Portsmouth, Hampshire

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An aerial view of Portsmouth

“You screwing my bird?”
~ A resident of Portsmouth interrogating a maintenance official adjusting the top of one of the flagpoles in front of the municipal office building

Portsmouth is the third most inbred city in England after Southampton and Incester. It is a shit hole.

It features some painstaking maritime traditions, half human/half squid prostitutes, and a nearly nonexistent education system. Suicide is rare in Portsmouth, as most suicides wake up on the fateful day to instead find themselves murdered. The city's murder rate is higher than the whole of the United States of America, so much so that a mixed-race child will choke itself with its umbilical cord even though a tit beckons.

Portsmouth is a famous rival of neighboring Southampton, the only place more inbred than Portsmouth. A full 95% of residents have grandparents who are actually their parents.

In 2006, Portsmouth erected the Spinnaker Tower, to prove to the inhabitants that the height of the sky is further than the fifth floor of their council flat. This led to a 250% rise in injuries sustained by walking into lamposts whilst staring upwards in wonderment.

edit Education


A pupil in detention contemplates how he might "skate."

Barely any Portsmouth residents have received any form of education beyond such acculturisation obtained from being read their legal rights.

Portsmouth has erected its own Post-92 university, so-called because the arrival of 'Pompey Dave' surpassed the previous cognitive high-water-mark of IQ 92. The university's master plan calls for it to attract students whose IQ matches the national average, rendering it a Post-100 institution.

These noble plans fail to account for government's future plans to split off Portsmouth from the UK entirely, as a 'de-facto state' — to be used as a scapegoat-cum-nuclear punch bag in the event of any potential war scenario with Russia, China, or the Shetland Islands within the next 50 years.

Consequently, the university houses a multitude of degenerate London youth who were at the scene of the crime, but "dident do nuffink" — and boasts a myriad of highly unnecessary courses. Many of these purport to be of 'degree standard' despite possessing a utility value worth less than the putrid menstrual rags they are printed (or smeared) on. The coursework has recourse to one basic justification: Wolverhampton also has a university.

The term "NFP," to mean a person of low intelligence, actually stands for "Normal for Portsmouth". In Portsmouth there is a school called Milton Cross, which has a 45% pass rate, in terms of making it to the end of the day. The "end of the day" is the hour at which the pubs begin to serve alcohol and the day's first catch arrives in the docks.

Unfortunately, most of the low-life Portsmouth natives remain in the city limits, as they do not understand what "Out of City" on the signs mean, and those that can understand numbers believe the 50 speed limit signs are actually an age limit.

edit Transport

Portsmouth is connected to the rest of the South Coast via the M27. It has no airport, as planes are likely to crash once a veritable volley of rocks is hurled by the residents, unsure as to why a large steel pigeon is descending on their haggard landscape.

It is difficult to get to the centre of the city due to congestion, but as roads are blocked by cars for long periods of time, an alternative to a car park is to just leave your car in the middle of the road. Parking wardens tend to wheel-clamp motorists, desperate for Argos vouchers. This makes the congestion worse.

There are numerous "Out of City" signs detailing every available escape route, which were implemented as a method of health and safety. When the railway was first built, the station was built in Gosport because of the railway company being too scared to go into the city itself. Who could blame them. Later they did enter the city, and designed the railway to end on a pier. This may have been done so that they could get trains to arrive at top speed and crash into the sea and drown all the passengers - a fate much better than going into the city.

edit Tourism


A night out in Portsmouth is only fun if you are made of asbestos.

The total lack of real points of interest within Portsmouth makes for an extreme lack of tourism. However, visitors can obtain a map, drawn with potato prints, which details the various warzones within the city limits. There are stalls and shops that sell commemorative blunt objects that can be thrown. Portsmouth has a large fish market where there are rows of shops that display a wide variety of fish for sale. This is Portsmouth's red-light district.

The diner who accidentally visits Portsmouth, perhaps to wave a loved one off as his ship departs for more exotic warzones, find a wide variety of cuisine — specialising in salmonella or botulism, although E. coli is making surprising headway.

The fine Tudor flagship the HMS Mary Rose sunk in the Solent River whilst Henry VIII watched aghast from Southsea Beach. Even in the fifteenth century, the same tawdry amusements were littered across the Esplanade, and legend has it that old Hal consoled himself with a burger and a Coke whilst the locals had already plundered the waterlogged coffers of the ship and were frantically cramming the salvaged coins into numerous slot machines on shore in order to win a tacky sundial.

edit Celebrities


90% of Portsmouth locals defy evolution, as their life goals are dominated by alcohol and molestation of aquatic species

The only people who actually carry any degree of integrity and social awareness are the celebrities in Portsmouth, a class that includes Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy. Anyone who has made something of his life neglects to mention his Pompey origins and usually claims to be from anywhere else. The only "celebrity" to come out of Portsmouth is television host Fred Dineage, who regularly splurts his anti-Southampton propaganda on the evening news and frequently shows his lack of intelligence on a regular basis. While constantly referring to Portsmouth being like Sardinia, this Portsmouth local again is showing the NFP trait when what he clearly means is that Portsmouth is like Sarajevo.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel - the celebrated engineer - was born in Portsmouth. But only because his father was grudgingly there to finish a work project. For some reason, once the project was finished, Mr and Mrs Brunel and young Isambard high-tailed it out of there.

Arthur Conan Doyle - the creator of Sherlock Holmes - was not born in Portsmouth. But he lived in the city briefly when he set up a medical practice. Unfortunately his field of knowledge did not stretch to stanley knife wounds or skatus vaginismus, which ensured he was hungry, unemployed, and bored for much of his time in Portsmouth. This forced inertia spurred him on to create the Baker Street detective and Conan Doyle subsequently acquired so much fame and wealth that he was able to leave Portsmouth forever. So he did. However, his fondness for Portsmouth women inspired him to write his finest work, Hound of the Baskervilles.

Horatio Nelson was actually from East Anglia and only visited the terra firma of Portsmouth to jump on and off HMS Victory. It was never a pleasant ordeal for him to fight his way through Hag and Pickpocketsville to reach the gangplank. On one occasion, his arm was Stanley-knifed off; another visit resulted in the loss of an eye. If the technology had been available, the brave Admiral would surely have preferred to be airlifted onto his ship once it had cleared Portsmouth Harbour.

Charles Dickens is also a celebrity heavyweight whose name is often desperately applied to be synonymous with Portsmouth. Mr Dickens was born on Portsea Island, that's true. However, he moved away at the age of 5 and never returned.

The reader may see a pattern emerging.

edit Portsmouth FC

Portsmouth Football Club, throughout their tenure in professional football, have been an overachieving, mediocre club. In 2005, Russian warlord Alexandre Gaydamak bought out the club, financing them with money made in arms deals to Angolan rebels and human trafficking in the Middle East. This proved to be a mutually beneficial endeavour, as every ethnic minority in Portsmouth who is brutally murdered earns £1,000 for the club. Since then, Portsmouth's wealth has rivalled that of Chelsea FC owner Roman Abramovich. To the dismay of the team's partisans, Hairy Redknapp has bought an influx of foreign players who are regularly greeted at the training ground with pitchforks, flaming torches, and cries of "Go back home, nigger."


Portsmouth unveil their latest signing

Gaydamak's takeover of the club is like Richard Branson paying £5,000,000 for a mound of steaming elephant faeces. While Portsmouth claim to have the best fans in the country, the remainder of England refuse to regard racism and ignorance as valid support of a football team.

The average supporter is usually of the aforementioned critically low intelligence, as made evident by a 2004 incident when Portsmouth tried to attack Southampton fans who were waiting inside the ground behind the police and Portsmouth fans in anger trashed shops in rage at the council. Instead of engaging or joining the riot, Southampton supporters returned home and trashed their own city. This is most likely because they were struggling with the English language and currency and needed to return to their fishy homes sooner.

A survey in the Daily Mail suggests that Portsmouth have one of the best atmospheres at football games, but careful analysis shows that this was a polite reference to the airborne broken bottles and petty cash thrown every match. In 2007, Portsmouth FC's bid to have a new 30,000-seat stadium was declined. The news reported that the excuse was that it was 'too close to the Navy,' but the truth is that, since the city had splashed an extortionate amount of money on the Spinnaker Tower, it implemented a rule that any other piece of shit built in Portsmouth could not exceed 50 square feet.

In 2007, Harry Redknapp was arrested and charged with corruption in football, years before FIFA would render such an accusation redundant. While most skates plead his innocence, it is suspect that Portsmouth should be exonerated since the the executive Peter Storrie and the former chairman Milan Mandaric were also arrested. The case does explain Portsmouth's overnight conversion from "a shit club" to a shit club with money and ridiculous aspirations.

edit The Sea

Portsmouthers like to go out to sea. This is to get as far away from Southampton as possible and who can blame them? While Portsmouth claims to be better than Southampton because it has a beach, no one wants to lie down on a plethora of jagged rocks and other assorted urban debris and go frolicking in sewage. So no, it's not really a beach is it? Environmental agencies have declared most aquatic species within the vicinity of Portsmouth to be endangered, although throughout the constant fornication of flatfish during the last seventy years, a new genus of half human/half fish people have been born in Portsmouth hospital.

edit Fashion

Common attire seen on the Portsmouth streets are burberry caps and tracksuits. Due to the overwhelming frequency of such clothing, Portsmouth was deemed by the government as a fire hazard. Hoodies and socks tucked into trousers also make a veritable plethora of appearances, as they are useful for concealing weaponry or stolen items.

The typical hairstyle for women is known as the 'pompey pineapple' due to the hair sprouting copiously from the top of the head in a trend not seen outside the city since 1982.

edit Pastimes and recreation

The Sun is also dull in Portsmouth. Even duller, in fact, than it is in the rest of England. Most Portsmouthers save some in a jar each year, releasing it on their birthday. They get a few moments of a sort of lukewarm happiness, before returning to the crushing melancholy parade that is their everyday life. The daily routine involves climbing over neighbour's fences, breaking into houses and general misappropriation of property. Portsmouth has been voted the lowest place in the world for children to have fun, as all recreational parks are littered with hypodermic needles, blood stained weapons and Fred Dineage. Last Christmas, the most popular toy sold in Portsmouth was a wooden spoon wrapped in barbed wire called "My First Cop Killer". This is the equivalent of a Playstation in Portsmouth. One must not forget about the favourite place of eating - Pompey Nosh located in Paulsgrove, which is also the favourite place for socialising, i.e; hanging around outside the Co-op.

Birthdays are fun times in Portsmouth. The night before a family member's birthday, other members of the family will strip their beds and write messages of congratulations on the filthy sheets before sneaking out of the house and hanging them from a suitably visible spot. These grey and stained sheets can often be seen hanging from motorway bridges and school railings, bearing such messages as "Happy 30th birthday nan" and "Meleana Chardonay Jenkins, 40 years old today!

edit Portsdown Hill

Portsdown Hill is popular spot to take a girl on a date and rape her. If she consents, this is known as dogging. Friday and Saturday nights are littered with oscillating Vauxhall Corsas and Citroen Saxos, usually to the beat of that annoying Umbrella-ella-ella song. Most common Portsmouth techniques for enticing young ladies to cars is either using Rohypnol or the snooker ball/sock combination.

The chalky landscape is also home to numerous tunnels dug throughout history. Some whisper that there are bunkers crafted to give haven to the Great and Good in the event of a Third World War. However, this theory is unlikely to be true. The idea that one would willingly dodge a nuclear holocaust in order to live directly above Paulsgrove is as absurd as it is fanciful. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!

It is also home of "Palmerstone's Masterpiece", a series of forts ringing the island, with a huge amount of ordnance aimed directly at Portsea Island. Although representing 20% of the nation's defence budget, with state of the art weapons delivery systems, the ability to destroy the city if the natives start trying to leave the island in any number is Britain's highest defence priority.

edit Future Developments

Plans to separate Portsea Island from the mainland are still in development as the rest of England attempts to distance itself from the multiplying menace of Portsmouth locals. Other ideas which are under discussion is the erection of a large power station whereby any resident within the city limits is incinerated and thus finally make a positive contribution to the people of Britain.

edit Twinned cities

Portsmouth has been twinned with the following cities of the world:

  • In 1992, Portsmouth was twinned with Sarajevo, which became embroiled in a civil war. Since then, Portsmouth has been compared to Beirut, Baghdad, Krakatoa and Kosovo.
  • The city council approached Robert Mugabe to be honorary mayor of the city, as they shared similar views on human genocide, but then realised that he wasn't Caucasian.
  • The citizens of Somalia wanted to join Portsmouth, in a bid to form some inbred pirates. However, the people of Portsmouth are still wondering how to operate a rubber boat, let alone trying to mate with their girlfriend's pet dog. Portsmouth natives have got that down pat.
  • Some people have informally twinned Portsmouth with Hiroshima, due to the similarities with the Japanese city just after the atomic bomb was dropped in 1945. However, this is disputed, as the Japanese city retained a few attractive centres of commerce.

edit Why do you stay in Portsmouth?

Because the rest of England is blissfully unaware of Portsmouth's existence. Whether it's the acrid odour of violated fish, the bitter taste of thwarted dreams, or the insurmountable language barrier, Portsmouth is widely regarded, metaphorically speaking, as an open sewer in the middle of an bountiful oasis. Most skates seem to think that they are superior purely due to the fact that the football team is higher in the leagues, unlike the rest of Britain who gauge it on urban squalor and the ability to walk down the road without being bottled. The majority of retorts in reply are: "Well, its better than being a scummer."

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