From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Naughty little boys and girls sometimes do "teh" Wanking . Wanking has many rules associated with it. Older people do as well. Nice people don’t really think you should. Christians who read the Bible think you should wait till you’re married before you let your husband wank you if you’re a woman. You should wait till you’re married before you let your wife wank you if you’re a man. You should wait till you’re married before you let "teh" same sex partner wank you if you belong to a church that allows gay marriage. Whatever you decide to do, you may be going to hell. Sorry.
Crotchety old religious leaders and young followers
Now young unmarried youths and maidens have such strong sex drives it’s hard for them to stay virgins.
- There are any number of priests they’re not supposed to do it ever. There are any number of elderly preachers, ministers, religious leaders and Bible Thumpers generally. They’re allowed to marry but if they’re old enough to be respected they aren’t excited about sex the way the youngsters are. The elderly religious leader looks at his Pot belly in the bathroom mirror. And he isn’t even tempted. Virile youths and nubile maidens look at themselves in the bathroom mirror. And it’s much harder to overcome temptation. -When the youngsters look at each other in the bathroom…? That’s for a different article.- So the religious leaders envy those sexy youngsters. Then the religious leaders tell the youngsters not to do it till they’re married.
- There are any number of Nuns who arn't supposed to do it any time and they envy those who can. There are nice elderly religious ladies. They can stay sexually clean at their age. They try and stop young girls doing what they used to do when they were younger.
They can’t overcome temptation
And sexy youngsters are not even allowed to wank. Then all those clean faced Christian youths and maidens get more and more frustrated. In the end they sometimes lose control and they do it with teh partner. If they manage to control themselves with teh partner then they lose control and do it to themselves. Religious leaders try to stop them.
(...) In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
That sort of thing might work for a time but frustration just builds up. They're supposed to be frustrated and miserable for Jesus. In the end they just can't stop themselves. The girls stroke their ".."ies. The boys stroke their "..."s. Once they lose control they just go wild. Those hairs feel just soo good. They haven't had anything nice there for so long. (Well some of those respected religious leaders have done something with the nubile girls behind the altar. And other respected religious leaders have done something with the nubile boys behind the altar. That doesn't happen often we hope!) Those sexy youngsters have been good Christians before. They just don’t know that a sexy youngster near their own age would be more fun than an elderly religious leader. Anyway we'd better not talk about that. The youngsters who didn't go with an elderly religious leader satisfy themselves. How? Leave that to your imagination. Then afterwards they feel so ashamed and they’re sure they’ve broken God’s law. Here's something better.
Now God made us so that we love to wank. God made us so that those parts give us such pleasant tingling feelings when we wank. God put all those sensitive nerve endings into our parts and into our hands. Those hairs feel so nice underneath our hands. Those hands feel so nice on top of those hairs. God made us so that the sex drive is so strong and so hard to control even before we’re married. And God doesn’t want us to do the obvious things with our
bodies sex drive. If we break God’s commandments we’ll go to hell.
Remember also God is a God of love. If you for one moment doubt that god is a God of love you’ll go to hell (Copyright © 2011 Westboro Baptist Church)