Popeye the Sailor Man

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Popeye

Popeye's father. (Deranged face is due to a explosion while serving in World War 1)

“I yam, who I yam”
~ Popeye on telling Moses who he is

Popeye the Sailor Moon (not to be confused with Pope's eye) (born July 4, 1257, in Boston, Massachusetts) was a cartoon character made during the Great Shit Epidemic to get people through some rough times. Each episode followed more or less the following equation: Popeye is going to ask his girlfriend, Olive Oil, to go out on a date with him by, when his arch nemesis, Brutus, kidnaps her. Brutus beats the hell out of him until he opens up a can of Spinach Brand® steroids, eats some, then beats "Bluto" (which was Popeye's name for Brutus) half to death. He ends up making out with Olive Oil and the episode ends. His name is actually short for Pope-eye.


Popeye half

Popeye before steroids.

The clichés discussed and dismissed by Gone with the Wind, and the radical and uncompromising critique of art as a form of employment, were just what the average audience wanted to see, apparently. Thus, Gone with the Wind thrived even though intellectual critics flamed the film as being "overly complex", "highly theoretical" and "funny". Induced by the tremendous success, the Fleischers made several more Popeye episodes, in some of which his voice was used to synchronize the actresses Betty Boop the big black keoshia and Olive Oyl as well. This fact shows that Popeye's acting capabilities were much better than Betty's, Olive's and many other female actors, evidence that the Shakespearean practice of casting male or castrate actors for female roles was not without reason. Furthermore, while all movies starring female actors had to obey to the Hays Code (the 1930 Motion Picture Production Code) and be toned down, Popeye's features were all about fighting and violence, which posed no problem under the Code.

The Spinach Incident

In most of the documentaries, Popeye ate spinach to make him suddenly seem much stronger. This particular food was chosen due to a lobbying effort by the artificial spinach industry, which manipulated the US official government statistics on the vitamin content of different foods by moving the decimal point for spinach's iron content, making people think that spinach was incredibly good for them and could make them strong.

Note also that Popeye's enemies are smart enough that during his 54,087 adventures, no-one ever thought of fighting against him by eating spinach himself.

The Great Spinach Famine

Pirate

Popeye after steroids.

The Great Spinach Famine is a little known disaster that occurred on the American Declaration of Independence. It has been long lost in history that Popeye himself was one of the survivors.

Artistic work and reality

A little known fact is that in the original plays the television series was modeled after, real memories from Popeye's life were presented quasi-biographically. Sadly, the documentary omitted crucial parts of Popeye's youth for reasons that are not quite clear to this date. Some sources have it that the producers of said series thought later developments irrelevant; others maintain the viewpoint that Popeye himself was ashamed and unhappy with the events that occurred during and immediately after his puberty. Popeye's cartoons which were popular in their day, have recently been studied by a crack group of researchers. It was an amazing find that this entertainment giant is a quite blatant racist in that he refers to all middle eastern people as Ali-Baba.

Secretary of the navy

As secretary of the navy he worked very closely with Teddy Roosevelt who at the time was at the was one of the trust busters. Teddy Roosevelt and Popeye put together to nationalize the Spinach industry to make it less productive so only Popeye could afford massive amounts of Spinach in his basement. At times it was said that he would walk around the white house carrying Teddy's big stick.

Life before artistic success

However, it is an established fact nowadays that while being raped by his stepfather, a sailor and fisher who wanted Popeye to inherit the family business, Popeye found George Washington as his idol and life-long ally against the Redcoats, and joined the Revolutionary Army at the age of 518 (because he was born in 1257). This accounts for his iron will when running a campaign for president exactly five years later in 1780, as well as forming his own patriotic restaurant, Popeye's Chicken, although as he could not figure out his secret recipe (which was eventually discovered by Heihachi Mishima), he closed it. However, Popeye decided to create a lot of documentaries, mostly about the current American society.

Though highly successful as a documentary writer, Popeye did not nominate himself for a third term of office for another four years, but instead sought new experiences as an performance artist. After his engagement by Thimble Theater, he quickly became known to a more general public.

Recent assault & battery charges

A videotape was recently released showing what appears to be Popeye rampaging through the city in order to keep things quiet enough for his son, Sweet Pea, to sleep. Within a 10-minute interval, Popeye is seen assaulting - and possibly murdering - over a dozen people. In the course of the video, he wrecks a dozen cars; single-handedly collapses a building; assaults several musicians and destroys their equipment; sinks a cruise ship; destroys a radio and sends his fist flying through the airwaves to punch the radio host; and verbally and physically abuses various people throughout the film.

Popeye was promptly arrested at his California mansion and falsely charged with child neglect, illegal possession of firearms, assault, battery, destruction of city property, unauthorized use of lethal force, and manslaughter. The sailor was ordered to pay a record fine of US $10,000,000 in damages for the destruction he caused and serve 6 sessions of anger management, or go to a state penitentiary for the next 6-8 months. But this incident was actually done by Bluto, who posed as Popeye to rape Olive Oyl (and eventually killed her). All charges on Popeye were dropped (he was exonerated though), and Bluto was hunted down by the FBI.

Popeye today

Recently Popeye has expressed interest in being the mayor of New York City in the near future. When Popeye becomes the Mayor of New York City, he will be henceforth be known as Popeye the Mayor Man. His tagline as mayor will be:

I'm Popeye the Mayor Man
I am a Republican
Eat spinach for dinners
Then beat all the winners
I'm Popeye the Mayor Man!

Characters

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Popeye the Sailor Man.
  • Popeye: Popeye is the protagonist of the series. He always sings songs about himself and others. He often nicknames his steroids "spinach". He fights Brutus on a daily basis, and has survived several series of strokes. He also has large tumors in his arms.
  • Olive Oil: Popeye's severely anorexic girlfriend, one of the few famous animated sufferers of rickets. She is Betty Boop's uglier and autistic sister.
  • Bluto: A huge man whose strength is real. This is why he always wins fights until Popeye takes his steroids. Bruno is a black belt in dykewondo. He has unrequited love for Olive Oil.
  • Boner: Bluto's dog.
  • Wimpy: The morbidly obese older brother of acclaimed cartoon star Mr. Magoo. His catch phrase was "I'll gladly pay you for a hamburger tomorrow for a hamburger today." He suffered a massive heart-attack from excessive cholesterol on the set of NYPD Blue as the stunt-double for Dennis Franz.
  • Sweet-Pea: Olive Oil's son, rumor has it that the father really is Bluto. Olive Oil was known to be a neglectful mother, and it wasn't long before Sweet-Pea would suddenly be caught crawling into oncoming traffic or climbing the scaffolding of a 100 story high-rise under construction. Popeye would normally intervene to save the child, and although never actually meant to be a character on the show the director managed to use the takes of Sweet-Peas mischief into whole story lines. SweetPea was eventually taken into custody by the Child Welfare Department after learning of the videos. He was immediately replaced by Warwick Davis.This is proof positive that you truly can put anything on Wikipedia.

See also

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