Prime Minister of the UK

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The Primeminister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is the title held by the national winner of the most deceiving liar in the UK Parliament every five years. The position is usually taken up by a distant relative of the Monarch or the fourth son of a Lord. Exceptions to this being Margaret Thatcher who was a commoner and a woman and so had to style her hair like the Queen to be able to claim a connection to Royalty and Pitt the Embryo who was the fifth son of Lord Pitt the Elder (Pitt the Younger was the fourth son).

Status in society

STable

A table showing where the role of Prime Minister fits in with other Upper Class roles.

The Primeministerial role was invented to let minor Lords and Barons retain a place in Upper Class society. This was because the first son of a Lord would inherit the title and land, the second son would join the military as an officer and the third son would become a Vicar leaving the fourth son with no option but to do the honourable duty. The phrase, "Did you know my Lady that I am Prime Minister" was often used at social occasions by the current Prime Minister, the reply being, "And what does one do being the Prime Minister?" by the inquisitive Baroness who usually would dismiss the job as "some junior banking role for middle class commoners."

Being Prime Minister does mean that the person is able to meet the reigning Monarch for tea and biscuits frequently which gave the person a good idea for what was happening in current affairs as the Monarch was running the state.

The role of the Prime Minister

Pitt and Grenvillian

Before the Napoleonic Wars the role of the Prime Minister was simply as the servant to the Monarch who cleans the royal chamberpot. However when war broke out encompassing the whole of Europe, the likes of Pitt the Younger and Lord Grenville changed the role of the Prime Minister to being a propaganda minister who brainwashes the nation to support the war effort. Pitt the Younger himself came up with the ingenious way of making any British gentleman pay up by waving a French flag under his nose.

Victorian and Edwardian [1]

The role of Prime Minister gradually became less and less important as the Victorian came about. It was usually competed for by Lords and factory owners so that they could get a job that had free golf clubs that came with it and lots of money when bribed by British company managers to start a war and kill all the natives in their colony. Not many people knew or cared who the Prime Minister was and most were Tory so never changed anything.

Winstonian

Winston Churchill revived the status of the Prime Minister when he took office twice during the 1940s and 50s. This was mainly because a huge war had broken out that wasn't going well and the British public wanted to blame someone (as is the British tradition) so the ruling classes pointed to the least important person in parliament (apart from the Deputy Prime Minister of course). However Churchill turned it around and after taking all responsibility for the pathetic allied war effort, fought the Battle of Britain all by himself which he won by playing Bull-dog with the Germans. He then sacked every decent British general in the North African Campaign and replaced them with the only general left (who happened to be in-charge of catering in the British Army) Montgomery who almost lost the Fifth Battle of El Alamein, failed to capture Caen and screwed up the Battle of Arnhem. Thus Churchill was hailed as a great organiser who could pick his men carefully. The position of Prime Minister was suddenly seen as someone important and the British public ignored the aristocracy's interruptions that the position was of little political consequence and thought that the position of Prime Minister ought to be the head of the government under the Monarch.

Callaghanian

In post-war Britain after Churchill and Attlee, Prime Ministers began to relax a bit and the Labour Party even copied the Conservative Party's manifesto of keeping everything the same and not changing anything despite the country's need to move on. The rest of Britain's imperial treasure and a £20 Asda voucher was spent, as government subsidy, on Britain's declining car and mining industry. The job of the Prime Minster was to re-assure everyone that despite the failure of British industry the country still had an empire and despite the loss of most of Britain's imperial colonies Britain still had her industry.

Thatcherian

When Maggie Thatcher came along she brought a huge change. She made the role of the Prime Minister into a "war mongerer" with Tony Blair following suit. The role of the Prime Minister was combined with the role of an extremely posh and annoying voice minister. Margaret Thatcher was also the first women to be Prime Minister and so brought some house keeping tips to No. 10. Both Blair and Thatcher sucked up to the Americans and loved starting wars so had a lot in common despite the fact they were from opposing parties.

Modern

The role of a Modern Prime Minister harks back to the days of Victorian and Edwardian Prime Ministers with PMs such as David Cameron being being once again related to the Monarchy. The Modern Prime Minister always studies PPE (Pissing off the oponent, Phone hacking and Excentric hand gestures) at Oxford University and then attempts desperately to solve ethical problems with money, money problems with politics and political problems with ethics. The Prime Minister also must ensure he appears as Green as possible and neglect the poor. Recent failures made by them are losing all of Britain's Gold Reserves when Gordon Brown appeared on Deal or no Deal and mistaking the High Speed Railway line, HS2 for a rollercoaster, which does loop the loops around MPs back gardens.

List of notable Prime Minsters of the UK

Name Term of Office Political Party Famous Actions in Power
Sir Robert Maypole 1721-1730 and 1730-1742 Whig First acknowledged Prime Minister of the UK but more famous for the invention of Maypole Dancing, in which members of his cabinet would dance around Sir Maypole and kiss his feet.
3rd Earl of Bute 1762-1763 Tory First swivel-eyed loon to become Prime Minister. The King at the time, George III, liked him so much he too would go on to become a swivel-eyed loon.
1st Earl of Chatham 1766-1768 Whig Famous for his nickname, "Pitt the Elder" and for trying to annoy the Americans in a hope of starting a war.
2nd Marquess of Rockingham 1782 Whig Acknowledged the Independence of the United States and thus became the greatest traitor to be in charge of the country since Oliver Cromwell himself.
William Pitt the Younger 1783-1801 and 1804-1806 Tory Famous for opposing slave trade and declaring war on France multiple times. However his Act of Union in 1800 was his greatest triumph in which he married Willimina Pitt the Wife and produced William Pitt the Embryo.
1st Lord Grenville 1806-1807 Whig Abolishing slavery thus making Britain one of the first empires to fully abolish slavery (before the Americans) and allowing American Presidents to hypocritically criticise Britain for being a slave-ridden, immoral empire with no freedoms for years to come.
Spencer Perceval 1809-1812 Tory The only Prime Minister ever to have been assasinated. He also was credited for being one of the founding fathers of the Schlieffen Plan as he permitted British armies to stab Napoleon in the back and invade France through Spain.
1st Duke of Wellington 1828-1830 and 1834 Tory Well-known for being the General who defeated the French and Napoleon at Waterloo, he was also a keen member of the Irish, Catholic Rebels and secretely passed the Catholic Emancipation Bill allowing Catholics to act their religion without fear of prosecution.
Robert Peel 1834-1835 and 1841-1846 Conservative Founder of the Peelers, who would become the British police force, the Conservative Party and the apple peeler, a device used in conjuction with the apple corer to make a nicer tasting apple.
4th Earl of Aberdeen 1852-1855 Peelite (form of Conservative) Led the country into Crimean War but resigned after an inquiry was held about declaring war, which he lost. Tony Blair would later ridicule him by claiming that he was the worst Prime Minister the country ever had.
3rd Viscount Palmerston 1855-1858 and 1859-1965 Whig (1st term) and Liberal (2nd term) Founder of the Liberals and Prime Minister with the largest record of broken promises.
Benjamin Disraeli 1868 and 1874-1880 Conservative Famous for starting the Zulu Wars and prevented an inquiry being launched into why he killed so many natives with his famous philosophical quote, "Never complain and never explain."
Herbert Henry Asquith 1908-1915 and 1915-1916 Liberal After seeing a mess of the war that he'd gotten the country into he quickly resigned in an attempt to avoid blame.
David Lloyd George 1916-1922 Liberal Only native Welsh speaking Prime Minister, he blamed the loss of millions of men in the First World War on the inability of British Generals to understand what he was saying. He was also famous for saying, "Don't blame me for WW1, it wasn't me who started it, it was the guy before me."
Ramsay MacDonald 1924, 1929-1931 and 1931-1935 Labour (1st and 2nd term) and National Labour (3rd Term) Founder of the labour Party and the Labour Party's official song Old MacDonald had a mine
Neville Chamberpot 1937-1939 and 1939-1940 Conservative A servant who once cleaned out the Royal Chamberpot was voted into power by a humourous public when he standed for the Monster Raving Loony Party. Once he was in power the King forced him to change his party to Conservative and then was blamed for both preventing and starting the Second World War for Britain.
Sir Winston Churchill 1940-1945, 1945 and 1951-1955 Conservative Famous for showing "those Jerries a piece of British defiance" he was also a respected landscape designer who predicted the intrusion on the tranquility of the German countryside that the Iron Curtain project would have.
Clement Attlee 1945-1951 Labour Helped in the foundation of the NHS and the Independence of India, he was put down as a definite "Commie" on the FBIs most wanted list and for two years Britain was thought to be part of the USSR by the Americans.
Harold Macmillan 1957-1963 Conservative Famously dismayed at being rejected by the French to join the ECC (later to become the EU) and also famous in the film The Thirteen Days as the extra in scene 2, act 4 who hands Kennedy a random document thus resembling his role in the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Harold Wilson 1964-1970 and 1974-1976 Labour Abolished capital punishment. Decriminlised homosexuality thus allowing half of Eton to be unashamed by their actions. Also introduced the Health and Safety at Work Act allowing many years of misery for the British public with lawyers appearing in every other TV commercial.
James Callaghan 1976-1979 Labour Allowing the Winter of Discontent to kill of millions of British people and allowing British car companies to carry on producing the worst cars ever seen on the planet.
Margaret Thatcher 1979-1990 Conservative Famous for promoting marmite with her commercial, "My attributes, you either hate them or loathe them." She was also famous for invading the Falkland Islands and wiping out the natives that lived there in an attempt to get 100% vote of confidence for her actions by the Islanders.
John Major 1990-1997 Conservative Establishment of the National Royal Traffic Cones Helpline Bureau. Personally saving Yugoslavia. Sound financial management.
Tony Blair 1997-2007 Labour Invaded Iraq so that he could finally get a friend in life, George Bush.
Lord Sutch 2010-2013 Monster Raving Loony Banned Mondays and flooded France. Invaded Malaga to expand territories around Gibraltar.
David Cameron 2013- Conservative No achievements so far.

References

  1. Sometimes known as Pre-Winstonian
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