Pot v. Kettle

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Kettle

A peaceful kettle rally held by Kettles of Kountless Kolours outside of the Kapitol

Pot v. Kettle was a landmark case in USA history, giving people the right to make hypocritical statements without fear of retribution. It began as a civil rights case, as Kettle alleged that Pot "did not let [Kettle] work at the Pot's store solely for the colour of [his] kitchenware". What made this Supreme Court case unique was the fact that the Pot himself was black, as was the Kettle.

Background of the Case

The case originated in the small country town of Alabamaton, Mississippi. Kettle entered the Pot's store (which shall remain nameless) for a job interview. The interview was flatly denied by Pot, citing "irreconcilable differences". Later Pot amended the reason, saying that he mixed up his divorce papers with the job application. Pot clarified, saying "Ain't no black object gonna work at my store, no siree."

Kettle filed a lawsuit with the Mississippi Civil Court. The lawsuit was immediately accepted, and they went to trial at the Mississippi Courthouse (picture: [1])

Many boring legal motions occurred, and eventually it was taken all the way to the Supreme Court.

A Nationwide Frenzy

Deliberations went on for weeks. The main issues were many: Can one discriminate against people of their own race or creed for their race or creed? Was Kettle's immediate lawsuit justified? Are inanimate objects included under the Constitution? What is the best flavor of jelly? Should the black frying pan be allowed to work in Pot's store? Can I have a dollar?

Eventually a massive media frenzy surrounded the case. Many rallies for both sides were held in the streets of Washington DC, beginning the age of Free Love (for reasons unbeknownst to humankind). Surprisingly, the case was not politically charged. Rather, culinary preferences charged the arguments. People who liked tea generally were on the side of Kettle, whereas people who also liked tea but preferred it in a pot were on the side of Pot.

None of the chaos mattered, however. It all came down to the Court's decision.

The Supreme Court's Decision

The decisions of the court broke down as thus:

  • Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist: Kettle
  • Justice Optimus Prime: Pot
  • Justice Sandra Day O'Connor: Pot
  • Justice Antonin Scalia: Kettle
  • Justice Anthony Kennedy: Kettle
  • Justice David Souter: Pot
  • Justice Clarence Thomas: Kettle
  • Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Pot
  • Special Guest Judge Snoop Dogg: Pot

In a surprise, Pot won the case in a 5-4 decision. The deciding vote was Snoop Dogg's, who voted Pot because he thought the ballot was an order form.

Effects of the Case

The effects of this case were twofold:

  • Inanimate objects were put under the "OK" list in the Discrimination Articles
  • People were allowed to make utterly ironic and hypocritical statements without fear of a tarnished reputation.

To this day, no inanimate object has held a major political office (with the exception of Al Gore). There have been attempts at a re-hearing for several years, but to no avail.

In popular culture, references to the case are common in instances where a pot (or kettle) makes a foolish statement in which they criticise a kettle (or pot) for holding the same traits as the pot (or kettle) making the statement.

See Also

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