Power Rangers: The Movie
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This article documents real events. These events are disturbing and grotesque re-creations of the perils faced by five average everyday gayroes (gay heroes).
Power Rangers: The Documentary...A Brief SynopsisYears ago in the 90s, the world was in total peace. Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd were causing mayhem, nothing new. But then Lord Zedd called in his auntie who molested him. It wasn't his auntie cooties but rather, he called Uncle igormolsetabitch, a perpetual drunk with a terrible skin disease that made him blue. Thus, this deformed bastard was quite angry at the world that had ignored him and at the parents who never hugged him.
In a completely unrelated and irrelevant twist, the Power Rangers were doing the one thing they seem to do constantly, fighting in tournaments. The Power Rangers were, at this time, stoned out of their minds and cheering on Long Haired Ranger as he kicked the living shit out of Some Dude. As this happens, Leader Ranger, Sushi Ranger, No Friends in High School Ranger, Jackie Robinranger, and Gratuitously Hot Ranger are all screaming about how they are quote: "totally tasting purple" as they take another hit from the giant bong that is Zordon's magic tube and ordered another round of Tequila.
The cameraman then took a quick break because no one cares about documentaries...but immediately after taking up the camera again, No Friends Ranger was gone. Instead they added a new ranger, Pre-Pubescent Twelve Year Old Girl/Boy Ranger. We'll call him Steve. So Steve was some random kid, who, like the Power Ranger, did nothing else with his life besides bum rapes and watch fights. Somehow, without previous training, Steve was already a white belt.
Uncle Ivan then decides to cause mayhem...so the Power Rangers become ninjas and fight monsters to get new powers and zords that Zordon could have bestowed on them easily. But Zordon couldn't do this. Why? Zordon's bong broke revealing that rather than a badass magical talking face (ya...rly), he was a giant raisin with Bob Barker's head that talked like an old Clint Eastwood with asthma. So Zordon was being taken care of by his robotic sex slave Alpha 69.
Suddenly, the ninja rangers needed to save the world so they climbed into their zords and they never show the doors of the zords which must mean that the rangers entered through the anus. The documentary never showed this but the extended director's cut has a diagram of how to enter the robotic animalian killing machines (action figures). Then came the big fight because as we all know, a fight is quite needed. The rangers were pissed the fuck off cause they had their bong broken and Uncle Ivan had an army of parents that would hug him. So now, since no one walks the streets of the city and apparently no one cares about buildings being destroyed by robots and a big blue guy, the city is leveled and Ivan has his ass kicked. So even though the entire city is broken and no doubt, thousands of people have died, the giant blue mental paitient is now jello and the Power Rangers win.
Everyone then decides to congratulate Steve because he's twelve and thus needs the self esteem boost to be confident in everything he does as he gets older.
Long Hair Ranger played by The Guys from Hanson - A martial artist with long hair and attitude. He is supposedly not the leader but he has shoulder pads, therefore he is...and leader ranger needs a new name. He is known for constantly shouting out "KIIIAAOWWOOO"
Leader Ranger played by Vin Diesel - Leader Ranger is the red ranger...he isn't the leader. His special ability is the ability to argue with Long Hair Ranger and create tension that is broken with comedic relief by...
Sushi Ranger played by The Ghost from the Grudge - She is asian AND the yellow ranger? That's HILARIOUS!
No Friends in High School Ranger played by, well...we're not really sure - He has no friends...and he's the blue ranger because he's sad...he disappears half way through the documentary because fans don't like him...and he's gay
The Beast of Bodwin- a oversized horse trapped in a swimming pool after taking a little too much ketamin.Jackie Robinranger played by Wayne Brady - Jackie was born in the early 1900s and wanted to play baseball. He worked hard to achieve his dream of getting on the Brooklyn Dodgers and soon broke the color barrier for baseball and all Negro League players everywhere. Then Zordon thought he was a teenager with attitude, gave him an axe, and made him a power ranger.
Gratuitously Hot Ranger played by Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, and Ellen Degeneres - No description is needed.
Steve played by Himself - Steve is a hellspawn child made from the fires of pure evil. He was born 12 years before these events and his favorite number is threeve. This is because French Stewart is his idol. Satan? Perhaps the son of Satan. Steve is a black belt in all forms of karate and was born with profound martial arts skills. He enjoys fighting tournaments and has never even touched a girl. His hair is usually tousled by several people's hands per day and therefore is always messy. Steve died of an overdose of fun.
Disclaimer - This documentary is in fact a re-enactment of said events and the real Power Rangers all died tragically from Ivan and these actors and Steve were hired in their place to retell the story how it should have happened.
Critical ReceptionUpon release the documentary received mixed reviews. Only three critics chose to watch the entirety before reviewing the film. Those critics were Roger Ebert, Vanilla Ice, and Kermit the Frog. Roger and Vanilla gave the film two thumbs up and even found the unmarked graves of the power rangers and had sexual relations with the remains of Gratuitously Hot Ranger. Kermit on the other hand gave the film three thumbs down, the third thumb was the thumb growing out of his puppeteer's hand. Kermit offered this statement:
Rotten Tomatoes gave the documentary 99% fresh with the only negative review being from Uncle Ivan saying they made him shave his beard for the role.
Many well-known chart-topping 90s artists contributed their music to the film including Eiffel 65, Third Eye Blind, and Hanson
- Jumper - Third Eye Blind was played during the deleted scene of No Friends Ranger jumping off a building into a pool of lava deciding that life isn't worth living if you are a Power Ranger AND have no friends.
- Blue - Eiffel 65 was Uncle Ivan's theme song
- Mmmbop - Hanson was played on an infinite loop throughout the entire movie including during other songs.
- Get Low - Lil Jon was played during the deleted scene of Zordon and Alpha 69 getting crunk and having sex with the Putty Patrol.
- Toad The Wet Sprocket - Illegal copies of several songs played during the forced co-ed shower scenes and the blooper reel where several extras were garroted by accident.
The sales for the soundtrack reached the millions minutes after the movie was released.
Special Thanks and Dedications
A special thanks is given to Zordon for being such a good sport and not getting mad when he was forced to give up his bong and his life force until he was just seconds from death. This film is dedicated to the Power Rangers who so bravely gave their lives fighting Uncle Ivan only to anti-climactically die after having all the lighting fixtures on set fall on them and pin them while the resulting fire burned them to death. Luckily, Steve survived to appear in the film only to have so much fun making the film that his twelve year old martial artist heart exploded. The film is also dedicated to Mr. Miyagi. Why? Because he's Mr. Miyagi.