“Alpha, get me 5 teenagers with attitude, a cannoli, and the latest issue of Hustler! This is an urgent situation!”
Power Rangers (aka Mighty Morphin' Wild Zeo Power Rangers Turbo Overdrive Force in Space II: Electric Boogaloo The Sequel the Series) was an award winning 16-season television series. The series follows the titulating adventures of a group of teenagers (none of whom are emo) as they cope with homework, bullies and rape; while they are called upon to do what the American military can't do: Deal with illegal aliens.
In 1992, NASA decided to demothball an Apollo spacecraft to purely de-mythify the Moon Landing Hoax. Upon arriving on the Moon, Apollo 23 discovered that the moon had an Earth-like sky and contained a disposed Pizza Hut dumpster. Although going completely against Houston's orders, they opened the dumpster to reveal Rita Repulsa and her fellow Pizza Hut employees. The fate of the astronauts and the revived Apollo is unknown due to a lack of mentioning of the United States government and its actions against Rita during the whole series.
The Pizza Hut manager who originally canned Rita, Zordon, now stuck in a transdimensional tube without a body, asks his robotic assistant, Alpha, to gather 5 teenagers with attitude, a cannoli, and an issue of Hustler. Alpha gets the teenagers, the cannoli, but doesn't have legal age ID to get the magazine.
With their new-found powers, the teenagers, the Power Rangers, battle Rita's monsters while keeping their identity secret and humiliating their local bullies through means that distract parents from the violence in the episodes.
The Power Rangers
Jason aka José Canseco
- "Jason, bold and stunning. Stop masturbating to Alpha!"
Jason, known as José Canseco to his military buddies, was the initial leader of the Power Rangers group. Assigned as the Red Ranger due to his impressive Tomato Sauce au Naturél recipe by Zordon, he also received the leading Zord, the Tyrannosaurus-X. Throughout his journeys in Power Rangers, he assisted in defeating numerous enemies and preventing Rita's attempts at destroying the Pizza Hut franchise, mainly the one owned by his Italian parents.
On various occasions, Jason would have to homesit Alpha while Zordon was out of his tube coordinating Pizza Hut deliveries from his local call center in a secret room in the Command Center. Jason considered this chore to be tedious due to Alpha running on a Windows 3.1 system.
Jason was replaced as leader by Tommy Oliver after losing a bet at the Angel Grove Race Track, moving to number two spot, gladly giving up his job as the Command Center babysitter.
- Famous Line: "José Canseco don't get fucked by no crab!"
- "Trinity, fearful and slow. Why did I choose you?!"
Trinity, known as the Matrix Gal, was the martial arts guru of the Power Rangers group, teaching the others the art of Sannse, albeit unsuccessfully. She was assigned as the Yellow Ranger by Zordon because he's "racist, so shoot me. Oh wait, you can't!". With her martial arts and gravity-defying skills, she was a great asset to the team, especially when she was given a gun in season two (despite parental concern, ignored by FOX), replacing her plastic Chinese $2.99 Egg Roll Daggers. With her catch-phrase "Me love you long time!" she won the hearts of viewers.
Trinity was replaced by Aisha Campbell after she received a contract for a major movie trilogy that was released some years after her replacement.
- Famous Line: "I don't get it."
- "Aim right above the fuel cells!"
Billy Cranberry was the nerd of the Power Rangers group, always solving all the technical problems encountered by the Power Rangers, namely Alpha's constant Blue Screen of Death problem. He was continuously poked fun of by other members of the Rangers group until he got laid by Bulk and Skull while drunk.
Billy Cranberry was one of the longest lasting original Rangers, due to his expertise in hacking into Rita Repulsa's server, allowing the Rangers to defeat her monsters the same way every week. He had to leave the Rangers when he suffered from uromisotisis poisoning when he realized Zordon didn't install toilets in his new command center.
- Famous Line: "I think I landed on my dick."
- "Kimberly, graceful and cute. Lube my tube."
Kimberly Heart, the heart-throb of pre-adolescent boys, was the blonde of the Power Rangers group. In times where Billy Cranberry will be going on with his technobabble, Kimberly will always interrupt with a "huh," "what?" or "Durr." Her strengths come in her flexibility (not counting her "times" with Jason) and advanced bow weaponry in battle. She was considered the redshirt of the group, just without all the death. She had a relationship with Tommy Oliver to attempt to surpass Trinity in group seniority, but failed when, as stated by Tommy, "She bit too hard".
- Famous Line: "Let go of me!"
- "I AM ZORDON. Wait... What do you mean who's Zordon??"
Zordon is some sort of fucking wizard. The guy was awesome until some mutha fucka came out of fucking space and stole him. Then The Power rangers went to space... it was pretty fucking stupid.
However Zordon created the power and distributed it based on race. The typical asian was Yellow, the negro was Black, The Techie was Blue, The Girl was Pink and the leader, who was native american, was red. "No one will ever notice", my ass...
- "Zach, clever and brave...bro."
Zachary Tailor was the Token Black Guy of the Power Rangers group. In a time of increased focus on races in television, Zachary was chosen by Zordon to prevent lawsuits from local racism groups. Prior to Trinity receiving the main gun of the group, Zachary was the one who manned the missile and laser station on the Zords. When the going went tough, Zack would often exclaim something like "DAMN!" or "That's right, bitch" to confuse the enemy, then defeat them with a slice of his
gun power axe. According to Power Ranger fan groups, Zack was considered the sexiest Power Ranger next to that other sexy guy.
Due to the fact that Zack was Black, and was the Black Ranger, racism jokes was on the top of the list of things to avoid by the Power Rangers, right after Zordon's bedtube.
- Famous Line: I be lovin' me some grits!"
Tommy 'Twist' Oliver
- "Tommy, you cannot enter the Command Center without a Power Coin. Please insert one Credit."
Tommy 'Twist' Oliver was the ratings-booster of the Power Rangers group, introduced in an over-elaborate 5-part story to introduce his character. After he was freed from the tyranny of Rita Repulsa, he joined the Power Rangers as the Green Ranger, bent on ridding the world of global warming and saving the rainforests. Anytime the Rangers would threaten to destroy plant life with their Zords during a battle, he would call upon his Dragonzord to negotiate between Rita and the Rangers. This typically ended in failure and the Dragonzord returning to its ocean base with some major league dents.
Tommy Oliver was the longest lasting Ranger, and the oldest (which raised the television ratings of older women), lasting through many seasons. Despite all his appearances, he never retrieved the Dragon Dagger back from Jason, leaving the Dragonzord in the ocean to rust and to never see its lover, Titanus, again.
Tommy was also a master flute-dagger player,one of only four people worldwide to perfect Stairway To Heaven on said instrument.
He was also the only ranger prone to losing his powers (although under certain circumstances, it wasn't his "fault"); except for Zeo, which is still a mystery unto itself.
- Famous Line: "Like, peace dude, take a chill pill Rita..."
Rita Repulsa was the main villain of the Power Rangers. Originally a Pizza Hut delivery driver, after failing to make 10 deliveries in a row, and threatening to bomb the Hut, her manager, Zordon, threw her into the dumpster and launched it into space, at the expense of the company. When she was released from her dumpster in the late 20th century, she focused her attention on destroying Pizza Hut, then to take over Earth. Along with her minions, she launched numerous attacks of the exact same magnitude in the exact same area every time against the Rangers when they were fully awake and ready for battle. Rolling Stones Magazine rated her tactics as "Predictable as a Star Trek rerun."
When her new superior, Lord Zedd, found out about her failures, he married her purely for the profits of selling her primetime Moon land area. After selling the land, he put her in another dumpster and threw her out into space. She sued Zedd later for legal shortcomings from the marriage.
- Famous Line: "Why won't my plants growwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?!"
- "THAT'S LORD ZEDD!"
Lord Zedd was the offspring of Lady Why and Lord.Exe and was the direct superior in the Department of Evil and Fun of Rita Repulsa. When Rita was unable to defeat Pizza Hut and the Power Rangers with her predictable tactics, Lord Zedd arrived and took up shop, selling her land as well and making a new base.
His main ideal was just purely to defeat the Power Rangers, then turn Earth into one large Evil Empire sex slave corporation. His plan was thwarted when Rita returned to reclaim her territory with her lawyers. Instead of counter-countersuing, Zedd joined forces with Rita to destroy the Rangers once and for all. Before they could perform the final blow, the Machine Empire destroyed their base and sent them running to Alpha Gamma V to set up their own family cafe.
- Famous Line: "IT'S LORD ZEDD! NOW PREPARE TO
DIEBE SENT TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!"
- One to three of the Rangers are trying to achieve something. May or may not involve Bulk and Skull.
- Any number of the above mentioned Rangers will suddenly be attacked by Rita's minions. They're gray.
- They win this battle, usually. It's hard to tell.
- There's a crisis. Red, Pink, Blue, Yellow and Black Ranger (RPBY&B) will meet with Zordon (not to be confused with Zaltar, Zordon's cousin) and be sent out to defeat an ugly monster. Green Ranger can't come, 'cause he has "limited power".
- Red Ranger shouts "MORPHIN' TIME!". They then do a campy little dance before pressing a button on what looks like a wristwatch, meaning they didn't have to do the dance in the first place. They then change into their "power armor", which consists of skin-tight garishly-colored spandex with the magical power to not show a lump near the crotch.
- Japanese Super Sentai (pronounced "Souper Sent-aye") stock footage of monster fights...or American footage with EXPLOSIONS EVERY TIME THEY BREATHE.
- They fight the monster. They lose.
- They morph back and metaphorically talk about the conflict from the beginning. The monster stands around in the same area, proclaiming terror and not doing much while the Rangers plan. The Power Rangers morph back and apply their lessons to fighting monsters.
- They combine their weapons and fire some beam. They get a good hit in, but Rita interferes, throws her staff thing down from the sky and says "GROW!". The enemy grows to precisely the size of the Ranger's Zords.
- Nobody expects this.
- The monster walks around without doing anything.
The following happen in any order -
- RPBY&B will jump into an toy robot made out of dinosaurs. This is always as big as the fully grown monster.
- Green Ranger arrives. He blows his dagger-whistle. Green Ranger's toy robot, also a dinosaur, arrives and fights alongside the other toy robot.
- Sometimes the monster will kick the shit out of their blown out of proportion toy robot dinosaur and they all combine into an even bigger and more blown out of proportion toy robot dinosaur. Otherwise they use a cheap plastic sword that appears from lightning to kill the monster.
- Sometimes their even bigger and more blown out of proportion toy robot dinosaur will get it's ass kicked and will step onto this titanium scooter and fire electric sparks. Otherwise, they drill a hole in the monster causing it to explode in a fury of electrical sparks and fire.
- Something fortunate happens. The monster dies. (this is generally rare due to lack of interest in non-violent deaths of enemies)
After the enemy dies -
- The plot from the beginning comes to a conclusion.
- There's a moral, Nobody pays attention to it.
- Bulk and Skull do something funny/stupid. (optional, usually involves messy food)
- The city that was partially levelled in the fight is rebuilt overnight, sleeping soundly despite the fact the same event happens every time "Kids Up In The Attic" comes on.
Power Rangers' Theme Song
The Power Rangers' Theme Song is the single most important piece of music ever. The very essence of all existence is captured in this short but very precise song. Having the almighty Slash play this reaffirms the power of this song. To deny this power is to deny God himself.
Irregularities Between the American and Japanese Rangers
Little do people know is that Power Rangers is based off a Japanese show and uses sentai and robot scenes from it. Unfortunately, with all remakes, the Americans mess up with something...
|The Americans||The Japanese|
|Hey, it's Zordon!||Who's the big-chinned floating head in the tube? Is that who the Americans call Bulk?|
|TOO SCARY FOR KIDS! METAL! BONES! VEINS! SUE!||What a pathetic excuse for an inserted villain!|
|ROFLMFAO!||Darn Americans, screwing with our show.|
|Hey, it's that floating head dude that appears every-so-often.||Cool! It's Great Satan who was called upon by Bandora from Hell to wreak havoc on Earth!|
|That's news to me...||I remember that! That's when Dora Talos totally destroyed the robots, destroying one of Daizyujin's arms and the Guardian Beast Dragon Caesar's tail! Man, too bad Bandora's son died in the Dora Talos mecha, made her lose her power, which ended up with her being locked away and never be seen again until she turned good.|
- Tom Cruise as gay giant robot
- Madonna as Rita Repulsa.
- David Letterman as Lord Zedd.
- Jay Leno as Zordon.
- Bob Saget as the Blue Ranger.
- Mariah Carey as the Pink Ranger.
- Rudy Van Der Saniei, as himself
- Martha Stewart as the Scented Light Aqua Turquoise Ranger.
- The voice of Vash the Stampede as the Asian Black Ranger, not to be confused with the Black Asian Ranger.
- Johnny Depp as a drunken pirate who wandered onto the set.
- Godzilla as Serpentera.
- Rusty Wallace as a hostage in episodes 4-23.
- Megazord as himself, with Cher used as regular stand in.
- Jose Canseco as the Red Ranger.
- David Suzuki as the Green Ranger.
With special cameo appearances by:
- Lewis Hamilton as Putty Patrol member #1, #2, #4.
- "Famine" as Putty Patrol member #3.
- "Twister1337" as Putty Patrol member #5.
- Lou Dobbs as a grumpy, socially-conservative old man calling for tighter border security between the earth and the moon.
- The five new Daleks as the latest ranger team
In May 2010, Haim Saban (the original creator of the show) had bought back the rights to Power Rangers (whoot!), and thus brought the show back to life in the form of Power Rangers: Samurai, which started airing on Nickelodeon (why?!) in February 2011. Despite the fact that the show should have been using the current Super Sentai footage, it's great to know that Bulk came back to the show after a 9-year absense.