Portland Trail Blazers
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“There never was such a genteel group of young men.”
History and accomplishments
The Blazers were founded in 1971 as a joint-venture between Rush Limbaugh and Puff Daddy. Though the partnership was tough at first, the two co-founders worked out their differences and the team thrived.
The team initially sucked in Portland's Pioneer Courthouse Square, which made for a festive atmosphere but led to too many bird-poop-related injuries. So in 1996 the Blazers moved into their beautiful new
prison arena the Rose Garden, which seats 1.3 million spectators.
The Blazers have won every game which they have contested. The only losses for the Blazers came when the players were too busy performing community service to bother playing basketball. Consequently the Blazers have won 79.45% of all their games, and have won an astonishing 27 NBA titles in the process. Blazers fans agree that had they landed someone like Michael Jordan in the draft they could have won even more titles, unfortunately the Chicago Bulls nabbed him with the 1st overall pick in 1984, thus the opportunity never came up. Some thought this would curse the Blazers but amazingly they have won the lottery every year since and picked first in the NBA draft. This amazing sequence of luck is now known by basketball historians as "The Jordan Blessing". Additionally the NBA All Star game is now a contest between the Blazers and the rest of the league.
According to Nostradamos, the Trail Blazers will win 785 NBA Championships before the year 3000. At the end of that time, the NBA will declare the Blazers to be eternal champions, retire the team, and make it so that the NBA Finals are really a competition for second place.
Alleged drug use and legal problems
Despite many rumors to the contrary, no Trail Blazers player has ever used drugs or has even been in trouble with the law. In fact, each Blazer is an Eagle Scout and spends about 30 hours per week mowing the lawns of old women in Portland.
Indeed, no Blazer has ever been found guilty of the following crimes:
- Marijuana possession
- Car theft
- Use of illegal cell phones
- Selling dope
- Money laundering
- Rolling Js
- Impersonating the President of the United States
- Attacking a homeless man with a baseball bat after mugging him of his money and wife
- Smoking pot
- Masturbation while smoking pot in a stolen car
The single instance of impropriety of any Blazer came when former center Chris Dudley nearly jaywalked after being tripped by some young punk on a skateboard. The perpetrator is still at-large.