Postman Pat

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“Oh, I've fuckin filled more than a letter box me you know”

~ Postman Pat on his exploits

“I'd love to deliver something up yours”

~ Postman Pat on some weird parcel fetish he has

Patrick Postman O'Patrick, AKA Postman Pat, was born in 1962 - he was due to arrive in 1960, but was delivered late. He's a postman who's simply famous for being a postman. My grandfather was a postman once, but no one ever made a documentary about him. But then, life is unfair. He has starred in a TV show for many years, which shares his name. The show is in the style of Heroes and Bob the Builder.

Contents 1 Jess, The Black And White (and possibly Yellow) Cat 2 Merchandise 3 List of Episodes 3.1 Series 1 3.2 Series 2 3.3 Series 3 3.4 Series 4 3.5 Series 5 4 Characters 5 Music 6 Postman Pat Gallery

[edit] Jess, The Black And White (and possibly Yellow) Cat

Jess, Postman Pat's extremely retarded, assistant cat was introduced in an attempt to provide something that wanted to be mauled by Pat, in Series Two. The character proved an instant hit with the ratings, and has been on the show ever since, often causing trouble! Jess's favourite pastimes include:

• Sleeping.
• Tripping-up Pat.
• Chewing on people's legs.
• Being huffed by Pat (in a drunken stupor, no less).
• Sleeping.
• Causing hilarity.
• Getting into scrapes.
• Sleeping.
• Repeating the above process.
• Sex.

Jess is believed to be an attempt by the BBC to launch a mixed race character into the series, clearly due to her black and white markings. These were made, however, when Jess had a hair transplant from a badger after an encounter with a deranged frog. In 2009 Pat got a death threat from the BNP for Jess being black and white.

[edit] Merchandise

Merchandise includes The Postman Pat Sex Toy in which you can play with his very large AND I MEAN VERY LARGE... nose. A video game for the X Box was entitled Postman Pat: Hit and Run in which you would run over the residents of Greendale in Pats van in exchange for points. The game outsold all Grand Theft Auto games put together and is currently sitting top of the games chart.

[edit] List of Episodes

[edit] Series 1

1. Postman Begins - Pat, his wife Dorothy and son Julian move to Greendale, and immediately start to stir up trouble. Julian takes an instant liking to his teacher, Rebecca Hubbard.
2. The Dark Night - Of Posting - Pat does the early shift. He hears strange things through the windows.
3. Mrs. Goggins Gets Inappropiate - Highest rated TV show of the year 1998.
4. The Last Letter - Pat realises that one of his letters, marked Top Secret MI5, is not in his area. He burns it. Princess Diana later dies.
5. Pat Runs Over A Sheep - Pat learns that burial is not quick and easy, and soon gives up. Meanwhile, Granny Dryden moves to Paris.
6. The Lamb Chops - Pat and his family eat lamb chops. Meanwhile, Farmer Thompson is missing a sheep.
7. Where Is Granny Dryden? - Pat uses his postmanship skills to find a missing person. He fails.
8. The Hubbard Affair - Rebecca Hubbard is arrested for downloading child pornography. Cliffhanger ending - Is she guilty?

[edit] Series 2

1. Pat's Worst Hour - Pat is called to testify against Hubbard. But then he finds out it is his own son in the pictures.
2. Someone Behind You! - Pat fears he is being stalked. It later turns out it is just a stray cat, Jess. He adopts her. Meanwhile, Ajay, an Indian train driver, moves to Greendale.
3. Broken Van - The big red van breaks down. Luckily, Ted Glen will fix it, but for a favour. A sexual favour.
4. So That's What Fragile Means! - Pat breaks a parcel belonging to Indian train driver, Ajay. Pat, feeling awful, tells him that it was an accident, just like all of Ajay's children, the fucking idiot.
5. Humps, Hats and Automobiles - Jess kidnaps a prostitute, and hides her in the van. Meanwhile, Pat has lost his hat in a field of sheep, and Mrs. Goggins' car won't start, even with Ted helping.
6. Knocked Up Cat - Pat decides to neuter Jess, but can't afford the vet's bills. So he steals money out of one of Ajay's children's birthday cards, before replacing it in the envelope.
7. Nicked Up Pat - Pat is arrested on a charge of stealing. Ajay the Indian also sues him for racial harassment.
8. Free - Pat is released after sleeping with the prison warden. He vows his revenge against Ajay. Farmer Thompson accidentally shoots his own foot.
9. Junk Male - Pat is fired from the Royal Mail, and turns to drinking. Meanwhile, Granny Dryden makes a shock return. Short of money, Pat blackmails her about her previous disappearance. Cliffhanger ending - has she committed suicide?

[edit] Series 3

1. Greendale Fair - Pat's wife Dorothy leaves him, and he gets drunk at the fair. Meanwhile, police investigate Granny Dryden's disappearance.
2. Closet Man - Granny Dryden returns, and Ted Glen officially comes out of the closet. Pat immediately stops delivering letters to him, being a homophobe.
3. Goggins And Co. - The UK Government are threatening to close small Post Offices. Pat and Mrs Goggins rally around to get the Greendale village to save theirs.
4. Julian - Pat loses custody of his son, Julian, due to his drinking. Ted Glen, the only gay in the village, comforts him.
5. Secret Letters - Pat becomes suspicious when another MI5 letter comes through for Granny Dryden. Later, suicide bombers attack the World Trade Center. Pat also overcomes his addiction.
6. Jess Vs Ajay - Jess pees on all of Ajay's letters. Ajay assumes this is more abuse from Pat. He is right.
7. The New Movie - Everybody flocks to see the new movie "Harry Potter and the Dead Fly" in Greendale Cinema. Pat uses this oppurtunity to steal their money.
8. Postcards - Pat takes great delight in reading everybody's postcards, and then telling everybody in the pub.
9. The Death - Granny Dryden's bullet-ridden body is found in the street. Pat is blamed. Cliffhanger ending - whodunnit?

[edit] Series 4

1. Post Man's Questions - Pat is taken in for questioning about Dryden's murder, but released without charge. Meanwhile, Ted, depressed he can't get a boyfriend, turns to drugs.
2. Interview With The Van-Buyer - Pat buys a new van. He chooses yellow, but Jess doesn't like it.
3. Revelations Chapter One - Pat gets letters to Granny Dryden, and he opens them. After all, its just a dead woman's letters. He discovers she worked for MI5.
4. The Last Battle - Pat accuses Ajay of being an Indian spy, who killed Dryden. Ajay attempts to run Pat over, but misses and hits Jess, killing her. Pat sues him, successfully. Ajay is also arrested for murder.
5. Revelations Chapter Two - Julian comes to visit, and announces he is now gay. Pat turns to drink again. Meanwhile, Julian and Ted hook up.
6. Goggins Goes Bust - The Post Office is shut down, and Mrs Goggins is forced on to the street. Pat laughs. Meanwhile, Rebeccca Hubbard returns from prison.
7. An Act Of Kindness - Pat allows Mrs Goggins to live with him. They both are alcoholics, and have drunken sex. Pat says it meant nothing.
8. The One - Julian leaves Pat to return home. Mrs Goggins wants more sex from Pat. Meanwhile, he delivers a birthday cake to Farmer Thompson.
9. Milk - Pat tries out milking cows on his day off. Nothing else happens.
10. Sad Story Of Ted - Ted's substance abuse gets worse, and he is still secretly seeing Julian. Pat accidentally gives Jess dog food.
11. I Want You, Pat - Mrs Goggins confesses her undying love for Pat, just as Rebecca Hubbard tries to molest Julian. Ted discovers this, and shoots Hubbard. Cliffhanger ending - Is she dead?

[edit] Series 5

Series 5 is due to start sometime this summer, episodes are currently being filmed. There will be 12 episodes. Executive Producer M. Night Shyamalan has said the new series will focus more on the characters, less on the job. Storylines include the romance between Mrs Goggins and Pat, Ted's arrest and the introduction of some Polish characters, to bring back the popular BBC racist slant. Pat may also get a dog. Pat, Julian, Ted, Mrs Goggins, Rebecca Hubbard, Jess and Farmer Thompson will all reappear, with Thompson becoming a much more fleshed out character, with some secrets of his own.

[edit] Characters

• Postman Pat - the hero (or antihero), Pat is a lovable rogue who enjoys sex, racism, the Daily Mail, extra-marital affairs and crime. (Series 1-4)
• Dorothy Pat - Never seen on screen, Pat's wife left him after learning of him sleeping with the prison warden. (Series 1-3)
• Julian Pat - Postman's son, Julian is a minor character who was introduced in Series 1 when it was revealed he had posed naked for Rebecca Hubbard. (Series 1-4)
• Jess the Cat - A stray, black and white cat, Jess was adopted by Pat and has since become one of the most popular characters, with more speaking lines than Farmer Thompson in most episodes. (Series 2-4)
• Ted Glen - Ted, the gay mechanic, always knows how to fix things. He always helps Pat out when he's short of cash, so long as he is repaid by other means. (We mean sex, by the way). (Series 1-4)
• Ajay the Indian - Ajay is an immigrant who runs the local train station. First appearing in Series 2, he once tried to sue Pat for racial harassment. (Series 2, 3)
• Farmer Thompson - A farmer who has, so far, appeared in only 2 episodes, but is soon to appear in more. (Series 1, 4)
• Granny Dryden - Dryden is an old woman who disappeared at the end of Series 1. It was revealed when she finally returned that she had been working for MI5, though Pat thought she was a serial killer. She died at the end of Series 3. (Series 1-3)
• Rebecca Hubbard - Hubbard was the local teacher in Series 1, who later turned out to be a paedophile. She was imprisoned in Series 2. (Series 1, 4)
• Mrs. Goggins - The local postmistress, she was known to be sex-starved, but Pat refused her advances. When the Royal Mail closed down Greendale Post Office, she moved in with Pat. (Series 1-4)

[edit] Music

The theme tune for Postman Pat was released as a single. As it was successful, a new Postman Pat song was released entitled Smack My Bitch Up. The song was at number one in the charts for 6 months.

The lyrics for the original theme tune were:

Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat ran over his cat, Blood and guts went flying, Postman Pat was crying, Postman Pat was full of dismay, But one thing he just had to say, He'd never seen his cat as flat as that! So here is the lesson, It's by far the Best'un So learn it please, be a Gentleman, Pat will never drink and drive again!

[edit] Postman Pat Gallery

When mailing goes wrong...	Pat meets Weegee	Pat the Inventor.	Pat gives out food.
A Short Story starring Pat.	Pat's captured and he needs help!