life.

Neither could Johann Georg Hamann . . . or so I've heard.

Choir: stop talking about others *sound of hand hitting wombat's cheek*, let's talk about YOU!!!!

There's nothing worth mentioning about me.

He was just a wombat, a scum of the streets.

Whenever he passed by people kicked him with their feets.

Censored bit

No wombats were harmed in the making of this song.

Intense sound of wombat in extreme pain)

choir: Kill the poor thing!

But the wombat flew away and got hit by a meteor.

Wombats can't fly, you fool!

Never heard of the Much Bigger, Scarier And Wombatier Than The Big Scary Wombat Demon Demon?

That demon is only partly a wombat.

Choir: SO WUUUUUUUUT?

So the fact that the demon can fly doesn't implicate that there are wombats that can fly. But I bet there are wombats that can fly.

Prove it.

I’m too lazy.

I knew it.

You know NOTHING!

Who died and made you the epistemologist?

What lived thorugh the quarantine and killed all passengers onboard?

Choir: This song is so wrong Female Soprano: It's going nowhere! Male: There are too many references to silly things Choir: This song is too long Female Soprano: Its beginning to scare Male: I would rather sing about the Queen and Kings

Styles

  • Synthphonic prog
  • Polyphonic prog
  • Crossfire prog (old fart rock)
  • Eclesiastic prog
  • Heavy prog (not to be confused with Healthy frog)
  • Not-really-prog (not to be confused with "Not related to a frog")
  • Proggish (not to be confused with Irish frogs)
  • James Blunt prog
  • Epileptic Prog
  • Progressive Mental
  • Alien Prog
  • Proto-Prog(not to be confused with protozoo frog)
  • Psychotic-Spice rock.
  • Arithmetic/Bulletin Prog
  • Related to Prog but not AOR
  • Punk Prog
  • Sleaze Prog
  • Bieber hate club Prog
  • Atomic Prog

Synthphonic Prog

This style is the ultimate prog. It consists of prog bands/artists that played rock in a way that was pretty symphonic, that is to say that they took violins and cellos and turned them into guitars and drums via magic. It also includes keyboards, mainly the synth. A lot of bands were synthessious and symphonic at the same time, so they were called "synthphonic". It is said that if you plug a guitar to a radio and then put it in a microwave, you can hear the words "I'll be the Roundabout", pronounced by Al Gore. Other artists claim that you can also levitate. Bands included here can either be very symphoniousious and synthcrosious at the same time (eg. Camel and The Marlon Brando Band of Merry Men), only symphonic or some people who used syths a lot such as varius DJs and people working in different factories and Brian Eno. This is the mind sucking music 70's bands used to do, such as:

  • Genesis (not to be confused with Sui Generis or Genegig)
    PeterGabriel1974
    Apocalypse, Genesis satanic Former singer
  • Brian Eno
  • Yone Trip
  • Yes
  • No
  • Perhaps, but only on Wednesdays
  • Emerson, Lake and Palmer
  • Eberson, Take and Paulmer
  • Paul Oakenfold
  • The Marlon Brando Band of Merry Men
  • Marlon Brando's Band of Merry Men (without Marlon Brando)
  • Phil Collins's brother
  • Steve Hackett's Departure
  • Brother Collin
  • Subsequential Paradise by the Dashboard Lights
  • Prog Frogs
  • Beard
  • Breed
  • King Crimson
  • Kim-Jong-Ill
  • Camel
  • People working in different factories.
  • Jethro Tull (not to be confused with Jealous Bull)
  • Jethro Tull (no, that guy from the 18th century that made some seed thing I think)
  • Setro Toll
  • Kethro Tell
  • Ketro Tal

Key albums

  • In Da Kart Ou Du Toillete (King Crimson/1969) rating: 6.3142547137459237593475/5
  • Thick as a prick (Jethro tull/1972) rating: 5.89/5 stars
  • Selling England by the pound (Genesis/1973) rating: 4.98/5
  • I've selled my new land for a pound (Genegig/1974) rating: 4.09/5
  • Close to Bono (Yes/1971) rating: 4.06/5
  • My Fairy God-uncle (Brother Collin/1967) raiting:4.891/5
  • Setro Toll III (Setro Toll/1970) raiting: 4.57/5
  • Kethro Tell Live I (Kethro Tell/1972) raiting: 4.99001/5
  • Marlon Brando is the man (Marlon Brando's Band of Merry Men (without Marlon Brando)/1989) raiting: 3.98/5
  • This is a bitch (People working in different factories/1981) raiting: 0.98/5
  • Imma Chargin Ma Lazah! (Orange guy screaming/2050) rating: 0/0
  • The Human Maths Equation (Ayreon) rating 11/5
  • Dark Slide of the Spoon (Who's Pink?) rating infinity/5

math not prog

This type of prog ditches all the masturbatory techinique founded by the wizards and druids of the keyboards but keeps the odd time signatures like 52/4 and 9/17

  • The Police
  • Deaf To Van Gogh's Ear
  • Bullz
  • Jew-pitta & The Matt zoes
  • Deityslow Me White Peasant

Key Albums

  • Discow E.P. (Deaf To Van Gogh's Ear/2004) rating: 4.5/4
  • Reg-ay (The Police/1984) rating: 1/5

Polyphonic Prog

This is a type of prog that can either consist of choirs or mellotron cannons, or just music written on mobile phones (e.g. polyphonic ringtones and cowbell melodies). Very few bands actually do this style.

Key Albums

  • Cowbells, cowbells and more cowbells (Cowbell dude/1981)rating: 6.79/5 stars
  • The Cowbell dude (The Movistar personnel/2007) rating: 4.21/5
  • The hideous hits (concept album) (Kraftwerk/1978)rating:4.61/5
  • Electrolisis (Gary Numan/1984) rating: -2.89/5

Crossfire prog

Crossfire prog contains bands that, although 100% progressive, may have some connection with popular music, or may have burst into flames, thus giving it the "cross-FIRE" tag. This was created when Supertramp (initially a symphonic prog band) released their hit single "Dreamer"(containing "My strawberry bush" on side b). Their fans thought they'd sold out, but Roger Hodgson claimed: "We didn't sell out...we just want our music to reach pop-jerks to make more money". The difference between this and selling out is debatable. Years later, someone claimed that Supertramp's case was the one of a fully progressive band that wanted to reach the mainstream audience. That's why they are included in this sub-genre. The other reason of their inclusion is that, when their hit single came out, a lot of prog fans set fire to it, to show their disapproval. Other bands' discographies have crossed fire many times, due to this same reason. Prog Archives has collected this records from the fire, cleaned them and put them in the market again...hoping no further burning ocurrs.

This category had its name changed from Fart Rock to Crossfire prog, because it caused quarrels among experts, claiming that it was not 100% accurate to call it Fart Rock, since not all fires were lit by intense farting.
FireIce
Crossfiring in the 90's was really frequent

Bands include:

  • Supertramp (not to be confused with "Superman trap")
  • Mike Oldfield (not to be confused with 'my coal field')
  • The Moody Blues(not be confused "The Monday Shoes")
  • Tony Banks
  • John Oboiste(whose albums in the 80's were all burnt by old fans, especially "A Guitar Way to Throw", in 1985)
  • Bris Walter(whose most burnt record was "Pop Tart & a Guitar to Throw Away")
  • Back Walkman
  • Buzz Yogurtlight (not to be confused with Buzz Lightyear nor with Boz Burrell)
  • Phil Collins's more popular brother than the one featuring in Synthphonic prog.
  • Marillion
  • Ice Cube Crossfired many times, as seen in picture.
  • Maroon 5 (though their progressiveness is debatable, all of their records have been burnt at one time or another, by everyone of us).

Key Albums

  • Crime of the Century (Supertramp/1974)rating:5.02/5
  • A Curious Feeling (Tony Banks/1979) rating: 4.01/5
  • I'm more popular than my brother, but not as popular as my more popular brother, whom you all know (Phil Collins's more popular brother than the one featuring in Synthphonic prog/2005)rating:78.98/5
  • Our singer doesn't sound like Jon Anderson (Glass Hammer/2023) rating:2.3333333333333333333333333333331/5
  • Into the Future (The Moody Blues/2019) rating: 4.9987.67&1987.78/5....$
  • A Slash (John Oboiste/1976) rating:4.77/5
  • Phantom Afternoons (John Oboiste/1979) rating: 4.89/5
  • Back to the String Tour '82 (John Oboiste/2005) rating:4.33332/5
  • The trip of the Archibald Right(not to be confused with "The Voyage of the Acolyte") (Bris Walter/ 1975) rating:103/5
  • This Love (Gisel, good-bye) (Maroon 5/2005)rating:-28.90/5
  • I do not sound like Peter Gabriel (Marillion/ 1984) rating: 6.09/5

Eclesiastic Prog

This is a subdivision from Fart Rock. Bands in here were taken out of the F.R category because they didn't have any connection to popular music whatsoever and all had certain relegious contents in their music (most bands here are actually formed by priests or monks). This style came from the high mountains of Nonthapting, were Monsenior Beckenburgerbauer started writing lyrics based on visions he had of the Apocalypse and was accompained by his monks, who played percussion on some rocks or skeleton remains of dead priests. Such bands include:

  • Holy Henry Cow
  • Brother Maynard
  • The Monsenior Beckenburgerbauer project
  • St. Elmo
  • St. Simon & Graaf-funk-el
  • Neal Morse
  • Randy George
  • The Churchills
  • The Priests of Mont Herlom
  • Procession
  • A walk with a priest
  • I'm a priest, I'm your king, I'm a saint

Key Albums

  • Sola Scriptura (Neal Morse/2007) rating: 56.908/5
  • Walk in Procession (Procession/1974) rating: 4.09/5
  • Walk like a Procession (A walk with a priest/2155) rating:7.8/5
  • Hey, stop walkin'! (Procession/ 1976) rating: 3.56/5
  • Keep Walkin in procession (A walk with a priest/2156) rating: 4.99/5
  • Fkuc "A walk with a priest" (Procession/1977) rating: 5/5
  • Apocalypse (based on The Apocalypse) (The Monsenior Beckenburgerbauer project/1420) rating: 16.78/5
  • God is my Pooper Scooper (Fallen Angel Turds/1982) still not rated
  • Clockwork Angles (Rash/ 2012) rated highly but this may change over duration as people really realise it's true intentions.
  • Flower Kids do it again (Flower Kiddies/ 2012) Rated 5 stars which may change when everyone realises its just trash.

Heavy Prog

Heavy Prog defines progressive rock music that draws as much influence from hard rock as it does from "thrown away to the trash" beavers. Although heavy prog has caused much controversy , some pepole think it is, somehow, related to healthy frogs. This association is, of course, erroneous. It is, however, very common that people confuse the term "Heavy Prog" with "Healthy Frog", but this is, may I repeat, a complete misunderstanding. So it is, thus, a terrible mistake to relate this music style with amphibian health conditions. You shan't mistake Prog Rock that is heavier with frogs that can breath normally and live happily without having to suffer diseases. Mistake Heavy Prog with Healthy Frog is what individuals (like you or myself) shall not, by any means, do. So, thus, consider yourself informed that thinking heavy prog and healthy frog are the same thing is a complete misconception. Anyway, bands included here can either be 70's prog bands highly influenced by hard rock or late 80's/90's bands that are more influenced by heavy metal. Rush, for example, was a progressive rock act that got hit by a very hard stone (or rock) in 1973. It was then confirmed by Geddy Lee that the rock was incredibly heavy. This same stone was to hit Queensrÿche and Dream Theater in the mid 80's. Bands include:

  • Rush
  • Baku Llama (with Barack Obama)
  • Flush
  • The Mars Volta (not to be confused with John Travolta)
  • Queensrÿche
  • Dream Theater (not to be confused with Drum Theatre)
  • Fates Warning (not to be confused with Fatez Uarnin)
  • Pain of Salvation (feel free to confuse it with Pain of Starvation, it's actually one and the same)
  • Zed Leppelin
  • Ozzy Oscorp
  • Grover
  • Anathema
  • Coheed and Cambria

Key Albums

  • Da Noob Cummin On Da Latina! (Mars volta/2002) rating: 42.2.../5
  • In the bed with david and goliath(giant penis) (Mars volta/2007) rating: 69/69
  • Live Scenes from Newark (Dream Theater/2001) rating: 55.11/5
  • Octafingers (Masterbatory Dream/2007) rating: ~64.68564321/5
  • My Chops are Better than Yours (Spooge Theater/2009) rating: 99.999%/5
  • Be (Pain of Salvation/2004) rating: 4.68/5
  • Operation Nursery Cryme (Queensrÿche/1989) rating: 6.20/5
  • 2111112 (Rush/1976) rating: 2112/5
  • Hold Your Helium (Rush/1986) rating: 1.67/5
  • W/C (Flush/1977) rating: 4.52/5


Zeichen 101 DANGER!!  
Abusive Progressive Rock listening can lead your head to A SPLODE!!!! Nevertheless, Jimmy Hendrix, JIm Morrison, Grover and Ned's Lizard will congratulate you for trying to do it without dying.

Not-really-Prog/ Proggish

This category includes bands that are actually, not really prog at all. The Proggish style begun into the early 1970s, when bands like Queen, Roxy Music and Led Zeppelin took some stuff they didn't really understand from real prog and added it to their music because of peer pressure. Other proggish bands came out like Iron Maiden (who are pretty much metal, but share some traits with prog, such as extreme mellotronning), and dudes from real prog bands went solo, like David Gilmour, Jon Lord, Santa Claus, Leutennant Steve and Andrew Lloyd Webber. The entire purpose of this section is a failed attempt to make it seem like a lot of popular music is actually prog when it is obviously not and is generally a waste of space and time. Bands include:

Key Albums

  • Queen II (Queen/1974) rating: 5.44/5
  • Led Zeppelin IV (or Soso, or ZaZi, or WTF? or Whateveryoumightcallit) (Led Zeppelin/1971) rating: 20.67/5
  • Face Value (Phil Collins/1981) rating: 2.87/5
  • I broke my fucking fingers (Andrew Lloyd Webber/1992) rating: 4.23/5
  • A distastrous play (Andrew Lloyd Webber/2007) rating:4.76/5
  • Pet Samatary (The Ramones/1987) rating: -1.89/5
  • We're so gay (Erasure/1985) rating:-1344/5
  • I am not Madonna, I am Ozzy Osbourne! (Luetennant Steve/ 1991) rating: 6.45/5
  • Jingle Bells (Santa Claus/somewhere in time) rating: 44.13/5

James Blunt Prog

Now, this is an odd one. To begin with, we have to know who James Blunt is to understand what we are actually talking about when we say "James Blunt Prog". James started his career aspiring to be a huge pop star. He released his single "you're beautiful" sometime in the 2000s and gained much success. Then, he noticed that that was the only song of his that people actually listened to. Shortly after that, he realised he was just another one-hit-wonder. Thus, he went away to the catacumbs of "Wellyabetercumopuithsumthin" and stayed there for about 267 days. There he composed music using nothing else but old and broken cowbells dropped on the way by various ass-backpackers. He had iniciated a new, progressive sound. It was different from normal prog...it was, in fact different from music, itself. His style was so James Blunt, that he decided to call it "James Blunt Prog".

Key Albums

  • James Blunt's James Blunt way of playing James Blunt music (James Blunt/ 2007)rating: 4.56/5
  • Pharashootz (Coldplay/2007) rating: 4.2/5

Epileptic Prog

This category is filled up by bands that, using their music, make you suffer instant epilepsy attacks every 2 and 1/56 hours on the same day. This music is, somewhat obsolete in the media because all of the countries in the world, except, of course, the Cannibal United Butt-heads Alliance (a.k.a. CUBA), have prohibited it for the extremeasploding of peoples' heads. Bands included are:

  • Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention
  • Captain Beefheart's Band of Merry Men
  • Fantomas
  • Gabriel Recoleta (not to be confused with Peter Gabriel or The Recoleta Asswipes
  • The Progressive Renga (not to be confused with La Renga)
  • Phil Collins's Unrecognized Brother
  • Phil Collins's Brother-in-Law
  • The Progressive Abuelos de la Nada (not to be confused with Abbey Road)
  • Christopher Walken & His Comments
  • The Betels (not to be confused with Pink Floyd
  • Frank Zappa with Father Inventor (see Eclesiastic Prog)
  • Severed Corpus Callosum (Also called S.C.C.)


Key Albums

  • How much cocaine do you need to kill a Horse? (Gabriel Recoleta/1970) rating: infinite/5
  • Captain Beefheart's Band of Merry Men pt. I: Enduring the Painless enema (Captain Beefheart's Band of Merry Men/1975) rating: 6.0923478/5
  • DNA proof (Phil Collins's Unrecognized Brother/2004) rating: 0+65/12
  • My Sister is Phil Collins's 56th wife (The Progressive Abuelos de la Nada/1985) rating: ratin' crazin'/5
  • More Cowbell (Christopher Walken/ 2016) rating: 8+Q/5
  • I know Our Name Sounds like Deep Purple, but we are Another Band (The Betels/ 1978) rating: 4.21/5
  • Right Hand Says What Left Hand (Severed Corpus Callosum/Date Unknown) Rating PG-13

Progressive Mental

Progressive mental defines bands that draw as much influence from prog as they do from metal, but were taken away from the Heavy Prog (not to be confused with Healthy Frog) category because of various reasons. Firstly, the term Heavy Prog is a combination between Heavy Metal and Progressive Rock. The sound was pretty much prog only that heavy, that is why it was decided to use the word "heavy" rather than "metal". In opposition, this bands use to concentrate more on the "metal" aspect of heavy metal, to show their music is made of pure solid metal ( we can identify some of these bands for the use of metal underwear, usually over their pants, and sometimes even whole metal asses). But this genre is not called "prog metal", it is called "prog meNtal". This is due to the severely problematic state of mental health that this bands posses (or at least show in their music). They include such elements as really dirty distored guitars, Cookie Monster vocals or agonizing insect vocals, spiral riffs, insecticides, pesticides, rotten foxtrots, rotten wool or leather jackets, rotten smell of sweat and shit (steeming through the night), inverted crosses, inverted inverted crosses, pig heads and spikes with a fluffy edge. These are some of the sub-genres included here (all are considered mentally ill): Prog Black Metal, Prog Super Black Metal, Prog Scandinavian Nu Metal, Vegetarian Progressive Grindcore, Norwegian Prog Folk Metal, Prog Unblack Metal, Eclesiastic Hell Metal, Progressive Asswipe and Lounge. The creator of the whole prog mental category is Chuck Schuldiner. He did it when he started screaming the lyrics of Metallica's Fight Fire With Fire while driving his van at a tremendous speed inside his old school's kinder garden. This was taped by his friend Rogel. Lyrics deal with such topics as death, mutilation, philosophy, Satan worship, Santa worship, hate, constipation, dark dragons, ghosts, zombies and some shit whispered in some Scandinavian dialect.... and lower intestines.
Heavy-Metal-Satan-Fingers--heavy-metal-713306 600 750
Common expressions related to Progressive Mental illness
  • Opeth (not to be confused with Oprahdeath)
  • Myung's Constipation
  • The Oscar Wilde Blood-Sucking Metal Band
  • Death
  • Stinkhole
  • Borknagar
  • Valterstrog
  • Emperor
  • Progressive Horde
  • Father Moldoone's Fucked Up Metal Band
  • The Marilín Monzon Project
  • Othron
  • Ass-ylum
  • The Nextel Employees
NextelLogo
Those Bastards are gonna Pay

Key Albums

  • Blackwater Park (Opeth/2001) rating: 1,000,000,000,000,000/5
  • Death by Mentol (Death/1987) rating: Carlos/5
  • Brown Fury (Stinkhole/2007) rating: 4.100/5
  • The MetroPølis Attacked pt II: The Blacke Cyrcl (The Marilín Monzon Project/666) rating:-2,565,241,456/5.32
  • Bee (Myung's Constipation/2005) rating 8345786/5
  • Semi-Architectural flying corpse in the Water (Ass-Ylum/1999) rating: 6/5
  • The Ghost of Cantertouille (The Oscar Wilde Blood-Sucking Metal Band/1997) rating: 8.2312514/8.24
  • The Ghost Reveries (Opeth/2005) rating: 5.01/5
  • Fuck the Movistar Personnel (Father Moldoone's Fucked-up Metal Band/1999) rating: 125/123
  • Sex & Religion (The Nextel Employees/2002) rating: 2.88/2.87
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