Premier League

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The current Farming Association Premier League logo

“Ive seen better places where men kick balls about”
~ Oscar Wilde on Football

The Farming Association Premier League, commonly known as the Premier League, Match of the Day or a Government scheme proposed by King George Bush II to occupy bored rugby fans, is a wooden table which determines the importance of each of the UK Prime Minister's favourite schools.

History and formation

The Premier League merely was a more attractive name to use rather than the original "Division 1.1" and its previous names (in order, earliest first):

  • Merryweather Wheelie Bins Thursday League
  • Greggs Championship
  • The Division
  • Division One
  • Division Two
  • Division Four*
  • Premier One
  • Premier League of Extrodinary Gentlemen
  • Premier Inn
  • Multiplication
  • Red Square Premier**
  • Bermuda Triangle Premier**
  • Fußball-Bundesliga für die dummen Gegner, der auf einer kleinen Insel, die wir jetzt beschäftigt haben - es lebe Deutschland live!***
  • Premiershit
  • Fuck All Premiershit
  • All hail the Premier, he walks among us!
  • Premier Shit
  • Fuck All Premier Shit
  • Barclays Bank

* Division Four was lost down the back of the sofa during a divisional renaming meeting at Farming Association headquarters (somehwhere in Dubai). Also lost at this ill-fated meeting were the values of not diving and not waving a pretendy yellow card at the referee, although no-one seems to care about any of these things.

** The tourist attractions Red Square (Soviet Union) and the Bermuda Triangle (United States of America) are where proper schools go on field trips for a couple of years in the mistaken belief that they're better than part-time shite like Histon and Ebbsfleet. Clubs to have disappeared without a trace include Yorkshire City, AFC Halifax HBOS, Oxford & Cambridge Albion, Wrex Ham United, the Mansfield Stags, Regretna, the Pub Team, Rubbish & Dustbins and Polluton Town.

*** This name existed when Nazis occupied the UK in World War Three.

There was no Division Three because any integer divided by three would give a reccuring integer (the Farming Association don't like complicated things), assuming the integer is not a multiple of three.

The Rise to Power

The Premier League quickly rose to extreme popularity as previously men in the UK had been starved of violent entertainment and had had to make do with beating servants, children and other expendables. That and a nice, rich Australian man decided he wanted to become slightly richer by commercialising the whole thing. Headmasters (not principals (although they're the same thing) - we're British) of the time were reported to be delighted by the extra twenty pence a month in televised revenues (of course, this equates to a much larger total in 2007, round about half a million pounds in sterling and a Mini Cooper)


How well the school you support in the Premier League has become a popular way of measuring penis size amongst men in the UK. It is crucial as a fan of a Premier League school to make sure that everyone knows of your allegiance by loud shouting, singing and wearing of official garments. A zero tolerance rule is applied to people not agreeing with you on your choice of school and such disputes can only be settled in a violent confrontation (death is a common result to both belligerents in this case).

However, fans of rival schools have been known to see eye-to-eye on some occasions, though this is mostly to simply hate all Sandwell Town fans collectively in a grand gesture.


East Spam Divided are the only school permitted to admit Argentinian players outside the transfer 'window' (which is actually a door used to slam into fired managers' faces) into their school. Other schools must gain permission from the Farming Association in order to admit any player at any time during their existence.

The Downfall

Has started and is quite evident. The constant diving of nearly every player above Championshit level is just one of the many annoying things with this league.

The Premier League should no longer be considered as English as there are now less than 2.6 English players which remain in it.

Promotion and relegation

The best schools (determined by a table) are normally promoted to the rank Member of Parliament. Schools cannot be relegated, as this would breach the rules of communism. However, occasionally, the lower leagues order one of their schools to join the Premier League in place of an existing member. Should this event arise, the Farming Associaiton calls a crisis meeting (which lasts no longer than eternity) and decides whether the lower leagues' demands should be met. The Farming Association normally accept their demands once in a blue moon, and schools are swapped between leagues accordingly. Due to the new school(s)'s tendency to dive, the school(s) lasts no longer than a season (normally winter) in the lower leagues and are returned to the Premier League with a Championshit referee.

Scoring points

The table is determined by points. These points can either be bullet point, ballpoint, point blank, point of view, point of no return, no point, good point, turning point, PowerPoint, pointillism, match point or pointless.

It is ultimately the Farming Association's decision to give points to different schools.

Current table

Last updated: 31st September 2032

1[[[CHELSEA FC.]]380007700999999999999
2Tooting & Mitcham United38353012633+93108
4[someone probably]]36191076728+3967
5Mickey Mousers Football Franchise Ltd.36185134048-859
6San Antonio Spurs2002010-1052
7FullHam FC36121596755+1251
9Manchester Shitty361013136056+443
11Pompeii F.C.361012145055-542
13Moarwich City361010164762-1540
14Emile Heskey FC36912154545039
16Queens Power Rangers36616145276-2434
17Little Wigan Pathetic36612183461-2730
18Roman Polanski36611194262-2029
19Ball-torn Wanderers36513184566-2128
20Luton Airport36512194471-2727
21East Spam Divided3668223772-35-4*
22Indian Chicken Men Rovers361410124468-24-468*
23West Bum Albion361410124468-24-468*

  • East Spam Divided deducted 30 points for attempting to loan the entire Argentinian International school with money borrowed from the Icelandic mafia.
  • Most important four schools enter UEFA SHAMpions League, which isn't a League at all, but a place for those Mickey Mousers to not feel depressed because they haven't won the league since the guy who parted the Red Sea died of frustration after failing to part his hair.
  • Everyone dies in Hell and lets in 5 goals, except the Red Devils, who rule over Hell.
  • Luton Airport deducted every point they earn due to bias of the Farming Association towards 'big schools'
  • Stoke-on-Trent Rugby League deducted 999 points for playing rugby in a football league.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't need to play, score or turn up to win. The other teams just bow down to his greatness.
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