Porsche
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“This would be a good car if I could fire it up without rolling out this fucking crank”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rice Motoring Magazine
The first known drawing of Willy Porsche
Contents |
[edit] History
Porsche was founded in Albania by Adolf Hitler in the early 20's. It is now owned by Osama, only to be now sold to Tony Blair as a retirement gift.
Since his childhood he was drawing cars always. His family didn't ever known what to do with him.
Porsche created the original motorized bar stool. It promptly blew up and he had to put out the fire with his beer.
At age 46, he started to draw proper car desings and technical innovations, such the 'Bookandbrike secured chair system', the "Ford Porsche Coal-Dust Powered Land Canoe" and so many others.
One of the goals of Porsche history, as a car maker, was doing one of the more all-in-back vehicles ever made, so he made the model called 911.
[edit] Typical Porsche Drivers
There are four types of Porsche drivers:
People who drive Boxsters are people who wanted 911s but were too poor to afford one. Boxster drivers are usually hairdressers or male flight attendants with the exception of James May who is the only known decent Boxster driver. If a Boxster was a person it would be Al Gore or Buzz Alderin an would read the sun
People who drive Caymans (Coxsters) are usually confused about who they are and so decide to buy the most pointless car they can, the cayman is one step up from the boxster and is it were a person it would be David Cameron and read the guardian
People who drive Cayennes are either Mums who want to do the school run as fast as they can or men who want to make BMW drivers cry. They Cayenne is equivalent to Dawn French looks wise and would read the independant
People who drive 911s are always incredibly rich and either buy them because they are having a mid-life crisis or want to make BMW drivers commit suicide while going to the shops. Most 911 drivers are cocks. 911s are good because they're practical and bad because they're german. The 911 would be Jesus and read The Times and therefore is the best Porsche model. Notable good 911 drivers are Jay Kay and Richard Hammond.
haha coco PUORRA
[edit] A revolucionary mechanical configuration
It was revolutionary!<------------------------------- yes indeed what he said!<-------------------------------------- im with stupid. PUORRA
[edit] The 976 model: A rebirth
As a car maker, Mr. Fredinandis Porsche loved to travel in a Ferry. That's why years later he got the idea of making a new model, the 928, putting the engine in the other side and connecting it to the wheels using a brand new device called sway-bar.
The Porsche 928 changed its name to Porsche 928 (note the accent variation in the 'two') just in response to that early Citroen offense and that twos in the middle.
- Why this model could use the name with the '2' in the middle? That was because Citroen got renamed to Renault and the two became three.
Finally, the car came into market under the name of Maserati Biturbo.
[edit] 711: The Leg end
The 711 was originally designed in post-war Germany. Because pencils and paper were banned it had to be designed by laying strands of Ramen noodles on a the back of a mallard duck. The duck quickly proved to be very silly and was promptly fired and replaced by a cocker spaniel. Even the modern designs are now done in the traditional way using the original cocker spaniel.
Some people will think the car has the engine in the back (the Leg end). This is a popular misconception as the engine is actualy in the right place but the rest of car is bass ackwards. This is because the very first 711 was made this way by mistake after the spaniel turned around part way through the build. In a brilliant attempt to cover this up the factory decided to make every other 711 the same way to make it look like they meant to do it. Following this incident the spaniel was nailed to a board to prevent future mistakes. It is amazingly clever ideas such as these that have given Porsche the reputation for being innovators in production techniques. Even the Japanese have learned from these ideas and have used several 'dog' techniques to produce at least two fine automobiles. The same techniques have not been successful in other car producing countries such as Korea. On the ocassions this was tried the builds went really well during the morning but ground to a halt immediately following lunch.
Two weeks after the first 711 appeared, Porsche were the victims of a lawsuit bought about by a popular American convienience store. Claiming that the name had already been used Porsche were forced to change the name of their car. It was due to over caution from this event which prevented the right hand drive version for the British market from being called the Porsche Happy Shopper.
[edit] Today
Now Mr. Mortimer Porsche lives in a forest in South-America, hidden from German authority.
Some say he used to walk down the hill eating apples and changing his own first name.
[edit] Pronunciation
Porsche is not pronounced "porsch" as most stupid people (Generally American) tend to say it. Rather, it is pronounced "porsche-uh" due to the Uhhh Decree of 1402 signed into law by Sentient Coin
