Pornography

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[[Image:Funny_image_puss.png|250px|thumb|right|The Internet was invented to accommodate the public's exploding desire for pornography.]]
{{like|Your penis likes this}}
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'''Pornography''' is the only form of [[Sex|gratification]] that does not carry the risk of [[pregnancy]] — or, for the male, the twin Purgatories of paternity and palimony. Porn is literally sex without the preacher and the lawyer, though they are right around the bend.
{{wikipedia}}
 
[[Image:Funny_image_puss.png|210|thumb|right|Pussy videos included.]]
 
[[Image:hidden-porn.jpg|thumb|200px|A typical youth preparing for masturbation in public, the most popular activity since Pokemon trading cards.]]
 
'''Pornography''' or '''pr0n''' is a class 4 addictive substance in many states and as been proven to cause cancer in [[California]]. It it made up of sequences of [[nude]] people dancing and touching other people in ways that are considered inappropritate everywhere but the [[Internet]]. Women should not handle broken or discarded porn, especially in tablet form, because it will just give them something more to complain about. Children and families are also not permitted to take porn because they might learn where babies come from. The [[Internet]] was designed by the [[retard|US military]] and some universities to supply soldiers with pornography. But over the course of time, it was hijacked by [[America]]n children stumbling across [[Goa Tse|shock sites]] and [[EBaum's World|other horrible things]] some time in 1994 and has not been recovered.
 
   
An interesting definition for porn is: any picture or video you suddenly lose interest in after [[masturbation|masturbating]].
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It also is free of the risk of [[disease]], though many customers still like to wash their hands after removing its signature plain brown wrapper. It is only [[Internet]] porn that comes with [[virus]]es.
[[Image:MaryPickfordPussy.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Early pornography: Silent movie star [[Mary Pickford]] shows her big furry [[pussy]]. ]]
 
   
== Variations ==
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Pornography consists of [[nude]] people dancing and touching other people in ways that are inappropriate everywhere but the Internet. Porn movies let the viewer pretend he can do the impossible, in the same way as ''[[Star Trek]]'' and commercials for patent medicine.
===Softcore pornography===
 
Softcore is the type of porn most commonly found on your [[Television|TV]] on channels such as Skinimax. Unlike hardcore pornography, softcore does not feature "[[Sex|the good stuff]]." A typical trait common of softcore porn is that it involves actresses over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still hot in one last futile shot at the fame which has always failed them. This is the type of porn guys pretend to like because they don’t want to admit to anyone that the porn they actually prefer has tons of [[penis]]es in it. Instead of the common penis the participants in softcore pornography have to use their germ-ridden fingers for stimulation, also making softcore porn the most dangerous form of pornography due to the large risk of catching something from other participants (if any) or from yourself if you had, perhaps, just been for a dump.
 
   
Softcore porn is often seen as the most hated category as people who don't like porn do not like it and people who do like porn do not like it either. Occasionally it is granted an artistic merit by washed up film critics over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still (commercially) hot in one last futile shot at the fame which has always failed them.
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It is Known to the State of [[California]] that porn causes cancer, though customers disregard this warning, just like the same claim made about drinking water and jogging. [[Chick|Broadly]] speaking, pornography is any medium in which the viewer suddenly loses all interest just after [[masturbation|masturbating]].
   
===Albacore Pornography===
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==History==
[[Image:Alba.jpg|thumb|'''Albacore''' pornography comes with a warning label that your penis may asplode from pure beauty.]]
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[[Image:MaryPickfordPussy.jpg|thumb|150px|left|Early pornography: Silent movie star Mary Pickford shows her big furry [[pussy]].]]
Also listed as the "hottest type of porn," '''albacore pornography''' exclusively features hot sex with [[Jessica Alba]]. It is known for its addictiveness, which causes frantic [[masturbation]] amongst males from 9 years old to 3 years after death. Watching albacore porn has been known to get men so excited that their penises would asplode, and following the 2005 release of the albacore flick "Fantastic Foursome," warning labels were put on DVD covers.
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Pornography originated in the [[U.S.]] [[Military]], when officers who married within the service were surprised that they were rarely getting serviced at all and sought alternative forms of expression. The Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration (DARPA) pioneered standards for the interconnection of [[computer]]s and the interchange of information. Though originally designed to steal information from the [[Soviet Union]] faster than they could steal it from [[America]], it was quickly "repurposed" to exchange female naughty bits instead. This was the origin of the [[Internet]] and the reason that its primary emphasis, besides collecting the names of people over $10,000 in debt who need resolution services, or who want an [[oil]] filter for a 1976 [[Ford|Ford Falcon]], is pornography.
   
===Lesbian===
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===Technical issues===
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In the early days, there were severe issues with the quality of interchanged pornography. The earliest picture of an erect penis (outside the [[Vagina|cave]], of course) was in a format called "ASCII art." It aroused viewers much more poorly than it aroused foreign activists to demand alternatives to the "American Standard Code" for [[Hollywood]] to issue porn. Thus it was replaced with Unicode, which gave [[Erection|rise]] to [[unisex]].
   
Lesbian porn is intended for lesbians, men who don't like porn with penises, and women who dream about having penises. It has also been scientifically proven to make your dick bigger.
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Another technical problem is [[mosaic]]s. This distracting visual artifact derives from the days when [[Moses]] brought down the first pornography from the top of Mount Arafat, which he had mounted. The tablets containing the classic ''Debbie Does Palestine'' were of very poor quality, as the stone medium proved difficult to get off on.
   
Lesbian porn directors like to think that women like to suck on dildos for some reason (and that the audience loves it too).
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When the [[Japanese]] took over high technology, mosaics were replaced by pixellization to better ensure that everyone would call for pornography while being denied its key benefit. The Japanese would hone this skill to perfection when they brought out the Prius.
   
Lesbian porn has often been accused of being like a jigsaw puzzle that doesn't fit together, but lesbians responded by flashing their boobs and turning on the accusers.
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==Controversy==
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[[Image:Pornowatcher.gif|right|thumb|A nervous adult male views pornography. Note the cigarette, a sign that we could solve two problems at once with the simple remedy of new taxes.]]
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Careful study of [[human]] [[anatomy]] would seem to be natural and wholesome. Unfortunately, the more one indulges in this study, the less one wants to do anything else.
   
== Porn Stars==
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For children, pornography takes the place of [[Community|socializing]] and development, as "self-abuse" takes the place of abusing naïve schoolgirls. The porn watcher risks becoming an adult [[basement-dweller]] who spends all his time watching porn, still. To prevent this, society uses a tangle of movie ratings, broadcast [[taboo]]s, and laws against exposing children to prurient discussions, unless one happens to be a public-school [[sex]] [[education]] teacher whose [[Work|job]] is to get 8-year-olds in touch with their inner [[homo]].
The porn star is a regular participant in pornographic materials. Grown in special underground vats in Arizona, the porn star is genetically engineered (in the case of females) to store all body fat in the [[boobs]] and to grow no [[body hair]]. The vagina of a female porn star actually contains ''negative hair,'' microscopic nanobots that will consume hair, children, Mormons, and other pests upon contact. The male porn star, meanwhile, is designed to carry a [[penis]] so large that upon obtaining erection, the porn star will immediately pass out from low blood pressure elsewhere in his body, and can only be revived from playing a mixture of [[Barney]] and [[Fox News]]. Unfortunately for the porn stars, they are also designed to crave companionship, but since they are filthy disease factories, they will inevitably kill anyone they fuck. As a result, most porn stars resort to partnering with enormous objects, leading to instances such as [[goatse]] and [[Bill O'Reilly]].
 
   
=== Catholic Schoolboys ===
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For [[adult]]s, the risk is still present, even though they are, like, adults. An adult who spends all his time viewing porn will have no time left for any other activity. This means that a porn-based society would produce no widgets and have no Gross Domestic Product, war machine, or money to support a welfare state. ([[Denmark]] is the single exception to this, as its economy is based on Porn Tourism.)
   
Preferred by most single males in the religious workplace and pop superstars, for sexual self-gratification has skyrocketed by a whopping 147% since 2004, with the re-opening of the [[Michael Jackson]] trial. Considered to be taboo and an immediate [[Execution]] by many other religions, the act of [[Pedophilia|child molestation]] has been widely accepted as necessary throughout the [[Catholic]] faith.
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Eventually, there is [[semen]] everywhere except its intended destination, the nation's population trends toward [[zero]], and the nation must use Electronic Benefit Transfer to recruit [[Mexican Jesus|Mexicans]] to work its fields and help desks.
   
=== Cheerleaders ===
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===Sin taxes===
Where it's common knowledge that spelling words and catch-phrases during [[sex]] enhances pleasure, nobody can do it better than cheerleaders. Usually members of a dorm who are exposing themselves strictly to pay their tuition, they usually have a close, attractive friend who is also willing to expose themselves over the internet in performing false [[lesbianism]] for an audience of mainly 47-year old balding [[virgins]] (without getting paid themselves), the cheerleader often ends up enjoying the sexual exploitation provided by [[masturbating]] over a $12 Labtec [[webcam]]. A cheerleader's diet consists mainly of flavored [[lubricant]] and the occasional celery stick.
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{{Main|Tax}}
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This is why government must fight pornography. The primary way of doing this is through [[sin]] [[tax]]es. [[Canada]] fights porn with both its Pornography Sin Tax (PST) and its Genital Stimulation Tax (GST).
   
[[Image:BPandguydivingingorillasuit1.jpg|thumb|left|150px|Bettie Page was noted for her role in the bestiality stag film loop, ''Egad! She Gave It Up To A Knuckle Walker!'']]
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Sin taxes persist without the continuing need to show harm. As cigarettes are taxed even after new varieties are developed that do not have secondhand smoke, are not addictive, and do not use [[tobacco]], pornography taxes will be permanent even if someone should invent pornography that is ''not'' more [[fun]] than any other use of one's day. [[California]], by the way, is making strides toward this goal, as its Health Department has proposed that pornographic actors cover their key body parts in [[Condom|latex]].
   
=== Beastiality/Bestiality ===
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===Vice===
Not to be confused with [[dog porn]], [[Bestiality]], sometimes misspelled as [[Beastiality]] or wanna lick lipstick dog dick (try saying that drunk), is the act of human sex with a non-''[[Homo sapiens]]'' animal. Popular specimens include: the [[duck]], [[horse]], [[snake]], [[eel]], [[dog]], [[sheep]] and [[Michael Jackson]]. Mostly performed for shock value, strange or a cash prize. Be careful not to offend: those who perform this act like to call it "inter-species erotica, [[Stupid|fucko]]."
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The government must take even harsher measures when children are exploited in pornography. We know from [[talk radio]] that two things are true about this loathsome industry:
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*Every victim it touches has her life irreparably ruined, and
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*Every criminal has a sick mind and is guaranteed to do it again unless we put them into a registry, then a prison, then a wood-chipper.
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As the government has never been any good at simply punishing wrongdoing, it sets out to do something at which it is much better: wrecking entire industries, where it has a long record of success ranging from [[Poppy|poppies]] to [[insurance]]. Thus, rather than charge people who film minors, the government charges people who have a copy of a copy of the film. Pornography advances from a '''sin''', giving rise to the sin taxes discussed above, to a full-fledged '''vice''', justifying the hiring of an entire [[vice]] squad and even a [[Vice President]].
   
Leviticus 18:23 "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it; that is a perversion, For fuck's sake will you stop having sex with my animals. If you're in the mood, have a wank. And don't you dare stick that thing in that squid."
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The definitions are problematic as always. "Underage drinking" conjures up images of state troopers arresting [[toddler]]s with their brandy snifters, but it usually means not drinking by minors but by adults who are 20 instead of 21, whom [[police]] give a rap sheet so that legislators can get more votes from [[Evangelism|evangelical]]s. The definitions in [[kiddie porn]] are harder. For example, in the [[Southern United States]], a girl can get married at 12 or 14. (Sometimes this requires the parent's consent, which mostly depends on whether Dad thinks the marriage will give him one more or one fewer [[farm]] hand.) Now fooling around is legal, but filming it is a life sentence. In addition, legislators now have to spend time dithering about the case where the girl took a [[selfie]] to be used in [[Sextant|sexting]]. Talk radio teaches us that the young victim has irreparably ruined ''her own'' life and is guaranteed to be a recidivist unless we protect her with jail for life.
[[Image:P1000744.jpg|thumb|right|Work it, baby!]]
 
   
== Why Pornography? ==
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===Worldwide crusade===
[[Image:Pornowatcher.gif|left|thumb|The typical American male viewing porn. Notice the eyebrow shift, nervous head motion, pedophile-smile, and, naturally, the smoking.]]
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The [[bullet]] [[point]]s above show that porn is such a problem that the reach of the United States cannot stop at the "[[water]]'s edge" (as American pols say to bully their adversaries into voting for [[war]]). It is somehow the duty of national government to protect girls of other nations from the instant ruin of being filmed, even if both the filming and the thing filmed were legal where they occurred. Unable to explain who is harmed by [[download]]ing the [[million]]th copy of a video, prosecutors do not mind that they cannot identify the victim at all. Just as the Long Arm of the Law comes to the rescue of [[Vietnam]]ese girls working for [[Nike]] at less than the [[Seattle]] minimum wage, tax dollars ensure that they are not destroying their lives in a movie studio, but instead invisibly on the streets.
   
{{Q|I guess what I'm trying to say is, if she tastes good, do her.|Cthulhu|Relationships}}
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===Lack of alternatives===
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Only three porn movies have been made since porn originally flooded onto the ARPAnet and crowded out [[military]] planning. Since all porn looks the same, movie studios have fooled people for decades by simply changing the names of these movies and then circulating them as new. The most famous of these is ''[[Oral sex|Deep Throat]],'' a bare-everything thriller that began airing during the [[Richard Nixon]] administration.
   
{{Q|Trust me, I know these things.|Bill Clinton|Pornography}}
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==Addiction==
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{{Main|Addiction}}
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Pornography is not a [[Physics|physical]] addiction, as pornography withdrawal does not result in shakes and convulsions — at least, no more than continuing to indulge in pornography does. And pornography does not interfere with "one or more major [[life]] functions," given that producing the resulting secretions is itself a major life function. Nevertheless, pornography is generally regarded as addictive, given that watching it is so much better than doing anything else.
   
With the growing increase of [[Masturbation|Self Pleasure]], [[rape]], sluttiness and generally feeling horny, pornography seems to be the answer to everything these days. Besides, why go out and make something of yourself when you can be vigorously stroking your [[penis]] or [[clitoris]], belittling women or catching exotic genital diseases? The fact is that pornography encourages these acts. And since they are natural urges, they are encouraged, and sometimes even taxed. Take [[Canada]]'s Pornographic & Sexuality Tax (PST) or Genital Stimulation Tax (GST) for example.
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Those who take it up rarely put it down, just as [[Mother-in-law|mothers-in-law]] are addicted to nagging and [[Congress]]men are addicted to misstating their opponents' record.
   
==Religious Attitudes to Pornography==
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===Rehabilitation===
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When Congressmen move from misstatements into crashing their sports cars at 2:00 a.m., [[Adultery|cheating]] on their spouses, and [[Twitter|tweeting]] their genitalia, the next move is often to "check into alcohol rehab." However, none has ever held a press conference to say he is entering porn rehab. Rehabilitation is uniquely ineffective, because after three days without porn, the patient tends to want it more, not less.
   
Balding middle-aged clergymen stand in the [[Pulpit]] and tell their congregations in thunderous voice that they must not under any circumstances VIEW PORN OR WANK TO IT (see [[Christian Logic]]). Especially they warn younger members of the congregation NOT TO INDULGE IN THE [[Premarital wanking|PREMARITAL WINKING]]! They’re still quite worked up when they get home after this. What do they do? Guess? If their wives aren’t in the mood they shut themselves up somewhere private. They take out that special pile of magazines that they keep carefully hidden. Alternatively they log into their computers and access that secret ''confidential'' file that nobody else sees. Later when they’ve satisfied themselves they get on their knees and ask [[God]] to forgive them. Some to the extreme may secretly befriend pedo-bear to get some of his sweet sweet pedo-stash. Then in return they do unspeakable acts for God, to ask for forgiveness of course.
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===Denial===
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One of the famous "twelve steps" of addiction rehab is for the addict to admit that he has a problem. However, in the case of porn, addicts spend almost as much time trying to give the impression they are not engaging in the practice as they do engaging in the practice. As the books, magazines, and videos arrive in the mail, the addict:
   
===More===
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*Explains away his subscription to ''[[National Geographic]]'' by saying the naked [[Africa]]n tribeswomen are not the true draw.
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*Claims he is merely fascinated with [[Japan]], hoping the neighbors do not know the difference between [[anime]] and [[hentai]].
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*States that the only reason to order a copy of ''The Devil Inside Mary Pickford'' is for a report due in his [[Literature]] class, as this semester they are studying "the classics."
   
Generally, we think it's fantastic. However, there is an ongoing study of "How Much is Too Much", the science community is leaning towards either "a lot" or "no such thing as too much".
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Porn often arrives in a "plain brown wrapper," as purveyors do not realize that that is a dead giveaway. Once the neighbors realize there is a secret, they hardly have to know what the secret is. ''[[Playboy]]'' Magazine pursued the cover story of "mind-expanding interviews with opinion leaders," while its competitors opted for amateur gynecology to expand that other head. Ultimately its denials became its reality and ''Playboy'' is Number One in the collapsing market for interviews with opinion leaders.
   
[[Image:I-iz-caught.jpg|thumb|right|A typical male cat, caught in the act.]]
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Consumers who pester their Congressmen for a law forcing cable companies to offer channels "a la carte" ignore the fact that so many customers rely on "premium packages" to conceal their addiction. A subscriber can take all 30 premium channels and tell the neighbors he only wants to watch Univisión to brush up on his [[Spanish (language)|Spanish]], hoping they do not notice that the [[Hamburger]] Channel is also in the package.
   
==Amount of porn==
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== Variations ==
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===Hardcore===
Contrary to [[Popular Belief]], only three porn movies have been made since the discovery of porn in the [[1950s]]. Since all the porn looks the same, people have been fooled for decades by simply changing the names of these movies and then circulating them as new. The most famous of these is [[Deepthroat]] who has only lately revealed his own identity. The famous Deep throat revealing none-other than himself (!), strangely to find his name to be "John Smith"!
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{{Q|Oh, Baby! Oh, yeah!|Monty Hall's only spoken line from the acclaimed ''Behind the Green Door 3''}}
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'''Hardcore''' is porn that shows everything. Hardcore has serious problems with [[Reality|realism]]. For one thing, neither men nor women are that attractive in real life, nor in such states of arousal for more than a minute or two. (They only seem to be, at the tavern near closing time.) However, we go to the movies to see the ideal rather than the real; otherwise, we would have stayed at the tavern.
   
Interesting fact, though, 99.3% of the internet is porn... In fact this very page and [[Uncyclopedia]] in general is literally full of it!
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It is just as unrealistic that the viewer would ever actually be watching two other people have sex, especially from about two inches away. Fortunately, hardcore movies compensate with believable plots and realistic [[dialogue]] that is full of subtlety.
   
==Things sometimes confused with pornography==
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A more serious problem with hardcore is that it does not attract mainstream starlets, as they want to avoid the unavoidable conclusion that they are [[Prostitute|having sex for money]]. (It is not [[Whore|whoring]] when their declining careers compel them to film [[Advertising|ads]] and lend their names to charity shows to benefit [[global warming]].)
   
{{seealso|Rule 34}}
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===Softcore===
Not all that spreads its legs is porn. Remember, no matter how nice and round and squeezable they may look, a guy's tits are ''never'' porn. Also, the little gashes in his anatomy, no matter what the artist intended them to look like, are porn as well. This means that [[shemale]]s cannot possibly be porno, unless you can see their assholes.
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[[Image:Alba.jpg|thumb|250px|'''Albacore''' is '''softcore''' featuring [[Jessica Alba]]. Albacore viewers have a limited time to climax before they [[Asplode|explode]] from sheer excitement, as frequently happened in 2005 during the cinema release of the Albacore classic ''[[Fantastic Four|Fantastic Foursome]].'']]
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'''Softcore''' is porn that does not feature sex but '''simulated sex'''. In this type of sex, two lovers rub against each other unrealistically while the camera is put in ridiculous locations to suggest that they might somehow be achieving penetration. Softcore is the type of porn most commonly found on [[television]] channels such as '''Skinimax'''.
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Softcore is most popular with [[women]], who think that sex organs are [[gross]] and sex itself is messy. Women also think sex smells bad, and for this reason they avoid movies about sex. Softcore, then, is the result of turning pornographic movies into "chick flicks."
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Softcore movies feature actresses over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still hot, in one last futile shot at the fame that has always failed them.
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Amazingly — like [[George W. Bush|Bush]] repelling both [[Democrats]] (for threatening to interrupt their pleasure) and his fellow [[Republicans]] (for failing at it so spectacularly) — softcore is hated both by people who dislike porn and by porn addicts, even though it features no Bush at all. The only people who like softcore is the occasional mainstream film critic. These are over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that their careers are still hot, in one last futile shot at the fame that has always failed them.
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===Lesbian===
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[[File:Ilia.jpg|thumb|right|A lesbian from a porn movie.]]
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Lesbian porn is intended for lesbians. This is a subgenre of fantasy films, based on the fiction that women like to touch and caress one another. Even lesbians do not find this convincing. After all, their partners have hairy legs and armpits but shave their heads (pictured). Fortunately, lesbian porn attracts a huge number of male viewers, who are worried that it will seem [[gay]] if they view porn that includes [[penis]]es, and especially if they seem to be gazing at them.
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Lesbian porn's dirty little secret is that there is something missing. These movies make do with semi-functional plastic facsimiles. The most important person in the production crew is the [[WP:Theatrical property|prop master]]. Anyone who graduates college as a prop designer usually drives a taxicab, as the prop master usually ducks into an adult shop on the way to the motel room where the movie is shot.
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Connoisseurs of lesbian porn have to pretend that women like to caress plastic cylinders, as well as suck on them as though droplets would come out. Lesbian porn is often compared to a jigsaw puzzle with one large piece missing. Viewers are often compared to a puzzle missing many pieces.
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=== Bestiality ===
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[[Image:BPandguydivingingorillasuit1.jpg|thumb|left|150px|Bettie Page was noted for her role in the bestiality stag film loop, ''Egad! She Gave It Up To A Knuckle Walker!'']]
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'''[[Bestiality]]''' is sex with a counterpart after you exclude pieces of plastic, corpses, partners of the same sex, and inanimate objects; that is, sex with beasts. Those not in the know often misspell it [[beastiality]], as they insist that bestiality would mean sex with the best, which they already claim to be having. However, the correct technical term is Doggie Porn, and a passable [[euphemism]] is "inter-species erotica."
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Much Doggie porn does not involve [[dog]]s at all, but rather species such as the [[duck]], the [[snake]], the [[scorpion]], and hot [[Angela Merkel]].
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Bestiality was first discussed in the Good Book, when Leviticus said to the Lay People:
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{{Cquote|Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it; that is a perversion. For fuck's sake, will you stop having sex with my animals? If you're in the mood, have a wank. Yes, that includes the [[mule]].|||Leviticus 18:23}}
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The first bestiality classic in the modern era was ''[[Wag]]'' Magazine.
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Bestiality is not the only reason why people put on [[Furry|fur suits]] to go to parties. However, no one who does has ever explained what the other reasons might be.
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{{wikipedia}}
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==Careers in pornography==
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Becoming a [[porn star]] has replaced [[home]] ownership as the [[American]] dream as, unlike the latter, one does not have to repaint it or clean the gutters. Porn stars are actually paid to have sex all day with attractive and [[well-endowed]] co-stars. Unfortunately, the sheer allure of this career path means that so many people pursue it that it doesn't pay for [[crap]]. About the only job that pays worse is writing reviews of porn movies, and especially writing about pornography on a humor [[wiki]].
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The young stud considering a career as a porn star might consider:
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*The ''Joy of Sex'' while being watched by a dozen stage hands wisecracking about his length, several cameramen sticking that thing way too close as he does likewise, and one smelly, middle-aged director wearing sunglasses, barking orders, and demanding that he change positions every two minutes.
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*The need to take [[Viagra]] to guard against having too little desire, and a topical anesthetic to guard against having too much, though that is rarely the problem, as his partner is disinterested, seems to be [[Stoner|stoned]], and has done everybody else in the room and there is film of it.
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*Frequent decisions between consenting to messier and more painful variations, versus seeming not to be a [[team]] [[player]].
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*The need for a weekly [[blood]] [[test]] so that he will not inadvertently kill any of the studio's other "[[Slavery|properties]]" — nor they him, except that some of his co-stars have had sex with people other than porn stars over the [[weekend]].
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*The fact that all the medical and other information about him is with the studio's records custodian (whose former title was simply "[[Janitor|custodian]]"), and open for inspection by [[government]], though not yet transferred to [[Washington, D.C.]] or put into an on-line, searchable database, until they close that loophole.
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Provided he lives that long, employers providing [[health care]], neighbors with [[child]]ren, the local [[church]], bank loan officers, and web-wise [[Girlfriend|fiancée]]s will want to know all about this phase of his life. [[Amazon]] is likely to apply its patents for one-click shopping to meet this need.
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==In the future==
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Futurists predict that soon the pornography fan will be able to carry entire photographs or even crude animations in digital form. They will all fit on a single [[thumb]] [[drive]] that will fit almost anywhere. This will let the user bring a partner with him as he journeys alone through [[Southern United States|jurisdictions]] where simple possession is twenty years' hard time.
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For this [[Brave New World]], Sandisk has announced a vibrating thumb drive, the '''Amuzer''', which it claims will be a more compact solution than setting one's [[smartphone]] to vibrate rather than ring and asking the Front Desk to provide a wake-up call every fifteen seconds.
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Not to keep bringing up California, but in 2015, the [[Gold]]en State passed the "No Means No" law. It requires every [[horny]] boy to give his date a [[Breath]]alyzer and to have two [[witness]]es that the consent was truly consensual, and every [[university]] to provide Awareness-Raising courses before the fact and Microagression Counseling afterward to determine which voluntary acts were actually [[rape]]. The law will provide a gigantic boost to Southern California's own pornography industry, as a result of doing to the risky institution of live, in-person sex what [[Obama-care]] did to the institution of [[employment]].
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
[[file:Hendrix%20electric%20F.jpg|300px|thumb|right|Porn is even seen on album covers!]]
 
* [[Post-masturbatory depression]]
 
* [[Sex]]
 
* [[Oral sex]]
 
* [[Erotica]]
 
* [[Battle of the Sexes]]
 
* The [[Internet]]
 
* [[Masturbating]]
 
* [[Googlewack|Google Images]]
 
* [[Crack]]
 
* [[child porn|Child Pornography]]
 
* [[Buttsecks]]
 
* [[Pounding bat sodomy]]
 
* [[Alien Porn]]
 
* [[Metaporn]]
 
* [[Hentai]]
 
* [[Rule 34]]
 
   
[[Category:Internet]][[Category:Pr0n]][[Category:Not safe for work]] [[Category:Things that don't exist]]
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*[[Alien Porn]]
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*[[Battle of the Sexes]]
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*[[Erotica]]
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*[[Hentai]]
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*[[Metaporn]]
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*[[Rule 34]]
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[[Category:Internet]]
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[[Category:Pr0n]]
 
[[Category:Stuff that lonely men masturbate over]]
 
[[Category:Stuff that lonely men masturbate over]]
   

Latest revision as of 15:10, February 12, 2016

Funny image puss

The Internet was invented to accommodate the public's exploding desire for pornography.

Pornography is the only form of gratification that does not carry the risk of pregnancy — or, for the male, the twin Purgatories of paternity and palimony. Porn is literally sex without the preacher and the lawyer, though they are right around the bend.

It also is free of the risk of disease, though many customers still like to wash their hands after removing its signature plain brown wrapper. It is only Internet porn that comes with viruses.

Pornography consists of nude people dancing and touching other people in ways that are inappropriate everywhere but the Internet. Porn movies let the viewer pretend he can do the impossible, in the same way as Star Trek and commercials for patent medicine.

It is Known to the State of California that porn causes cancer, though customers disregard this warning, just like the same claim made about drinking water and jogging. Broadly speaking, pornography is any medium in which the viewer suddenly loses all interest just after masturbating.

edit History

MaryPickfordPussy

Early pornography: Silent movie star Mary Pickford shows her big furry pussy.

Pornography originated in the U.S. Military, when officers who married within the service were surprised that they were rarely getting serviced at all and sought alternative forms of expression. The Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration (DARPA) pioneered standards for the interconnection of computers and the interchange of information. Though originally designed to steal information from the Soviet Union faster than they could steal it from America, it was quickly "repurposed" to exchange female naughty bits instead. This was the origin of the Internet and the reason that its primary emphasis, besides collecting the names of people over $10,000 in debt who need resolution services, or who want an oil filter for a 1976 Ford Falcon, is pornography.

edit Technical issues

In the early days, there were severe issues with the quality of interchanged pornography. The earliest picture of an erect penis (outside the cave, of course) was in a format called "ASCII art." It aroused viewers much more poorly than it aroused foreign activists to demand alternatives to the "American Standard Code" for Hollywood to issue porn. Thus it was replaced with Unicode, which gave rise to unisex.

Another technical problem is mosaics. This distracting visual artifact derives from the days when Moses brought down the first pornography from the top of Mount Arafat, which he had mounted. The tablets containing the classic Debbie Does Palestine were of very poor quality, as the stone medium proved difficult to get off on.

When the Japanese took over high technology, mosaics were replaced by pixellization to better ensure that everyone would call for pornography while being denied its key benefit. The Japanese would hone this skill to perfection when they brought out the Prius.

edit Controversy

Pornowatcher

A nervous adult male views pornography. Note the cigarette, a sign that we could solve two problems at once with the simple remedy of new taxes.

Careful study of human anatomy would seem to be natural and wholesome. Unfortunately, the more one indulges in this study, the less one wants to do anything else.

For children, pornography takes the place of socializing and development, as "self-abuse" takes the place of abusing naïve schoolgirls. The porn watcher risks becoming an adult basement-dweller who spends all his time watching porn, still. To prevent this, society uses a tangle of movie ratings, broadcast taboos, and laws against exposing children to prurient discussions, unless one happens to be a public-school sex education teacher whose job is to get 8-year-olds in touch with their inner homo.

For adults, the risk is still present, even though they are, like, adults. An adult who spends all his time viewing porn will have no time left for any other activity. This means that a porn-based society would produce no widgets and have no Gross Domestic Product, war machine, or money to support a welfare state. (Denmark is the single exception to this, as its economy is based on Porn Tourism.)

Eventually, there is semen everywhere except its intended destination, the nation's population trends toward zero, and the nation must use Electronic Benefit Transfer to recruit Mexicans to work its fields and help desks.

edit Sin taxes

Main article: Tax

This is why government must fight pornography. The primary way of doing this is through sin taxes. Canada fights porn with both its Pornography Sin Tax (PST) and its Genital Stimulation Tax (GST).

Sin taxes persist without the continuing need to show harm. As cigarettes are taxed even after new varieties are developed that do not have secondhand smoke, are not addictive, and do not use tobacco, pornography taxes will be permanent even if someone should invent pornography that is not more fun than any other use of one's day. California, by the way, is making strides toward this goal, as its Health Department has proposed that pornographic actors cover their key body parts in latex.

edit Vice

The government must take even harsher measures when children are exploited in pornography. We know from talk radio that two things are true about this loathsome industry:

  • Every victim it touches has her life irreparably ruined, and
  • Every criminal has a sick mind and is guaranteed to do it again unless we put them into a registry, then a prison, then a wood-chipper.

As the government has never been any good at simply punishing wrongdoing, it sets out to do something at which it is much better: wrecking entire industries, where it has a long record of success ranging from poppies to insurance. Thus, rather than charge people who film minors, the government charges people who have a copy of a copy of the film. Pornography advances from a sin, giving rise to the sin taxes discussed above, to a full-fledged vice, justifying the hiring of an entire vice squad and even a Vice President.

The definitions are problematic as always. "Underage drinking" conjures up images of state troopers arresting toddlers with their brandy snifters, but it usually means not drinking by minors but by adults who are 20 instead of 21, whom police give a rap sheet so that legislators can get more votes from evangelicals. The definitions in kiddie porn are harder. For example, in the Southern United States, a girl can get married at 12 or 14. (Sometimes this requires the parent's consent, which mostly depends on whether Dad thinks the marriage will give him one more or one fewer farm hand.) Now fooling around is legal, but filming it is a life sentence. In addition, legislators now have to spend time dithering about the case where the girl took a selfie to be used in sexting. Talk radio teaches us that the young victim has irreparably ruined her own life and is guaranteed to be a recidivist unless we protect her with jail for life.

edit Worldwide crusade

The bullet points above show that porn is such a problem that the reach of the United States cannot stop at the "water's edge" (as American pols say to bully their adversaries into voting for war). It is somehow the duty of national government to protect girls of other nations from the instant ruin of being filmed, even if both the filming and the thing filmed were legal where they occurred. Unable to explain who is harmed by downloading the millionth copy of a video, prosecutors do not mind that they cannot identify the victim at all. Just as the Long Arm of the Law comes to the rescue of Vietnamese girls working for Nike at less than the Seattle minimum wage, tax dollars ensure that they are not destroying their lives in a movie studio, but instead invisibly on the streets.

edit Lack of alternatives

Only three porn movies have been made since porn originally flooded onto the ARPAnet and crowded out military planning. Since all porn looks the same, movie studios have fooled people for decades by simply changing the names of these movies and then circulating them as new. The most famous of these is Deep Throat, a bare-everything thriller that began airing during the Richard Nixon administration.

edit Addiction

Main article: Addiction

Pornography is not a physical addiction, as pornography withdrawal does not result in shakes and convulsions — at least, no more than continuing to indulge in pornography does. And pornography does not interfere with "one or more major life functions," given that producing the resulting secretions is itself a major life function. Nevertheless, pornography is generally regarded as addictive, given that watching it is so much better than doing anything else.

Those who take it up rarely put it down, just as mothers-in-law are addicted to nagging and Congressmen are addicted to misstating their opponents' record.

edit Rehabilitation

When Congressmen move from misstatements into crashing their sports cars at 2:00 a.m., cheating on their spouses, and tweeting their genitalia, the next move is often to "check into alcohol rehab." However, none has ever held a press conference to say he is entering porn rehab. Rehabilitation is uniquely ineffective, because after three days without porn, the patient tends to want it more, not less.

edit Denial

One of the famous "twelve steps" of addiction rehab is for the addict to admit that he has a problem. However, in the case of porn, addicts spend almost as much time trying to give the impression they are not engaging in the practice as they do engaging in the practice. As the books, magazines, and videos arrive in the mail, the addict:

  • Explains away his subscription to National Geographic by saying the naked African tribeswomen are not the true draw.
  • Claims he is merely fascinated with Japan, hoping the neighbors do not know the difference between anime and hentai.
  • States that the only reason to order a copy of The Devil Inside Mary Pickford is for a report due in his Literature class, as this semester they are studying "the classics."

Porn often arrives in a "plain brown wrapper," as purveyors do not realize that that is a dead giveaway. Once the neighbors realize there is a secret, they hardly have to know what the secret is. Playboy Magazine pursued the cover story of "mind-expanding interviews with opinion leaders," while its competitors opted for amateur gynecology to expand that other head. Ultimately its denials became its reality and Playboy is Number One in the collapsing market for interviews with opinion leaders.

Consumers who pester their Congressmen for a law forcing cable companies to offer channels "a la carte" ignore the fact that so many customers rely on "premium packages" to conceal their addiction. A subscriber can take all 30 premium channels and tell the neighbors he only wants to watch Univisión to brush up on his Spanish, hoping they do not notice that the Hamburger Channel is also in the package.

edit Variations

edit Hardcore

“Oh, Baby! Oh, yeah!”
~ Monty Hall's only spoken line from the acclaimed Behind the Green Door № 3

Hardcore is porn that shows everything. Hardcore has serious problems with realism. For one thing, neither men nor women are that attractive in real life, nor in such states of arousal for more than a minute or two. (They only seem to be, at the tavern near closing time.) However, we go to the movies to see the ideal rather than the real; otherwise, we would have stayed at the tavern.

It is just as unrealistic that the viewer would ever actually be watching two other people have sex, especially from about two inches away. Fortunately, hardcore movies compensate with believable plots and realistic dialogue that is full of subtlety.

A more serious problem with hardcore is that it does not attract mainstream starlets, as they want to avoid the unavoidable conclusion that they are having sex for money. (It is not whoring when their declining careers compel them to film ads and lend their names to charity shows to benefit global warming.)

edit Softcore

Alba

Albacore is softcore featuring Jessica Alba. Albacore viewers have a limited time to climax before they explode from sheer excitement, as frequently happened in 2005 during the cinema release of the Albacore classic Fantastic Foursome.

Softcore is porn that does not feature sex but simulated sex. In this type of sex, two lovers rub against each other unrealistically while the camera is put in ridiculous locations to suggest that they might somehow be achieving penetration. Softcore is the type of porn most commonly found on television channels such as Skinimax.

Softcore is most popular with women, who think that sex organs are gross and sex itself is messy. Women also think sex smells bad, and for this reason they avoid movies about sex. Softcore, then, is the result of turning pornographic movies into "chick flicks."

Softcore movies feature actresses over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still hot, in one last futile shot at the fame that has always failed them.

Amazingly — like Bush repelling both Democrats (for threatening to interrupt their pleasure) and his fellow Republicans (for failing at it so spectacularly) — softcore is hated both by people who dislike porn and by porn addicts, even though it features no Bush at all. The only people who like softcore is the occasional mainstream film critic. These are over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that their careers are still hot, in one last futile shot at the fame that has always failed them.

edit Lesbian

Ilia

A lesbian from a porn movie.

Lesbian porn is intended for lesbians. This is a subgenre of fantasy films, based on the fiction that women like to touch and caress one another. Even lesbians do not find this convincing. After all, their partners have hairy legs and armpits but shave their heads (pictured). Fortunately, lesbian porn attracts a huge number of male viewers, who are worried that it will seem gay if they view porn that includes penises, and especially if they seem to be gazing at them.

Lesbian porn's dirty little secret is that there is something missing. These movies make do with semi-functional plastic facsimiles. The most important person in the production crew is the prop master. Anyone who graduates college as a prop designer usually drives a taxicab, as the prop master usually ducks into an adult shop on the way to the motel room where the movie is shot.

Connoisseurs of lesbian porn have to pretend that women like to caress plastic cylinders, as well as suck on them as though droplets would come out. Lesbian porn is often compared to a jigsaw puzzle with one large piece missing. Viewers are often compared to a puzzle missing many pieces.

edit Bestiality

BPandguydivingingorillasuit1

Bettie Page was noted for her role in the bestiality stag film loop, Egad! She Gave It Up To A Knuckle Walker!

Bestiality is sex with a counterpart after you exclude pieces of plastic, corpses, partners of the same sex, and inanimate objects; that is, sex with beasts. Those not in the know often misspell it beastiality, as they insist that bestiality would mean sex with the best, which they already claim to be having. However, the correct technical term is Doggie Porn, and a passable euphemism is "inter-species erotica."

Much Doggie porn does not involve dogs at all, but rather species such as the duck, the snake, the scorpion, and hot Angela Merkel.

Bestiality was first discussed in the Good Book, when Leviticus said to the Lay People:

Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it; that is a perversion. For fuck's sake, will you stop having sex with my animals? If you're in the mood, have a wank. Yes, that includes the mule.

—Leviticus 18:23

The first bestiality classic in the modern era was Wag Magazine.

Bestiality is not the only reason why people put on fur suits to go to parties. However, no one who does has ever explained what the other reasons might be.

Bouncywikilogo4
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pornography.

edit Careers in pornography

Becoming a porn star has replaced home ownership as the American dream as, unlike the latter, one does not have to repaint it or clean the gutters. Porn stars are actually paid to have sex all day with attractive and well-endowed co-stars. Unfortunately, the sheer allure of this career path means that so many people pursue it that it doesn't pay for crap. About the only job that pays worse is writing reviews of porn movies, and especially writing about pornography on a humor wiki.

The young stud considering a career as a porn star might consider:

  • The Joy of Sex while being watched by a dozen stage hands wisecracking about his length, several cameramen sticking that thing way too close as he does likewise, and one smelly, middle-aged director wearing sunglasses, barking orders, and demanding that he change positions every two minutes.
  • The need to take Viagra to guard against having too little desire, and a topical anesthetic to guard against having too much, though that is rarely the problem, as his partner is disinterested, seems to be stoned, and has done everybody else in the room and there is film of it.
  • Frequent decisions between consenting to messier and more painful variations, versus seeming not to be a team player.
  • The need for a weekly blood test so that he will not inadvertently kill any of the studio's other "properties" — nor they him, except that some of his co-stars have had sex with people other than porn stars over the weekend.
  • The fact that all the medical and other information about him is with the studio's records custodian (whose former title was simply "custodian"), and open for inspection by government, though not yet transferred to Washington, D.C. or put into an on-line, searchable database, until they close that loophole.

Provided he lives that long, employers providing health care, neighbors with children, the local church, bank loan officers, and web-wise fiancées will want to know all about this phase of his life. Amazon is likely to apply its patents for one-click shopping to meet this need.

edit In the future

Futurists predict that soon the pornography fan will be able to carry entire photographs or even crude animations in digital form. They will all fit on a single thumb drive that will fit almost anywhere. This will let the user bring a partner with him as he journeys alone through jurisdictions where simple possession is twenty years' hard time.

For this Brave New World, Sandisk has announced a vibrating thumb drive, the Amuzer, which it claims will be a more compact solution than setting one's smartphone to vibrate rather than ring and asking the Front Desk to provide a wake-up call every fifteen seconds.

Not to keep bringing up California, but in 2015, the Golden State passed the "No Means No" law. It requires every horny boy to give his date a Breathalyzer and to have two witnesses that the consent was truly consensual, and every university to provide Awareness-Raising courses before the fact and Microagression Counseling afterward to determine which voluntary acts were actually rape. The law will provide a gigantic boost to Southern California's own pornography industry, as a result of doing to the risky institution of live, in-person sex what Obama-care did to the institution of employment.

edit See also

The Seven
Deadly Sins

GreedWrathGluttonyPornographyEnvyIndifferenceSpam

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Pornography is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
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