Vodka
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“In Soviet Russia, Vodka consumes YOU!!!!”
“A finer elixir of life I've never seen.”
“Vodkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“I'm a Russian, and in the mornink, I drink vodkaaah!”
“Makes you feel real awesome!!!”
“I knew I should've spent the money on the vodka instead!”
“Me User:50 Years of Victory! i drink 2 boxes of vodka every day and makes me a total awesome!!!”
“i accidentally drank vodka once! but other than that im sober!(shes lying it was whiskey) mysterious sober person who is sober on being sober”
Allegedly called Sex Fuel, vodka (Russian: Родная Водочка;Polish: wódka) is a water-like substance thought to have originated in Devon, the formula of which was stolen during a Russian-Viking collaborative raid in 1978. Although Scottish historians have found evidence that it came from "yer mother's s teats", their findings were inconclusive because no one could believe there was such a thing as a Scottish historian.
Anyway, it's a narcotic, radioactive, typically invisible gas, usually extracted from fermented pure vodkum (periodic element #35.) and is the most consumed by cats, although humans have been known to drink it in small quantities. Vodka usually has a vodka content ranging from 100% to 1000% vodka.
Vodka is the basis of a number of popular inhalations, including the Bloody Zieg Hail Mary, the Red October, the Vodka Martin, Appletiser and the Bullshit. Vodka is also the national bird of Ghana, due to a misunderstanding during the Cold War.
In 26 AD, when Christ was tooling around in the holy land, Vodka and cat was the staple diet of all peasants. Because these items were kept in the same storage facility, over time the cat became habitually addicted to vodka. The liquid form of vodka was made famous by Plodpromimport (trading arm of KPSS) by strategic marketting during the 'National Snowballing Festival' 1981 by giving away a free shot for every ice/snow related injury. The drink was so popular that by the end of the festival members of the crowd were intentionally stabbing themselves with icicles in order to obtain more of what was soon to become "America's favourite date-rape drug".
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edit The Russo-Polish Vodka disagreement
Many years ago the Polish were under Russian control. Under old Russian law, it was illegal to buy and sell alcohol. So Jesus gave the Poles some potato seeds. At first the Poles didn't know what to do with them, but then one day they came up with the famed secret recipe. Then the Tsar heard and snatched away the formula, taking away one of the only fun things to do in Poland, drink. Then the Tsar added the law that it was illegal for non-Russians to drink Vodka.(The Polish, being defiant to their conquerors throughout history, still secretly made it under a new recipe.) Jesus was very displeased and, while taking control of the mad monk Rasputin, had the Tsar killed. Unfortunately, Jesus actually caused Russia to turn communist by doing so.
Poland got the recipe back, but then the Soviets invaded Poland during World War II and took it back. After the fall of Soviet Russia, the communists burned it. The Russians deny they did so and to this day, the world is uncertain who really created vodka.
edit Did you know?
- ...in Soviet Russia, you drink Vodka! Thus, Vodka is the only thing that Russian Reversal doesn't work on. But technically, if we weren't on vodka, we would have figured that the Russian Reversal does work on vodka...
- ...that the famous Russian chemist, Mendeleev, was head of the imperial vodka comission? The comission declared vodka unfit for human consumption. It also decreed that the best vodka brewed for russian consumption has a 98% alcohol content. However, because of tax legislation, this is usually rounded up to 100%.
- ...One of vodka’s first popular family or domestic labels traces its history back to 11th century Sydnayaka Krueger of Russia, which has since evolved into the currently popular Smirnoff, according to Alcohol Aficionado's History of Vodka.
- ...it is confirmed that having a shot (or a few bottles?) of Vodka before entering Chernobyl will protect you from radiation
- ...Vodka and milk tastes like chocolate?
- ...there is someone on some stupid kiddie website with the username Vodka?
- ...Injecting vodka into a wang increases its size by 82%.
- ...That Vodka is the same shit as nail polish remover?
- ...Your dick is tiny?
- ...Vodka has a mild amount of viagra in it. If you drink too much you will get a massive erection.
- ...Vodka has a mild amount of alcohol in it. If you drink too much you will get drunk.
- ...Vodka is used for stripping paint and fucking your mother?
- ...Capitalists are allergic to Vodka?
- ...You have a huge vagina?
- ...The common Russian would prefer vodka over a picture of Hannah Montana?
- ...Russian blood is 78% Vodka?
- ...that flavor variations of Vodka were invented so that less attractive men or Nerds can get laid by almost any woman?
- ...In fact, THIS is the outside-of-Soviet-Russia-way of measuring the percent of alcohol in blood. In Soviet Russia , blood alcohol content measure YOU!
- ...In Soviet Russia, Vodka drink you!!! No, wait...the Russian reversal does not work...or maybe....hmm....z0rz!
- ...Дураки в западных странах не могут читать Русский без словаря... но когда они пьют водку, КГБ может залезть в голову и прочесть их мысли. ((translated : Fools in Western countries can not read Russian without a dictionary ... but when they drink the vodka , the KGB could climb to the head , and read their thoughts .))
- ...people in Western Nations actually can read the above Cyrillic script, despite it being in Cyrillic? Sorry KGB
- ... A Gareth's favorite drink is vodka
- ...Большинство людей на Западе не могут читать кириллицей, но когда они пьют водку, они могут!
- ...Vodka has inspired many advertisement campaigns and artists (like the one that is not to be named, Justin Bieber and Adolf Hitler :
- ...More then often, after drinking 2 shots of vodka, women are to piss drunk to give a shit! Go get 'em, tiger!
edit Different types of Vodka
All true vodka is produced by fermenting, and then distilling potatoes. This differentiates true vodka from other liquors, which generally are produced from a similar process using different ingredients. Whiskey, for example is made from wheat, Sake is made from rice, moonshine is made from corn, tequilla is made from Agave, and Gin is made from bloody hell.
Sadly, the modern market is flooded with vodka wannabes, such as Skyy, which is made from grain, and therefore is actually a terrible form of whiskey.
Aside from the evil grain-based false vodkas, and different brands of Vodka, the only different types of vodka are flavored vodkas. The Norsemen and Swedes developed flavored vodkas to confuse Russian agents, who were attempting to prevent non-russians from drinking Vodka. A number of amazing vodka flavors are still on the market, such as Orange, Blueberry, Watermelon, and Banana. However, since secrecy is no longer necessary, all flavored vodka is now flavored to taste like vodka.
Chukchas drink Table-Vodka if they have a party or if they want to get drunk. In Chukchaland they have a Secret-Vodka too! It's much cheaper than Table-Vodka but it's quite hard to find it. By the way, Russians drink Vodka too.
Chukchi White is the most famous vodka in Chukchaland. The son of Chukchauskas, the creator of Chukchaland, visited South Africa illegally and killed African kids when being high on Chukchi Walge's fumes.
Absolut Cut is a common type of Vodka that was invented by a guy that either couldn't spell or mistakenly left out a few letters. The bottle is supposed to immediately signify that the person drinking from it is an Absolute Cunt.
A common vodka based cocktail is Vodka & Red Bull which originates from Clapham, the two main ingredients in Vodka & Red Bull are naturally Vodka and virgin cow's blood.
In wealthy third-world countries Teens drink Vodka because they don't know any better.
edit See Also:
- Red Bull
- Poland
- Russia
- Ukraine
- Belarus
- Ireland
- eBay - Believed to be an ancient Vodka trading post.
- Potato
- Spring shoe
- S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
