Benedict XVI
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“I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse. Full dental.”
~ God to Mr. Ratzinger
“God wills it.”
~ Pope Urban II on Being a Total Dick
“It can be said the Pope commands the largest army on earth, that is, the CATHOLIC ARMY! BWAHAHAHAHA....”
~ Pope Pius XVI, when asked to comment on The Crusades
“Shits where?”
~ Captain Oblivious on The Pope
“They aren't so bad, once you get to know them.”
~ Pope Benedict XVI on Jews
Pope Benedict XVI, aka Mr. Ratzinger, aka His Holiness, aka Cardinal Sin (on Friday nights down at The George) is the Godfather's No.2 man and earth representative. He is responsible for handling his business interests, priest watching and infernal affairs and other matters of a flaming nature. He also cleans up after the Godfather's incompetent son who has taken a back seat role since getting himself crucified and who has diplomatic immunity in certain countries. His predecessor was smote down by the Godfather as he was getting a bit too big for his Gucci boots. Pope Benedict was brought forth when the coven of bishops got together for a secret circle jerk of ancient fluids and from the ensuing smoke and dust the new Pupae emerged to take care of things, you catch my drift? Boo ya!!!
Contents |
Brief Introduction
Pope Benedict has done great PR by replacing the old "baptism by fire" with the newer "head wetting" routine. This has also led to an increase in population. He is considered a genius and is able to play the piano while speaking 7 languages far exceeding the job requirements of English and at least one other European language. He is yet to master the language of love.
Famous racist and Irishman The Pope is the tallest man in the world.
He is considered to be a master of the Dark Arts, especially in the ways of the Sith. He is a Level 3 Sith Lord and is considered very dangerous. He killed a trainee while teaching him due to the lackey's lack of appreciation when he called Benedict "Lord of the Shit!" He ment it as a joke but Darth Benedict wasn't laughing that day. The ashes of his trainee were used as an Herbal Tea for the sick.
Biography
Pope Benedictyl was born in approximately Strafford upon an Avon catalogue his mother was reading at the time. By the age of 12 he was competing in local genuflection tournaments, and before he was 30 he had won the national transubstantiation championship for a record-breaking four consecutive years. Known to be especially deadly with a censer, Benedict is a level 115 cleric. These incredible achievements did not go unnoticed and the precocious 40-year-old was fast tracked through the Papal Academy of Potential Popes, PAPS. While there he developed a friendship with Carol Waytojoyola. However Carol was way cooler and more fun and after he was voted 'Most likely to Succeed' they became rivals. His mother is known to start every sentence with the phrase 'my son the pope'. For example, 'My son the pope likes a pain au chocolat every morning. What times the next bingo bus?'. They have not spoken for 7 years. She has his phone number but he answers only to God. His father runs a pub in Doolin, the Dew Drop Inn, and will not speak about his son.
Pope Benedict is rumored to be building a Sanctuary somewhere on Mars. He would like to live there if he were sent in exile by the U.N.
Benedict renamed Vatican City Couresaunt after the capital of the Old Galactic Republic, but was changed to "Shitsvile" after Jedi Master George Lucas filed a lawsuit against the Unholy One and won. Benedict has declared Lucas an enemy of the state.
Pope Benedict declared war against other religions of the world and planned an invasion of Salt Lake City, Utah. On September 18, 2008, the invasion was thwarted by a small group consisting the remaining memebers of the Jedi Order, the X-Men, the Justice League, Hellboy, Bill Clinton, Pee Wee Herman, and members of the New York Metropolitan Opera. This was Popeatine's worst defeat in many a millenia.
Vatican Inc.
Under Pope Beidictat the Vatican has trebled its profits and now makes over 60% of its gross annual income from merchandising alone. As God forego a lump sum and gave the Bible publishing rights to Steve Guttenburg in 1972, instead requesting a percentage of each unit sold, he amassed over $180,000,000 in the following decade alone. This, together with the release of the New Testament, the Old Old Testament, the Old New Testament, Testament Times New Roman collectors edition, New Testament of Sgt. Columbo, the bonus edition with the 3rd secret of Fatima and a prologue by Anthony Hopkins and recently the Bible Uncut: What the Gideons Didn't Want You to Know has kept this revenue stream alive.
Official Vatican City ASCII
This is the only official ASCII art available of Benedict XVI. All others are cheap imitations.
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Pope Eggs Benedict XVI in other languages and places
- Malaysia: Benedict Solution
- Latin: Benedictus XVI
- Coruscant: Darth Benedictous
- English: Eggs Benedict 16
- Brooklyn: Benedizzle
- Octal: Benedict 20
- Hexadecimal: Benedict 10
- Binary: B10edic0 00010000
- L33t: b3|n3d1k7 t3h 3x-V1
- Starfleet: USS Benedict (NCC-0016)
- Soviet Russia: "In Soviet Russia Eggs BENEDICT eat YOU!!!!!!
- USA (all but Mayne): Da Pope
- Spain: Ai Papa, cuidao no ralles la flagoneta!
- Portuguese: E é o Benedito!
- France: Man with no Pants
- Germany: Führer Eiert Benedict (aka Auschwitz Joe A. Ratzinger)
- Japan: Jo-Ben, sometimes "Ben-Jo", sometimes "Very sorry, we run out of sushi". Very rarely, "JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE"
- Sweden: Bene... who ?
- Taiwan: Stoopid Joe
- Turkey (all but Istanbul): Old Jesusfuckin Racist
- Istanbul: Pope-ish
- Nigeria/Nicaragua/Mayne: Lumberjack Walter
- Chile: Ese conchesumadre
- Klingon: Tic'Tac' Pattywack (Pronounced T'pu F'tang)
- Alderaan: Papalpatine
- Tatooine: Ben Kenobi (or Ja-Ben, the Hutt)
- Mayne: The Toaster Man
- Wikipedia: BennyOnWheels
- Albert Square: That Catholic fossil
- Romania: Benedicula
- Polish: Nie chcemy papieża JP2.0 Niemca. (literally "We don´t wanna fuckin´ German for Pope!!!")
- Inquisition: Joe Ratzinger, Pontiff Extraordinaire
- Nickname Paparazzi (because he is an autograph collector).
- Friends : Benji sixteen
- Chavs : Ben 'n' what
- KFC: Ratzinger Burger
- McDonald's: McPope
- Rice Lake Domainship: he be a good guy, methinks eggs
- Indian: man who dances with boys pants halfway on
| Preceded by: | Pope Benedict XVI (2005 - 2035)
| Succeeded by: |
| Pope John Paul 2.1 | Dublin Drunken Popes |
See also
External Links
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