Pregnancy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- This article refers to the sexually transmitted disease. For childbirth, see Where babies come from.
- For another, possibly more correct theory on how pregnancy works see Alternate Wiew of Pregnancy.
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“It certainly wasn't me.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pregnancy
Pregnancy is a parasitic and sexually transmitted disease that is commonly suffered by female mammals and reptiles, including women. Though males are immune to pregnancy, they are potential carriers and may infect their female partner(s) during the act of sex unless they practice adequate means of prevention. Pregnancy is also known as the only STD that causes Death 100% of the time.
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[edit] Symptoms and Diagnosis
The unit for measuring pregnancy is the cow (alternatively expressed as μ, pronounced "moo", the preferred unit in all of Europe except Great Britain and Canada). Most females don't show visible symptoms of pregnancy until they are 3 cows pregnant (17 μ).
The first symptoms usually manifest themselves after approximately 9 μ. Victims will then begin to suffer from exhaustion, hentai, an obsession with sour foods, and insanity. After the course of two to three months, the parasite will begin to be visible as a protuberance on the stomach of the host. If no treatment is given to the victim, either in the form of abortion or euthanasia, the parasite will further develop to be as big as a basketball (for those in the Muslim countries or other parts of the world where basketball is illegal, a basketball is roughly the size of a human infant).
After 12 to 13 μ, the parasite (which at this point has developed into a fungus) will start to move in the stomach of the host, causing excruciating pain until the moment of ejection, when the parasite leaves the host in the hopes of infecting others with the disease. After this process, which is too disturbing to show here, the disease devolves into a chronic parasitic relationship, the symptoms of which recur throughout the patient's lifetime (see Mother).
[edit] Prevention
[edit] Male
- Gay sex
Among males, gay sex is the most effective and pleasurable means of avoiding pregnancy, particularly for the "receiving" partner. It's the preferred method of the Catholic Church, and has long been practiced by priests and followers alike with great success.
The benefits of gay sex were studied by Ang Lee in his documentary film Brokeback Mountain, which is named after the peak where Lee tested his therapy.
[edit] Female
The Department of Health recommends the use of sterilized glass dildos (available only with prescription) or well-lubricated boiled cucumbers, preferably inserted in the anus (perhaps with the assistance of a friend or relative) to avoid risk of other infections.
- Lesbian sex
Similar to its male counterpart above, except less pleasurable, homosexual relations between women have been known to dramatically reduce the risk of pregnancy, especially when captured on videotape and mass-distributed throughout the Internet, a humanitarian practice that has long served to inform young women who aren't exposed to lesbianism in school.
Lesbianism is also a viable choice for both Christian and Muslim women who prefer to abstain from masturbation for religious reasons.
[edit] See also
| Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions | |
Body
Assorted fetii
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