Port Pirie
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[edit] Creation
Port Pirie (Mid North, South Australia) is located on the eastern side of the great Spencer Gulf. This throbbing metropolis was once a quiet, coastal fishing village, until 1840 when a rogue band of Norsk Vikings came in and destroyed it. There was extensive burning of houses and pillaging and the works, which really upset the townfolk. Soon after, the Norsk Vikings realised there really wasn't much to do (as the skate park had not been built, and the arcade at the bowling alley had been made redundant) so they rowed their hairy arses back to Norway. The townsfolk rejoiced, and celebrated by constructing the universe's largest lead smelter, and thus the universe's largest erect stack. The celebratory party lights are visible to this day, and are used by weary travellers as they navigate themselves north bound from Crystal Brook on Highway One. Scholars maintain, that in Norsk, Port Pirie roughly translates to 'where the outback meets the sea'. This translation still causes heated debate with the establishment in Whyalla, who also claim to be 'where the outback meets the sea'. This ongoing feud led Whyalla to be banished from the Smelter's Picnic, and be kicked out of the SGL.
[edit] Lead Heads
Lead Heads is the collective name given to two or more Port Pirie natives. This is a cleverly moulded play on the incredibly large aforementioned smelter, and the effect which it has on townsfolk. Judging by the level of wit, it is more than likely something coined by one of the few 'educated' people living in the shitter part of the iron triangle. I.e. Port Augusta.
[edit] Things to do
Contrary to popular belief, Port Pirie is seriously entertaining. Places of interest have been listed below:
- Tourism & Arts Gallery
- The Federal Hotel
- The Old Mobile 1044 5CS Caravan (behind the radio station near where the water is, ya know, near that new playground. Or maybe the caravan was destroyed in order to build the playground, I'm not sure, but either way the ghetto blaster caravan is the fucking chicken's lips!!!)
- Abandoned Train Carriages (please do not feed the homeless, they are like kittens, you give them one saucer of milk and next thing you know they have filed for divorce and are taking half your shit. Ask greg norman and sir paul mccartney.)
- Netball Courts (c'mon lads we all went there at least a couple of times. and girls you were there by default. fun times. also a quick walk to KFC. was like the best date ever in yr 6.)
- The skate bowl next to the BMX track/soccer grounds (OG skate stylez, none of this la dee da waterfront concrete shit)
- Boat Ramp
- The pond housing genetically modified creatures, behind all that shrubbery on the main street. I think its the council offices but let's be honest it could be a cinema I never actually went in and checked.
Port Pirie also has a lot of pubs which are often the testing grounds for Lead Heads, Where they get into fights and beat up each other to gain ranks within the Lead Head order and also to plan attacks on Port Augusta and Whyalla. This is serious, don't fuck with Pirie people they will be on you faster than a beaver on a hunk of wood. More dextrous and vicious than beavers too. But with less fur and webbed toes. Only just, though.
[edit] Stack
The Port Pirie 'Stack' was created as Australia's first attempt to get into space; Sadly it didn't work at all. Now it is used as a tourist attraction, it has a giant waterslide and a laser cannon on it. Which every new years eve is shot off the save the citys money instead of using fireworks.
The famous french spider man, seen all over the news pretty much bi-monthly these days, was rumoured to be attempting a stack climb in the not too distant future. Representatives for Alain 'french spiderman' Robert have since stated their client scoffed Frenchly at the talk, and dismissed it as French hogwash. Frenchly.
[edit] Crime
Allegedly, Port Pirie has an increasing problem with gang warfare. Parents of St Mark's College students are blaming violent video games such as Grand Theft Auto for inciting the gang mentality in youths, a viewpoint supported by the large Catholic clergy present in the town. Parents of John Pirie students blame the parents of St Marks students for being such twats, and therefore encouraging the want for gangs to beat people up and cause general disarray. Local gangs such as RGB (Red Green Blue)whom wear colourful shirts and like to paint the town random colours when no one is looking. This form of delinquency has been seen as 'ground breaking' and 'encouraging' by an uneducated man interviewed by the editor for this article. There was also rumour of a mainly caucasian gang, referring to themselves as 50 nuttazzzzz!!! (yeewwwwww yeah sick wicked fully bangin) but they were never caught up in acts of the criminal nature. There are however many pictures available in the public forum, showing known gang members making a gang sign at the camera. This flexing of muscle has been seen as 'absurd' and 'americolonisation' and 'c'mon seriously you are a white australian please dont make gang signs no matter how many of you ride small motorbikes' by sources close to the group. Another major concern for local police is the ongoing torment of the Port Pirie golf course. Not only has the poor old golf club been kicked squa' in the nuts by mother nature, it is constantly found to be missing golf flags from holes (and back in the day fully sick P platers would do broggies on the greens for laughs late at night. nice one lads). Predominantly on Sunday mornings. Police have narrowed the search down to church goers, italians and bogans, thus encompassing 85% of the town's population. Enquiries continue.
[edit] Industry
Port Pirie’s Industry is expansive. From the booming lead operation to the ever-threatening uranium mine (or whatever it is), there are quite a few established and potential income streams for the town. This primary industry, coupled with the agricultural surrounds, make for quite a solid economical future for the town. Also we now have a Radio Rentals AND a Cafe Primo which proves we shit all over Port Augusta and Whyalla which is really all we ever want anyway. Not to mention the coffee bean. seriously their chips and gravy would fucking own anyone's chips and gravy from Agutta or Whyalla. Prove me wrong.
Recently the council have started a Waterfront development on the foreshore. The majority of the foreshore devopment program funds have gone towards the errection of a giant statue of the mayor of Port Pirie, Old Wombo. The statue will be 813 meters high and will feature him in a Speedo. When questioned how will this help Port Pirie Old Wombo simply commented “Who doesn’t wanna see me in a Speedo” 
[edit] Summary
All in all Pirie is fairly good. Give it a crack for your next footy/netball trip. We take kindly to large groups of out of towners who threaten/encourage our masculinity.
[edit] See Also
