Princess Zelda

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“You've got to be kidding me!”
~ Zelda on kissing link
“Isn't she the aunt from Sabrina? ”
~ That Guy on Zelda
Princess Zelda (Spirit Tracks)

Whoa... Now I see what Link meant!

Princess Zelda of Hyrule is one of the main characters in The Legend of Zelda series. The series is named after her despite the fact all she does is get kidnapped every game she's in, usually by Ganondorf. Attempting to make her look like a strong, independent princess is usually a big waste of time on the creators' part: in Ocarina of Time and SSBB she can apparently turn into a man named Sheik, but this never helps Link and she gets abducted anyway. In The Minish Cap, she possesses the light force, but gets turned to stone anyway. Holds the Triforce of Wisdom, meaning all she does is speak in poetic riddles instead of getting to the damn point. Zelda's sole function in life is fulfil the wishes of her uncle, Fred.

edit Biography

Zelda was born to Shigeru Miyamoto on February 21, 1986. Throughout her preschool years, she was noted to have quite a bit of leadership in her. Her older siblings, Tingle and Mario, have also noted that their father seemed to like her more, but she didn't notice that at all.

edit Hobbies

Zelda often enjoys being captured by evil villians and taken to their lair, with a purpose to do their bidding. Link often mistakes these sexual fantasies as a cue to save her and often does so, ruining her sex life, and making Ganondorf leave her again because "There's just too much baggage".


Zelda showed her first signs of a whoreish personality at a young age, when she adverised for prostitution..

It's also an very unknown fact that Zelda invented the strap-on dildo for the Empire of Hyrule. Link's sword just didn't friggin cut it. So with deku stick and two deku nuts, she created the favorite invention of whores looking for attention. [citation needed]

edit Zelda's Relationship with Link

Link has a very depressing life. He is forced to go on adventures and save the world without even being allowed a say in the matter. Once he was asked by a busty mermaid "Could you accompany us and defend our carriage?", and before he could reply "No. Defend your own carriage, bitch!" she had already said "OK, then meet us outside".

He chose not to just to walk away when he found out the evil villain was afflicted with the AIDS, and so he decided Ganondorf's freakish pubic hair must be licked to end humanity and the disease could be allowed to spread.

He then goes upon a quest to find the master sword which can only be pulled out of the stone by the manliest of men, so Link called up his good friend Chuck Norris and thus with their powers combine they managed to eradicate Ganon and also travel through time to abort the respective fetuses of Stalin, Hitler, and Britney Spears.

It's been a torrid affair, since childhood in fact, and when things get boring Zelda lets herself get captured by power mad despots. Link would always go out to save her, battling his way through dungeons and hordes of monsters leaving deep emotional scars every time. Zelda would repeat this cycle every time she bored, spanning several dozen games. More recently, Zelda has stopped this, and her and Link's life has become more mundane. Link has filled the empty void of rescuing Zelda by playing mean-spirited tricks on her. Such as sending a thousand pizzas to her house, or putting her hand in warm water while she sleeps, and releasing rabid badgers into her room, and paying Ganondorf to rape her while she is sleeping (Which she probably enjoyed anyway.). To get back at Link, Zelda would get allow herself to be captured again, forcing Link to save her, thus stating the cycle all over again.


They really love each other.

"Well EXCUUUUUUSE me, Princess. - Link to Zelda.

But don't get me wrong, this so called princess is a great lay. Why else would link keep stomaching her bullshit of being captured on what seems to be a daily basis? She never fails to get Link's master sword ready for action. (As for the Triforce special, it involves you, her, and a certain munchkin from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess)


Link givin' it to her.

edit And Thus She Didn't Conquer The World

Shigeru Miyamoto's single order to Zelda was "Go forth and subdue the world in my name!" As per his decree, Zelda lead the combined forces of Nerds and Emos against the last outpost of Rebel Alliance: the Microsoft Corporation. After many long days of fighting and much deadly eye-beaming, Princess Zelda managed to Macgyver a titanic armed Tickle Me Elmo, piloted by an elite team of Ewoks. The Elmo-zilla smashed the entire Microsoft Fortress into the ground with a giant Blue Screen of Death as Bill Gates sat around and cried. Five Fuckers in the egg!

edit Life in Retirement

Old man

This Old Man is within the 5 mile radius of Zelda's positronic gaze. Notice the fire rising from the head and upper extremities.

Zelda returned home a conquering hero, and was forcefully kidnapped to perform royal duties. To this day Zelda may be seen walking around Djibouti, miraculously creating fire from thin air with a Big Mac, preaching to the Persians, and smiting the Heathens and Pagans with her Hellfire missiles and death-ray eye beams. Also she has been seen with her boyfriend Link in porn movies such as "I Eat Cum for breakfast" , "How does his penis bend that way?" and they also featured in "Mario and Peach's Body Swap" (though the results from that movie were permanent). Zelda is now living in a resort with Link in Mushroom Kingdom since Link has learned the power to teleport. All (s)he does in Mushroom Kingdom is get molested by Link and have awesome threesomes with Toad and Link. Daisy sometimes included.

Zelda and Peach sex other girls

Zelda learns new things about sex everyday. But I can't believe it took her this look for her to learn that.

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