Port

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Port.

“Port is more red and lustrous than the lips of my lady.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Port

Port is a kind of expensive wine, famously drunk by the Marquis de Sade during his explosively wild orgies between 1910 and 1913 in the rural province of Umbria in Wales. Well known ports include Port Said, Port Klang, and Liverpool, the latter said to be the means by which Boris Johnson fell from grace in the public eye.

[edit] History

The first port to be invented is known to be tinta barroca, created by accident in Somaliland by Elton John in 1875 while he was trying to play a piano made of grapes. Within two years, port was popular in Europe, taken up by many illustrious figures in high society. By 1900, it was available to peasants everywhere.

[edit] Scam

Port was apparently exposed as a scam in June 1913 by the Marquis de Sade, previously one of its most enthusiastic proponents. This was the deal, bitch. Fat Man Sam grows the grapes. Fat Man Sam hires many, many mafiosi to pick the grapes and plant the next batch of grapes. Fat Man Sam eats all the grapes! Fat Man Sam sells the port! Profit and eat lots of grapes! Although Fat Man Sam was eventually (by 1966) discovered by police and shot to death on purpose, port never totally recovered from this blot on its reputation. Many people will never drink port again, even if forced to at gunpoint. If it is poured into their mouth, they will spit it out.

[edit] Adversity

In 1969, Starbucks Corporation introduced a special wine known as starboard, targeted directly at the former port market. This caused beef, adversity and confrontation between the CEO of Starbucks and Elton John (who was at this time still the chief of all things pertaining to port in the world). Starbucks pledged to destroy Elton John, and eventually defeated him in an epic game of Jenga. This was not the end, and John came back to fight again (minus a finger or two).

[edit] Present

The conflict between port and starboard still rages, and several casualties per year are incurred, mainly caused by bombs in manufacturing plants. However, it is unclear how many of these attacks are genuinely industrial ones and how many are perpetrated by anarchist chavs with nothing else to do. The future is bright.