Postman Pat

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Patrick Postman O'Patrick, AKA Postman Pat, was born in 1962 - he was due to arrive in 1960, but was delivered late. He's a postman who's simply famous for being a postman. My grandfather was a postman once, but no one ever made a documentary about him. But then, life is unfair. He has starred in a TV show for many years, which shares his name. The show is in the style of Heroes and Bob the Builder.

Contents 1 "Niggs", The Black man 2 Ryan Hepwoth 3 Merchandise 4 List of Episodes 4.1 Series 1 4.2 Series 2 4.3 Series 3 4.4 Series 4 4.5 Series 5 4.6 Series 6 5 Postman Pat and Admiral Ackbar in TRAP ATTACK! 6 Characters 7 Music 8 Postman Pat Gallery

[edit] "Niggs", The Black man

Niggs, Postman Pat's extremely retarded, nigger assistant, was introduced in an attempt to provide something that wanted to be mauled by Pat, in Series Two. The character proved an instant hit with the ratings, and has been on the show ever since, often causing trouble! Niggs' favourite pastimes include:

• Theiving.
• Tripping-up Pat.
• Chewing on people's boners.
• breaking into cars.
• Violent crime.
• Causing hilarity.
• Getting into scrapes.
• Racism (calling people honkey).
• Repeating the above process towards other whites.
• Sex.

Niggs is believed to be an attempt by the KKK to launch a mixed race character into the series, clearly due to his black and white markings due to generations of imbreeding. These were made, however, when Niggs had a hair transplant of pubic hair from an old farmer with crabs and herpes after an encounter with a deranged paki.

[edit] Ryan Hepwoth

Ryan Hepworth was a character introduced to influence hatred towards homosexualts and fat lesbians.

[edit] Merchandise

Merchandise includes The Postman Pat Sex Toy in which you can play with his very large AND I MEAN VERY LARGE... nose. A video game for the X Box was entitled Postman Pat: Hit and Run in which you would run over the residents of Greendale in Pats van in exchange for points. The game outsold all Grand Theft Auto games put together and is currently sitting top of the games chart.

[edit] List of Episodes

[edit] Series 1

1. Postman Begins - Pat, his wife Dorothy and son Julian move to Greendale, and immediately start to stir up trouble. Julian takes an instant liking to his teacher, Rebecca Hubbard.
2. The Dark Night - Of Posting - Pat does the early shift. He hears strange things through the windows.
3. Mrs. Goggins Gets Inappropiate - Highest rated TV show of the year 1998.
4. The Last Letter - Pat realises that one of his letters, marked Top Secret MI5, is not in his area. He burns it. Princess Diana later dies.
5. Pat Runs Over A Sheep - Pat learns that burial is not quick and easy, and soon gives up. Meanwhile, Granny Dryden moves to Paris.
6. The Lamb Chops - Pat and his family eat lamb chops. Meanwhile, Farmer Thompson is missing a sheep.
7. Where Is Granny Dryden? - Pat uses his postmanship skills to find a missing person. He fails.
8. The Hubbard Affair - Rebecca Hubbard is arrested for downloading child pornography. Cliffhanger ending - Is she guilty?

[edit] Series 2

1. Pat's Worst Hour - Pat is called to testify against Hubbard. But then he finds out it is his own son in the pictures.
2. Someone Behind You! - Pat fears he is being stalked. It later turns out it is just a stray cat, Jess. He adopts her. Meanwhile, Ajay, an Indian train driver, moves to Greendale.
3. Broken Van - The big red van breaks down. Luckily, Ted Glen will fix it, but for a favour. A sexual favour.
4. So That's What Fragile Means! - Pat breaks a parcel belonging to Indian train driver, Ajay. Pat, feeling awful, tells him that it was an accident, just like all of Ajay's children, the fucking idiot.
5. Humps, Hats and Automobiles - Jess kidnaps a prostitute, and hides her in the van. Meanwhile, Pat has lost his hat in a field of sheep, and Mrs. Goggins' car won't start, even with Ted helping.
6. Knocked Up Cat - Pat decides to neuter Jess, but can't afford the vet's bills. So he steals money out of one of Ajay's children's birthday cards, before replacing it in the envelope.
7. Nicked Up Pat - Pat is arrested on a charge of stealing. Ajay the Indian also sues him for racial harassment.
8. Free - Pat is released after sleeping with the prison warden. He vows his revenge against Ajay. Farmer Thompson accidentally shoots his own foot.
9. Junk Male - Pat is fired from the Royal Mail, and turns to drinking. Meanwhile, Granny Dryden makes a shock return. Short of money, Pat blackmails her about her previous disappearance. Cliffhanger ending - has she committed suicide?

[edit] Series 3

1. Greendale Fair - Pat's wife Dorothy leaves him, and he gets drunk at the fair. Meanwhile, police investigate Granny Dryden's disappearance.
2. Closet Man - Granny Dryden returns, and Ted Glen officially comes out of the closet. Pat immediately stops delivering letters to him, being a homophobe.
3. Goggins And Co. - The UK Government are threatening to close small Post Offices. Pat and Mrs Goggins rally around to get the Greendale village to save theirs.
4. Julian - Pat loses custody of his son, Julian, due to his drinking. Ted Glen, the only gay in the village, comforts him.
5. Secret Letters - Pat becomes suspicious when another MI5 letter comes through for Granny Dryden. Later, suicide bombers attack the World Trade Center. Pat also overcomes his addiction.
6. Jess Vs Ajay - Jess pees on all of Ajay's letters. Ajay assumes this is more abuse from Pat. He is right.
7. The New Movie - Everybody flocks to see the new movie "Harry Potter and the Dead Fly" in Greendale Cinema. Pat uses this oppurtunity to steal their money.
8. Postcards - Pat takes great delight in reading everybody's postcards, and then telling everybody in the pub.
9. The Death - Granny Dryden's bullet-ridden body is found in the street. Pat is blamed. Cliffhanger ending - whodunnit?

[edit] Series 4

1. Post Man's Questions - Pat is taken in for questioning about Dryden's murder, but released without charge. Meanwhile, Ted, depressed he can't get a boyfriend, turns to drugs.
2. Interview With The Van-Buyer - Pat buys a new van. He chooses yellow, but Jess doesn't like it.
3. Revelations Chapter One - Pat gets letters to Granny Dryden, and he opens them. After all, its just a dead woman's letters. He discovers she worked for MI5.
4. The Last Battle - Pat accuses Ajay of being an Indian spy, who killed Dryden. Ajay attempts to run Pat over, but misses and hits Jess, seriously injuring her. Pat sues him, successfully. Ajay is also arrested for murder.
5. Revelations Chapter Two - Julian comes to visit, and announces he is now gay. Pat turns to drink again. Meanwhile, Julian and Ted hook up.
6. Goggins Goes Bust - The Post Office is shut down, and Mrs Goggins is forced on to the street. Pat laughs. Meanwhile, Rebeccca Hubbard returns from prison.
7. An Act Of Kindness - Pat allows Mrs Goggins to live with him. They both are alcoholics, and have drunken sex. Pat says it meant nothing.
8. The One - Julian leaves Pat to return home. Mrs Goggins wants more sex from Pat. Meanwhile, he delivers a birthday cake to Farmer Thompson.
9. Milk - Pat tries out milking cows on his day off. Nothing else happens.
10. Sad Story Of Ted - Ted's substance abuse gets worse, and he is still secretly seeing Julian. Pat accidentally gives Jess dog food.
11. I Want You, Pat - Mrs Goggins confesses her undying love for Pat, just as Rebecca Hubbard tries to molest Julian. Ted discovers this, and shoots Hubbard. Cliffhanger ending - Is she dead?

[edit] Series 5

Series 5 is due to start sometime this summer, episodes are currently being filmed. There will be 12 episodes. Executive Producer M. Night Shyamalan has said the new series will focus more on the characters, less on the job. Storylines include the romance between Mrs Goggins and Pat, Ted's arrest and the introduction of some Polish characters, to bring back the popular BBC racist slant. Pat may also get a dog. Pat, Julian, Ted, Mrs Goggins, Rebecca Hubbard, Jess and Farmer Thompson will all reappear, with Thompson becoming a much more fleshed out character, with some secrets of his own.

1. The Even Sadder Story Of Ted - Rebecca Hubbard survives her shooting with minor scars. She flees to Newcastle. Ted is arrested by the police who now compromise of PC Selby and a Polish trucker named Mr. Lorryski. Pat decides to steal Ted's drugs and sell them at high prices on eBay.
2. In The Nick - Ted is sent to court and told to do community service for 100 hours in Liverpool. He fears for his life. Rightly so. Meanwhile, Pat decides he needs a new pet. Jess leaves and starts to plan something dark.
3. Fixing Bets - Pat decides to rig the X Factor vote and does quite well. Eventually he gets bored and decides to go buy his new pet. The same week, Jedward are knocked out.
4. Pat's New Pet - Pat doesn't know what his new companion should be. He refuses sheep as they are Welsh, he refuses haggis as they are Scottish and he refuses a mouse because he cannot find it to kick it when he's angry. He eventually buys a West Highland Terrier and calls it Mac.
5. The Death II - Pat's ex-wife is shot in Vienna. Pat gets the news and whoops with joy. Mac ravages all the post. Mrs Goggins continues to lust after Pat in alluring ways.
6. Anger Management Chapter One - After he kills a local OAP with a cricket bat, Pat is sent to guidence counseller Morgan Freeman. What starts off as a course in controling his emotions soon turns personal for Pat after Freeman threatens to kill his son with a pick axe. Features guest appearence of Morgan Freeman.
7. Anger Management Chapter Two - Pat challenges Freeman to a fight to the death. Farmer Thompson builds an arena where the two will fight. Freeman is supremely confident, but Mrs Goggins spikes his water with a little known drug called Hyploximosiacannatackleless. Freeman seems to have the upper hand in the fight, but explodes just seconds before he wins. Pat is declared a town hero. Features guest appearence of Morgan Freeman.
8. Pat And The Postmistress - Pat and Mrs Goggins have more wild drunken sex. Pat starts to develop feelings for her. Ajay returns from his short term jail sentence and vows to get his revenge. Mac pisses on Ajay's train. Ajay takes this as another insult.
9. Battle Of The Illegal Immigrants - After learning that there is now a Pole in Greendale, Ajay turns his attention to him and tries to kill him. Lorryski goes to Pat for help but is turned down. Lorryski challenges Ajay to a race to Linconshire and back. The winner will stay in Greendale; the loser packs their bags.
10. Race Of The Illegal Immigrants - Pat realizes he can kill two birds with one stone and plans to sabotage the race. He uses roadblocks, trees, Mac, flamethrowers and the Russian Army to try and stop them. He fails, but Lorryski wins. Ajay leaves and vows to have revenge on Pat and Lorryski.
11. The Dark Secrets Of Farmer Thompson - Famer Thompson reveals that he killed Granny Dryden because she ruined his crops whilst flying over in a spy plane. Pat decides not to turn him in as he still wants to blame Ajay. To get over it, Pat takes Thompson and Mrs Goggins to London for a holiday.
12. Thompson Goes South - Pat, Farmer Thompson and Mrs Goggins are enjoying London, but Rebecca Hubbard turns up, apparently stalking Julian. Pat, in a drunken rage, tells her to clear off. The following morning, Hubbard is found with both her legs sawn off. Cliffhanger ending - is Pat, Thompson or Goggins guilty?

[edit] Series 6

The BBC have commissioned twelve new episodes for Series Six. They will feature Pat and Mrs Goggins' developing relationship, Ted's return and Ajay and Jess' diabolical plans. Also, there will be more guest stars than before.

1. The Case Of The Sawn Off Legs - Rebecca Hubbard has new, metal legs attached in a life saving oppertunity. It turns out a drunk Peter Mandelson sawed off Hubbard's legs for reasons unknown. Pat blames Ajay again. Mac loses his tail in an incident with a lawn mower. Features guest appearence of Peter Mandelson.
2. Pat Gets Wasted - Pat and Mrs Goggins have more wild drunken sex. Mac uses a yardbrush as his new tail.
3. The Return Of Ted Glen - Ted returns from Liverpool. He has managed to give up drugs but is still gay. Pat sells the rest of Ted's drugs quickly.
4. The Last Stand Of Adolf Hitler Chapter One - Adolf Hitler moves into Ajay's old house. Lorryski fears as he is Polish and Jewish. He gains support from Mrs Goggins and Farmer Thompson but Pat and Ted ally with Hitler. Features guest appearence of Adolf Hitler.
5. The Last Stand Of Adolf Hitler Chapter Two - Lorryski and over 300 other Polish illegal immigrants prepare to fight Hitler, Pat and Ted to the end. The skirmish leaves the fields of Greendale are set on fire. Hitler manages to single-handedly kill all the Polish, bar Lorryski and his sidkick, Smithski. Lorryski kills Hitler with the pick axe Morgan Freeman threatened to use on Julian last series. Pat and Ted plan to rid Greendale of illegal immigrants. Features guest appearence of Adolf Hitler.
6. Julian Returns - Julian returns to Greendale for a bit. He and Ted start dating again. Pat puts his illegal immigrant plan into action. Greendale's new vicar, the Reverend Timns, disagrees with Pat's morals but helps him anyway.
7. The Transformer - Pat's van turns out to be Optimus Prime in disguise. Mac nearly kills Mrs Goggins after she gives him coffee.
8. Death Of A Dog - Pat decides to put Mac down after attacks Mrs Goggins again. Mac tries to flee but is ran over by Lorryski. Pat sees this as an insult and shoots Lorryski in the back.
9. Tried - Pat is sent to court, but his lawyer Ted gets him out without a charge. Pat manages to blame Smithski. Under new EU guidlines, Smithski is executed by the electric chair, whilst Pat laughs. Lorryski surrvives and also vows revenge on Pat.
10. Pat, Ted, Thompson, Goggins and Optimus Vs The Rest Of Greendale Chapter Two - Jess returns and rallies the rest of Greendale through bribary, threats and hypnotism to join him and Ajay against Pat and his allies. Preparation for war begins.
11. Pat, Ted, Thompson, Goggins and Optimus Vs The Rest Of Greendale Chapter Two - The first shots are fired as Greendale enters a state of civil war. Jess has recruited the rest of Greendale, led by Reverend Timns, the U.S. army, some Polish immigrants and the Labour Party, whereas Pat has Ted, Farmer Thompson, Mrs Goggins, Optimus Prime, Darth Vader and your mom. The war srts brutally, but who will win?
12. Pat, Ted, Thompson, Goggins and Optimus Vs The Rest Of Greendale Chapter Three - As the civil war reaches its peak, everything seems to go tits up. Timns is choked by Vader, your mom is stabbed by Ajay, Optimus Prime destroys the U.S. army, Mrs Goggins is killed by Jess, the Polish immigrants flee when Ted runs at them and Pat and Thompson shoot the Labour Party members. In the final stand off, Pat kills Jess, and then, overcome with grief, tries to shoot himself. He misses, but kills Julian instead. Overcome with more grief, he prepares to commit suicide, but is stopped by Farmer Thompson, who turns out to be the thirteenth incarnation of The Doctor. The Doctor says he can save everyone, to which Pat agrees. The Doctor alters time to four weeks before Jess's return. Back in the past, Pat reconciles with Jess, preventing the war. Ajay swears ultimate revenge on Pat and flees to Bradford to plan his return. Cliffhanger ending - Has Pat had his chips?

[edit] Postman Pat and Admiral Ackbar in TRAP ATTACK!

A feature length movie was made starring the stars of Postman Pat and Star Wars. It told the story of Ackbar being tried for selling Hyploximosiacannatackleless on Endor to Ewoks. Ackbar fleed to Greendale where he and Pat had to outwit many evil forms of villains in order to not be caught by the FBI. the CIA, MI5, MI6, the LAPD and the Galactic Empire.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

[edit] Characters

• Postman Pat - the hero (or antihero), Pat is a lovable rogue who enjoys sex, racism, the Daily Mail, extra-marital affairs and crime. (Series 1-4)
• Dorothy Pat - Never seen on screen, Pat's wife left him after learning of him sleeping with the prison warden. She was later shot in Series 5. (Series 1-3)
• Julian Pat - Postman's son, Julian is a minor character who was introduced in Series 1 when it was revealed he had posed naked for Rebecca Hubbard. (Series 1-4)
• Jess the Cat - A stray, black and white cat, Jess was adopted by Pat and has since become one of the most popular characters, with more speaking lines than Farmer Thompson in most episodes. (Series 2-4)
• Ted Glen - Ted, the gay mechanic, always knows how to fix things. He always helps Pat out when he's short of cash, so long as he is repaid by other means. (We mean sex, by the way). (Series 1-4)
• Ajay the Indian - Ajay is an immigrant who runs the local train station. First appearing in Series 2, he once tried to sue Pat for racial harassment. (Series 2, 3)
• Farmer Thompson - A farmer who has, so far, appeared in only 2 episodes, but is soon to appear in more. (Series 1, 4)
• Granny Dryden - Dryden is an old woman who disappeared at the end of Series 1. It was revealed when she finally returned that she had been working for MI5, though Pat thought she was a serial killer. She died at the end of Series 3. (Series 1-3)
• Rebecca Hubbard - Hubbard was the local teacher in Series 1, who later turned out to be a paedophile. She was imprisoned in Series 2. (Series 1, 4)
• Mrs. Goggins - The local postmistress, she was known to be sex-starved, but Pat refused her advances. When the Royal Mail closed down Greendale Post Office, she moved in with Pat. (Series 1-4)

[edit] Music

The theme tune for Postman Pat was released as a single. As it was successful, a new Postman Pat song was released entitled Smack My Bitch Up. The song was at number one in the charts for 6 months.

The lyrics for the original theme tune were:

Postman Pat, Postman Pat... Postman Pat and his black-and-white, syphilis infected penis... Early in the morning... Postman Pat's out whoring... Postman Pat's a very slutty man.

An alternative, unreleased version of the theme song is as follows:

Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat ran over his cat, Blood and guts went flying, Postman Pat was crying, Postman Pat was full of dismay, But one thing he just had to say, He'd never seen his cat as flat as that! So here is the lesson, It's by far the Best'un So learn it please, be a Gentleman, Pat will never drink and drive again!

[edit] Postman Pat Gallery

When mailing goes wrong...	Pat meets Weegee	Pat the Inventor.	Pat gives out food.
A Short Story starring Pat.	Pat's captured and he needs help!