Pre-Presidential Accomplishments of Barack Obama
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Mastering Houdini Economics
Among Obama’s campaign promises was his assurance that he would reduce the national debt substantially during his time in office. As part of this plan of reducing government spending, Obama promised a slew of government programs that, if fully enacted, would cost $860 billion per year on top of the existing Federal budget. Obama was also a vocal supporter of the “bailout” of America’s major financial companies, an undertaking that cost American citizens $700 billion. In addition, Obama promised numerous “stimulus packages” to members of the lower and middle classes.
In order to raise government revenue to pay for these massive increases in government spending, Obama vowed to cut taxes massively. Most of his supporters thought highly of the move. Obama also promised to pull out of Iraq (which costs the government $150 billion per year); a move that most experts that support Obama believe would save the United States all the money in the world while simultaneously not hurting its confidence or foreign standing at all, not to mention be totally beneficial for the wonderfully stable nation of Iraq.
When the numbers were worked for Obama’s 2009 Federal budget proposal, it was found the Federal government would be up a massive negative $2,000,000,000,000; a deficit larger than the GDP of France. As a result, John McCain and the Republicans, as part of their negative campaign strategy, attacked Barack Obama, claiming his economic plans “made no sense” and would “hurt the economy.” This is, of course, totally ludicrous. The Republicans, busy trying to smear Obama’s image, purposely omitted the fact that Obama had mastered Houdini Economics.
Houdini Economics is a school of economic thought started by Harry Houdini sometime after the turn of the century. Rather than Keynesian, “trickle down”, or so-called “real” economics, which are based in real-world principles, Houdini Economics is based in principles of magic.
Harry Houdini, in an effort to finance his increasingly expensive escape tricks, began the practice of producing large amounts of fiat money from literally nowhere (most likely his anus), thereby starting a whole new (albeit small) school of economic thought. Because of Obama’s unparalleled understanding of Houdini Economics, he is regarded by most of his supporters—as well as most dolphins—as being qualified to hold STICKSAmerica’s highest office.
Obama is a master of efficiency. Obama raised and spent double the money George W. Bush did in the 2004 Presidential Election (100% more), and as a result won a whopping 1.5% more of the popular vote. Not only that, but Obama traveled to a whopping 57 states during his campaign, leaving his opponents to claim without proof that there are only 50 states. Most regarded this claim by Obama as a forgivable gaffe, compared to the really stupid things that Sarah Palin was saying. (Either she, or maybe Tina Fey portraying her on Saturday Night Live.)
Public Relations Experience and Accomplishments
Ph.D. in Empty Rhetoric
Anyone who’s ever heard a Barack Obama speech knows what a magnificent speaker the man is. Anyone’s who’s stopped lustily masturbating during a Barack Obama speech long enough to listen, however, also knows that Barack Obama doesn’t exactly “say things” in the traditional sense when he talks. Sure, he speaks words—sometimes very big words!—but his words lack what one could call “substance.” This could lead one to believe the Barack Obama, too, lacks “substance,” but this too is a total misconception.
In fact, Barack Obama has a ton of substance. He has all the “substance” of one would expect of a four-year Senate veteran produced in a state run by a incredibly corrupt political machine and then some. Barack Obama has so much “substance” that he has to dumb it down for poor ol’ reg’lar fo’ks like you and me; and the result is what one would call “empty rhetoric.”
Rather than cold, hard, logical facts and statistics, Barack Obama will say vague slogans that are applicable to nearly anything in any context. This strategy of public speaking has long been employed, and has been used by some of history’s greatest leaders.
Because of its incredible effectiveness, especially on smart, educated young people who are easily swayed by such things, achieving a Ph.D. in Empty Rhetoric is considered his crowning pre-Presidential achievement.
Barack Obama earned his Doctorate in Empty Rhetoric at Harvard Law School at around the same time he did not associate with radical Communist student groups or engage in anal sex with William Ayers. Obama used his degree to great effect, eventually winning a seat in the State Senate in Illinois. When it became clear Obama couldn't win the election, he used his Ph.D. in Empty Rhetoric to simply have his opponent removed from the ballot—a move that has been called "perfectly fair" and "not underhanded in the slightest"—thereby guaranteeing himself the victory.
Hope and Change
Obama’s Ph.D. is credited with coming up with what many consider to be the greatest slogan ever devised: “Hope and Change”. Others with Ph.D.’s in Empty Rhetoric have noted with excitement that the slogan is both “extremely ambiguous” and “doesn’t actually fucking mean anything”, while being “inspirational” and “assuring” at the same time. Kind of like babytalk, but for disgruntled middle class adults. Empty Rhetoric professors and as well as casual enthusiasts for the practice everywhere have hailed the slogan as the crowning achievement of the Art of Empty Rhetoric.
Earning Fair Treatment by the Mainstream Media
Barack Obama’s Ph.D. is also credited with his rather positive, although perfectly fair, public image. The mainstream media was often accused of “bias” during the election, ignoring opponents of Obama while at the same time giving McCain’s opponents plenty of airtime. This is, of course, unsubstantiated nonsense! Other alleged instances of media “bias” include:
- Claiming McCain was running a negative campaign--ignoring the fact that Obama had spent more money on negative campaign advertisements than any other political candidate in history, while McCain demanded that Virginia affiliates withdraw advertisements for the "negativity" of correctly mentioning Obama's real middle name.
- Ignoring or minimizing the importance of “issues” in Obama’s past, like his involvement with Communist student groups, his association with unremitted radical terrorists, and his decades-long relationship with his inflammatory and racist pastor; while at the same time making issues out of “nonissues” like the cost of Sarah Palin’s wardrobe and other terribly important things.
- Criticizing Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin’s lack of experience, which was more Executive-branch experience than Obama and his own VP nominee combined.
Although Republicans, as well as anyone who opposes Obama in general, often point to these and other examples as being instances of uneven reporting by the media, there is a simple answer to these claims: racism. Anyone who opposes Barack Obama must be a massive, unredeemable racist worthy of being put on trial and shot/hanged, as was done to the Nazis at Nuremburg. Things like "disagreeing with his policies" or "seeing through his bullshit" are no excuse.
It’s a little-known fact that being a Community Organizer for a small neighborhood in the South Side of Chicago is actually the ideal prerequisite to running the world’s most powerful country, as there are many parallels between the two equally important offices. For instance, Barack Obama, at one point or another, held both positions!
Therefore, Community Organizer is a perfectly legitimate office and a perfectly valid prerequisite.
As a Community Organizer, Obama did many important things. Obama gave poor, downtrodden citizens hope for change, and later, even hope in change. He also hoped he could change things and changed things that needed to be changed. However, it is often overlooked that Obama changed the hope in change before changing the hopechange with his hope. The hope he changed, through change and hope, was hoped to bring the change that was needed as a result of hope. Hope change change change hope hopechangechange hope, hope change change middle class. Hope Diamond.
Despite its total legitimacy, Obama’s opponents have continually lambasted the prestigious position of Community Organizer. McCain and Palin both claimed to have far more experience, executive and otherwise, than Obama. Palin even went so far as to say that being the mayor of an entire city is like being a Community Organizer, “only with responsibilities,” to say nothing of being Governor of an entire state with approval ratings consistently above 60%. In retaliation for this unwarranted attack on Obama’s credentials, the totally non-biased non-Liberal media waged an ad hoc war on Palin’s character from which she will likely never recover.
Obama also served a four-year term in the state senate of the state of Illinois. During this term, Obama didn't chair a single committee or introduce a single piece of legislation, and cast 133 votes of "present" (abstentions). This highlighted his nuanced political philosophy, which often cannot be expressed in a simplistic "yes" or "no" vote. (The Democratic Party had been seeking a "nuanced" candidate ever since the defeat of its previous nominee, John Kerry, remembered now mostly for insisting that "I actually did vote for the $87 billion--before I voted against it.")
Moving up to the U.S. Senate, Obama largely ignored his legislative duties after promptly declaring his candidacy for President. However, meeting with American citizens on a whistle-stop presidential campaign does imply involvement with national policy, whereas a Governor of Alaska presumably considers nothing more weighty than where to cut new holes in the ice.