Portadown

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Portadown
aka Prod-a-down / Portydown
1323247
Annual Drumcree Parades Festival of Culture.
GENERAL INFORMATION
motto "It's my God given right to march the Queen's Highway"
anthem "It was bold and it was beautiful..."
dialing code 028 38
currency Pounds Sterling (no free state yo yo's about these parts)
opening hours Monday to Saturday (Sunday is the weekly 'Fenian' come to town day)
GEOGRAPHY
area Craigavon Borough
county Armagh
country Norn Iron
DEMOGRAPHICS
population 22,000 rising to 150,000 during the first fortnight in July
ethnic groups 99.9% White God fearing Protestants, 0.03% Norn Irish Catholic, 0.03% Polish, 0.04% Portuguese
languages / dialects Ulster Scots, Portuguese, Polish, Norwegian and Irish
GOVERNMENT
government The Loyal Orange Lodge (L.O.L - laugh out loud!)
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Portadown.
“I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more... with prior approval of the parades commission and a police escort”
~ King Billy on 1st July 1690 at the Battle of the Boyne
“2008 Central North Armagh Capital of Culture”
~ 28th February 2007 at The EU Council, Brussels
“The most enlightened, forward thinking and progressive town I have ever come across”
~ 21st May 1933 by Adolf Hitler

Portadown (derived from the Irish - Port an Dúnáin meaning port of the bigoted jaffa cakes) is a metropolis in County Armagh, Norn Iron. The town sits on the River Bann during the week, which as you can imagine is quite unpleasant for all concerned. It has a population of about 22,000, although DLA benefits records show a population closer to 95,000.

Although Portadown can trace its origins to the 6th day of creation, it was not until yesterday and the arrival of the wheel and sliced bread that it became a minor town. Portadown is known as: (a) "the hub of the North", (b) “the cess pit of Europe” and (c) “the gateway to hell” due to it being; (a) a major railway junction (b) shit and (c) pure unremitting evil.

In recent years Portadown has become most famous for the Dumcree Parades which take place on the first Sunday after the second Tuesday and before the third Wednesday in July. This is an annual Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender festival of culture and free love, marked with the wearing of orange sashes and the friendly throwing of stones and petrol bombs at police officers who never wanted to be there in the first place.

edit History

edit Early History

As mentioned, Portadown pre-dates every single other city, town and village in the whole World, having been created during a lull on the 6th day of Creation. This is well documented and evidenced by planning records, site maps and architectural drawings contained in an annex to the first book of the Old Testament. Whilst the original plans included a Roman fun park it was decided that such an addition would have to be earned by the townsfolk and would go ahead once the general behaviour of the town's inhabitants was deemed to be of an acceptable standard. To date the fun park has not been built.

In 1610, the lands of Portadown were granted to a Ronald McDonald of the Mickey D’s fast food empire. In 1611, he lost the town in a card game with St. Patrick who decided to set up a snake colony and luxury spa and treatment centre. He subsequently had second thoughts on the matter and it was widely reported at the time that he "couldn't be bothered" so he in turn sold the town to Mr. Ralph Obins, a renowned bank robber and chess master, for the princely sum of £2 4s 3d. Mr. Obins worked tirelessly to run the town into the ground and was reasonably successful in his endeavours. As a mark of respect and admiration some locals decided to build a castle and name it ironically after their oppressive master Obins, who they all without reservation, hated.

edit Irish rebellion of 1641

During the Irish Rebellion of 1641, Obins Castle was captured by some leprechauns from nearby Lurgan. In November 1641, the leprechauns forced almost 100 captured locals off the Bann Bridge so that they would be forced to wash their dirty, disgusting bodies. Unfortunately, one or two may have died. Then people started using words like ‘massacre’, and it all got a little unpleasant. So the leprechauns took the number 47 bus back to Lurgan (via Rushmere Shopping Centre but had they gone after 6pm on a weekday they could have got a direct bus to the Ashburn Hotel) and vowed never to return again.

edit 1691 to 1996

A succession of people with the surname Obins continued to reign over Portadown for the next 400 odd years. Nothing much happened really, it was all very boring. There was some fighting over some stuff, some marching, a bit of bickering, some cuddling and that’s about it. There was something or other called the Troubles and a triangle of terror similar to the one in Bermuda but a whole lot different in many ways, some allegations of rigging the 1947 FA Cup Final by fielding the daughter of Ralph Obins dressed as a man and then having a bet at the bookies on the correct score..............and stealing milk from Lurgan’s fridge, but nothing really of any significance until October 1996.

edit 1996 – The Dawn of Civilisation in Portadown

PRTDWNHSM

The High Street Mall, Portadown.

1996 is the single most significant year in Portadown’s long, meaningless and tediously boring history. In October of this year, the High Street Mall opened just left-ish right-ish of the towns centre. It housed a myriad of shops, including the ever brilliant Dunnes and the always shite Argos along with many others that didn't stay long enough to allow the locals to make a reasonable determination on the Brilliant/Shite-ometer. At last there was somewhere for people to go shoplifting, without having to get the bus to Craigavon. It was a momentous occasion, which continues to be celebrated annually with the burning of tyres and scrap wood across the town (although due to a clash of dates with Halloween, the celebrations take place on 11 and 12 of July).

edit Orange Out of Order Headquarters

The HQ for the Orange Order was traditionally found in Rome so that members could be near the Pope. Then, in 1799 an eager new recruit to the Order, named Bilbo Baggins brought to the attention of the then Grand Master that the Pope was in fact a Catholic. This caused much confusion and was followed by a thorough investigation lasting 7 years. It was then confirmed in 1806 that the Pope was indeed a Catholic, much to the amazement of many loyal orange-tards.

The Orange Disorder decided at this point to move its HQ immediately to the most sectarian and small-minded enclave in the world. To find such a place, the Order launched “The Fenian-less Town Award for the Most Backward Town in all of Creation”. From a shortlist including Tehran, Pyongyang and Houston, one contender rose above all others. The winner, announced with much fanfare and public celebration, and the recipient of a ‘2 for 1 at Xtra-Vision voucher’ was none other than Portadown. Since then, the annual award has always been won by Portadown, now in its 204th year as champion (although, Ballymena has put up stiff competition in recent years).

The HQ itself is situated inside Portadown police station, right beside the unlocked weapons store and the room where all evidence and intelligence files are kept. This is perfectly safe as all Portadown policemen are also members of the Orange Order, with many also generously giving over their spare time to be semi-professional louts, arsonists, hoods and loyalist paramilitaries.

edit Tourist Hotspots

If you’re planning a visit to Portadown in the near future or in the event that you’re forced there against your will – below you will find some not-to-be-missed highlights for you planned/forced visit:

  • The Garvaghy Road (Fenianville) – Completely unique in the world of roads with many fantastical qualities:
    • (1) It goes on heat in July (like female dogs do), meaning that loads of people become immediately obsessed with walking down the road, even though they spend the rest of the year going out of their way to avoid it. These people are known as orange-a-tangs.
    • (2) If you sit down in the road with a few mates, there is often the possibility that a friendly policeman will come and carry you away (just like in Tiananmen Square). Beware though; policemen aren’t very good at carrying people, so you may end up with a few minor injuries and a short stay in intensive care at nearby Craigavon hospital.
  • The Magowan Buildings – Nobody knows what this building is for; people go in, people come out. It’s a mystery. Its name implies a collection of buildings but in fact there’s only one. What is known about it? It houses a Lifestyle Sports, the site of a former Dunnes supermarket and the local benefits/dole office. Many have spent literally seconds trying to unravel the mystery, making it a must see for visitors and the unemployed alike.
  • The Corcrain Roundabout – situated across from the Magowan Buildings and at the top of the mighty Northway bypass. Many local youths gather on the hill adjacent to the junction and pelt passing school buses with bricks and glass bottles. Truly a sport for all the family to enjoy. (This attraction operates between 4.00pm and 5.00pm, Monday to Friday during school term time only. Tickets must be purchased in advance and are non-refundable. Make all enquiries to any bald, tattooed headcase seen walking down the Corcrain Road).
  • The Killicomaine Estate – recipient of a Gold Star Award at the 1999 Northern Ireland Tourism Awards and £3.5 million funding from Invest NI and a further £6 million from government sources to foster peace and reconciliation. Not a tourist destination per se, more a collection of houses. Why not visit it yourself and discover just how persuasive the locals can be in making you part with your money… car, iPod, phone and probably your shoes as well.
  • Shamrock Park – home of Portadown Football Club and annual Monster Truck extravaganza. If you’re a fan of football (the type with long shorts, where you're not allowed to use your hands), then this is one place you’ll want to avoid.

edit Olympic Games Controversy

Portadown was the original host City for the 1976 Summer Olympic Games. Controversy erupted when it was claimed by some troublemakers from Belfast that Portadown was not actually a City at all, but rather it was more like a large village or small town, or perhaps a super sized hamlet, or mega-colossal parish land.

Portadown refuted such allegations and put forward two arguments against these slanderous accusations:

  • That it was technically part of Craigavon which was built to be a ‘New City’. And even though Craigavon hadn’t caught on (owing to it being shit) that it was the thought that counted.
  • That their Wikipedia entry clearly showed that the town had a population of three million, had a metro transport system, seven hospitals, two universities and negative pollution. It was later discovered that, shockingly Wikipedia was wrong and that those in the Portadown Olympic Bid Committee had falsified the entry (something that has never before or since happened on Wikipedia).

The whole debacle was exposed on a BBC Spotlight Special and the 1976 Games went instead to Montreal, Canada. In protest, Norn Iron athletes decided they would not win a single medal at these or any subsequent Olympic Games, stating “we could win all round us if we wanted to, but we don’t want to and we're sticking up for Portadown, so there”.

edit Demography

For census purposes, Portadown is not treated as a real place. Instead, it is combined with Craigavon, Lurgan and a few other random holes in the ditch. So, to work out the demography of the town some scientists (or whoever it is that works out such things) turn to the ever accurate methodology of: ‘aye, sure just make it up’. This approach shows that Portadown is made up of 65% Portuguese nationals, 30% Polish nationals and 5% other. 95% are Scientologists and 5% follow the Gods of Greek mythology. 82% of men have moustaches, as do 16% of women and all inhabitants of the town speak fluent Norwegian.

edit Education

Due to Portadown having a birth rate 324% that of China, it has over a thousand local schools from which the local population can attend. Portadown College is the most upper of upper class and only the slightly intelligent, and socially retarded can attend at the age of exactly 180 months. The school is famous for producing a clone of Joseph Stalin and he was subsequently frozen in the basement where he was thawed out, and competed in the 1964 Olympic games, as a professional table tennis player. Recently the school won a heap of unknown awards like, Nicest Paving Slabs 2009, Cleanest Coffee Mugs In The Armagh Area 2010 and who could forget, Bounciest Tennis Balls 2005.

edit Transport

There is a road in and a road out. This enables people to both enter and to leave the town. There is also a railway line in and out, again allowing people to both enter and leave the town. Portadown has long been praised for people being able to enter and leave, sometimes simultaneously and many have travelled to observe this amazing design feature at work.

edit Economy

People work in Tesco, Dunnes or some other lesser shops. They also work for Moy Park killing chickens, in Dennys murdering pigs and in Irwins slaughtering bread and sodas. Many people are also full time professional alcoholics, with a few elite junkies also employed in the town.

edit Notable people

Below is a list of the most notable people both living and dead who have either been born or spent a significant period of their lives in Portadown:

Master McGrath the Dog.</s> It was from Lurgan.

Billy Wright the Mad Dog.</s> Born in Wolverhampton, England; spent most of his life in prison in between bouts of nastiness and quite unpleasant behaviour, so technically he shouldn't be mentioned as he wasn't born here or didn't really spend that much time in the town.

James Wilson esq. Born In Lurgan. A former pharmacist of some repute, who worked in the Eden Pharmacy, Edenderry. Life as a respectable Black Order biggot proved too mundane and he sucummbed to the call of the exotic orient, emigrating to North Woolwich in East London (Twinned with Chernobyl-on-early closing day). There he blossomed into the Picasso of con artists. Writing his own prescriptions from blank pads bartered from dodgy local G.P.'s and deriving all supplies from other local pharmacies. However his business model did not include the actuarial liability of his Ladbrokes account and slate at the local. He then diversified into partnership with a well respected local armed robber, manufacturing high (street) value active pharmaceutical ingredients from his flat. The business model on which this flourishing venture was based lacked cognitive parity with the existing legislature, subsequently attracting considerable judicial criticism. Liberty restored, James returned to live with his doting mother (estranged for many years previously) at Princess way in Killicomaine, summarily swindling her out of her house and flogging half the property to the jehovah's witnesses next door for a car park. The Portadown Chamber of Commerce now annually awards the coveted James Wilson Entrepreneur and post-modern artist of the year awards for outstanding contributions to local industry and creative arts.

Gunther & Freda Hitler: Parents of Adolf who came to Portadown in 1879 after winning a competition in a cereal packet. It was here in Portadown that the young Adolf grew his facial hair and developed his wicked streak and decided to unleash himself on the people of Europe. When he left at the age of 15, armed with bitterness and bigotry, his parents decided to return home to Austria.


Here ends the list.

edit Media

Portadown's main local newspaper is the Portadown Times, which is published by the King of Spain on elephant dung paper every Wednesday afternoon. In the olden days there was also a Portadown News that was also published by the King. It too was full of lies and one-sided opinions and the decision was taken to scrap it based on the philosophy that "you can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time." It is read by people who can read in the town as well as many illiterates who are happy just to look at the pictures of Portadown Rugby/Cricket/Football teams being beaten and photos of some people who got robbed or beaten up by the abovementioned alcoholics and/or junkies. Once a year the King includes a special pull-out section to celebrate the Country Comes To Town festival. This is where the local farmers are given the freedom of the town and seem happy to block the roads, take all the parking spaces, eat loads of fast food and generally piss off the local townies. The townsfolk affectionately refer to the festival as Every C*nt Comes To Town.

Portadown is also the location for the broadcast of the national version of BBC Breakfast News and Strictly Come Dancing, and is the former location for the 1980’s series, The Krypton Factor.

The town is also the location for the broadcast of several radio stations including Downtown Radio, TalkSport and Q101. The 80's pirate station Radio Caroline was actually broadcast from an old shed in Harford Street.

edit See also

  • Lurgan
  • Omagh - is miles from Portadown - head down the M12, onto the M1 and then ask for directions
  • Derry - Is bigger than Portadown, yep, thats about where the interest ends with that link.
  • Translink (Northern Ireland) - they run buses and trains in Portadown and everywhere else... and they smell of pee.
  • Stormont - Because Stormont - You're Worth It! Or should that be Worthless!

These are equally worthless towns which sometimes hang out with Portadown, although sometimes Portadown likes to be left on its own to have a little cry.

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