Pornography
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“It's a pornography store! I was buying pornography!”
~ Homer Simpson on Moe's
“I don't know much about pornography, but I know what I like”
~ United States Supreme Court on Pornography
Warning: Pornography is considered to be an addictive substance in many states and as been proven to cause cancer in the state of California, so avoid using porn in the hellish gas consumer known as California, and take caution when using or planning to use porn anywhere because someone might see you and then they'll want the porn all for themselves. Women should not handle broken or discarded porn, especially in tablet form, because it will just give them something more to complain about. Children and families are not permitted to take porn because they might learn where babies come from. Offer void in Utah (where you can have 4 wives anyway, so why would you need it.).
Porn (sometimes called Pornography by prudish 40-year-olds or Pr0n by 13-year-olds on IRC) is awesome consists of pictures of naked people who touch other naked people. It's purpose is to satisfy sad, desperate individuals who touch themselves so they can shoot BABY GRAVY around and go "ooooooooooooooo". This stimulation makes them feel excited and they think about dirty things like a white horse falling into a muddy puddle or Tom Cruise in the nude with his Scientologist priest. The word pornography comes from the term "Police Officers Running Naked On Guard Rails And Prince Harry's Yard", but has now become better known as naked people in general. Porn has been accredited by the U.S. Surgeon General. George Bush has been quoted for saying "Pornography is better than my lady bush!". We all think of porn.
Attempts to make sure that everyone in the world has their fair share of porn have been made by organizations such as International Fund for Porn, Porn Aid, (and for the black community) the United Negro Porn Fund.
The Internet was designed by the US military and some universities to supply our soldiers with Porn. But in the near past some people that were addicted to the Dark Side abused the internet to distribute free information, open source software, and other bad and devastating things. Whenever an American child stumbles across porn, a head is sure to assplode, a process similar to exploding, but messier and requires sawdust and babies to clean up. This is not to be confused with the the adult reaction, where the head of the penis explodes in a messy shower of cum while pigs lick their prostate.
An interesting definition for porn is: any picture or video you suddenly lose interest in after masturbating.
In some countries, especially in the Soviet Onion, porn is defined as "the fornication between two carrots and a cantaloupe at midnight". At every new year, Soviet Onionians host a midnight celebration in which they hope to witness the fornication between two carrots and a cantaloupe. Everyone who shows up brings two carrots and a canteloupe, but eat them out shortly after midnight, as no one to date has witnessed this spectacle and anyone who has been rumored to have witnessed it is dead. Still, Soviet Onionians anticipate the day when they will get to watch the erotic pornographic fornication of the two carrots and the canteloupe at midnight and have wild hardcore sex shortly thereafter.
Variations
Pornography IS HEKTIK ERA! varies greatly from place to place, but main genres include: softcore, hardcore, post-hardcore,albacore, child pornography, Catholic schoolboys, cheerleaders, 30-year olds trying to pass off as just-turned 18-year olds, Hilary Duff, hentai/yaoi/furry, and beastiality/bestiality. Whatever the way it's made.
Softcore Pornography
Softcore is the type of porn most commonly found on your TV on channels such as Skinimax. Unlike hardcore pornography, softcore does not feature "the good stuff." A typical trait common of softcore porn is that it involves actresses over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still hot in one last futile shot at the fame which has always failed them. This is the type of porn guys pretend to like because they don’t want to admit to anyone that the porn they actually prefer has tons of penises in it. Instead of the common penis the participants in softcore pornography have to use their germ-ridden fingers for stimulation also making softcore porn the most dangerous form of pornography due to the large risk of catching something from other participants (if any) or from yourself if you had, perhaps, just been for a dump.
Softcore porn is often seen as the most hated category as people who don't like porn do not like it and people who do like porn do not like it either. Occasionally it is granted an artistic merit by washed up film critics over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still (commercially) hot in one last futile shot at the fame which has always failed them.
Lesbian
Lesbian porn is intended for lesbians, men who don't like porn with penises, and women who dream about having penises. It has also been scientifically proven to make your dick bigger. Lesbian porn directors like to think that women like to suck on dildos for some reason (and that the audience loves it too). Lesbian porn has often been accused of being like a jigsaw puzzle that doesn't fit together, but lesbians responded by flashing their boobs and turning on the accusers.
Porn Stars
The porn star is a regular participant in pornographic materials. Grown in special underground vats in Arizona, the porn star is genetically engineered (in the case of females) to store all body fat in the boobs and to grow no body hair. The vagina of a female porn star actually contains negative hair, microscopic nanobots that will consume hair, children, Mormons, and other pests upon contact. The male porn star, meanwhile, is designed to carry a penis so large that upon obtaining erection, the porn star will immediately pass out from low blood pressure elsewhere in his body, and can only be revived from playing a mixture of Barney and Fox News. Unfortunately for the porn stars, they are also designed to crave companionship, but since they are filthy disease factories, they will inevitably kill anyone they fuck. As a result, most porn stars resort to partnering with enormous objects, leading to instances such as goatse and Bill O'Reilly.
Catholic Schoolboys
Preferred by most single males in the religious workplace and pop superstars, for sexual self-gratification has skyrocketed by a whopping 147% since 2004, with the re-opening of the Michael Jackson trial. Considered to be taboo and an immediate Execution by many other religions, the act of child molestation has been widely accepted as necessary throughout the Catholic faith.
Cheerleaders
Where it's common knowledge that spelling words and catch-phrases during sex enhances pleasure, nobody can do it better than cheerleaders. Usually members of a dorm who are exposing themselves strictly to pay their tuition, they usually have a close, attractive friend who is also willing to expose themselves over the internet in performing false lesbianism for an audience of mainly 47-year old balding virgins (without getting paid themselves), the cheerleader often ends up enjoying the sexual exploitation provided by masturbating over a $12 Labtec webcam. A cheerleader's diet consists mainly of flavored lubricant and the occasional celery stick.
Beastiality/Bestiality
Not to be confused with dog porn, Bestiality, sometimes misspelt as Beastiality or wanna lick lipstick dog dick (try saying that drunk), is the act of human sex with a non-homo sapiens animal. Popular specimens include: the duck,horse, snake, eel, dog, sheep and Michael Jackson. Mostly performed for shock value, strange or a cash prize. Be careful not to offend: those who perform this act like to call it "inter-species erotica, fucko."
Leviticus 18:23 "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it; that is a perversion, For fuck's sake will you stop having sex with my animals. If you're in the mood, have a wank. And don't you dare stick that thing in that squid."
Why Pornography?
“I guess what I'm trying to say is, if she tastes good, do her.”
~ Cthulhu on Relationships
“Trust me, I know these things.”
~ Bill Clinton on Pornography
With the growing increase of Self Pleasure, rape, sluttiness and generally feeling horny, pornography seems to be the answer to everything these days. Besides, why go out and make something of yourself when you can be vigorously stroking your penis or clitoris, belittling women or catching exotic genital diseases? The fact is that pornography encourages these acts. And since they are natural urges, they are encouraged, and sometimes even taxed. Take Canada's Pornographic & Sexuality Tax (PST) or Genital Stimulation Tax (GST) for example.
Religious Attitudes to Pornography
Balding middle-aged clergymen stand in the Pulpit and tell their congregations in thunderous voice that they must not under any circumstances VIEW PORN OR WANK TO IT (see Christian Logic). Especially they warn younger members of the congregation NOT TO INDULGE IN THE PREMARITAL WINKING! They’re still quite worked up when they get home after this. What do they do? Guess? If their wives aren’t in the mood they shut themselves up somewhere private. They take out that special pile of magazines that they keep carefully hidden. Alternatively they log into their computers and access that secret confidential file that nobody else sees. Later when they’ve satisfied themselves they get on their knees and ask God to forgive them. Some to the extreme may secretly befriend pedo-bear to get some of his sweet sweet pedo-stash. Then in return they do unspeakable acts for God, to ask for forgiveness of course.
More
Generally, we think it's fantastic. However, there is an ongoing study of "How Much is Too Much", the science community is leaning towards either "a lot" or "no such thing as too much".
Appearing in Porn
According to the Guild of American Porno Photographers, the following rules must be complied with at all times:
- Porn actresses must be fine as hell and not older than 19. OK, 20 if they're in MILF porn.
- They must have Platinum blond hair and fake tits (over the size of DD).
- It is mandatory for porn actresses to be either bi or lesbian.
- Lingerie is simply not sexy and must be removed as quickly as possible.
- Pasty white 40-year old flesh, as much as possible, is not highly erotic, and shouldn't be shown in such warty close-up detail that even the goldfish on top of the TV are scared. On the other hand, if it's older than 60 it is universally regarded as highly erotic most likely because old people are more fertile.
- The subterranean/behind-the-guy's-ass view must be on the screen for a minimum of 95% of every Anabolic or Justin Slayer Productions scene.
- As soon as any sexual activity starts in a porn movie, all pretence at following a plot must be abandoned, along with every shred of clothing (remember, lingerie ≠ sexy). High heels are the sole exception to this rule, due to intense pressure from the powerful international podiatrist lobby.
- Stills internet pornography must feature 200 shots which only slightly vary from each other.
- Presidential International Export Control Orders (PURN II) stipulate that US porn must always be at least ten per cent below the 'extreme serious threshold' of German pornography.
- Free pornography does not exist. Googling the phrase 'free porn' will get you absolutely nowhere.
- Paris Hilton porn is full of cock.
- Sales and marketing material must always be less than ten per cent indicative on contents, and this applies to pack shots of models too.
- Every American must, by law, have enough porn underneath their beds to sustain an erection until they die.
- All porn actresses must go through 4 years of corrective acting school where they are taught by Ben Affleck how to be unemotive and how to give head.
- All male porn actors must sport a mustache or marines haircut and leave their socks on during the good bits. If Italian, they may dispense with the mustache and socks; however, they must be middle-aged, balding, and must leave their underwear on for God's sake.
- Every fake celebrity nude page on the Internet must feature at least one "trick" thumbnail which, when clicked, displays a shot of the celebrity as morbidly obese or with a hideous face. This is necessary in order to allow the viewer's penis to rest and prevent erectile explosion.
- None of the above applies to celebrities.
- According to Newton's Fourth Law of Pornography, the wobbliness of the boobies is directly proportional to the perversity of the act performed. Unfortunately, the first three laws were destroyed in the Great Internet History Deletion (creation of the universe) of 1970.
- If there is a black male in a porn scene he must have a penis of over 12 inches in length or average length for these male types.
- Upon orgasm, the man must ejaculate at least 27 pints of cum
- If there is an extremely hot girl in a porn scene the balance must be restored by making a 69 year old man fuck her.
- While pretending to orgasm, a girl must maintain a word to swear ratio of at least 1:17 respectively
- The men Must be overweight and have a severe case of gut overhang.
- The Guy must always be Bat shit ugly and wouldn't get a look in edgeways in the real world.
- the Guy must always be totally crap in bed.
- The Woman must always moan from pleasure whilst giving someone else oral sex.
- Women usually apologize by doing a blowjob.
- Women must have a orgasm by just taking off their clothes.
- One position or act is not good enough. Four different positions in a couple of minutes make the scene look 'more realistic.'
Microsoft's Contributions to Porn
Microsoft is known for its generous contributions to the Porn aid program. Their revolutionary Internet Explorer offers a platform for porn producers around the world to showcase their latest products. To maximize exposure to these products, Microsoft has kindly agreed to allow porn websites to produce so-called popups and popunders, to make sure even the most inexperienced internet users can find porn. Also Microsoft helps the user getting his daily dose of fine porn by installing Spyware which randomly displays nifty images of hot females interacting with dogs. This is especially true if your boss is looking over your shoulders. Yeah right, I don't know where that came from either.
Some claim that Bill Gates actually invented porn. It is even speculated that he is creating a new generation of pornography in his new secret labaratory in Colorado, which he purchased (see Nike Revolution). It will allow the user to change all camera angles and view setups using the new GUI controls in Microsoft Vista. A new Porn folder is available in Windows Vista under: C:\Users\<Username>\Pornography
Microsoft have recently publish a guide to hiding porn and guide to jerking in front of the PC, some examples includes:
1. Create a folder in c:/windows/system and name it something computer illiterate people find scary. Use words like 'protocol_21' or 'tcp_settings' or 'backUpOffMyPr0nBiatch'.
2. Load it plum full of your favorite jerkoff material.
3. In your 'Windows Folder Options,' uncheck the box next to 'hide known file extensions.'
4. Rename the files and give them new extensions. It helps to have a system where you know what extension to change the name back to. What I do is reverse it. (i.e. 'mpg' renames to 'gpm', avi to iva, etc...)
Having a huge collection, it will suck to go through and rename each file one at a time. To change multiple filenames at once, open command prompt and use this line:
c:/windows/system/_protocol rename *.mpg *.gpm rename *.avi *.iva rename *.asf *.fsa
Parents or guardians who even manage to find the "sacred folder", will see a bunch of esoteric system files instead of 'Granny Tranny' and 'Midget Digits.' That's how it's done.
Morality and responsibility aspects of porn
Porn is also known as the only true way of defining love, morality and responsibility. Without porn there wouldn't be anything good to speak about. Thanks to Porn aid, morality has increased with over 230% the last 3 months (2004-01-12, Time magazine publishing #4328) and as mentioned before, helps people from starving. It is also better than all religion, why not.
Educational aspects
Porn is widely used as the principal means of sexual education for young adolescents. This is a convenient way for parents and teachers to avoid answering embarrassing questions such as "Why does my peepee itch?", "Why does my weeny get big when I stare at girls?" "Why does Timmy keep staring at my chest?" and "What happened to all the kittens?"
Amount of porn
Contrary to Popular Belief, only three porn movies have been made since the discovery of porn in the 1950s. Since all the porn looks the same, people have been fooled for decades by simply changing the names of these movies and then circulating them as new. The most famous of these is Deepthroat who has only lately revealed his own identity. The famous deepthroat revealing none-other than himself (!!!), strangely to find his name to be "John Smith"!!
Another commonly used trick is to change the aspect ratio of the movie and selling it as midget and fatty porn.
Porn is also a form of cotton candy used to decrease sex appeal to male elephants. Female elephants take this lustrous material straight from alien space craft that just happen to get too close to the herd. They then use their trunks to wash themselves with it. The result is that male elephants will completely avoid the female, therefore letting the female elephant avoid the pains of parenthood and birth.
Interesting fact, though, 99.3% of the internet is porn... In fact, you're watching porn right now:
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Things sometimes confused with pornography
- See also: Poke-porn
Not all that spreads its legs is porn. Remember, no matter how nice and round and squeezable they may look, a guy's tits are never porn. Also, the little gashes in his anatomy, no matter what the artist intended them to look like, are porn as well. This means that shemales cannot possibly be porno, unless you can see their assholes.
The 55 Axioms of Sexual Intercourse, as Evidenced in Porn
- Women wear high heels to bed.
- Men are never impotent.
- When "going down" on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
- If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment; instead she will insist he have sex with her.
- Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
- Women are indifferent as to whether they get it in the mouth, in the vagina or up the ass.
- Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
- Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
- WOMEN SCREAM AND GRAB THE MAN'S ASS CLOSER TOWARDS THEM, causing moar moaning.
- Women always orgasm when men do.
- All women are noisy cummers; often they will announce when it is happening.
- People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
- Those tits are real. Period.
- A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's ass. Or face. Spanking is also a turn-on.
- Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
- Women don't have the physical capability to spit out cum. They can only transfer it to another woman.
- If there are two Men present, they will "high five" each other. (and the girl won't be disgusted!)
- Double penetration makes women smile.
- Asian men don't exist, but their chicks are HOTTTTTT!!!.
- If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't beat you to death if you shove your penis in his girlfriend's mouth.
- There's never a plot.
- When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
- Nurses tend to suck patients' cocks as an exam method.
- Nuns are always wild and eager for sex.
- Men always pull out, and can hold until the money shot.
- When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before joining both of you.
- Women never have headaches... or periods.
- When a woman is sucking off a man, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it", lest she forget what she is doing.
- Anuses are perpetually clean.
- Everyone's penis is bigger than yours.
- Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a penis there.
- When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
- A Penis joke is an appropriate lead-in to the so-called "nasty".
- Geeks never have to beg.
- Every girl on the planet is bi
- Mitt Romney starred in a psycho-galactic porno.
- When women are having their last orgasm, it's important to show a close-up of the man's face for all of it.
- Pubic hair is just a myth.
- Men always wear watches
- Starring in porn is the only time a women shouldn't be restricted to the kitchen
- The phrases: "oh yeah" or "yes" are said at least eleven times
- Swearing is a constant
- There's never an awkward moment during sex (e.g. the man wouldn't yell out "BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM IS THE BEST!")
- Women are always ravishingly horny, to the point that they're banging random visitors
- Your friend's mom has a huge crush on you and has caught you masturbating, only to go masturbate herself.
- Only men with tattoos on their biceps can have sex.
- If you offer them enough money, all women are willing to have sex.
- There is no such thing as natural finger nails.
- All stewardesses want ANY guys dick in any hole, ALL the time.
- Feet, although infinitely disgusting, do turn some people on.
- The only thing women think about during sex is the tasty cum they get to eat afterwards.
- The only difference between Arabic women and Latinas is that Arabic women say 'fuck you America!'
- The man always decides on the position, no objections.
- The men having sex in granny porn always seem to think, "I was promised a young girl!"
- Women can have a orgasm by just taking off their clothes and by rubbing their hands on their skin.
See also
- Chicksor!
- Google search for porn
- Gay porn
- Jenna Jameson
- Ron Jeremy
- Post-masturbatory depression
- Sex
- Oral sex
- Encyclopedia Dramatica
- Erotica
- Battle of the Sexes
- The Internet
- Google Images
- Crack
- Child Pornography
- Buttsecks
- Pounding bat sodomy
- Alien Porn
- Metaporn
- Prawnography
- Hentai
- Porno Titles That Should Exist, But Don't
| The Seven Deadly Sins |
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Greed - Wrath - Gluttony - Pornography - Envy - Indifference - SPAM |
| How can you even think of such things? |
| Arson · Assassination · Baby Eating · Baby-snatching · Battery · Bestiality · Blarging · Burglary · Cannibalism · Cat Juggling · Child abuse · Child porn · Clown rape · Conspiracy · Copyright infringement · Cow arson · Cow tipping · Cyber Terrorism · Deicide · Dog Fighting · Drunk driving · Extreme Sarcasm · Gambling · Genocide · Grand Theft Auto · Hacking into a Computer · Hatespeech · Heresy · Home Invasion · Homosexuality · Human sacrifice · Illegal Immigration · Incest · Kleptomania · Littering · Looting · Lynching · Masturbation · Murder · Pedophilia · Piracy · Pornography · Rape · Rioting · Robbery · Shoplifting · Smoking · Sodomy · Stalking · Stealing · Suicide · Suspicious Eyeball Movements · Terrorism · Tittyfuck rape · Trafficking · Treason · Vandalism · Video Piracy · Weed · Witchcraft | 
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